[BACK]Return to fortunes2-o.real CVS log [TXT][DIR] Up to [cvs.NetBSD.org] / src / games / fortune / datfiles

Annotation of src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real, Revision 1.2

1.1       cgd         1:                                                PLAYGIRL, Inc.
                      2:                                                Philadelphia, Pa.  19369
                      3: Dear Sir:
                      4:        Your name has been submitted to us with your photo.  I regret to
                      5: inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.  On
                      6: a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
                      7: ranging in age from 60 to 75 years.  We tried to assemble a panel in the
                      8: age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
                      9: long enough to reach a decision.  Should the taste of the American woman
                     10: ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
                     11: in our magazine, you will be notified by this office.  Please, don't call
                     12: us.
                     13:        Sympathetically,
                     14:        Amanda L. Smith
                     15:
                     16: p.s.   We also want to commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you
                     17:        wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
                     18: %
                     19:                                        MOUNTIES:
                     20: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,           He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
                     21: I sleep all night and I work all day.  He sleeps all night and he works
                     22:                                        all day.
                     23:
                     24: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,      He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
                     25: I go to the lavatory.                  He goes to the lavatory.
                     26: On Wednesday I go shopping,            On Wednesday he goes shopping,
                     27: And have buttered scones for tea.      And has buttered scones for tea.
                     28:
                     29: I cut down trees, I skip and jump,     He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
                     30: I like to press wild flowers,          He likes to press wild flowers.
                     31: I put on women's clothing,             He puts on women's clothing,
                     32: And hang around in bars.               And hangs around in bars.
                     33:
                     34: I cut down trees, I wear high heels,   He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
                     35: Suspenders and a bra.                  Suspenders?  and a bra?
                     36: I wish I'd been a girlie,              That's rude...
                     37: Just like my dear Pappa.
                     38: %
                     39:                                FROM THE DESK OF
                     40:                                Snow White
                     41:
                     42: Dear Snow White:
                     43:
                     44:        Thanks for last night.
                     45:
                     46:                Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
                     47: %
                     48:                LEPROSY
                     49: Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
                     50: I'm not half the man I used to be.
                     51: Oh, how did I get leprosy?
                     52:
                     53: Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
                     54: Now it even hurts to take a piss.
                     55: Oh why did I get syphillis?
                     56:
                     57: Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
                     58: I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
                     59:                -- To the tune of "Yesterday"
                     60: %
                     61:                THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
                     62:
                     63: An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
                     64: Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
                     65: who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
                     66: In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
                     67: beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
                     68:
                     69:        --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
                     70:                which UFOs come.
                     71:        --That pi equals precisely 3.000.
                     72:        --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
                     73:                squared the circle.
                     74:        --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
                     75:
                     76: Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
                     77: including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
                     78: special effects studio.  These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
                     79: Bull.
                     80: %
                     81:                The Snack
                     82: Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
                     83:
                     84: What baby? asked Daddy.  You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
                     85:
                     86: Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience.  Do you think I don't
                     87:        recognize my own baby?  Why I can still see his little privates
                     88:        caught in the gap between your front teeth.  How many times have
                     89:        I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
                     90:
                     91: But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
                     92:        And am I not the master of my own?
                     93:
                     94: Nothing to eat?
                     95:        What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
                     96:        just last week in the ball jar?  Our very first baby, too, wailed
                     97:        Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
                     98:
                     99: Testicles, testicles, said Daddy.  A man gets tired of testicles.
                    100:                -- L.L. Zeiger
                    101: %
                    102:        ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
                    103: worse is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
                    104: 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
                    105: considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
                    106: showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would
                    107: have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
                    108: was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
                    109: as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
                    110:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
                    111: %
                    112:        A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear looks
                    113: over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
                    114:        "No."
                    115:        So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
                    116: %
                    117:        A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
                    118: of cheating on him.  The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
                    119: drives to work he can't take it any more.  He thinks to himself, "she
                    120: probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
                    121:        When he gets to his office, he calls home.  The maid answers.  He
                    122: says, "Hello.  Is my wife there?"
                    123:        "Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
                    124:        "Is she with her lover?"
                    125:        The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
                    126: that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
                    127:        The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!.  If you feel as badly as you
                    128: say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun.  Check
                    129: to make sure that it's loaded.  Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
                    130: two-timing whore and her lover.  Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
                    131: the phone and tell me that it's over.  Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
                    132: The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
                    133: silence... and then two shots.  More footsteps.  Finally the maid comes back
                    134: to the phone and says "It's done."
                    135:        The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
                    136:        "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
                    137:        "Statue in the garden?  Say, what number is this, anyway?"
                    138: %
                    139:        A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
                    140: This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
                    141: them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
                    142: following sunrise.  That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
                    143: he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
                    144: the following morning.  The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
                    145: see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time.  When the dog is brought by the
                    146: Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
                    147: At once the dog runs off over the hill.  Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
                    148: he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
                    149: Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
                    150: his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night.  When the dog is
                    151: brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
                    152: down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
                    153: right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
                    154: %
                    155:        A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
                    156: buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
                    157: the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
                    158: boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
                    159: the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
                    160: the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
                    161: they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
                    162:        Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
                    163: farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
                    164: frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
                    165: in the mud.
                    166:        Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
                    167: don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
                    168: today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
                    169:        "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
                    170:        "Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
                    171: the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
                    172: %
                    173:        A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
                    174: for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
                    175: all day?"
                    176:        Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
                    177:        "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
                    178:        Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
                    179: mailman."
                    180:        "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
                    181:        Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
                    182: whorehouse."
                    183:        The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
                    184: Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
                    185: answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
                    186: an explanation.
                    187:        Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
                    188: you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
                    189: %
                    190:        A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
                    191: from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
                    192:        "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick.  But I think
                    193: you can take him.  Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
                    194: him get you in the Pretzel hold.  With his strength you'd never get out."
                    195:        The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
                    196: are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned.  The American slowly
                    197: gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
                    198: the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
                    199: Pretzel hold.
                    200:        The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
                    201: on the bench with his head between his hands.  All of a sudden, there's a
                    202: scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
                    203: pinning the Russian.  After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
                    204: finally gets the winner alone.  "Great job!  But how the hell did you get out
                    205: of the Pretzel Hold?  I thought it was over for sure!"
                    206:        "Well, I did too.  I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
                    207: this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes.  I figured
                    208: what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could.  Coach,
                    209: you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
                    210: %
                    211:        A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
                    212: island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
                    213: could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
                    214: were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
                    215: the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
                    216: the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
                    217: downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
                    218: charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
                    219: men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
                    220: Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
                    221: blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
                    222: only blurt out, "What happened?"
                    223:        "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
                    224: ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
                    225: grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
                    226: hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
                    227: the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
                    228: to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
                    229: %
                    230:        A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
                    231: in at a local bar for a drink.  He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
                    232: and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde.  The two strike up a
                    233: conversation, and really hit it off.  After a couple drinks they leave the bar
                    234: go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings.  Which doesn't take long -- by
                    235: seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
                    236:        'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
                    237: "Midnight!  Already!  I gotta get home!  Honey, you have any baby powder?"
                    238: He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
                    239:        "Baby powder?" she asks.  But she comes back from the bathroom and
                    240: hands him the powder.  He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
                    241: goodbye, and runs out the front door.
                    242:        He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
                    243: doorway.
                    244:        "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
                    245:        "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet.  "Okay.  I went
                    246: to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off.  We
                    247: had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
                    248:        "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands...  Don't you lie to me!
                    249: You've been bowling again!"
                    250: %
                    251:        A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
                    252: dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
                    253: brother and inquires after his pet.
                    254:        "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
                    255:        The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
                    256: he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
                    257: of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
                    258: outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
                    259: corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
                    260:        "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
                    261:        "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
                    262: How's Mom?"
                    263:        His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
                    264: outside one day..."
                    265: %
                    266:        A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
                    267: I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
                    268:        A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
                    269: be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
                    270:        "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
                    271: dog's stuck in its throat."
                    272: %
                    273:        A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
                    274: "Hi, honey, I'm home."
                    275:        There was no response.  He walked through the house and saw a note
                    276: on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
                    277: 8.  Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
                    278: I get home."
                    279:        Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned.  However, his
                    280: stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
                    281: from his lunch.  He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
                    282: doorbell ring.  He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
                    283: girl holding out a little paper bag.  "Trick or treat", she said.
                    284:        He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
                    285: was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
                    286: the bag.  The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
                    287: complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch.  You broke my cookies!"
                    288: %
                    289:        A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven.  His guide is pointing
                    290: out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
                    291:        "Oh, you don't want to look down there.  That's hell!"
                    292:        The man creeps up to the edge and looks over.  He sees lush, green
                    293: valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere.  "This doesn't look so bad,"
                    294: he says.
                    295:        Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.  "Damn!" he snaps,
                    296: "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
                    297: %
                    298:        A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
                    299: terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
                    300: Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
                    301: homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
                    302: got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
                    303: who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
                    304:        The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
                    305: something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
                    306:        "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
                    307: %
                    308:        A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers.  The
                    309: bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
                    310:        "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
                    311:        About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
                    312: 6 chasers.  So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
                    313:        To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
                    314: are lovers."
                    315:        Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
                    316: NINE shots and NINE beers.  The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
                    317: in your family like pussy?"
                    318:        "Yeah.  Me and my sister."
                    319: %
                    320:        A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
                    321: Scotch".  The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
                    322: down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch.  The man takes one sip
                    323: and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
                    324: is eight-year-old Scotch."
                    325:        The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
                    326: pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
                    327: most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
                    328: had it -- they're just being pricks.  But you really know your Scotch -- this
                    329: is on the house."
                    330:        A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
                    331: conversation.  He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
                    332: The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!"  To which
                    333: the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
                    334: %
                    335:        A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder.  He walks
                    336: up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
                    337: little Leprechaun.
                    338:        After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
                    339: struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
                    340: worker.  Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
                    341: Bronx cheer.  And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder.  The worker is
                    342: pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
                    343:        After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
                    344: walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
                    345: Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
                    346: after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
                    347: in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
                    348: his little dick!"
                    349:        Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
                    350:        "Yeah?  Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
                    351:        "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
                    352: %
                    353:        A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
                    354: flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
                    355: large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
                    356:        "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
                    357:        "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
                    358:        After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
                    359: asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
                    360: men?"
                    361:        "Well, it's not what you think.  Native Americans.  They're better
                    362: hung than *anybody*."
                    363:        "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
                    364:        "No, Jewish men.  Once you finally get them going they can last
                    365: all night.  By the way, my name is Sue.  What's yours?"
                    366:        "Running Bear Sheldon."
                    367: %
                    368:        A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
                    369: He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
                    370: gas.  When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
                    371: were off.  Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside.  He wasn't sure
                    372: what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
                    373: "Help... help... help".  He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
                    374: a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
                    375: ankles.  He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
                    376:        "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
                    377: clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
                    378:        "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants.  "This just
                    379: hasn't been your day, has it?"
                    380: %
                    381:        A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this
                    382: particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
                    383: man's penis.  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
                    384: fancy restaurant.  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
                    385: felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
                    386: the tablecloth.  The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
                    387:        Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
                    388: quickly disappeared.  The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
                    389: "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
                    390:        With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
                    391: like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
                    392: %
                    393:        A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
                    394: while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
                    395: was the better cook.  One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
                    396: Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
                    397:        The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
                    398: that he had ever eaten.
                    399:        "Damn!  That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host.  "What
                    400: kind of meat is it?"
                    401:        "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
                    402:        "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
                    403:        "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
                    404:        "Rabbits don't make any noise..."
                    405:        "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
                    406: %
                    407:        A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office.  The mother
                    408: asked the doctor to examine her daughter.  "She has been having some strange
                    409: symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
                    410:        The doctor examined the daughter carefully.  Then he announced,
                    411: "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
                    412:        The mother gasped.  "That's nonsense!" she said.  "Why, my little
                    413: girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..."  She
                    414: turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
                    415:        "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl.  "Doctor, I have never so much as
                    416: kissed a man!"
                    417:        The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again.  Then,
                    418: silently he stood up and walked to the window.  He stared out.  He continued
                    419: staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
                    420: wrong out there?"
                    421:        "No, Madam," said the doctor.  "It's just that the last time anything
                    422: like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
                    423: another one was going to show up."
                    424: %
                    425:        A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
                    426: two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
                    427: I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
                    428:        As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
                    429: he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
                    430: %
                    431:        A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
                    432: car to take a look at the outback.  "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
                    433: and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
                    434: Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
                    435:        Later that day, they returned, upset and angry.  "You said it was
                    436: decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
                    437: driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
                    438:        "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
                    439: aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
                    440: at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
                    441:        "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
                    442: like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
                    443: %
                    444:        A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
                    445: some good news and some bad news."
                    446:        He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
                    447:        She replied, "You're not sterile."
                    448: %
                    449:        A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
                    450: consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress.  The
                    451: sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
                    452: for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
                    453: and lustful pursuits.
                    454:        The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
                    455: if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
                    456: then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
                    457: is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
                    458:        The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
                    459: a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not see why the
                    460: affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the contrary, if the affair
                    461: is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
                    462: is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
                    463: his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
                    464: %
                    465:        A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
                    466: for a job.  He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
                    467: qualifications.  The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
                    468: white man and said: "You leave!  No job!"
                    469:        The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
                    470: that of tribe Medicine-Man.  He would convince him if the Chief would allow
                    471: him to demonstrate his magic.  "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
                    472:        "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger.  "I'll prove it to you by making
                    473: your dog, here, talk!"
                    474:        "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
                    475: heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
                    476: good.  He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
                    477:        "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
                    478: "the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
                    479:        "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
                    480: heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse.  He takes me up to
                    481: the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
                    482:        The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
                    483: final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
                    484:        "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
                    485: %
                    486:        A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
                    487: asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom.  I got laid!"
                    488:        She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
                    489: work.  "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
                    490: should keep it a secret.  Women just don't understand these things."
                    491:        So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
                    492: "You get laid today, Billy?"
                    493:        "Yeah, Dad."
                    494:        "How was it?"
                    495:        "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
                    496:        "Good Boy!".
                    497:        A month later: "You get laid today?"
                    498:        "No, Dad."
                    499:        "No?  How come?"
                    500:        "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
                    501: %
                    502:        A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West.  The
                    503: Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
                    504:        The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
                    505: miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
                    506:        Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
                    507:                -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
                    508:                   Life in the Universe"
                    509: %
                    510:        A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
                    511: to die, would you remarry?"
                    512:        After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
                    513: this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
                    514:        The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
                    515:        "Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
                    516:        "Well, would you live in this house?"
                    517:        "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
                    518: I've always loved it here."
                    519:        "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
                    520:        "No."
                    521:        "Why not?"
                    522:        "She's left handed."
                    523: %
                    524:        A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
                    525: They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
                    526: love.  Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
                    527: to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
                    528:        She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
                    529: my pantyhose."
                    530: %
                    531:        A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
                    532: whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
                    533: settle for a kiss."
                    534:        The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
                    535: %
                    536:        After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
                    537: earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
                    538: minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
                    539:        "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
                    540: name for my baby."
                    541:        "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
                    542: of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
                    543:        "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
                    544: name."
                    545: %
                    546:        All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
                    547: number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
                    548: was the whole show.  But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
                    549: vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession.  Nobody really
                    550: expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
                    551: Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
                    552: NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
                    553: is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
                    554: TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
                    555:        We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
                    556: Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
                    557: to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
                    558: their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
                    559: running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
                    560:        But not for long.  There is not much room for freaks in the National
                    561: Football League.  Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
                    562: drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
                    563: always viewed as criminals.  But Namath would have had a very different trip
                    564: if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
                    565:                -- Hunter S. Thompson
                    566: %
                    567:        An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan.  Two weeks before
                    568: officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
                    569: house.  While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
                    570: yaki-san."
                    571:        Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
                    572: Japanese word.  It must be an expression of joy."
                    573:        When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
                    574: which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
                    575: After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
                    576: a hole-in-one.  The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
                    577: Bonsai!"
                    578:        Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
                    579: new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
                    580: yaki-san!"
                    581:        The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
                    582: "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
                    583: %
                    584:        An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
                    585: city and asked to be served the specialty of the house.  When the dish
                    586: arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained.  "These, senor," explained
                    587: the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
                    588: testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
                    589:        The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
                    590: Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.  When it was
                    591: served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
                    592: much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
                    593:        "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
                    594: %
                    595:        An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
                    596: porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
                    597: picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
                    598: tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
                    599:        After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
                    600: beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
                    601: voluptuous woman.
                    602:        After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
                    603: for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
                    604: stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
                    605:        The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
                    606:        "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
                    607: faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
                    608: handsome prince!"
                    609:        And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
                    610: handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
                    611:        As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
                    612: the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
                    613: fixed?"
                    614: %
                    615:        An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
                    616: man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by.  "Your names please?"
1.2     ! soren     617: said the soldier.
1.1       cgd       618:        "My name is Mary," said the woman.
                    619:        "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
                    620:        "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
                    621: going?"
                    622:        "To Bethlehem."
                    623:        "Your reason for going there?"
                    624:        "To pay our taxes to the government."
                    625:        "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
                    626:        "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
                    627: Ricans?"
                    628: %
                    629:        An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
                    630: remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
                    631: "I have a dead pussy."
                    632:        The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
                    633: "Sit with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
                    634: %
                    635:        And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
                    636:        They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
                    637: ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
                    638: very selfhood revealed."
                    639:        And Jesus replied, "What?"
                    640: %
                    641:        "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
                    642: to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
                    643: posh hotel.
                    644:        "No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
                    645:        "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
                    646:        "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
                    647: a postcard?"
                    648: %
                    649:        Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman?  If so, you know how
                    650: Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
                    651: an occasional weekend for sex.  Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
                    652: rising corporate star, ended in disaster.  Yesterday you heard him telling
                    653: a friend over lunch,  "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!"  Well,
                    654: all is not lost!  SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
                    655: 15 minutes a day!
                    656:        SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
                    657: sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers.  Through
                    658: the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
                    659: muscles.  With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
                    660: "Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
                    661: of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm".  Or,
                    662: using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
                    663:        SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
                    664: immersible for easy cleaning.  SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
                    665: textured for a realistic effect.  Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
                    666: limited graphics capability.  Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
                    667: %
                    668:        Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
                    669: his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
                    670: executive appeared at a local health resort.  Looking over the several weight
                    671: loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
                    672: pounds per day.  After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
                    673: was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
                    674: "if he caught her, he could have her".  After an hour of hard running, he
                    675: finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
                    676: lost just under three pounds.  Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
                    677: was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session.  After following the same
                    678: regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
                    679: he caught the young woman.  Weight loss, just over four pounds.  Returning the
                    680: following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day.  He was shown
                    681: to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
                    682: muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
                    683: a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules.  Start running!"
                    684: %
                    685:        Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
                    686: Indians.  After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
                    687: the number of feathers in the headdresses.  She asked a brave who had only
                    688: one feather in his headdress.  His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
                    689: have only one feather."  She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
                    690: was only joking.  This brave had four feathers in his headdress.  He replied,
                    691: "Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
                    692:        Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
                    693: squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.  Now the Chief had a
                    694: headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
                    695: Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
                    696: Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
                    697:                me fuck-em all."
                    698: Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
                    699: Chief: "You damned right, me hung.  Big like buffalo, long like snake."
                    700: Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
                    701: Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
                    702: Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
                    703: Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer.  Asshole too high and fuckers run
                    704:                too fast."
                    705: %
                    706:        Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
                    707: Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and
                    708: subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
                    709: sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste
                    710: treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
                    711:        Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
                    712: blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
                    713: Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
                    714: see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
                    715:        "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
                    716:        "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
                    717: %
                    718:        Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
                    719: friend asked him how it went.
                    720:        "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said.  "The second
                    721: night, eight times.  The third night, seven times.  The fourth night, six
                    722: times.  The fifth night, five times.  The sixth night, four times, and the
                    723: last night, nothing!"
                    724:        "Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?"
                    725:        "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
                    726: %
                    727:        But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
                    728: skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
                    729: calf they were sucking hind teat...
                    730:        Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
                    731: called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
                    732: the front of the bus."
                    733:        But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
                    734: deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
                    735: yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
                    736: unto a snowball in Hell."
                    737:                -- "The Begatting of a President"
                    738: %
                    739:        But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
                    740: cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin
                    741: to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The
                    742: latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
                    743: with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
                    744: bunch of knuckles.
                    745:                -- Harlan Ellison
                    746: %
                    747:        "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
                    748: your penis?"
                    749:        "Uh, not right now."
                    750:        "Tsk, tsk.  A girl has to have *some* standards."
                    751:                -- Real Genius
                    752: %
                    753:        Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
                    754: particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
                    755: a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
                    756: said, "Winston, you're drunk."  Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
                    757: himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
                    758: your ass, you ugly cunt."
                    759:        When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
                    760: the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
                    761: you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
                    762: your play can go fuck yourselves."
                    763:        At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
                    764: to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
                    765: if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
                    766: unhesitating retort.
                    767:                -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
                    768: %
                    769:        "Daddy?"
                    770:        "Yes son."
                    771:        "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
                    772:        "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
                    773: something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.  And by
                    774: the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
                    775: `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
                    776:                -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
                    777: %
                    778:        Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
                    779:
                    780:        Sept 14         Pasadena Junior High
                    781:        Sept 21         Boy Scout Troop 049
                    782:        Sept 28         Blind Academy
                    783:        Sept 30         World War I Veterans
                    784:        Oct 5           Brownie Scout Troop 041
                    785:        Oct 12          Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
                    786:        Oct 26          St. Thomas Boys Choir
                    787:        Nov 2           Texas City Vet Clinic
                    788:        Nov 9           Korean War Amputees
                    789:        Nov 15          VA Hospital Polio Patients
                    790: %
                    791:        "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
                    792: be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
                    793: %
                    794:        "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
                    795: We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
                    796:        "But this is different," protested her husband.
                    797:        "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
                    798: Now tell me what our problem is."
                    799:        "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
                    800: bastard child."
                    801: %
                    802:        "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
                    803: married?"
                    804:        He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
                    805: I've always been especially fond of married women."
                    806: %
                    807:        Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
                    808: to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper.  In the ad she made it
                    809: quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
                    810: had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
                    811: now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.  Phone calls started coming
                    812: in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
                    813: the young woman's fancy.  Until one night her doorbell rang.  Opening the door
                    814: she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
                    815: response to her advertisement.  "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
                    816: ad was quite explicit.  I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
                    817: and you... uh... don't have all the..."
                    818:        "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
                    819: %
                    820:        "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
                    821: sincerely, extremely dangerously.
                    822:        They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
                    823: They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
                    824: intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
                    825: They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
                    826: used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
                    827: bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
                    828: They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
                    829: They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
                    830:                -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
                    831: %
                    832:        During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
                    833: blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face
                    834: country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
                    835: hit my wife."
                    836:        "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
                    837: at mine, over there."
                    838: %
                    839:        During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
                    840: husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!"  Then, turning to the counselor,
                    841: she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
                    842: %
                    843:        Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
                    844: blizzard.  He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
                    845: while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter.  She proved
                    846: to be eighteen and beautiful.   So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
                    847: pass at the daughter.  "Stop that!" she said.  "I'll call my father."
                    848:        He desisted.  But half an hour later he made another attempt.  "Uh,
                    849: stop ... that," she said.  "I'll call my father."
                    850:        But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try.  This time, no
                    851: protest, no threat.  Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
                    852: tugged at his pajama sleeve.  "Could we do that again?" she asked.
                    853:        Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
                    854: tug at his sleeve.  "Again?"
                    855:        And again Ed obliged.  But when his sleep was once more interrupted
                    856: by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
                    857: and mumbled, "Stop that!  Or I'll call your father."
                    858: %
                    859:        Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
                    860: and stuck out his hand.  "Son," he said.  "Tell the truth.  It ain't better
                    861: than fried chicken, is it?"
                    862:        Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
                    863:        "I got to be dead honest, Roy."
                    864:        And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
                    865:        Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
                    866: ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
                    867: can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
                    868: finest I've ever had."
                    869:                -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
                    870: %
                    871:        Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants?  Yes, ferrets,
                    872: those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
                    873: needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth.  The English do it for sport.
                    874:        Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
                    875: the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
                    876: No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own.  The
                    877: ferrets must be young and in good condition.  Neither the ferret or the
                    878: contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only.  The trousers
                    879: should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
                    880: the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
                    881:        Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
                    882: The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
                    883: of 5 hours and 26 minutes.  Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
                    884: not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
                    885: and not care."
                    886: %
                    887:        Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
                    888: a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
                    889: baseball.  Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
                    890: ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
                    891:        The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
                    892: which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed.  The genie said, "I now give
                    893: you one wish.  Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
                    894: %
                    895:        Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
                    896: obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
                    897: floor like a 20-year old.  Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
                    898: girl.  "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
                    899: of your age living it up like a youngster.  Tell me, are all of your faculties
                    900: unimpaired?"
                    901:        The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head.  "Not
                    902: all, I'm afraid." he said.  "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
                    903: girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
                    904: about two A.M.  We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
                    905: as my head hit the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
                    906:        "Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
                    907:        "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
                    908: fail me."
                    909: %
                    910:        Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
                    911:        "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
                    912: only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
                    913:        Anna said nothing.  Farmer Johnson tried again.  "You know, Anna, if
                    914: only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
                    915:        Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
                    916: could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
                    917: %
                    918:        "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
                    919: said the guy aggressively.
                    920:        "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
                    921:        "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
                    922: town."
                    923:        "Oh, no, you won't."
                    924:        "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
                    925:        "Oh, no, you won't."
                    926:        "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
                    927:        "Oh, no, you're not."
                    928:        "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
                    929:        "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
                    930: %
                    931:        For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
                    932: vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
                    933: affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
                    934: few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
                    935: short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
                    936:        "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
                    937: he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
                    938: and the baby would have my name!"
                    939:        "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
                    940: we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
                    941: better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
                    942: %
                    943:        Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
                    944: usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
                    945: evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
                    946: such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
                    947:        One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
                    948: and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
                    949: fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
                    950:        At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
                    951: in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
                    952: professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
                    953: nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
                    954:        They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
                    955: remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
                    956: the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
                    957: thoughts?"
                    958:        Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
                    959: %
                    960:        Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
                    961: engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
                    962: was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
                    963: and sarcastic?"
                    964:        "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
                    965:        "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
                    966: %
                    967:        "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
                    968: to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
                    969: beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
                    970: dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
                    971: apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
                    972: in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
                    973: %
                    974:        God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
                    975: what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
                    976: wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent merriment.
                    977:        Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
                    978: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
                    979: lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
                    980: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
                    981: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
                    982: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
                    983:                -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
                    984: %
                    985:        God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
                    986: differences once and for all.
                    987:        When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
                    988: where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
                    989: %
                    990:        Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
                    991: from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
                    992:        "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
                    993: promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
                    994: nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
                    995:        "Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
                    996: you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
                    997: right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
                    998: the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
                    999: find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
                   1000: the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
                   1001: %
                   1002:        Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
                   1003: No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
                   1004: been worse."
                   1005:        To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
                   1006: situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
                   1007: hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
                   1008: "Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
                   1009: found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
                   1010: the gun on himself!"
                   1011:        "Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
                   1012:        "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
                   1013: have been worse?"
                   1014:        "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
                   1015: dead right now."
                   1016: %
                   1017:        Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
                   1018: proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
                   1019: and afraid that no one would have him.  In fact, he couldn't bring himself
                   1020: to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
                   1021: nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
                   1022: All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
                   1023: she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
                   1024:        The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
                   1025: in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
                   1026: surprise," smiled the bride.
                   1027:        Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
                   1028: leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
                   1029:        "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
                   1030: Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
                   1031: %
                   1032:        "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
                   1033:        "Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
                   1034:        "Do it alone?"
                   1035:        "Nope.  Hitched the cat to it."
                   1036:        "How would that help?"
                   1037:        "Used a whip."
                   1038: %
                   1039:        "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
                   1040:        "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion!  Busy day?"
                   1041:        "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
                   1042:        "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
                   1043:        "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
                   1044:        "Oh, it's not dead then."
                   1045:        "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
                   1046: goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
                   1047: on the safe side."
                   1048:        "Quite right.  You don't want to come back from Sorrento
                   1049: to a dead cat, do you?"
                   1050:                -- Monty Python
                   1051: %
                   1052:        "Hello, Police Department."
                   1053:        "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been sexually
                   1054: molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was horrifying!"
                   1055:        "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
                   1056:        "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was napping
                   1057: on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
                   1058: Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
                   1059: I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He
                   1060: held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I
                   1061: couldn't stop him.  He was huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
                   1062: pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an
                   1063: erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
                   1064: throat; forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
                   1065: Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
                   1066: my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
                   1067: say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a foot long, and I don't
                   1068: know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
                   1069:        "What's the matter, mister?"
                   1070:        "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
                   1071: %
                   1072:        Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
                   1073: with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
                   1074: Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
                   1075: define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
                   1076: court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
                   1077: Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
                   1078: it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
                   1079: his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
                   1080: enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
                   1081: ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
                   1082: that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
                   1083: it because the court was going to take a nap.
                   1084:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
                   1085: %
                   1086:        "How'd you get that flat?"
                   1087:        "Ran over a bottle."
                   1088:        "Didn't you see it?"
                   1089:        "Damn kid had it under his coat."
                   1090: %
                   1091:        "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
                   1092: the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
                   1093:        "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
                   1094:        "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
                   1095: %
                   1096:        "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state.  I blame
                   1097: society.  Society made me what I am today!"
                   1098:        "That's bullshit Archie.  You're just a young suburban punk
                   1099: like me."
                   1100:        "It still...  hurts... auugghh!"
                   1101:        "You're going to be okay..."
                   1102:                "...gurgle..."
                   1103:                        "... maybe not."
                   1104:                -- Repo Man
                   1105: %
                   1106:        "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
                   1107: the American said to an Algerian camel merchant.  "Is it possible?"
                   1108:        "All things are possible," replied the merchant.  He proceeded to
                   1109: take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water.  After the
                   1110: camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
                   1111: the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
                   1112: the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
                   1113:        The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
                   1114: like twenty more gallons of water.
                   1115:        The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant.  "My God,
                   1116: man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
                   1117:        The merchant shrugged.  "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
                   1118: bricks."
                   1119: %
                   1120:        "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
                   1121:        "Oh, how can you tell?"
                   1122:        "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
                   1123: hear the stereo."
                   1124: %
                   1125:        I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
                   1126: "What'll you have, Bud"?
                   1127:        I said," I don't know, surprise me".
                   1128:        So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
                   1129:                -- Rodney Dangerfield
                   1130: %
                   1131:        "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
                   1132: young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
                   1133: I'm on my way."
                   1134:        "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
                   1135: %
                   1136:        In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
                   1137: mud."
                   1138:        And there was mud.
                   1139:        And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
                   1140: can see what we have done."
                   1141:        And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
                   1142: man.  Mud-as-man alone could speak.
                   1143:        "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
                   1144:        "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
                   1145:        "Certainly," said man.
                   1146:        "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
                   1147:        And He went away.
                   1148:                -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
                   1149: %
                   1150:        In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
                   1151:        In the evening, floating in the soup.
                   1152: (chorus):
                   1153: Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
                   1154: Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
                   1155:        You can ask them anything you want to.
                   1156:        They won't answer; they can't talk.
                   1157: (chorus):
                   1158:        I took a fish head out to see a movie,
                   1159:        Didn't have to pay to get it in.
                   1160: (chorus):
                   1161:        They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
                   1162:        They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
                   1163: (chorus):
                   1164:        Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
                   1165:        Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
                   1166: (chorus):
                   1167:        Fishy!
                   1168: (chorus):
                   1169:                -- Fish Heads
                   1170: %
                   1171:        In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
                   1172: announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
                   1173: today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
                   1174: a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
                   1175: in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
                   1176: around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
                   1177: those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
                   1178:        There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
                   1179: citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
                   1180: these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
                   1181: than a citizen bless their country?"
                   1182: %
                   1183:        It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
                   1184: they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
                   1185: One of them said, "Wow! What tits!  Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
                   1186: them for awhile.  What are you doing this afternoon?"
                   1187:        Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
                   1188: thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
                   1189: Corps.  "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
                   1190: brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
                   1191: %
                   1192:        It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year.  I was driving
                   1193: in downtown Atlantis.  My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
                   1194: Stingray, and it was overheating.  So I pulled into a Shell station.  They
                   1195: said I'd blown a seal.  I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
                   1196: life out of it, okay, pal?"  While they were doing that, I walked over to the
                   1197: Oyster Bar.  A real dive.  But I knew the owner.  He used to play for the
                   1198: Dolphins.  I said "Hi, Gil!"  You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
                   1199:                -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
                   1200: %
                   1201:        It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
                   1202: American were talking about love over some dry Martinis.  "Deed you know,
                   1203: sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
                   1204: ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
                   1205:        "Do tell?" said the American.  "Well, that's amazing.  In this
                   1206: country there's only one."
                   1207:        "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly.  "And what eez
                   1208: that?"
                   1209:        "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
                   1210:        "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman.  "Numbair 80!"
                   1211: %
                   1212:        "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
                   1213: Jewish men?"
                   1214:        "You really want to know?"
                   1215:        "Yeah."
                   1216:        "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob?  And
                   1217: Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
                   1218: %
                   1219:        Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
                   1220: her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
                   1221: the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
                   1222: way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
                   1223: begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
                   1224: stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
                   1225:        "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
                   1226: the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
                   1227: mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
                   1228: wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
                   1229:        "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
                   1230: can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
                   1231:        "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on
                   1232: the dining room skylight."
                   1233: %
                   1234:        Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
                   1235: seem survival oriented.  For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
                   1236: with, well, her mate, will devour him.  For the male praying mantis, however,
                   1237: it's a catch-22.  If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
                   1238: again.  If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree.  This
                   1239: suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
                   1240: life forms are periodically subject to its wrath.  How did the preying mantis
                   1241: become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle?  This is probably what happened:
                   1242:        The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis.  After
                   1243: some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate.
                   1244: The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
                   1245: male raids the refrigerator and returns home.  This behavior continues until
                   1246: the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship.  Then the
                   1247: male establishes a new pattern of behavior:  Football on Mondays, baseball on
                   1248: Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
                   1249: on Thursdays, etc. etc.  The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
                   1250: a divorce.  After a long court battle, she concludes one thing:  It simplifies
                   1251: matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
                   1252:        Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
                   1253: has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans.  That is
                   1254: why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
                   1255: to bite the head off of the male.  The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
                   1256: occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
                   1257: %
                   1258:        Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
                   1259: mirror, admiring her breasts.
                   1260:        "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
                   1261:        "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
                   1262: twenty-five-year-old."
                   1263:        "Oh yeah?  And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
                   1264: ass?"
                   1265:        "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
                   1266: %
                   1267:        Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
                   1268: Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures.  One day,
                   1269: without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation.  In
                   1270: an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
                   1271: prison.
                   1272:        They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
                   1273: in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
                   1274: them to name their contacts in the liberation movement...  Finally they're
                   1275: hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
                   1276: to death.
                   1277:        The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
                   1278: be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
                   1279: any last requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
                   1280: Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
                   1281: Murray.
                   1282:        "This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
                   1283: spits in the sergeants face.
                   1284:        "Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
                   1285:                -- Arthur Naiman
                   1286: %
                   1287:        "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
                   1288: barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
                   1289:        "Not in California."
                   1290: %
                   1291:        "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
                   1292: a girl should not do before twenty."
                   1293:        "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
                   1294: audience, either."
                   1295: %
                   1296:        Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
                   1297: you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
                   1298: oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many
                   1299: cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal committment.
                   1300:        Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
                   1301: the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
                   1302: repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
                   1303: in the others.
                   1304:        While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
                   1305: of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui.  Don't ask who took
                   1306: it.  The answer is obvious.  A Japanese tourist took the picture.
                   1307:        Never ask if your lover has had therapy.  Only people who have had
                   1308: therapy ask if people have had therapy.
                   1309:        Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
                   1310: Assume that she bought them at a flea  market.
                   1311:                -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
                   1312: %
                   1313:        Never take a resume seriously.  Resumes only make money for the
                   1314: people who write the resumes.  No resume ever tells an employer how many
                   1315: times a job applicant has had the clap.
                   1316:        Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
                   1317: by a professional liar?
                   1318:        If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
                   1319: did the applicant go to TCU?
                   1320:        If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
                   1321: have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
                   1322:                -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
                   1323: %
                   1324:        On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
                   1325: to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
                   1326: There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
                   1327: alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
                   1328: dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is
                   1329: saying."
                   1330:        The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
                   1331: the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
                   1332: to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
                   1333: singing."
                   1334:        "Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
                   1335:        "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
                   1336: %
                   1337:        Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
                   1338: bored after dinner one night.  He decided to hold a contest of who at the
                   1339: court had the mightiest "weapon".  The first knight stood up and proclaimed
                   1340: that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
                   1341: pound weight around it.  The weapon doth rose.  The crowds cheered... the
                   1342: women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
                   1343: played appropriate music.
                   1344:        Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
                   1345: He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself.  The weapon doth
                   1346: rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
                   1347: multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.
                   1348:        After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
                   1349: King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
                   1350: his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
                   1351: but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
                   1352: The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
                   1353: banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
                   1354: %
                   1355:        One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
                   1356: and they see a stallion mounting a mare.  The daughter takes in the scene and
                   1357: turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
                   1358:        Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
                   1359: one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
                   1360:        The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
                   1361: way it goes?  Try to help someone and you get fucked."
                   1362: %
                   1363:        One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
                   1364: seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Milli-Amp
                   1365: and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.  They rode across the Wheatstone
                   1366: bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
                   1367: flowing current.  Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
                   1368: soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum.  He laid
                   1369: her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
                   1370: He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
                   1371: connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
                   1372: Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled:  "OHM-OHM-OHM."
                   1373:        With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
                   1374: his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
                   1375: discharged and drained of every electron.  They Fluxed all night trying
                   1376: various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
                   1377: all of its field strength.
                   1378:        Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction  and  damaged  her
                   1379: solenoids.  With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
                   1380: excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
                   1381: each others fuses.
                   1382:                -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
                   1383: %
                   1384:        One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
                   1385: visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla.  She walks
                   1386: up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast.  Needless to
                   1387: say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
                   1388: kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
                   1389:        The gorilla becomes enraged.  He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
                   1390: the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her.  While doing so,
                   1391: he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
                   1392:        Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
                   1393: "Oh, you poor dear...!  Are you hurt?"
                   1394:        "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone.  He
                   1395: never writes..."
                   1396: %
                   1397:        One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY.  So he took his Miss
                   1398: HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
                   1399: there began to feel her MOUNDS.  And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
                   1400: made his TOOSIE ROLL.
                   1401:        He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
                   1402: which of course caused the MILKY WAY.  She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
                   1403: squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
                   1404: MUSKETEERS."
                   1405:                -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
                   1406: %
                   1407:        One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
                   1408: sitting out on the porch, talking.  Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
                   1409: of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
                   1410: worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
                   1411:        "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house.  Out he runs an
                   1412: instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
                   1413: the hairspray as it dangles earthward.  He then slips the stiff worm back
                   1414: into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
                   1415:        "Well, I'll be.  That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
                   1416: "Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill.  By then it's almost
                   1417: dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
                   1418:        The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
                   1419: out of the house and gives him a five.  "But you gave me my five yesterday,
                   1420: grandpa.", he remarks.
                   1421:        "Yep, I know.  This is from your Grandma."
                   1422: %
                   1423:        "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
                   1424: science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
                   1425: some concrete example."
                   1426:        Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
                   1427:        "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
                   1428: a choice of the wrong example.  But the axiom is no less true."
                   1429:        "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
                   1430: the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
                   1431:        "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
                   1432: to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
                   1433:        "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
                   1434: example.  And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
                   1435: course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
                   1436:                -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
                   1437: %
                   1438:        Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
                   1439: state of great libidal distress.  Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
                   1440: dove flying by.  "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
                   1441: and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest.  Feathers flew, and
                   1442: eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
                   1443: shout, too):
                   1444:        "I'm a dove!  I've been loved!  And I LIKE it!"
                   1445:        Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
                   1446: was at it again.  All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
                   1447: flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
                   1448:        "I'm a lark!  I've been sparked!  And I LIKE it!"
                   1449:        As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
                   1450: amor... lib... you know!  This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
                   1451: So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
                   1452: tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
                   1453:        "I'M A DRAKE!  THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
                   1454: %
                   1455:        People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
                   1456: motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness.  But I have spent enough time in
                   1457: jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
                   1458: bored with their daily routines:  eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
                   1459: then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
                   1460: a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of
                   1461: a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
                   1462: out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
                   1463: side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
                   1464:        Why not?  Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt
                   1465: blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
                   1466: of cholesterol ...  but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has
                   1467: the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
                   1468: are said to have on the brain:  after a while you start burning out the
                   1469: circuits.
                   1470:        When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
                   1471: of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
                   1472: junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
                   1473: that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
                   1474:                -- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
                   1475: %
                   1476:        People who write position papers often find themselves in an
                   1477: enviable position.  They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
                   1478: position.
                   1479:        A good position paper will have many words in it like
                   1480: "superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
                   1481:        You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
                   1482: limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
                   1483:        Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
                   1484: position papers.  They should look complicated enough to make Albert
                   1485: Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
                   1486:        A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
                   1487: semicolon.
                   1488:                -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
                   1489: %
                   1490:        Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
                   1491: has been waiting for him.  Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
                   1492: Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
                   1493:        The girl, and she's not so little, tells him.  Well, Santa is
                   1494: definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
                   1495: gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
                   1496:        The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe.  "Aw, please stay
                   1497: Santa," she begs.
                   1498:        He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
                   1499: you know."
                   1500:        She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
                   1501: at Santa like an accusation.  "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
                   1502:        "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
                   1503:        Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
                   1504: warm mound of delight.  "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
                   1505:        Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
                   1506: gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
                   1507: %
                   1508:        Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
                   1509: stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If
                   1510: this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
                   1511: doesn't deserve to have any."
                   1512:
                   1513:        James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
                   1514: failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
                   1515: remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
                   1516: major general."
                   1517:
                   1518:        (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
                   1519: complained, "Only one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a
                   1520: while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
                   1521:
                   1522:        Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
                   1523: pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
                   1524: sight I have ever seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing
                   1525: more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
                   1526: on the child's shoulder.  "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
                   1527: out of the car.  "Run for your life!"
                   1528:
                   1529:        Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
                   1530: Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular
                   1531: story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
                   1532: roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the
                   1533: house."
                   1534:        "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
                   1535: maybe, but not in the House."
                   1536:
                   1537: %
                   1538:        Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
                   1539: still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
                   1540: Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
                   1541: exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
                   1542:        Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
                   1543:        Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
                   1544: love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
                   1545: prick."
                   1546:        "Oh, come now," the girl chided.  "I've seen lots of pricks and I
                   1547: assure you, that's a wee-wee."
                   1548: %
                   1549:        Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
                   1550: certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
                   1551: own.  Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
                   1552: care for neither your politics nor your moustache."  Unabashed, the young
                   1553: statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
                   1554: dick."
                   1555:        While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
                   1556: asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
                   1557:  "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
                   1558: whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
                   1559:        Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
                   1560: the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
                   1561: Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
                   1562: upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the President was
                   1563: wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
                   1564: had not finished bathing.  Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
                   1565: and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
                   1566: stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
                   1567: you staring at, homo?"
                   1568:                -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
                   1569: %
                   1570:        "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
                   1571: coffee?"
                   1572:        "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
                   1573: answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
                   1574:        "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
                   1575: %
                   1576:        "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
                   1577: sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
                   1578:        "How do you know?" the friend asked.
                   1579:        "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
                   1580: she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
                   1581:        "So?"
                   1582:        "So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
                   1583: %
                   1584:        The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
                   1585: say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
                   1586: primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
                   1587: and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
                   1588: saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
                   1589: you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
                   1590: time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
                   1591: Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
                   1592:        So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
                   1593: publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
                   1594: naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
                   1595: naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
                   1596: article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
                   1597: Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
                   1598: others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
                   1599: Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
                   1600:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
                   1601: %
                   1602:        The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
                   1603: "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
                   1604: in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
                   1605:        "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
                   1606: but not much good in a fight."
                   1607: %
                   1608:        The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
                   1609: a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi.  The rabbi listened solemnly to
                   1610: his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
                   1611:        So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
                   1612: please help me.  My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
                   1613: sees nothing but goyim..."
                   1614:        "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
                   1615: you got problems.  What about my son?"
                   1616: %
                   1617:        The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
                   1618: physical examination.  "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
                   1619: "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
                   1620: from women."
                   1621:        "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient.  "What's
                   1622: second best?"
                   1623: %
                   1624:        The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
                   1625: made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
                   1626: footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
                   1627: reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
                   1628: madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
                   1629:        "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
                   1630: every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
                   1631:        "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
                   1632: the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
                   1633:                -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
                   1634: %
                   1635:        The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
                   1636: As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
                   1637:        "What happened?"
                   1638:        "Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
                   1639: -- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
                   1640: %
                   1641:        The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
                   1642: After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
                   1643: branch scraped her forehead lightly.  The groom dismounted, glared at his
                   1644: wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
                   1645:        The ride then proceeded.  After another mile or so, the bride's
                   1646: horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
                   1647: Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
                   1648: "That's two," he said.
                   1649:        Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
                   1650: crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl.  Immediately, the groom was
                   1651: off his horse.  "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
                   1652: shot the horse between the eyes.
                   1653:        "You brute!" shrieked his bride.  "Now I see the kind of man I
                   1654: married!  You're a sadist, that's what!"
                   1655:        The groom turned to her coolly.  "That's one," he said.
                   1656: %
                   1657:        The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
                   1658: dressed, alert and obviously intelligent.  The judge asked him how he
                   1659: pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
                   1660: replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
                   1661:        "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
                   1662:        "Yes, sir," said the defendant.  "I'm just crazy about it."
                   1663: %
                   1664:        The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant.  A
                   1665: waiter approached the table.  "Good afternoon, sir.  What may I serve you?"
                   1666:        "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
                   1667:        As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
                   1668: wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves.  Soon the waiter
                   1669: returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
                   1670: two tempting filet mignons.  From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
                   1671: a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
                   1672: from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate.  "We never touch anything
                   1673: with our hands," he explained.
                   1674:        The waiter continued serving.  "Confidentially," he said, "we even
                   1675: have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory.  Do you see this
                   1676: little piece of string attached to my apron?"
                   1677:        "Yes," the diner replied.  "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
                   1678:        The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
                   1679: "Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
                   1680: comes in very handily.  I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
                   1681: piece of string.  That way everything stays sanitary."
                   1682:        "But how do you put it back?"
                   1683:        "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
                   1684: I use the tongs."
                   1685: %
                   1686:        The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
                   1687: the week.  As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
                   1688: the door.  "Please come in!  We're very grateful for your years of service to
                   1689: us and our neighborhood.  I've prepared something special for you."
                   1690:        In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
                   1691: Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch.  After dumping his letter satchel
                   1692: on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal.  As the mailman finished
                   1693: his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
                   1694: leaving and disappears upstairs.  She returns in a moment, in a daring
                   1695: negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
                   1696: farewell is consummated between the sheets.
                   1697:        As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
                   1698: pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him.  Reacting to his astonished
                   1699: look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
                   1700: we should do something for you.  He said 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar!'"
                   1701: She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
                   1702: %
                   1703:        The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
                   1704: way there, we got a flat tire.  We got out of the car and I pumped, she
                   1705: jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
                   1706: tire.  Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
                   1707: jumping for joy.  What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
                   1708: Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
                   1709: candy.  Everybody else started feeling merry.  Those have got to be the three
                   1710: wildest girls I know.
                   1711: %
                   1712:        The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the Victorian
                   1713: period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
                   1714: frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it.  The tripoline,
                   1715: as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
                   1716: sport.
                   1717:        The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
                   1718: castrating pigs during Sunday service.
                   1719:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
                   1720: %
                   1721:        The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
                   1722: Lennon's political song, ten years too late.  "That poor fool should have
                   1723: stayed where he was," said my attorney.  "Punks like him only get in the
                   1724: way when they try to be serious."
                   1725:        "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
                   1726: into the ether and the cocaine."
                   1727:        "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
                   1728: in the suite.  But here's this.  Your half of the sunshine blotter.  Just
                   1729: chew it up like baseball gum."
                   1730:        I took the blotter and ate it.  My attorney was now fumbling with
                   1731: the salt shaker containing the cocaine.  Opening it.  Spilling it.  Then
                   1732: screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
                   1733: across the desert highway.  A very expensive little twister rising up from
                   1734: the Great Red Shark.  "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned.  "Did you see what God just
                   1735: did to us?"
                   1736:                -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
                   1737: %
                   1738:        THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
                   1739:
                   1740:  1. WITTY AND CHARMING:  This is after one or two drinks.  The tongue is
                   1741:        loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain.  In the "witty
                   1742:        and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and
                   1743:        phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
                   1744:        "Bullsheyet".
                   1745:  2. RICH AND POWERFUL:  By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
                   1746:        380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
                   1747:  3. BENEVOLENT:  You'll buy her a Mercedes, too.  It's only money.
                   1748:  4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT:  Stall tactic.
                   1749:  5. TO HELL WITH DINNER:  Just one more and then we'll eat.
                   1750:  6. PATRIOTIC:  The war stories begin.
                   1751:  7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY":  "We could have won in Nam, but..."
                   1752:  8. INVISIBLE:  So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
                   1753:  9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II:  You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
                   1754: 10. BULLETPROOF:  Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
                   1755:                -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
                   1756:                   of a Gun".
                   1757: %
                   1758:        The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
                   1759: wonderfully in time trials.  However, in actual races he proved a little too
                   1760: romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
                   1761:        So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
                   1762: castrated.  The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
                   1763: factory, took it philosophically.  After all, having the operation was
                   1764: almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
                   1765:        After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
                   1766: trials, and found to do as well as ever.  But the first time he actually
                   1767: ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
                   1768: on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
                   1769:        "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
                   1770:        "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
                   1771: people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
                   1772: %
                   1773:        The young man took a blind date to the amusement park.  They went
                   1774: for a ride on the Ferris wheel.  The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
                   1775: "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
                   1776:        "I wanna get weighed," she said.  So he took her over to the weight
                   1777: guesser.  Next they rode the roller coaster.  After that he bought her some
                   1778: popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
                   1779:        "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
                   1780:        I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
                   1781: using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
                   1782: The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
                   1783: wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
                   1784:        "Wousy," said the girl.
                   1785: %
                   1786:        There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism.  They go
                   1787: and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
                   1788: from sex for thirty days.
                   1789:        Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest.  He asks
                   1790: the first couple if they passed the test.
                   1791:        "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
                   1792:        "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
                   1793: the Church."  Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
                   1794:        "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
                   1795: until the 27th day.  My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
                   1796: I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on.  I couldn't
                   1797: stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
                   1798: to her right there."
                   1799:        "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows.  "I can never let you into
                   1800: the Church after something like that."
                   1801:        "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
                   1802: into Safeway anymore either."
                   1803: %
                   1804:        There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
                   1805: a bar having a few drinks together.
                   1806:        The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
                   1807: drive your wife wild in bed?"
                   1808:        "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
                   1809: garden and pick some roses.  Then I take the petals off and put them all over
                   1810: her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
                   1811: her wild with desire."
                   1812:        "Interesting," the Englishman replies.  "After my wife and I make love
                   1813: I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
                   1814: Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
                   1815:        "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
                   1816: out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain.  And that REALLY drives
                   1817: her wild."
                   1818: %
                   1819:        These two project managers were walking through a residential area
                   1820: one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
                   1821: cock.  (Why do dogs do that?  Because they can).  Anyway, the first manager
                   1822: nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that!  That really looks like fun
                   1823: -- I wish I could do that!"
                   1824:        Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
                   1825: it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
                   1826: %
                   1827:        "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
                   1828: parents will be happy to see them.  I mean, really, can you imagine someone
                   1829: being happy to see an orphan?  Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
                   1830:        The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
                   1831: Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
                   1832: whereabouts of their natural parents.  She is a woman with a mission:
                   1833:        "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
                   1834: about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
                   1835: country.  We're completely computerized.
                   1836:        "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
                   1837: leads as possible.  We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
                   1838: real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
                   1839: country.  Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared.  They
                   1840: look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
                   1841: yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
                   1842: I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
                   1843:        "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
                   1844: He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
                   1845:        "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with.  Last year
                   1846: we even sent one kid all the way to Australia.  I mean, really.  Besides, if
                   1847: your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
                   1848:                -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
                   1849: %
                   1850:        This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
                   1851: the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet.  It works: four
                   1852: months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
                   1853: He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be.  He calls
                   1854: up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry.  "There's a special
                   1855: surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him.  "Just
                   1856: come on over to the clinic."
                   1857:        "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand.  I'm too
                   1858: embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
                   1859:        "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor.  "Simply pull up
                   1860: all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
                   1861: on a top hat, and come on over."
                   1862:        The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
                   1863: reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
                   1864: dying of self-consciousness.  "The doctor will be right with you," says the
                   1865: nurse.  "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
                   1866:        "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
                   1867: %
                   1868:        This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
                   1869: with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
                   1870: dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
                   1871:        "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
                   1872:        Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
                   1873: the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
                   1874: requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
                   1875:        "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
                   1876: guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
                   1877: being so helpless.
                   1878:        "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door.  "I can't do a
                   1879: *thing* 'til my nails dry!"
                   1880: %
                   1881:        This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
                   1882: good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
                   1883: sobbing  like crazy.  He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
                   1884:        "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
                   1885: <sniffle>"
                   1886:        So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
                   1887: He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss.  This does wonders, and
                   1888: the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
                   1889: away feeling wonderful.
                   1890:        Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
                   1891: sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out.  Gallant to the
                   1892: end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
                   1893:        "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
                   1894:        The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
                   1895: her over to the shore, and throws her into the water.  "Now you're fucked!"
                   1896: %
                   1897:        Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
                   1898: The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
                   1899: selling ties without a license.  "What do you do for a living?" the judge
                   1900: asked, pointing at the first girl.
                   1901:        "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
                   1902:        "Thirty days," was the sentence.  The judge turned to the second
                   1903: girl.  "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
                   1904:        "Your honor, I'm an actress."
                   1905:        "Thirty days."  Then he turned to the third girl.  "And how about
                   1906: you?" he demanded.
                   1907:        "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud of it, but it's
                   1908: the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
                   1909: laid off."
                   1910:        "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
                   1911: Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out."  Now he turns to Feldstein,
                   1912: arrested for selling ties illegally.  "And you," he said, "what do you do
                   1913: for a living?"
                   1914:        "Your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud..."
                   1915: %
                   1916:        Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
                   1917: ran out.  "I have an idea," croaked Al.  "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
                   1918: shum money from my wife."
                   1919:        The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
                   1920: and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
                   1921: This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
                   1922: affect the husband.
                   1923:        "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
                   1924: asked.
                   1925:        "Yes, yes," she snapped.  "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
                   1926: Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
                   1927:        Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
                   1928: enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me.  Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
                   1929:        "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
                   1930: he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
                   1931:        "The hell with him," replied Al.  "Let him buy his own pint."
                   1932: %
                   1933:        Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
                   1934: car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
                   1935:        "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
                   1936: London?"
                   1937:        The American laughed.  "It was my home for two years during the war,"
                   1938: he said.  "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
                   1939:        The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
                   1940: he say, Reggie?"
                   1941:        "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
                   1942: replied.
                   1943:        After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
                   1944: didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
                   1945:        The American almost fell off his chair.  "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
                   1946: exclaimed.  "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
                   1947: just before I came back to the States!"
                   1948:        "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
                   1949:        "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
                   1950: %
                   1951:        Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
                   1952: were rear-ended by a huge semi.  Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
                   1953: side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
                   1954: driver.  "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
                   1955:        Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
                   1956: deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
                   1957: "Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
                   1958:        "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
                   1959: to be able to settle out of court."
                   1960: %
                   1961:        Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
                   1962: to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
                   1963: `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
                   1964:        All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
                   1965: mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
                   1966:        "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
                   1967: His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
                   1968: and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
                   1969:        "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
                   1970: it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
                   1971: %
                   1972:        Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
                   1973: their troubles.  "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
                   1974: has cut me down to just once a week."
                   1975:        "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse.  I know
                   1976: two guys she's cut off altogether.
                   1977: %
                   1978:        Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
                   1979: the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
                   1980: mortuary, and the mortician began work.  When he had unclothed the corpse, he
                   1981: noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
                   1982: hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung.  He put the cork back, and
                   1983: the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
                   1984: lookin' swell, Dolly!".  Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
                   1985: come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
                   1986: asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
                   1987: the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop.  When he got there, he
                   1988: said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
                   1989: this ungodly hour?"
                   1990:        The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
                   1991:        They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
                   1992: watch."
                   1993:        He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
                   1994: partner looks at him disgustedly and says:  "You brought me down here at
                   1995: three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
                   1996: %
                   1997:        Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
                   1998: and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
                   1999: roses, damn it.  That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
                   2000: three days."
                   2001:        Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
                   2002:
                   2003: %
                   2004:        We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
                   2005: drugs began to take hold.  I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
                   2006: lightheaded; maybe you should drive...."  And suddenly there was a terrible
                   2007: roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
                   2008: swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
                   2009: hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas.  And a voice was
                   2010: screaming: "Holy Jesus!  What are these goddamn animals?"
                   2011:        Then it was quiet again.  My attorney had taken his shirt off and
                   2012: was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process.  "What the
                   2013: hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
                   2014: eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses.  "Never mind,"
                   2015: I said.  "It's your turn to drive."  I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
                   2016: Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway.  No point in mentioning the
                   2017: bats, I thought.  The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
                   2018:                -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
                   2019:                A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
                   2020: %
                   2021:        Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
                   2022: great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just felt
                   2023: so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
                   2024: THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
                   2025:        And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
                   2026: one is mightier than you."
                   2027:        A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
                   2028: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
                   2029:        The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
                   2030: stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
                   2031:        The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
                   2032: quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
                   2033: THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
                   2034:        Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
                   2035: him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
                   2036: orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
                   2037:        The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
                   2038: you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
                   2039: %
                   2040:        Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
                   2041: She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
                   2042: "Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..."  Needless to
                   2043: say, she was surprised at the butcher's language!  The butcher, who was
                   2044: reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
                   2045: justified himself.  "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
                   2046: ham is "Damn ham".  Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
                   2047:        That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
                   2048: explained what had happened at the butcher shop.  He also was amused, and
                   2049: suggested that they play a joke on their son.  So, at dinner, after grace,
                   2050: the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
                   2051:        Their son looked up, surprised.  "WHOAH!  Dad be gettin' hip!
                   2052: How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
                   2053: %
                   2054:        When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
                   2055: operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
                   2056: it would be before she could resume her sex life.
                   2057:        "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
                   2058: "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
                   2059: %
                   2060:        When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
                   2061: that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
                   2062: hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
                   2063: to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
                   2064: but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
                   2065: seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
                   2066: invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
                   2067: sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?
                   2068:        Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
                   2069: It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
                   2070: Rumania.
                   2071:                -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
                   2072: %
                   2073:        While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
                   2074: the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight,
                   2075: three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
                   2076: "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
                   2077:        "Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
                   2078:        "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
                   2079: then.  We're trying to catch her."
                   2080:        "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
                   2081: carrying a bucket of sand?"
                   2082:        "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
                   2083: %
                   2084:        While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
                   2085: out of money just as her visa expired.  Unable to pay her passage back to
                   2086: France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
                   2087: proposition.  "My ship is sailing tonight," he said.  "I'll smuggle you
                   2088: aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
                   2089: and food.  All it will cost you is a little love."
                   2090:        The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
                   2091: board his vessel.  Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
                   2092: tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
                   2093: and departed.  The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
                   2094: into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
                   2095: evening and followed him.  After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
                   2096: waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
                   2097: an explanation.  She told him the whole story.
                   2098:        "Hmmm," mused the captian.  "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
                   2099: admire that young seaman's ingenuity.  However, miss, I feel it is only fair
                   2100: to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
                   2101: %
                   2102:        "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
                   2103: night?" demanded the irate mother.
                   2104: "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
                   2105:        "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
                   2106: movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
                   2107:        "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
                   2108:        "We did."
                   2109: %
                   2110:        With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
                   2111: Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  "What's the trouble,
                   2112: buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
                   2113:        "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
                   2114:        "I guessed that much.  Tell me about it."
                   2115:        "I can't," Conrad said.  But after a few more drinks his tongue
                   2116: and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
                   2117: "Okay. It's your wife."
                   2118:        "My wife!!"
                   2119:        "Yeah."
                   2120:        "What about her?"
                   2121:        Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
                   2122: his pal.  "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
                   2123: %
                   2124:        "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black.  Will there
                   2125: be anything else?"
                   2126: %
                   2127:        You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
                   2128: elephant in the bed with her.  Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
                   2129: up in the bar last night?"
                   2130:        "Uh-huh," the  elephant replies.
                   2131:        "Did I bring you home?"
                   2132:        "Uh-huh."
                   2133:        "Did we, uh, fool around?"
                   2134:        "Uh-huh."
                   2135:        "Lord, I must have been tight!"
                   2136:        "Not any more."
                   2137: %
                   2138: ... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured
                   2139: we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
                   2140: inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in religion
                   2141: as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
                   2142: naive.  As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
                   2143: might be advised to leave them to heaven.  They will not, unfortunately, do
                   2144: us the same courtesy.  They attack us and each other, and whatever their
                   2145: protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
                   2146: that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in
                   2147: God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
                   2148: for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
                   2149: virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians are
                   2150: frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
                   2151: because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.  Such ambiguity
                   2152: is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
                   2153: is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
                   2154: obscure such reality.
                   2155:                -- Steve Allen
                   2156: %
                   2157: ... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
                   2158: beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
                   2159: quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
                   2160: wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
                   2161: the same time.  Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
                   2162: had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
                   2163: concerned...
                   2164: I gan noo wha ma organs gan
                   2165: When oft I lay abed                    I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
                   2166: So rither hang me upside doon          That smelt so mooch of sweat
                   2167: Than by ma empty head.                 For she was iver sweet and pure
                   2168:                                        And iver her purse was wet.
                   2169: But old Sir Oswald allus stank
                   2170: Of horse and hound and dung            So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
                   2171: And when I chose to breech his rank    And draw ma innards out
                   2172: Was barrel to my bung.                 That all the wald around may see
                   2173:                                        What I have done without.
                   2174: But ere ye come to draw ma heart
                   2175: Na do it all so quick                  So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
                   2176: But prise the arse of Oswald 'part     'Tis all the same to me
                   2177: And bring me back ma prick.            I canna wait for him to die
                   2178:                                        Afore I have a pee.
                   2179:                -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
                   2180: %
                   2181: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
                   2182:
                   2183:  1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
                   2184:  2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
                   2185:  3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
                   2186:  4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
                   2187:  5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
                   2188:  6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
                   2189:  7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
                   2190:  8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
                   2191:  9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
                   2192: 10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
                   2193: %
                   2194: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
                   2195:
                   2196:  1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
                   2197:  2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
                   2198:        quarterback.
                   2199:  3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
                   2200:  4. You don't have to let a beer win.
                   2201:  5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
                   2202:        sleep with it beer, too.
                   2203:  6. A beer helps with the houswork.
                   2204:  7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
                   2205:  8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
                   2206:  9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
                   2207: 10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
                   2208: %
                   2209: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
                   2210:
                   2211:  1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
                   2212:  2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
                   2213:        quarterback.
                   2214:  3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
                   2215:  4. You don't have to let a beer win.
                   2216:  5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
                   2217:        sleep with it, too.
                   2218:  6. A beer helps with the houswork.
                   2219:  7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
                   2220:  8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
                   2221:  9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
                   2222: 10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
                   2223: %
                   2224: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
                   2225:
                   2226:  1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
                   2227:  2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
                   2228:  3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
                   2229:  4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
                   2230:  5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
                   2231:  6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
                   2232:  7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
                   2233:  8. A beer doesn't snore.
                   2234:  9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
                   2235: 10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
                   2236: %
                   2237: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
                   2238:
                   2239:  1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
                   2240:        aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
                   2241:  2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
                   2242:  3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
                   2243:  4. Beer tastes good.
                   2244:  5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
                   2245:        Hits" as much as you do.
                   2246:  6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
                   2247:  7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
                   2248:  8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
                   2249:  9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
                   2250:        cents less expensive.
                   2251: 10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
                   2252:        like grass.
                   2253: %
                   2254: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
                   2255:
                   2256:  1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
                   2257:  2. Beer stains wash out.
                   2258:  3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
                   2259:  4. Beer never makes you wait.
                   2260:  5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
                   2261:  6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
                   2262:  7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
                   2263:  8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
                   2264:  9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
                   2265: 10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
                   2266: %
                   2267: 15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
                   2268:
                   2269:  1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
                   2270:  2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
                   2271:  3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
                   2272:  4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
                   2273:  5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
                   2274:  6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
                   2275:  7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
                   2276:  8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
                   2277:  9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
                   2278: 10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
                   2279: 11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
                   2280: 12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
                   2281: 13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
                   2282: 14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
                   2283: 15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar".
                   2284: %
                   2285: 18th Rule of Friendship:
                   2286:        A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
                   2287:        to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
                   2288:        ever saw.
                   2289:                -- Esquire, May 1977
                   2290: %
                   2291: 20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
                   2292:  1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
                   2293:  2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
                   2294:  3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
                   2295:  4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
                   2296:  5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
                   2297:  6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
                   2298:  7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
                   2299:  8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
                   2300:  9. A beer won't steal the covers.
                   2301: 10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
                   2302: 11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
                   2303: 12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
                   2304: 13. A beer tastes good.
                   2305: 14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
                   2306: 15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
                   2307: 16. You don't have to let a beer win.
                   2308: 17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
                   2309: 18. A beer will never call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar-hips".
                   2310: 19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
                   2311: 20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
                   2312: %
                   2313: 667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
                   2314: %
                   2315: 68:
                   2316:        Do me now and I'll owe you one.
                   2317: %
                   2318: 6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
                   2319: %
                   2320: 69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
                   2321: %
                   2322: 71:
                   2323:        69 with two fingers up your ass.
                   2324:                -- George Carlin
                   2325: %
                   2326: 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
                   2327:        The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
                   2328:        Redwood Forest.
                   2329:
                   2330: 7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
                   2331:        The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
                   2332:        Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
                   2333: %
                   2334: 8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
                   2335:
                   2336:  1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
                   2337:  2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
                   2338:  3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
                   2339:  4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
                   2340:  5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
                   2341:        "just for the articles".
                   2342:  6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
                   2343:  7.  Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
                   2344:        else's beer.
                   2345:  8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
                   2346:        make you ill.
                   2347: %
                   2348: A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch.  He'd been prospecting for
                   2349: more than a year.
                   2350:        "Hey!  Y'got any wimmen around here?"
                   2351:        "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
                   2352:        "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled.  He
                   2353: downed his drink and left disgustedly.
                   2354: A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
                   2355: He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
                   2356: this part of town?"
                   2357:        "Nope.  Nary a one.  But we still got George in the back room."
                   2358:        Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
                   2359: thing," and turned on his heel and left.
                   2360:        Within a year he came back from his mine again.  With a wild look on
                   2361: his face he re-entered the saloon.  Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
                   2362: bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
                   2363: 'round here would know?"
                   2364:        "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
                   2365:        "Seven!?"
                   2366:        "Yep.  You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down.  You see,
                   2367: George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
                   2368: %
                   2369: A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
                   2370: patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
                   2371: women!"  The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
                   2372: of the bar.
                   2373:        The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
                   2374: bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women."  The guy took one look at him,
                   2375: blanched and ran out of the bar.
                   2376:        The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
                   2377: all over him.  "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
                   2378:        The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
                   2379: you one bit.  She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
                   2380: %
                   2381: A bad little girl in Madrid,
                   2382: A most reprehensible kid,
                   2383:        Told her Tante Louise
                   2384:        That her cunt smelled like cheese,
                   2385: And the worst of it was that it did!
                   2386: %
                   2387: A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
                   2388:        "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
                   2389:        "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
                   2390:        "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
                   2391:        "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
                   2392: %
                   2393: A bather whose clothing was strewed
                   2394: By breezes that left her quite nude,
                   2395:        Saw a man come along
                   2396:        And, unless I am wrong,
                   2397: You expected this line to be lewd.
                   2398: %
                   2399: A bather whose clothing was strewed
                   2400: By breezes that left her quite nude,
                   2401:        Saw a man come along
                   2402:        And, unless I'm quite wrong,
                   2403: You expected this line to be lewd.
                   2404: %
                   2405: A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
                   2406: six.  One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
                   2407: sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
                   2408: another shipwreck that morning.  After they got over their initial surprise
                   2409: at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
                   2410: this barren bit of land.
                   2411:        "Almost twenty years," he answered.
                   2412:        "Twenty years!" she exclaimed.  "But how ever did you survive?"
                   2413:        "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
                   2414: replied.
                   2415:        "And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
                   2416:        "What's that?"  He looked puzzled.
                   2417:        Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
                   2418: beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.  After they had finished, she asked
                   2419: how he had enjoyed it.
                   2420:        "Great!" was the reply.  "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
                   2421: %
                   2422: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
                   2423: I am not I, I'm a tree."
                   2424:        But another, more sane,
                   2425:        Shouted, "I'm a great dane "
                   2426: And covered his pants leg with pee.
                   2427: %
                   2428: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
                   2429: I am not I, I'm a tree."
                   2430:        But another, more sane,
                   2431:        Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
                   2432: And covered his pants leg with pee.
                   2433: %
                   2434: A beautiful belle of Del Norte
                   2435: Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
                   2436:        Because during the day
                   2437:        She says: "Boys, keep away!"
                   2438: But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
                   2439: %
                   2440: A beautiful lady named Psyche
                   2441: Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
                   2442:        One thing about Ike
                   2443:        The lady can't like
                   2444: Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
                   2445: %
                   2446: A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
                   2447: purgatory for the purse.
                   2448: %
                   2449: A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist.  The doctor takes
                   2450: one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past.  Right
                   2451: away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
                   2452: thigh.  As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
                   2453:        "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
                   2454: abnormalities."
                   2455:        "Correct," says the doctor.  He then begins to fondle her breasts.
                   2456: "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
                   2457:        "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
                   2458: cancer."
                   2459:        "That's right," replies the doctor.  He then gradually proceeds to
                   2460: having sexual intercourse with her.  "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
                   2461: now?"
                   2462:        "Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes."
                   2463: %
                   2464: A beetling young woman named Pridgets
                   2465: Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
                   2466:        Off the end of a wharf
                   2467:        She once pushed a dwarf
                   2468: Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
                   2469:                -- Edward Gorey
                   2470: %
                   2471: A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months.  Each week he
                   2472: would send his wife a telegram saying,
                   2473:        "Can't come home yet.  Still buying."
                   2474: His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
                   2475: She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
                   2476: rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
                   2477: she wired him,
                   2478:        "Better come home.  I'm selling what you're buying."
                   2479: %
                   2480: A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
                   2481: Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
                   2482:        When she swiveled about
                   2483:        Even strong men cried out,
                   2484: For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
                   2485: %
                   2486: A bisexual chap name of Lunt
                   2487: Taught himself an unusual stunt.
                   2488: He could peel back his spout
                   2489: Turn the skin inside out
                   2490: Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
                   2491: %
                   2492: A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
                   2493: %
                   2494: A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
                   2495: into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
                   2496: forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
                   2497:        "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
                   2498: apologized the rabbit.
                   2499:        "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
                   2500: problem!"
                   2501:        "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
                   2502: you think you could help me find out?"
                   2503:        "I'll try," said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the
                   2504: rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
                   2505: and long ears.  You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
                   2506:        "Great!" said the rabbit.  "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
                   2507:        "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either.  Do you
                   2508: suppose you could try and tell me?"
                   2509:        The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  "Well, you're low, cold
                   2510: and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
                   2511: no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
                   2512: %
                   2513: A bobby of Nottingham Junction
                   2514: Whose organ had long ceased to function
                   2515:        Deceived his good wife
                   2516:        For the rest of her life
                   2517: With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
                   2518: %
                   2519: A broken-down harlot named Tupps
                   2520: Was heard to confess in her cups:
                   2521:        "The height of my folly
                   2522:        Was diddling a collie-
                   2523: But I got a nice price for the pups."
                   2524: %
                   2525: A broken-down harlot named Tupps
                   2526: Was heard to confess in her cups:
                   2527:        "The height of my folly
                   2528:        Was fucking a collie --
                   2529: But I got a nice price for the pups."
                   2530: %
                   2531: A burleyque dancer, a pip
                   2532: Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
                   2533:        But she read science fiction
                   2534:        And died of constriction
                   2535: Attempting a Moebius strip.
                   2536:                -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
                   2537: %
                   2538: A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
                   2539: Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
                   2540: and that her price was $500.  He was taken aback by the price, but after
                   2541: a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room.  She spent a few
                   2542: minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
                   2543: masturbating furiously on the bed.  "What are you doing?", she asked.
                   2544:        "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
                   2545: %
                   2546: A busy young lady named Gloria
                   2547: Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
                   2548:        And then by six men,
                   2549:        Sir Gerald again,
                   2550: And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
                   2551: %
                   2552: A cabin boy on an old clipper
                   2553: Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
                   2554:        He plugged up his ass
                   2555:        With fragments of glass
                   2556: And thus circumcised his old skipper.
                   2557: %
                   2558: A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
                   2559: fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
                   2560: the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
                   2561:        The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
                   2562: to be alive.  The Catholic crossed himself.  Then the Protestant crossed
                   2563: himself in an accentuated manner.
                   2564:        "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
                   2565: Catholic!"
                   2566:        "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
                   2567: "spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen."
                   2568: %
                   2569: A cautious young fellow named Lodge
                   2570: Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
                   2571:        When his date was strapped in,
                   2572:        He committed a sin,
                   2573: Without even leaving his grodge.
                   2574: %
                   2575: A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
                   2576: Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
                   2577:        With his date all strapped in
                   2578:        He committed a sin
                   2579: Without even leaving the garage.
                   2580:                -- "A Boy and His Dog"
                   2581: %
                   2582: A cautious young fellow named Tunney
                   2583: Had a whang that was worth any money.
                   2584:        When eased in half-way,
                   2585:        The girl's sigh made him say,
                   2586: "Why the sigh?"  "For the rest of it, honey."
                   2587: %
                   2588: A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
                   2589: by starting a gimmick involving a horse.  His claim was that if anyone could
                   2590: get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house.  The idea
                   2591: worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
                   2592: whispered in the horse's ear.  The horse immediately burst into hysterical
                   2593: laughter and the man won the contest.  The next night the same thing
                   2594: happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
                   2595: laughing.  The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules.  Now,
                   2596: a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
                   2597: house.  Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
                   2598: horse into the bathroom for a minute?  I promise I'll make him cry."  The
                   2599: bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
                   2600: the horse was crying his eyes out.  The bartender could take it no more and
                   2601: said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
                   2602:        "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
                   2603:        "How did you make him cry tonight?"
                   2604:        "I proved it."
                   2605: %
                   2606: A certain young man, it was noted,
                   2607: Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
                   2608:        He said, "You may scoff,
                   2609:        But I shan't take it off;
                   2610: Underneath I am horribly bloated."
                   2611:                -- Edward Gorey
                   2612: %
                   2613: A certain young person of Ghent,
                   2614: Uncertain if lady or gent,
                   2615:        Shows his organs at large
                   2616:        For a small handling charge
                   2617: To assist him in paying the rent.
                   2618: %
                   2619: A certain young sheik of Algiers
                   2620: Said to his harem, "My dears,
                   2621:        Though you may think it odd of me,
                   2622:        I'm tired of just sodomy
                   2623: Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
                   2624: %
                   2625: A chap down in Oklahoma
                   2626: Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
                   2627:        But the sweetness of pitch
                   2628:        Couldn't put off the hitch
                   2629: Of impotence, size and aroma.
                   2630: %
                   2631: A charmer from old Amarillo,
                   2632: Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
                   2633:        Decided one day
                   2634:        That to keep men away
                   2635: She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
                   2636: %
                   2637: A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
                   2638: Had a pussy as large as a muff.
                   2639:        It had room for both hands
                   2640:        And some intimate glands,
                   2641: And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
                   2642: %
                   2643: A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
                   2644: %
                   2645: A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
                   2646: Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
                   2647:                -- Thomas Ybarra
                   2648: %
                   2649: A clergical student named Simms
                   2650: Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
                   2651:        A nice piece of ass
                   2652:        Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
                   2653: All the others get Anglican hymns.
                   2654: %
                   2655: A clerical student named Pryne
                   2656: Through pain sought to reach the divine:
                   2657:        He wore a hair shirt,
                   2658:        Quite often ate dirt,
                   2659: And bathed every Friday in brine.
                   2660:                -- Edward Gorey
                   2661: %
                   2662: A clever young man named Eugene
                   2663: Invented a jack-off machine.
                   2664:        On the twenty-third stroke
                   2665:        The fuckin' thing broke
                   2666: And beat both his balls to a creame.
                   2667: %
                   2668: A clever young man named Eugene
                   2669: Invented a jack-off machine.
                   2670:        On the twenty-third stroke
                   2671:        The goddam thing broke
                   2672: And beat both his balls to a creame.
                   2673: %
                   2674: A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
                   2675: most men know it's there, but few really care.
                   2676: %
                   2677: A cocksucking steno named Beeman
                   2678: Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
                   2679:        "On my minuscule salary
                   2680:         I must watch every calorie,
                   2681: So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
                   2682: %
                   2683: A computer called Illiac4
                   2684: Had a rather tough bug in its core.
                   2685:        It chewed up its cards
                   2686:        And spewed yards and yards
                   2687: Of illegible tape on the floor.
                   2688: %
                   2689: A computer, to print out a fact,
                   2690: Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
                   2691:        But this output can be
                   2692:        No more than debris,
                   2693: If the input was short of exact.
                   2694:                -- Gigo
                   2695: %
                   2696: A contortionist hailing from Lynch
                   2697: Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
                   2698:        A foot cost a quid --
                   2699:        He could and he did
                   2700: Stretch it to three in a pinch.
                   2701: %
                   2702: A corpulent maiden named Kroll
                   2703: Had a notion exceedingly droll:
                   2704:        At a masquerade ball,
                   2705:        Dressed in nothing at all,
                   2706: She backed in as a Parker House roll.
                   2707: %
                   2708: A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
                   2709:
                   2710:                [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
                   2711: %
                   2712: A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
                   2713: chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father left
                   2714: to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
                   2715:        "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
                   2716:        "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
                   2717:        "No, not that."
                   2718:        "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
                   2719:        "No, Mom.  Down underneath."
                   2720:        His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
                   2721:        Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
                   2722: a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
                   2723:        "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
                   2724:        "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the
                   2725: other end."
                   2726:        "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
                   2727:        "No.  Down there."
                   2728:        The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
                   2729: penis."
                   2730:        "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
                   2731:        The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
                   2732: that woman."
                   2733: %
                   2734: A couple was fishing near Clombe
                   2735: When the maid began looking quite glum,
                   2736:        And said, "Bother the fish!
                   2737:        I'd rather coish!"
                   2738: Which they did -- which was why they had come.
                   2739: %
                   2740: A cowhand way out in Seattle
                   2741: Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
                   2742:        He said, "No, I can't fuck
                   2743:        A lamb or a duck,
                   2744: But golly! it just fits the cattle."
                   2745: %
                   2746: A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
                   2747: And had an affair with a Saracen.
                   2748:        She was not oversexed,
                   2749:        Or jealous or vexed,
                   2750: She just wanted to make a comparison.
                   2751: %
                   2752: A CS student named Lin
                   2753: Had a prick the size of a pin
                   2754:        It was no good for girls
                   2755:        But just great for squirrels
                   2756: Who squealed with delight with it in.
                   2757: %
                   2758: A cute little twerp from Samoa
                   2759: Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
                   2760:        It was good for keyholes
                   2761:        And debutantes' peeholes
                   2762: But not worth a damn on a whoa.
                   2763: %
                   2764: A daredevil skater named Lowe,
                   2765: Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
                   2766:        But is proudest of doing,
                   2767:        Some incredible screwing,
                   2768: Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
                   2769: %
                   2770: A deep-throated virgin named Netty
                   2771: Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
                   2772:        She said, "It tastes nice,
                   2773:        Much better than rice,
                   2774: Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
                   2775: %
                   2776: A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
                   2777:                -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
                   2778: %
                   2779: A delighted, incredulous bride
                   2780: Remarked to her groom at her side :
                   2781:        "I never could quite
                   2782:         Believe till tonight
                   2783: Our anatomies would coincide."
                   2784: %
                   2785: A dentist, young doctor Malone,
                   2786: Got a charming girl patient alone,
                   2787:        And, in his depravity,
                   2788:        Filled the wrong cavity.
                   2789: God, how his practice has grown.
                   2790: %
                   2791: A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
                   2792: With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
                   2793:        Let his third-story front,
                   2794:        To a willing young cunt,
                   2795: Who supplied him a new lease on life!
                   2796: %
                   2797: A desperate spinster from Clare
                   2798: Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
                   2799:        And prayed to her God
                   2800:        For a romp on the sod--
                   2801: 'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
                   2802: %
                   2803: A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
                   2804: Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
                   2805:        As quick as a glance
                   2806:        He stripped off his pants,
                   2807: But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
                   2808: %
                   2809: A doctoral student from Buckingham
                   2810: Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
                   2811:        But a dropout from paree
                   2812:        Taught him Gamahuchee
                   2813: - so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
                   2814: %
                   2815: A doctoral student from Buckingham
                   2816: Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
                   2817:        But a dropout from paree
                   2818:        Taught him Gamahuchee
                   2819: So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
                   2820: %
                   2821: A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
                   2822: Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
                   2823:        She blew her vagina
                   2824:        To South Carolina,
                   2825: And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
                   2826:
                   2827: A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
                   2828: Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
                   2829:        They found her vagina,
                   2830:        In South Carolina,
                   2831: And part of her ass in Brazil.
                   2832: %
                   2833: A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
                   2834: Whose overworked sex is all callous,
                   2835:        Wore the foreskin away
                   2836:        On uncircumcised Ray,
                   2837: Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
                   2838: %
                   2839: A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
                   2840: Wished to foster an aura of menace;
                   2841:        To make people afraid
                   2842:        He wore gloves of grey suede
                   2843: And white footgear intended for tennis.
                   2844:                -- Edward Gorey
                   2845: %
                   2846: A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
                   2847: Wished to foster an aura of menace.
                   2848:        To make people afraid
                   2849:        He wore gloves of grey suede
                   2850: And white footgear intended for tennis.
                   2851:                -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
                   2852: %
                   2853: A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
                   2854: watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women.  The
                   2855: guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
                   2856: moments with each woman.  As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
                   2857: hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
                   2858: shocked at his approach.  Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
                   2859: they hit it off immediately.  After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
                   2860: the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators.  As they
                   2861: passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
                   2862:        "Well," the man replied, "It's simple.  You say 'Tickle your ass
                   2863: with a feather?'  If she sounds interested, you take it from there.  If she
                   2864: sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
                   2865:        The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
                   2866: at the end of the bar to try out his new approach.  Getting her attention,
                   2867: he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
                   2868:        "What?!?!?" she screams.
                   2869:        "Raining like hell, isn't it?"
                   2870: %
                   2871: A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
                   2872: %
                   2873: A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation.  He rented a boat,
                   2874: rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
                   2875: down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
                   2876: on the bottom of the lake.  He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
                   2877: station.  "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
                   2878: drowned in the lake!"
                   2879:        "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
                   2880: more chain than he can swim with?"
                   2881: %
                   2882: A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
                   2883: A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
                   2884: %
                   2885: A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
                   2886:        "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
                   2887: The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
                   2888: %
                   2889: A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
                   2890: coming again soon.  Bend over.
                   2891: %
                   2892: A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
                   2893: hard it was to get any sleep.
                   2894:        "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
                   2895: drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
                   2896:        "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
                   2897:        "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
                   2898: %
                   2899: A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
                   2900: That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
                   2901: and that's how we'll do it now.
                   2902:                -- Dick Hamlet
                   2903: %
                   2904: A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
                   2905:                -- Bobby Knight
                   2906: %
                   2907: A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
                   2908: it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
                   2909: %
                   2910: A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
                   2911: professor.  She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
                   2912: and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
                   2913: night.  As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
                   2914: asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
                   2915:        "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
                   2916: %
                   2917: A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
                   2918: the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
                   2919: with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces.  She invited him to come in and
                   2920: speak to the class.  The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
                   2921: a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
                   2922:        "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
                   2923: territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
                   2924: At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
                   2925:        "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting.  As we
                   2926: fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
                   2927: fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
                   2928: At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
                   2929: openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
                   2930: to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
                   2931: German Air Force.
                   2932:        He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
                   2933: %
                   2934: A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
                   2935: they hoped would prove to be the missing link.  The proof of their theory,
                   2936: however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
                   2937: what characteristics the offspring would assume.  Needing volunteers, the
                   2938: scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
                   2939:        Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
                   2940: would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
                   2941:        "First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
                   2942: must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
                   2943: %
                   2944: A guest in a household quite charmless
                   2945: Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
                   2946:        "If you're caught unawares
                   2947:        At the head of the stairs,
                   2948: Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
                   2949:                -- Edward Gorey
                   2950: %
                   2951: A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
                   2952: girl there.
                   2953:        "This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."
                   2954:        "What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
                   2955: He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
                   2956:        "This frog can eat pussy."
                   2957: The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
                   2958: a filthy lie.  But no, he assures her, it's completely true.  And after much
                   2959: discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
                   2960: She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
                   2961: says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"  The frog is immobile, despite his
                   2962: owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
                   2963:        "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
                   2964:        "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
                   2965: By now, the girl is laughing openly.
                   2966:        "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
                   2967: only going to show you one more time."
                   2968: %
                   2969: A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
                   2970: into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
                   2971: and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
                   2972: curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
                   2973:        Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
                   2974: %
                   2975: A habit depraved and unsavory
                   2976: Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
                   2977:        Midst screeches and howls
                   2978:        He deflowered young owls
                   2979: Which he kept in an underground aviary
                   2980: %
                   2981: A habit obscene and bizarre,
                   2982: Has taken a-hold of papa.
                   2983:        He brings home young camels
                   2984:        And other odd mammals,
                   2985: And gives them a go at mama.
                   2986: %
                   2987: A habit obscene and unsavory,
                   2988: Holds a CS professor in slavery.
                   2989:        With maniacal howls,
                   2990:        He deflowers young owls,
                   2991: That he keeps in an underground aviary.
                   2992: %
                   2993: A hacker who screwed a mag tape
                   2994: Was caught and convicted of rape.
                   2995:        To jail he did go,
                   2996:        From which, to his woe
                   2997: He couldn't get out with ESC.
                   2998: %
                   2999: A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
                   3000: Made love to the drive of his disk.
                   3001:        The thing circumsized him,
                   3002:        Which rather suprised him.
                   3003: He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
                   3004: %
                   3005: A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
                   3006: %
                   3007: A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
                   3008: %
                   3009: A hard man is good to find.
                   3010: %
                   3011: A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
                   3012: the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
                   3013: right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
                   3014: that?"
                   3015:        When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
                   3016: downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
                   3017: all cocksuckers.  Anyone have a problem with that?"
                   3018:        Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink.  Suddenly, a man
                   3019: on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy.  "Hey, asshole!"
                   3020: the thug bellowed.  "You got a problem with what I said?"
                   3021:        "No problem at all," came the reply.  "I was just sitting at the wrong
                   3022: end of the bar."
                   3023: %
                   3024: A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor.  In gratitude, the boy gave
                   3025: the hunter a magic gorilla prick.  The lad said the prick would do anything you
                   3026: told it to do until you told it to do something else.  When the hunter returned
                   3027: home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
                   3028: of his other trophies.  His wife thought it quaint and his story charming.  But
                   3029: soon, the hunter went a-safariing again.  He was away for months.  One evening,
                   3030: the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
                   3031: Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
                   3032: thoroughness and ferocity.  For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
                   3033: but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
                   3034: Gorilla Prick," but it didn't.  After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
                   3035: Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole.  But nothing
                   3036: worked.  Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
                   3037:        "Saunders, help me please!"
                   3038:        "But what is it, Madame?"
                   3039:        "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
                   3040:        "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
                   3041: %
                   3042: A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.  When
                   3043: she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.  The man shouted,
                   3044: "What, no wool?  In my country all women have wool down there."
                   3045:        The prostitute snapped back,  "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
                   3046: %
                   3047: A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
                   3048: the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
                   3049: and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
                   3050: line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
                   3051: do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
                   3052:        The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
                   3053: there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
                   3054: 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
                   3055: third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
                   3056:        "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
                   3057: this here corn liquor?"
                   3058:        "Got one right here," replied the guard.
                   3059:        The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
                   3060: "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
                   3061:        "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
                   3062: a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
                   3063:        The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
                   3064: with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
                   3065: smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
                   3066: want killed?"
                   3067: %
                   3068: A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream.  "Help! Help, I
                   3069: can't thwim!"  One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
                   3070: over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream.  Just reach out
                   3071: and grab that buoy near you."  To which the floundering sodomite answered,
                   3072: "Buoy!  Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
                   3073: %
                   3074: A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
                   3075:                -- Norman Mailer
                   3076: %
                   3077: A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
                   3078: father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
                   3079: used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
                   3080:        "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man.  "Why, boy, before
                   3081: your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse.  Suddenly, from
                   3082: behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn!  He told me to get
                   3083: down off the horse and to give him all my money.  Then, he told me to scoop
                   3084: some manure from the ground and eat it!"
                   3085:        "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
                   3086: And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
                   3087: I grabbed the guns from his hands!  I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
                   3088: it's your turn -- you eat the shit!'  I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
                   3089:        "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit!  Why,
                   3090: we had *lunch* together!"
                   3091: %
                   3092: A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
                   3093: Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
                   3094:        "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
                   3095: backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
                   3096: thet one wuz!"
                   3097:        "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
                   3098: the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
                   3099:        Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse?  Whut's thet, Judge?"
                   3100:        His Honor sighed.  "It's a technicality of language that you're
                   3101: probably not aware of.  Never mind.  Please continue."
                   3102:        "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
                   3103: was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
                   3104: Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
                   3105:        "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
                   3106: Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
                   3107:        "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
                   3108: not aware of!"
                   3109: %
                   3110: A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
                   3111:                -- Thomas Hardy
                   3112: %
                   3113: A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
                   3114:                -- Carrie Snow
                   3115: %
                   3116: A man always needs to remember one thing about
                   3117: a beautiful woman.  Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
                   3118: %
                   3119: A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
                   3120: husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
                   3121: wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
                   3122:
                   3123:        "Dear, there's something I must tell you.  I'm a virgin."
                   3124: Naturally, the husband is surprised.
                   3125:        "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
                   3126: virgin?"
                   3127:        "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
                   3128: computer programmer."
                   3129:        "What's so odd about that?", he asked.  "Why would you still be
                   3130: a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
                   3131:        "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
                   3132: tell me how great it was going to be."
                   3133: %
                   3134: A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
                   3135: who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
                   3136: lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
                   3137: you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
                   3138: her again.  Okay?"
                   3139:        "Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
                   3140: on the side to make it interesting?"
                   3141: %
                   3142: A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
                   3143: or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
                   3144:                -- Joan Rivers
                   3145: %
                   3146: A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.  The man sitting
                   3147: next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
                   3148: Polish."
                   3149:        He then calls out, "Ivan!  Come over here and bring your brother."
                   3150: Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
                   3151:        "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
                   3152: with you."  Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
                   3153: the joke.
                   3154:        "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
                   3155:        "Nah," says the man.
                   3156:        "Oh, no?  And why not?  I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
                   3157: man, opening and closing his fist.  "Are you scared?"
                   3158:        "No," replies the man.  "I just don't feel like having to explain it
                   3159: five times."
                   3160: %
                   3161: A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy.  When he wakes up
                   3162: from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
                   3163: around his bed.
                   3164:        "What happened?" he asks worriedly.
                   3165:        "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
                   3166: and you got mixed-up with another patient.  Instead of an appendectomy, we
                   3167: performed a sex-change operation.  Your penis has been removed and a vagina
                   3168: has been crafted into place."
                   3169:        "WHAT!!!" screams the man.  "That's horrible!  What am I going to
                   3170: tell my wife?  Can't you reverse it?  This means I'm never going to experience
                   3171: another erection!"
                   3172:        "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
                   3173: course, have to be someone else's."
                   3174: %
                   3175: A man is as old as the woman he feels.
                   3176:                -- Groucho Marx
                   3177: %
                   3178: A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
                   3179: sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
                   3180: car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
                   3181:        "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
                   3182:        "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
                   3183:        "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
                   3184:        So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
                   3185: I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
                   3186:        "Nope," says the hijacker.  "Do it again."
                   3187:        "Again?" the driver exclaims.  "I just did it."
                   3188:        "Do it again."
                   3189:        It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
                   3190: Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
                   3191:        "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
                   3192: time."
                   3193:        The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat.  It takes him
                   3194: twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
                   3195:        "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
                   3196:        "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun.  "And this is my daughter;
                   3197: I want you to drive her into Salerno."
                   3198: %
                   3199: A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
                   3200: for companionship.  The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
                   3201: until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
                   3202: which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared.  Months later,
                   3203: a raft drifts into sight.  The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
                   3204: takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
                   3205:        "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully.  "I'd do absolutely
                   3206: anything to show my gratitude."
                   3207:        "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
                   3208: that holds up his ragged pants.  "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
                   3209: and take that damn dog for a walk!"
                   3210: %
                   3211: A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
                   3212: in-one.  As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
                   3213:        "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
                   3214: is your heart's desire?"
                   3215:        "Great!", replies the man.  I want a longer penis."
                   3216:        "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
                   3217:        As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
                   3218: feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
                   3219: By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
                   3220: his knee.  Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
                   3221: grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course.  Three weeks later,
                   3222: he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
                   3223:        "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
                   3224: is your heart's desire?"
                   3225:        "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man.  "Listen, could you make
                   3226: my legs longer?"
                   3227: %
                   3228: A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
                   3229: contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
                   3230:        "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
                   3231: out in public!"
                   3232:        "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
                   3233:        "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot.  "I don't want you
                   3234: showing that thing to everybody."
                   3235:        And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
                   3236: when he hands her $1000.
                   3237:        "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
                   3238: you to?" she asks.
                   3239:        "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says.  "I thought we could use
                   3240: the money."
                   3241:        "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
                   3242: tears welling up in her eyes.
                   3243:        "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
                   3244: %
                   3245: A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
                   3246: longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse,
                   3247: followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
                   3248: other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
                   3249: no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
                   3250:        "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
                   3251: but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is
                   3252: the funeral for?"
                   3253:        "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
                   3254: in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman
                   3255: attacked and killed her."
                   3256:        "That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you
                   3257: don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
                   3258:        "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
                   3259: %
                   3260: A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
                   3261: antennae coming out of his head.  He goes up to him and says, "You're not
                   3262: from around here, are you?"
                   3263:        "No," replies the man with the antennae.
                   3264:        "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
                   3265: either.  In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
                   3266:        "Right again," says the man with four arms.  "I'm from Mars."
                   3267:        "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
                   3268: there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
                   3269:        "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
                   3270:        "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
                   3271: big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
                   3272: Martians have that?"
                   3273:        "Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
                   3274: %
                   3275: A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
                   3276: bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
                   3277:                -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
                   3278: %
                   3279: A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
                   3280: %
                   3281: A man never minds being in the doghouse
                   3282: as long as he can get his tail outside.
                   3283: %
                   3284: A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
                   3285: three straight scotches.  The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
                   3286: them one after another.
                   3287:        "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
                   3288:        "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
                   3289:        "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
                   3290:        "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
                   3291: the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
                   3292: %
                   3293: A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
                   3294: help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
                   3295: the train platform.
                   3296:        "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
                   3297:        "Glad to do it," said the other man.
                   3298:        "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
                   3299:        "It was a pleasure," said the man.
                   3300:        "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
                   3301: "she was a truly great lay."
                   3302:        The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
                   3303: to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
                   3304: to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
                   3305:        "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it.  But
                   3306: Sam is a helluva nice guy."
                   3307: %
                   3308: A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
                   3309: some good news and some bad news."
                   3310:        "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
                   3311:        "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
                   3312: longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
                   3313:        "That's great!" says his patient.  "What's the bad news?"
                   3314:        "Malignant."
                   3315: %
                   3316: A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
                   3317: water hazard and croaked,  "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
                   3318: person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
                   3319: First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
                   3320: ever had; beyond your wildest dreams.  Or, second, for a whole year you can
                   3321: be the best golfer the world has ever known.  Which do you prefer?"  The man
                   3322: thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf.  Well, the man holed his wood
                   3323: shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
                   3324: went round in 22.  Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
                   3325: and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
                   3326: he went.  A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
                   3327: and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
                   3328: and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before.  But tell me, I
                   3329: was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
                   3330: outstanding?"  The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
                   3331: at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
                   3332: last year?" inquired the frog.  The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
                   3333: or ten times, I guess."  "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
                   3334: satisfactory."  "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
                   3335: for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
                   3336: %
                   3337: A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
                   3338: says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
                   3339: me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
                   3340:        "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
                   3341:        "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
                   3342: and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
                   3343: her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
                   3344:        The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
                   3345:        "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
                   3346: after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
                   3347: got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
                   3348: After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
                   3349: took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
                   3350: out."
                   3351:        "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
                   3352:        "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
                   3353:        "Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
                   3354: that doubt!"
                   3355: %
                   3356: A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
                   3357: find a girl willing to listen to him.
                   3358: %
                   3359: A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer.  The bartender
                   3360: shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
                   3361:        "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
                   3362: the glass for me?
                   3363:        "Sure," said the bartender.
                   3364:        "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
                   3365: you'll find the money for the beer."
                   3366:        The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
                   3367:        "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
                   3368: Where is the men's room?"
                   3369:        "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
                   3370: two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
                   3371: %
                   3372: A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
                   3373: %
                   3374: A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
                   3375: %
                   3376: A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
                   3377: for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home.  One day the son
                   3378: wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
                   3379: old age home that money can buy.
                   3380:        On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
                   3381: to lean a little bit to one side.  Right away a nurse runs over and gently
                   3382: straightens the old man.  A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
                   3383: finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side.  Another nurse runs
                   3384: over and gently pushes him upright again.
                   3385:        The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
                   3386: being treated.
                   3387:        "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father.  "I really like
                   3388: it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
                   3389: there's just one little problem."
                   3390:        "What's that, Dad?"
                   3391:        "They won't let you fart."
                   3392: %
                   3393: A midget had a date with a very tall girl.  It was a quiff-hanger.
                   3394: %
                   3395: A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
                   3396: many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
                   3397: the police.
                   3398:                -- Mr. Dooley
                   3399: %
                   3400: A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
                   3401: swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again.  The mouse worked
                   3402: his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
                   3403:        "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
                   3404:        "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
                   3405:        The mouse's eyes bugged out.  "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
                   3406: %
                   3407: A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
                   3408: Alaska, where there were no women for miles.  He finally couldn't take it
                   3409: anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
                   3410: the pressure.
                   3411:        "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
                   3412: foreman.  "The other men swear by it."
                   3413:        The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
                   3414: his life.  "That barrel is fantastic!  Warm!  Wet!  I'm going to use it
                   3415: every day!"
                   3416:        "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
                   3417: other men replied.
                   3418:        "Why not then?"
                   3419:        "That's your day in the barrel."
                   3420: %
                   3421: A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes.  So intent is he
                   3422: on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
                   3423: over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
                   3424: As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
                   3425: from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
                   3426: "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
                   3427: you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
                   3428:        Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
                   3429:        "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
                   3430:        "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
                   3431:        "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
                   3432:        "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU.  LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
                   3433:        Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I...  here I go!"  And he falls
                   3434: to his death.
                   3435:        "DUMB YANKEE."
                   3436: %
                   3437: A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
                   3438: by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
                   3439: out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
                   3440: that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
                   3441: himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
                   3442: the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
                   3443:        "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
                   3444: onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
                   3445:        "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
                   3446: gallon or two."
                   3447: %
                   3448: A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
                   3449:                -- Phyllis Schlafly
                   3450: %
                   3451: A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
                   3452: out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
                   3453: Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two.  After a few
                   3454: minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
                   3455: and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him.  The chemistry between
                   3456: them is immediate and total.  They have the next drink in her room, and spend
                   3457: the night repeatedly making passionate love.  The woman has no idea of her
                   3458: partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad.  In the
                   3459: morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower.  Reflecting on the previous
                   3460: night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover.  Without even
                   3461: bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
                   3462: where the woman is still in bed, exhausted.  He kneels beside the bed, looks
                   3463: deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
                   3464: you -- I'm Thor!".
                   3465:        The woman looks at him.  "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
                   3466: like grated cheeth!"
                   3467: %
                   3468: A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
                   3469: sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
                   3470: married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
                   3471: to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
                   3472: risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
                   3473: to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
                   3474: thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
                   3475: that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
                   3476: children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
                   3477: by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
                   3478:                -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
                   3479:                   attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
                   3480:                   pornography.
                   3481: %
                   3482: A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
                   3483: sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
                   3484: married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
                   3485: to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
                   3486: risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
                   3487: to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
                   3488: thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
                   3489: that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
                   3490: children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
                   3491: by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
                   3492:                -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
                   3493:                attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
                   3494:                pornography.
                   3495: %
                   3496: A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
                   3497: going to win any trophies, at least on this course.  On the 3rd hole, after
                   3498: two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
                   3499:        His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
                   3500: nothing.
                   3501:        On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
                   3502: the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
                   3503:        This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
                   3504: more and more upset about his language.  Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
                   3505: misses a very easy putt.  Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
                   3506: club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time.  His wife
                   3507: whirls around and cries, "Honey!  Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
                   3508:        Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
                   3509: daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
                   3510: you?"
                   3511:        "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
                   3512: %
                   3513: A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
                   3514: %
                   3515: A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
                   3516: talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping.  The trade
                   3517: was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
                   3518: their respective houses.  After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
                   3519: the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
                   3520: said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
                   3521: %
                   3522: A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
                   3523: true to the very end of the end of a friend.
                   3524: %
                   3525: A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
                   3526: who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
                   3527: speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
                   3528: unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
                   3529:                -- Thackeray
                   3530: %
                   3531: A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
                   3532: trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments.  With this in
                   3533: mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
                   3534: results.  Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard.  Since the talented
                   3535: octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed.  Opening the door
                   3536: the next morning, he asked the octopus,
                   3537:        "Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
                   3538:        "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
                   3539: night!"
                   3540: %
                   3541: A person who has both feet planted firmly
                   3542: in the air can be safely called a liberal.
                   3543: %
                   3544: A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
                   3545: against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
                   3546: hands.  He's moaning something about how "They took my car!"  Seeing that
                   3547: the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
                   3548: of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
                   3549:        "What happened to your car?"
                   3550:        "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
                   3551: stole it!  Please officer, get my Porsche back.  My God, it was right on
                   3552: the end of my key!  Where is it?  They stole it and it was right here;
                   3553: right on my key!"
                   3554:        "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do.  You'll have to come
                   3555: down to the stat...  Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
                   3556: yourself!"
                   3557:        "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
                   3558: %
                   3559: A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
                   3560: %
                   3561: A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
                   3562: %
                   3563: A programmer down in Moline
                   3564: Said, I'm the match for any machine.
                   3565:        My secret's aversion,
                   3566:        To loops and recursion,
                   3567: Just acres of in-line routine.
                   3568:                -- W.J. Wilson
                   3569: %
                   3570: A progressive professor named Winners
                   3571: Held classes each evening for sinners.
                   3572:        They were graded and spaced
                   3573:        So the vile and debased
                   3574: Would not be held back by beginners.
                   3575: %
                   3576: A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
                   3577: over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
                   3578:        The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
                   3579: Bishop."
                   3580:        "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
                   3581:        "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
                   3582: might be made an Archbishop."
                   3583:        "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
                   3584:        "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
                   3585:        "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
                   3586:        Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
                   3587: be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
                   3588:        "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
                   3589: up from being the Pope?"
                   3590:        "What?!  I should be the Messiah himself?!"
                   3591:        The rabbi leaned back and smiled.  "One of our boys made it."
                   3592: %
                   3593: A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
                   3594: commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
                   3595:        The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
                   3596: the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
                   3597: field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
                   3598: room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
                   3599: beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
                   3600:        Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
                   3601: looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
                   3602: obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
                   3603: %
                   3604: A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
                   3605: and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
                   3606: to visit the local pet shop.  The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
                   3607: could conduct a civilized conversation.  This seemed to be an excellent
                   3608: idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
                   3609: and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'"  Silence from the bird.  "Come on now, say
                   3610: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
                   3611:        At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
                   3612:        Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
                   3613: in the refrigerator."  Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
                   3614: its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
                   3615:        "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
                   3616:        Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!  Ten minutes
                   3617: in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
                   3618:        Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
                   3619: big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving.  Startled, he squawks, "My God,
                   3620: you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
                   3621: %
                   3622: A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
                   3623: his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
                   3624: sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprieter, "How much
                   3625: to replace this, Ian?"  The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
                   3626: pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
                   3627: condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
                   3628: for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
                   3629:        Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
                   3630: says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
                   3631: %
                   3632: A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
                   3633: One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
                   3634: He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
                   3635: So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
                   3636:
                   3637: Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
                   3638: One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
                   3639: "See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
                   3640: "I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
                   3641:
                   3642: They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
                   3643: They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
                   3644: And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
                   3645: Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
                   3646:
                   3647: They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
                   3648: "Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
                   3649: As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
                   3650: Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
                   3651:
                   3652: The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
                   3653: Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
                   3654: Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
                   3655: "Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
                   3656:                -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
                   3657: %
                   3658: A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
                   3659: all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer.  "Say,
                   3660: Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
                   3661:        "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
                   3662: cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
                   3663:        "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff.  "Pretty gory work -- were
                   3664: all of 'em dead?"
                   3665:        Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
                   3666: you know how them Mex'cans lie."
                   3667: %
                   3668: A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
                   3669: act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
                   3670: styles of condoms.  The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
                   3671: for fun at the lad's expense.
                   3672:        "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
                   3673: The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
                   3674: her hand as she measured it.  When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
                   3675: a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
                   3676: tremendous discharge.  After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
                   3677: give him the proper size.
                   3678:        "I'll do more than that," she said.  "I'll give you free meals and a
                   3679: half interest in the store."
                   3680: %
                   3681: A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game.  It
                   3682: happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
                   3683: greats are there.  The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
                   3684: third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
                   3685:        The first batter up is Mickey Mantle.  On the second pitch he
                   3686: swings that bat and CRACK!  The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
                   3687: The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
                   3688: Runna Mickey!"
                   3689:        The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio.  The pitcher, pitching him
                   3690: carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
                   3691:        "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
                   3692: to walk to first base.
                   3693:        The father yells out, "Runna Joe!  Runna Joe!"
                   3694:        "No, no, Pop," corrects his son.  "He got four balls.  He walks."
                   3695:        And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
                   3696: Joe.  Walka proud."
                   3697: %
                   3698: A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
                   3699: animals.  When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
                   3700: attendant.
                   3701:        "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
                   3702: pricks than those raised in Africa?"
                   3703:        The attendant hesitated for a moment.  "Well, ma'am," he answered,
                   3704: "the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
                   3705: about the same."
                   3706: %
                   3707: A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
                   3708: the local saloon.  After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
                   3709: hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
                   3710:        The bartender replied, "Nope.  Ain't no women in this town!"
                   3711:        "No women? What do the men do for... er..."
                   3712:        "Oh, for sex?  Did you see all those pigs in the street?  That's the
                   3713: answer, right there."
                   3714:        Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
                   3715: drinking.  Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
                   3716: wanted to try out a pig himself.  He had watched several miners walk upstairs
                   3717: to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms.  Now, he was
                   3718: game to make his move.  He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
                   3719: a nice fat, pink sow.  As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
                   3720: quiet.  In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
                   3721:        "What's the matter?  I thought all you fellows did this!"
                   3722:        "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
                   3723: %
                   3724: A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
                   3725: %
                   3726: A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
                   3727: for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.  Under
                   3728: a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
                   3729: with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.  Sobbing
                   3730: uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
                   3731:        "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
                   3732:        "Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
                   3733:        "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
                   3734: "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
                   3735: %
                   3736: A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
                   3737: greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
                   3738:        Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
                   3739:        "Yes, Tony?"
                   3740:        "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
                   3741:        "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
                   3742: but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
                   3743:        From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
                   3744:        "Yes, Bernie?"
                   3745:        "Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
                   3746:        "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
                   3747: your apple."
                   3748:        When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
                   3749: the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
                   3750: that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
                   3751:        "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
                   3752: but business is business."
                   3753: %
                   3754: A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
                   3755: %
                   3756: A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
                   3757: Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
                   3758:        The result of this fuck
                   3759:        Was a three titted duck,
                   3760: A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
                   3761: %
                   3762: A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
                   3763: century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
                   3764: rare and exotic.  One night one of the elephants escaped.  It was hungry
                   3765: and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard.  The woman, who had
                   3766: never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
                   3767:
                   3768: Little Old Lady:  "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
                   3769: Police:        "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right.  Now exactly what
                   3770:        does it look like?"
                   3771: LOL:   "It's a dark color and it's tremendous!  It's pulling up my
                   3772:        vegetables with its tail!"
                   3773: Police:        "With its tail?  Then what's it doing?"
                   3774: LOL:   "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
                   3775: %
                   3776: A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
                   3777: %
                   3778: A virgin is chaste.
                   3779: %
                   3780: A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
                   3781: %
                   3782: A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
                   3783: comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
                   3784:                -- Oscar Wilde
                   3785: %
                   3786: A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
                   3787:                -- Addison
                   3788: %
                   3789: A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
                   3790: *for the rest of your life*.
                   3791:                -- Jim Samuels
                   3792: %
                   3793: A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
                   3794: this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
                   3795: unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
                   3796:                -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
                   3797:                masturbation is "by no means harmless"
                   3798: %
                   3799: A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
                   3800: %
                   3801: A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
                   3802:                -- Scott
                   3803: %
                   3804: A woman forgives the audacity of which
                   3805: her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
                   3806:                -- LeSage
                   3807: %
                   3808: A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
                   3809: dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a little worried
                   3810: about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
                   3811:        "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
                   3812: with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
                   3813: much.  I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
                   3814:        The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
                   3815: side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
                   3816:        "On my balls."
                   3817: %
                   3818: A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
                   3819: thankful for a good one.
                   3820:                -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
                   3821: %
                   3822: A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
                   3823: the passenger seat.  The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
                   3824:        The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
                   3825: people personal questions."
                   3826:        The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
                   3827:        The mother replies "That's a personal question too.  I'm not going
                   3828: to tell you."
                   3829:        Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions.  The mother parks the
                   3830: car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes.  You stay here in
                   3831: the car and watch my purse."
                   3832:        After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
                   3833: license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it.  When
                   3834: her mother returns they drive off.  The little girl comments:
                   3835:        "Mommy, I know how old you are.  You're 32."
                   3836:        "That's right!  How did you know?"
                   3837:        "And you weigh 119 pounds."
                   3838:        "Did you look in my purse?"
                   3839:        "And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
                   3840:        "You *do*?"
                   3841:        "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
                   3842: %
                   3843: A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
                   3844:                -- Blind Lemon Pledge
                   3845: %
                   3846: A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
                   3847: she flies; fly from her, she follows.
                   3848:                -- Chamfort
                   3849: %
                   3850: A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
                   3851: little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
                   3852:                -- Adolf Hitler
                   3853: %
                   3854: A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
                   3855: It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
                   3856:                -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
                   3857: %
                   3858: A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
                   3859: over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
                   3860: pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
                   3861:                -- Stendhal
                   3862: %
                   3863: A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
                   3864:                -- Herodotus
                   3865: %
                   3866: A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
                   3867: pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
                   3868: woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
                   3869: love, without virtue, without sex.
                   3870:                -- Balzac
                   3871: %
                   3872: A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
                   3873:                -- Pancho Villa
                   3874: %
                   3875: A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
                   3876:                -- Gloria Steinem
                   3877: %
                   3878: A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
                   3879: Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
                   3880: %
                   3881: A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
                   3882: as he can.
                   3883:                -- Moms Mabley
                   3884: %
                   3885: A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
                   3886: sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
                   3887: off his penis.
                   3888:        The years go by, and the boy finally marries.  After a rather
                   3889: uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
                   3890: tell her why he won't make love to her.
                   3891:        "Well, honey," he replies.  "You have... teeth... down there."
                   3892:        "What!?" she replies unbelievingly.  "No I don't!  Honest, darling,
                   3893: come here and look for yourself."
                   3894:        The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
                   3895:        "There!" his wife says triumphantly.  "Now do you believe me?"
                   3896:        "Yes," replied her husband.  "And your gums are in *terrible*
                   3897: condition."
                   3898: %
                   3899: A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
                   3900: She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
                   3901: three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
                   3902: %
                   3903: A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
                   3904: himself.  When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
                   3905: he has ever seen.  As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
                   3906: of the tiny man dressed in green.  The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
                   3907: if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
                   3908:        The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
                   3909: grant you three wishes."
                   3910:        "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
                   3911:        "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
                   3912: ladies, the thing not fittin' and all...  I'll grant you your three wishes
                   3913: if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come."  The man is a bit taken
                   3914: aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless.  After
                   3915: the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
                   3916:        The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
                   3917:        Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
                   3918:        "25."
                   3919:        "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
                   3920: %
                   3921: A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
                   3922: daughter.  When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
                   3923: a small girl she played with in the park.  The next day, the mother sought
                   3924: out the little girl as she played in the park.  "Are you the little girl
                   3925: who uses bad words?"
                   3926:        "Who told you?"
                   3927:        "A little bird," answered the mother.
                   3928:        "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl.  "And I've been
                   3929: feeding the little bastards, too!"
                   3930: %
                   3931: A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
                   3932: as to who was the best practical joker.  When she announced her marriage,
                   3933: like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
                   3934: be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best.  The brother who was a
                   3935: carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes.  The brother who
                   3936: worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour.  Finally,
                   3937: the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
                   3938: A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
                   3939: received a telegram from their sister.  It read:
                   3940:
                   3941:        I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it.  I was amused
                   3942:        when the shower went cold five minutes after it started.  But I'm
                   3943:        going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly...
                   3944: %
                   3945: A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
                   3946: %
                   3947: Aboard the good ship Venus,            The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
                   3948: The mast it was a penis,               A cunning little nipper,
                   3949:        Her figurehead                          They filled his ass,
                   3950:        A whore in bed,                         With broken glass,
                   3951: Good grief you should have seen us!    And circumcized the skipper.
                   3952:
                   3953: The first mate's name was Higgins,     The captain's daughter Mabel,
                   3954: And Higgins was a biggins,             They screwed when they were able,
                   3955:        Once round the deck,                    They nailed her tits,
                   3956:        Twice up the mast,                      Those nasty shits,
                   3957: And the rest was used for riggins'!    Right to the captain's table.
                   3958:
                   3959: The engineer's name was Carter,                The second mate's name was Andy,
                   3960: And Carter was a farter,               By God, he was a dandy,
                   3961:        When the wind wouldn't blow,            They broke his cock,
                   3962:        And the ship couldn't go,               With chunks of rock,
                   3963: Carter the farter would start her!     For conking in the brandy!
                   3964: %
                   3965: AC/DC is a rock band.
                   3966:                 -- Bisexuality, 101
                   3967: %
                   3968: Achilles' Biological Findings:
                   3969:        (1)  If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
                   3970:             If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
                   3971:        (2)  A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
                   3972:             -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.
                   3973: %
                   3974: Adam's Law:
                   3975:        (1)  Women don't know what they want;
                   3976:             they don't like what they have got.
                   3977:        (2)  Men know very well what they want;
                   3978:             having got it, they begin to lose interest.
                   3979: %
                   3980: Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
                   3981: and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
                   3982: %
                   3983: Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
                   3984: such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
                   3985: %
                   3986: ADULTERY:
                   3987:        Putting yourself in someone else's position.
                   3988: %
                   3989: Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
                   3990:                -- Mary Wells, advertising executive
                   3991: %
                   3992: After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
                   3993: are back at his place tearing their clothes off.  Things are really
                   3994: starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
                   3995: rummaging through a dresser drawer.
                   3996:        "What are you doing?" she asks.
                   3997:        "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
                   3998: %
                   3999: After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
                   4000: bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
                   4001: love to men?"
                   4002:        "That's MY business," she snapped.
                   4003:        "Ah," he said.  "A professional."
                   4004: %
                   4005: After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
                   4006: attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite.  They chatted
                   4007: for a while, and then kissed on the couch.  A little fondling, some feeling
                   4008: and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
                   4009: were in the wide, cool bed, naked together.  They chatted more, established
                   4010: a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying.  The
                   4011: girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
                   4012:        "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good.  Why, she could
                   4013: be my own daughter."  He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
                   4014:        "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
                   4015: like you doing in a hotel like this?"
                   4016:        "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
                   4017: %
                   4018: After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
                   4019: %
                   4020: After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
                   4021: in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically.  In desperation, Joan
                   4022: hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
                   4023: and Max's protestations.  Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
                   4024: to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
                   4025: become less physical.  Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
                   4026: needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill.  Finally,
                   4027: the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
                   4028: little for a marriage to work.  From now on, no matter how you feel at the
                   4029: time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually.  And,
                   4030: remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
                   4031: wife are a partnership of love."  Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
                   4032: counselor's offices.  On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
                   4033:        "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
                   4034: %
                   4035: After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
                   4036: bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
                   4037: his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
                   4038: on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
                   4039: you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
                   4040: %
                   4041: After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
                   4042: the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
                   4043: indignantly.  "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
                   4044:        "Splendid!" exclaimed her date.  "Now we can start making some
                   4045: progress."
                   4046: %
                   4047: After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
                   4048: embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
                   4049:        "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
                   4050:        "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
                   4051:        "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
                   4052:        "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
                   4053: drugstore for nearly ten years.  There is nothing you can tell us that will
                   4054: embarrass us.
                   4055:        "Well, all right," he said.  "I have this awful sexual hunger that
                   4056: nothing will appease.  No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
                   4057: make love again and again.  Is there anything you can give me for it?"
                   4058:        "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
                   4059: sister."
                   4060:        A few minutes later, she returned.  "The best we can do," she said,
                   4061: "is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
                   4062: %
                   4063: After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
                   4064: to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
                   4065:        "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
                   4066: to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
                   4067:        "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
                   4068: find one at three in the morning?"
                   4069: %
                   4070: After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
                   4071: brought tears to my eyes.  He said, "No hablo ingles."
                   4072:                -- Ronnie Shakes
                   4073: %
                   4074: After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
                   4075:                -- Joan Rivers
                   4076: %
                   4077: Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
                   4078: %
                   4079: AI hackers do it robotically.
                   4080: %
                   4081: AI hackers do it with robots.
                   4082: %
                   4083: Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
                   4084:                -- Bobcat Goldthwait
                   4085: %
                   4086: Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
                   4087:
                   4088: Q:     You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"?
                   4089: A:     Antler marks on their hips.
                   4090: %
                   4091: Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
                   4092: the third is routine.  After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
                   4093:                -- Raymond Chandler
                   4094: %
                   4095: Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
                   4096: %
                   4097: Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
                   4098: daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
                   4099:        "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
                   4100:        "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
                   4101:        "That's nonsense," said the father.  "Why do you say that?"
                   4102:        "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
                   4103: so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
                   4104: screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
                   4105: down."
                   4106: %
                   4107: "Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm".  Maybe this explains
                   4108: the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
                   4109: %
                   4110: alimony, n:
                   4111:        Having an ex you can bank on.
                   4112: %
                   4113: All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
                   4114: a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
                   4115: %
                   4116: All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
                   4117: them apart.
                   4118: %
                   4119: All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
                   4120: %
                   4121: All I want is a girl made of wood,
                   4122: With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
                   4123: She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
                   4124: Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
                   4125:                -- Pinocchio
                   4126: %
                   4127: All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
                   4128: penis or a vagina.
                   4129:                -- Florynce Kennedy
                   4130:
                   4131: There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
                   4132: or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
                   4133:                -- Gloria Steinem
                   4134: %
                   4135: All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
                   4136: injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
                   4137:                -- Mark Twain
                   4138: %
                   4139: All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
                   4140: And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
                   4141: And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
                   4142: And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
                   4143: Hello, operator, give me number nine,
                   4144: If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
                   4145: Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
                   4146: If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
                   4147: Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
                   4148: This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
                   4149: She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
                   4150: She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
                   4151: He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
                   4152: Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
                   4153:                -- Princess
                   4154: %
                   4155: All things dull and ugly,              Each little snake that poisons,
                   4156: All creatures short and squat,         Each little wasp that stings,
                   4157: All things rude and nasty,             He made their brutish venom,
                   4158: The Lord God made the lot;             He made their horrid wings.
                   4159:
                   4160: All things sick and cancerous,         Each nasty little hornet,
                   4161: All evil great and small,              Each beastly little squid.
                   4162: All things foul and dangerous,         Who made the spikey urchin?
                   4163: The Lord God made them all.            Who made the sharks? He did.
                   4164:
                   4165: All things scabbed and ulcerous,
                   4166: All pox both great and small.
                   4167: Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
                   4168: The Lord God made them all.
                   4169:                -- Monty Python
                   4170: %
                   4171: All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
                   4172: crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
                   4173: part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago
                   4174: there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
                   4175: important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
                   4176: president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody
                   4177: believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs
                   4178: the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
                   4179: a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You're not
                   4180: going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
                   4181: home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white
                   4182: collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
                   4183:                -- J. Feiffer
                   4184: %
                   4185: All work and no pay makes a housewife.
                   4186: %
                   4187: Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
                   4188: subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
                   4189: to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered samples of learning
                   4190: must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests.  It is the
                   4191: essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
                   4192: sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic of religion, from their point
                   4193: of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
                   4194: not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
                   4195: in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
                   4196: is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
                   4197: there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
                   4198: in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
                   4199: of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious" would be the last to be
                   4200: willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
                   4201: in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
                   4202: a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
                   4203: protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
                   4204:                -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
                   4205: %
                   4206: Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
                   4207: of Erin's natives.  He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
                   4208: appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English.  Due to his
                   4209: proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
                   4210: superiors were not infrequent.  He would blame anything evil or merely
                   4211: inconvenient on the English people.  If there was an act of terrorism, the
                   4212: responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits.  If there was a
                   4213: natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
                   4214: the fact, if not outrightly culpable.  Repeatedly, his superiors called him
                   4215: on the carpet for his behavior.  After a particularly vituperative
                   4216: anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
                   4217: to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars.  Summing
                   4218: up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
                   4219: week is Saint Patrick's Day.  If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
                   4220: your last sermon!"
                   4221:
                   4222: The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
                   4223: Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
                   4224: Christ and His disciples.  "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
                   4225: You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
                   4226: among them would betray Him.  As He looked around the table, He stopped at
                   4227: Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!'  He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
                   4228: and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!'  Then the Lord looked long
                   4229: and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
                   4230: main may!'"
                   4231: %
                   4232: Always talk to your wife while you're
                   4233: making love... if there's a phone handy.
                   4234: %
                   4235: ambition, n:
                   4236:        An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
                   4237: %
                   4238: America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
                   4239: with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
                   4240: anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
                   4241:                -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign
                   4242:                Trail"
                   4243: %
                   4244: America cannot be sold a can of beer without
                   4245: being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
                   4246:                -- Julius Lester
                   4247: %
                   4248: America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
                   4249:                -- Allen Ginsberg
                   4250: %
                   4251: American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
                   4252: is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it.  Consequently,
                   4253: any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
                   4254: in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners.  She is not required to know how
                   4255: to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
                   4256: husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
                   4257: help, she's bound to cause trouble.  Therefore, you'd think that colleges
                   4258: which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
                   4259: men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
                   4260: continent would teach the girls to read maps.  None do. They teach a hundred
                   4261: other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
                   4262: greatest friction.
                   4263:                -- James Michener, "Space"
                   4264: %
                   4265: America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
                   4266:                -- Lyndon B. Johnson
                   4267: %
                   4268: An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
                   4269: %
                   4270: An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
                   4271: the happiness of life.
                   4272:        "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
                   4273: dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
                   4274: Football," the American said.
                   4275:        "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
                   4276: a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
                   4277: romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower.  That is happiness of life."
                   4278:        "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
                   4279: two still don't understand life at all.  Imagine this.  You are sleeping
                   4280: soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
                   4281: door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking
                   4282: with fear, you rush out and open the door.  Right there, you see two secret
                   4283: policemen ready to handcuff you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
                   4284: Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are
                   4285: being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and
                   4286: shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
                   4287: lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
                   4288: %
                   4289: An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
                   4290: exclusive men's club.  Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
                   4291: only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation.  "Care
                   4292: for a cigar?" he asked.
                   4293:        "No, thank you," the Englishman replied.  "I tried smoking once and
                   4294: didn't like it."
                   4295:        "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
                   4296: businessman asked.
                   4297:        "No, thank you.  I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
                   4298:        "Well, how about a game of billiards?"
                   4299:        "Sorry.  I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
                   4300:        As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
                   4301: son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
                   4302:        "Your son?  An only child, I presume."
                   4303: %
                   4304: An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
                   4305: dies of a heart attack.  The husband decides to have her buried there as the
                   4306: visit to France was something they had longed for for many years.  All
                   4307: arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
                   4308: hat for the funeral.  The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
                   4309: "chapeau noir."  So off he goes to find a store open late.
                   4310:        First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
                   4311: ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
                   4312:        The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
                   4313: friend directions.  The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
                   4314: and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
                   4315: hero.  He speaks first:
                   4316:        "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
                   4317:        "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
                   4318: capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires.  Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
                   4319: capeau noir?"
                   4320:        "Ma femme est morte."
                   4321:        "O Monsieur!  Quelle beau sentiment!"
                   4322: %
                   4323: An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
                   4324: is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
                   4325: of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman.  He very politely asks her
                   4326: if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
                   4327: got a quick bite to eat.
                   4328:        "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies.  "Little
                   4329: Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
                   4330:        Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
                   4331: an open window and takes the seat.
                   4332:        An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
                   4333: American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
                   4334: you Americans.  You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
                   4335: street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
                   4336: %
                   4337: An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
                   4338: Saw sartorial changes ahead.
                   4339:        His mind kept on ringing
                   4340:        With fishy girls singing;
                   4341: Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
                   4342:                -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
                   4343: %
                   4344: An Army travels on her stomach.
                   4345: %
                   4346: An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
                   4347: logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have
                   4348: been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
                   4349:                -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
                   4350: %
                   4351: An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
                   4352: chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
                   4353: Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
                   4354: who has seen the Managing Director face on).
                   4355:                -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
                   4356: %
                   4357: And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
                   4358: upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
                   4359: criminal at the bar of justice.
                   4360:                -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
                   4361: %
                   4362: ...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
                   4363: the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time?  Oh, sure, everybody
                   4364: talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
                   4365: %
                   4366: And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
                   4367: he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap.  He peered avidly at
                   4368: me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose.  "Oh,
                   4369: the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
                   4370: suck her."  Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
                   4371: not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
                   4372: lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
                   4373: other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
                   4374: redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily.  But ask me for
                   4375: no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
                   4376: because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
                   4377: nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
                   4378: lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
                   4379: and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge.  All my clothes
                   4380: were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
                   4381: old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
                   4382: and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
                   4383: lewd in it at all.
                   4384:                -- Marquis de Sade
                   4385: %
                   4386: And let me the canakin clink, clink;
                   4387: and let me the canakin clink.
                   4388:        A soldier's a man;
                   4389:        O, man's life's but a span,
                   4390: Why then, let a soldier drink.
                   4391: %
                   4392: And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
                   4393: ... a brief pause, and then Bing!
                   4394: %
                   4395: And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
                   4396: as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
                   4397:        And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
                   4398: open.  "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
                   4399: %
                   4400: And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
                   4401: And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
                   4402:                --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
                   4403: %
                   4404: And so it goes.  It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
                   4405: victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
                   4406: freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
                   4407: off the end of his tail between wheel and rail.  The little dog yelped, and
                   4408: he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
                   4409: his little brown neck.  The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
                   4410: a piece of tail.
                   4411:                -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
                   4412: %
                   4413: And the northern lights commenced to glow.
                   4414: And she said, with a tear in her eye,
                   4415: "Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
                   4416:                -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
                   4417: %
                   4418: And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
                   4419: he was melting...
                   4420: %
                   4421: "And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
                   4422: upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
                   4423: companion.
                   4424:        "See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
                   4425: %
                   4426: Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
                   4427: photographs of their families every year.  In the same mail that brought the
                   4428: greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
                   4429: "My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed.  I don't know why women want to
                   4430: record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
                   4431: upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
                   4432: between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
                   4433: family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
                   4434: signs of dissolution or derangement.  Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
                   4435: than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
                   4436: of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
                   4437: drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
                   4438: Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
                   4439: "young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
                   4440: couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
                   4441: a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply.  "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
                   4442: "Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?"  "Not to me," the
                   4443: husband may reply.  "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
                   4444: being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
                   4445: singer."
                   4446:                -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
                   4447: %
                   4448: Another nun joke!!!
                   4449:        You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
                   4450: this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
                   4451: exposing his all to the sisters.  Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
                   4452: there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
                   4453: %
                   4454: Another stupid gay joke!!!
                   4455:        You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
                   4456: daquiri.  The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
                   4457: serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
                   4458: in and kick your ass?"
                   4459:        The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
                   4460: thurstay...."
                   4461:        Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
                   4462: on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
                   4463: as he's done.  A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
                   4464: bar.  He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
                   4465: lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
                   4466:        From the back of the bar comes the cry...  "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
                   4467: %
                   4468: anxiety, n:
                   4469:        The first time you can't do it a second time.
                   4470:
                   4471: panic, n:
                   4472:        The second time you can't do it the first time.
                   4473: %
                   4474: Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
                   4475: his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
                   4476: %
                   4477: Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
                   4478: %
                   4479: Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
                   4480: %
                   4481: APL hackers take all they want.
                   4482: %
                   4483: Apple owners do it with mice!
                   4484: %
                   4485: APPOINTMENT BOOK:
                   4486:        The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
                   4487:        invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
                   4488:        December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
                   4489:        it was you did during the past year.
                   4490: %
                   4491: Are there those in the land of the brave
                   4492: Who can tell me how I should behave
                   4493:        When I am disgraced
                   4494:        Because I erased
                   4495:        A file I intended to save?
                   4496: %
                   4497: ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
                   4498:        Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
                   4499:        who do.  You have warts.  Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
                   4500:        and venereal disease.  Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
                   4501:        natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
                   4502: %
                   4503: Arkansas:
                   4504:        Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
                   4505: %
                   4506: As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
                   4507: and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
                   4508: be childless.
                   4509:
                   4510: The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
                   4511: doubtless, a separation.
                   4512:                -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
                   4513: %
                   4514: As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
                   4515: sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out?  Even if it
                   4516: was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
                   4517: %
                   4518: As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
                   4519: %
                   4520: As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
                   4521: makes the ride fun."
                   4522: %
                   4523: As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
                   4524: than the average asshole on the street.
                   4525:                -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
                   4526: %
                   4527: As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
                   4528: within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
                   4529: sex."
                   4530:        One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
                   4531: know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria.  We do, however,
                   4532: have two alcoholics."
                   4533: %
                   4534: As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
                   4535: saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
                   4536: one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
                   4537: you're a veterinarian."
                   4538: %
                   4539: As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
                   4540: have to consider the possibility of a gay pope.  Possibly the largest
                   4541: issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
                   4542: simply marvelous."
                   4543: %
                   4544: As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
                   4545: VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
                   4546: offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
                   4547: Driver's Handbook:
                   4548:        If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
                   4549: choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
                   4550: heavens, do not panic.  If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
                   4551: soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
                   4552: end of the world.  If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
                   4553: this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
                   4554: not become a hazard to others.  Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
                   4555: automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals.  You may experience a
                   4556: feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving.  To
                   4557: ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
                   4558: as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
                   4559:        -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
                   4560:        -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
                   4561:        -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
                   4562: white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers,
                   4563: who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
                   4564:        Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings.  If still in
                   4565: your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
                   4566: you to a hospital at once.  If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
                   4567: the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
                   4568: %
                   4569: As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
                   4570: figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road.  The driver blew
                   4571: his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
                   4572: oblivious to his warnings.  The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
                   4573: inches from the pair.  "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them.  "You
                   4574: could have been killed!"
                   4575:        The man stood up and faced the driver.  "Well, I was coming, she was
                   4576: coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
                   4577: brakes."
                   4578: %
                   4579: As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
                   4580: %
                   4581: Ask your boss to reconsider --
                   4582: It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
                   4583: %
                   4584: Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
                   4585: woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
                   4586: she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
                   4587:                -- David Letterman
                   4588: %
                   4589: ASS:
                   4590:        The masculine of "lass".
                   4591: %
                   4592: Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
                   4593: %
                   4594: Assassins do it from behind.
                   4595: %
                   4596: At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
                   4597: it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.  She agrees and bends over
                   4598: the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
                   4599: NOT my rectum!"
                   4600:        "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
                   4601:        Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
                   4602: room.  "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
                   4603:        "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
                   4604:        "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
                   4605: off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
                   4606: numbers on it!"
                   4607: %
                   4608: At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
                   4609: The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists.  First things first: it went
                   4610: to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
                   4611:
                   4612: "IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
                   4613:        theologians.
                   4614: "YES," replied the computer.  "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
                   4615:        SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
                   4616: %
                   4617: At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
                   4618: decent men in public life.
                   4619:                -- Renata Adler
                   4620: %
                   4621: Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
                   4622: %
                   4623: Australia's a lovely land
                   4624: It's full of bonza blokes,
                   4625: Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
                   4626: Except in Pommie jokes.
                   4627:
                   4628: Australians are lovely chaps
                   4629: They're God's own chosen race.
                   4630: If they ever see a fairy Pom
                   4631: They'll smash him in the face.
                   4632:
                   4633: Australians like dressing up
                   4634: In skirts and having fun
                   4635: And that's all we were doing
                   4636: When the Vice Squad came along.
                   4637:                -- Monty Python
                   4638: %
                   4639: A-Z affectionately,
                   4640: 1 to 10 alphabetically,
                   4641: from here to eternity without in betweens,
                   4642: still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
                   4643: sales talk from sales assistants
                   4644:        when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
                   4645: no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
                   4646: love's on arrival,
                   4647: she comes when she comes,
                   4648: right on the target but wide of the mark...
                   4649: %
                   4650: B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
                   4651: %
                   4652: Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
                   4653:                -- Nicolas Chamfort
                   4654: %
                   4655: Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
                   4656: popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day:  a true red-
                   4657: blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
                   4658: back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-slicker
                   4659: kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
                   4660: give you $10 for a blow job."
                   4661:        The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
                   4662: killed the city-slicker on the spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank
                   4663: you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
                   4664:        Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
                   4665: No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
                   4666: %
                   4667: Balls Law:
                   4668:        The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
                   4669:        of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
                   4670: %
                   4671: BALTIMORE:
                   4672:        Where the women wear turtleneck
                   4673:        sweators to hide their flea collars.
                   4674: %
                   4675: Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
                   4676: %
                   4677: Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
                   4678: Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
                   4679: Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
                   4680: Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
                   4681:                -- Tom Lehrer
                   4682: %
                   4683: BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
                   4684: %
                   4685: Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
                   4686: %
                   4687: Beauty, n:
                   4688:        The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
                   4689:                -- Ambrose Bierce
                   4690: %
                   4691: Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
                   4692: %
                   4693: Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
                   4694: repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
                   4695: more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
                   4696: get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
                   4697: bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
                   4698: love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
                   4699: too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
                   4700: care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
                   4701: aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
                   4702: if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
                   4703: unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
                   4704: men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
                   4705: made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
                   4706: we are part of the women's liberation movement.
                   4707: %
                   4708: Bedfellows make strange politicians.
                   4709: %
                   4710: beef stroganoff, n:
                   4711:        A bull masturbating.
                   4712: %
                   4713: "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
                   4714: confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
                   4715:        "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
                   4716: replied.
                   4717:        "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
                   4718: %
                   4719: Beifeld's Principle:
                   4720:        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
                   4721:        young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
                   4722:        is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
                   4723:        better-looking and richer male friend.
                   4724:                -- R. Beifeld
                   4725: %
                   4726: Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
                   4727: To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
                   4728:                -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
                   4729: %
                   4730: Bend over and take it like a man!
                   4731: %
                   4732: Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
                   4733: For her life held no terrors.
                   4734: A virgin born, a virgin died:
                   4735: No hits, no runs, no errors.
                   4736: %
                   4737: Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
                   4738: They buried him today,
                   4739: He lived the life of Riley,
                   4740: While Riley was away.
                   4741: %
                   4742: Benny Hill:    Would you like a peanut?
                   4743: Girl:          No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
                   4744: Benny Hill:    You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
                   4745:                It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
                   4746: %
                   4747: Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
                   4748: %
                   4749: BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
                   4750:        The single girl's motto.
                   4751: %
                   4752: Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
                   4753:                -- Mae West
                   4754: %
                   4755: Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
                   4756: %
                   4757: Bi now, gay later!
                   4758: %
                   4759: Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
                   4760: generally is a magnificent erotic instrument.  The famous gentleman in erotic
                   4761: prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
                   4762: and both big toes.  Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
                   4763: you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits.  Make sure the nail
                   4764: isn't sharp.  In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
                   4765: remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
                   4766: with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
                   4767: A party trick which really rates as advanced sex.  She has less scope, but
                   4768: can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes.  The toes are definitely
                   4769: erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
                   4770: results.
                   4771:                -- The Joy of Sex
                   4772:                [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
                   4773: %
                   4774: Bill and Jim were walking home from work.  As they walked along, they
                   4775: discussed their wives' spending habits.  "I don't understand how women
                   4776: can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed.  "I mean, understand, she
                   4777: don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
                   4778: %
                   4779: Birth, copulation and death.
                   4780: That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
                   4781: Birth, copulation and death.
                   4782:                -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
                   4783: %
                   4784: Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
                   4785:                -- Woody Allen
                   4786: %
                   4787: Bitch, bitch, bitch --
                   4788: That's all I ever hear,
                   4789: Ever since the dog ate the baby,
                   4790: "Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
                   4791: %
                   4792: Blow it out your ass!
                   4793: %
                   4794: Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
                   4795: sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has it that St.
                   4796: Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was arrested for drunk
                   4797: driving.  The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
                   4798: %
                   4799: BOHICA:
                   4800:        Bend over, here it comes again.
                   4801: %
                   4802: Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
                   4803: your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm.  It's
                   4804: one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
                   4805: but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
                   4806: feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
                   4807: something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
                   4808: because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
                   4809: mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
                   4810: self to try it.
                   4811:                -- The Joy of Sex
                   4812: %
                   4813: Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
                   4814: Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
                   4815: %
                   4816: Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
                   4817: %
                   4818: Breakfast sometime?
                   4819:        Sure.
                   4820: Shall I call you or just nudge you?
                   4821: %
                   4822: Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
                   4823: Held venal traffic with a gnu.
                   4824: Mistaking fore for aft one morn
                   4825: Impaled herself upon its horn.
                   4826:
                   4827: Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun
                   4828:        our furred and feathered friends.
                   4829: %
                   4830: Brigands will demand your money or
                   4831: your life, but a woman will demand both.
                   4832:                -- Samuel Butler
                   4833: %
                   4834: Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
                   4835: %
                   4836: Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
                   4837: [reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
                   4838:                -- NY Times
                   4839: %
                   4840: Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
                   4841: week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
                   4842: students.  A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
                   4843: with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
                   4844: the small Gideon bibles.  The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
                   4845: to provide up to 2,000 PSIG.  Prelimary estimates during field testing
                   4846: revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
                   4847: the tube.  Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
                   4848: campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
                   4849: Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
                   4850: addition to the usual humiliation.
                   4851: %
                   4852: brunette bush, n:
                   4853:        The dark side of the moon.
                   4854: %
                   4855: bug, n:
                   4856:        A son of a glitch.
                   4857: %
                   4858: Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
                   4859: Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
                   4860: The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
                   4861: cheese, except mice.  But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
                   4862: tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
                   4863:                -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
                   4864: %
                   4865: "But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
                   4866:                -- Anonymous med school student.
                   4867: %
                   4868: But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
                   4869: Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
                   4870:                -- S.I. Hayakawa
                   4871: %
                   4872: But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
                   4873:                -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
                   4874: %
                   4875: Buy old masters.  They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
                   4876:                -- Lord Beaverbrook
                   4877: %
                   4878: By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
                   4879: get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
                   4880:                -- Socrates
                   4881: %
                   4882: CAD:
                   4883:        A man who doesn't tell his wife
                   4884:        that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
                   4885: %
                   4886: CALIFORNIA:
                   4887:        From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
                   4888:        Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
                   4889:        "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
                   4890:                -- Ed Moran, Covina, California
                   4891: %
                   4892: Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
                   4893: %
                   4894: callgirl, n:
                   4895:        A negotiable blond.
                   4896: %
                   4897: Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
                   4898:                -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
                   4899: %
                   4900: Camille's Axiom:
                   4901:        If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
                   4902:        I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
                   4903: %
                   4904: Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
                   4905:                -- From the movie "Outrageous"
                   4906: %
                   4907: CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
                   4908:        You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
                   4909:        They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.
                   4910:        That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
                   4911:        recipients are Cancer people.
                   4912: %
                   4913: Candy
                   4914: Is dandy
                   4915: But liquor
                   4916: Is quicker.
                   4917:                -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
                   4918:
                   4919: Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
                   4920:        Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
                   4921:        and sex won't rot your teeth.
                   4922: %
                   4923: Captain Hook died of jock itch.
                   4924: %
                   4925: "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
                   4926: the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
                   4927: client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
                   4928: a hole in the ground."
                   4929: %
                   4930: Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years.  Now when
                   4931: Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
                   4932:                -- Bill Marr
                   4933: %
                   4934: Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin,          This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
                   4935: Qui fit un petit mannequin:            Who fashioned a small doll:
                   4936:        Sans bras et tout noir,                 Without arms and all black,
                   4937:        Il etait affreux voir;                  It was horrible sight;
                   4938: En effet, absolument la fin.           In effect, the absolute end.
                   4939:                -- Edward Gorey
                   4940: %
                   4941: Chaste makes waste.
                   4942: %
                   4943: Chastity:
                   4944:        The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
                   4945:                -- Aldous Huxley
                   4946: %
                   4947: CHASTITY BELT:
                   4948:        An anti-trust suit.
                   4949:
                   4950:        (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
                   4951: %
                   4952: Chastity is its own punishment.
                   4953: %
                   4954: Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
                   4955: bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block.
                   4956: I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
                   4957: It was dark and empty, which suited my mood.  A fat, stubble-bearded,
                   4958: middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
                   4959: beer.  He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
                   4960: to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown.  After a silence, I said, "Been to
                   4961: a wedding?"
                   4962:        He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
                   4963: yeah."
                   4964:        He silently finished his drink and left.  The bartender said, "You
                   4965: know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
                   4966: %
                   4967: Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
                   4968: Jack Frost ripping up your nose
                   4969: Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
                   4970: And folks dressed up like buffaloes
                   4971: Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
                   4972: Helps to make the season right
                   4973: Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
                   4974: Will find it hard to see tonight
                   4975: They know that Santa's on his way
                   4976: He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
                   4977: And every mother's child is sure to spy
                   4978: To see if reindeer really scream when they die
                   4979: And so I'm offering this simple phrase
                   4980: To kids from one to ninety two
                   4981: Although it's been said many times, many ways
                   4982: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
                   4983: %
                   4984: Chorus:
                   4985:        I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
                   4986:        I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
                   4987:        And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
                   4988:        I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
                   4989:        I don't want me pecker blown away,
                   4990:        I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
                   4991:        And fornicate me bloody life away!!
                   4992:
                   4993: Monday I touched her on the ankle,
                   4994: Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
                   4995: And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
                   4996: And Thursday I saw you know what,
                   4997: Friday I put me 'and upon it,
                   4998: Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
                   4999: And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
                   5000: And now she pays me forty quid a week!
                   5001: Oh, blimey...
                   5002:
                   5003: [chorus]
                   5004: %
                   5005: CHRIST:
                   5006:        A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
                   5007: %
                   5008: Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
                   5009: committing them?
                   5010:                -- Jules Feiffer
                   5011: %
                   5012: CHRISTIAN:
                   5013:        One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
                   5014:        book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
                   5015:                -- Ambrose Bierce
                   5016: %
                   5017: CHRISTIAN:
                   5018:        One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
                   5019:        as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
                   5020: %
                   5021: Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really.  Growing up in
                   5022: a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
                   5023: In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
                   5024: %
                   5025: CHRISTMAS:
                   5026:        A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
                   5027:        salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
                   5028:        response time of the entire year.
                   5029: %
                   5030: CHRISTMAS:
                   5031:        A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
                   5032:        deeply and sincerely believe in.  Money.  At the mall of our
                   5033:        choice.
                   5034: %
                   5035: Christmas comes but once a year,
                   5036: A time for love and laughter;
                   5037: You can come much more than that,
                   5038: But you have to clean up after.
                   5039: %
                   5040: Cinderella 10:
                   5041:        A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
                   5042:        then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
                   5043: %
                   5044: Clark Kent is a transvestite.
                   5045: %
                   5046: Clarke's Third Law:
                   5047:        Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
                   5048:        magic.
                   5049:
                   5050: G's Third Law:
                   5051:        In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
                   5052:        is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
                   5053:
                   5054: H's Dictum:
                   5055:        There is no magic ...
                   5056: %
                   5057: Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
                   5058: and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
                   5059:                -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
                   5060: %
                   5061: Cleveland still lives.  God MUST be dead.
                   5062: %
                   5063: clitoris, n:
                   5064:        A haired trigger.
                   5065: %
                   5066: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
                   5067:
                   5068: Oh, give me a clone
                   5069: Of my own flesh and bone
                   5070:        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
                   5071: And when she is grown,
                   5072: My very own clone,
                   5073:        We'll be of the opposite sex.
                   5074: Chorus:
                   5075:        Clone, clone of my own,
                   5076:        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
                   5077:        And when we're alone,
                   5078:        Since her mind is my own,
                   5079:        She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
                   5080:                -- Randall Garrett
                   5081: %
                   5082: Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
                   5083: %
                   5084: COCAINE:
                   5085:        The thinking man's Dristan.
                   5086: %
                   5087: Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
                   5088: %
                   5089: Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
                   5090: %
                   5091: Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know -- I've been using it for years.
                   5092:                -- Tallulah Bankhead
                   5093: %
                   5094: Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
                   5095: %
                   5096: Cocaine's a joke!
                   5097:        (Who's got the next line?)
                   5098: %
                   5099: cock-sucker, n:
                   5100:        Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
                   5101: %
                   5102: Coffee without caffeine.  Beer without alcohol.  Milk without fat.
                   5103: What's next?  Bridal suites with bunk beds?
                   5104:                -- Orben's Current Comedy
                   5105: %
                   5106: Coito ergo sum
                   5107: %
                   5108: coitus interruptus, n:
                   5109:        A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
                   5110:        "I want to have your child."
                   5111: %
                   5112: Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together.  Live as
                   5113: ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
                   5114: endure marriage.  But she?
                   5115:                -- Franz Kafka
                   5116: %
                   5117: Coitus upon a cadaver
                   5118: Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
                   5119:        Her inanimate state
                   5120:        Means a man needn't wait,
                   5121: And eliminates all the palaver.
                   5122: %
                   5123: COLD:
                   5124:        When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
                   5125: %
                   5126: cold, adj:
                   5127:        When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
                   5128: %
                   5129: College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
                   5130: and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
                   5131: %
                   5132: Come along and sing a song and join our family.
                   5133: B & D
                   5134: S & M
                   5135: Post to A.S.B.!
                   5136: Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
                   5137: B & D
                   5138: S & M
                   5139: Post to A.S.B.!
                   5140: A.S.B.!
                   5141:        (A.S.B.!)
                   5142: A.S.B.!
                   5143:        (A.S.B.!)
                   5144: Come on now, let's try another tie!
                   5145:        (Tie! Tie! Tie!)
                   5146: All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
                   5147: B & D
                   5148: S & M
                   5149: Post on A.S.B.!
                   5150:                -- To the Mickey Mouse March
                   5151: %
                   5152: Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
                   5153: Catholic girls start much too late,
                   5154: Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
                   5155: I might as well be the one.
                   5156: Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
                   5157: Built you a temple and locked you away,
                   5158: Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
                   5159: The things that you might have done.
                   5160: So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
                   5161: Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
                   5162: That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
                   5163: Never lets in the sun.
                   5164: Darling, only the good die young!
                   5165:                -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
                   5166: %
                   5167: Come up and see me sometime.  Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
                   5168:                -- Mae West
                   5169: %
                   5170: COMMENT:
                   5171:        A superfluous element of a source program included so the
                   5172:        programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
                   5173:        six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according
                   5174:        to those who think they aren't.
                   5175: %
                   5176: Communists do it without class.
                   5177: %
                   5178: Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
                   5179: %
                   5180: computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
                   5181:        Hot Apple pie.
                   5182: %
                   5183: Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
                   5184:
                   5185:        [Taking a shower in raincoat?  Ed.]
                   5186: %
                   5187: Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams.
                   5188:                -- Robin Williams
                   5189: %
                   5190: Confucious say:
                   5191:        man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
                   5192:        man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
                   5193:        man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
                   5194:        modern house without toilet uncanny.
                   5195:        man with athletic finger make broad jump
                   5196:        woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
                   5197:                they shoot.
                   5198:        man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
                   5199:        woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
                   5200:        child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
                   5201:                turn out to be shiftless bastard.
                   5202:        a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
                   5203:        man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
                   5204: %
                   5205: Confucious say:
                   5206:        man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
                   5207:        man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
                   5208:        man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
                   5209:        boy who play with himself pulls boner.
                   5210:        woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
                   5211:        man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
                   5212:        man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
                   5213:        man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
                   5214:        man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
                   5215:                get exhausted.
                   5216: %
                   5217: Confucious say:
                   5218:        woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
                   5219:        woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
                   5220:                next spring.
                   5221:        man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
                   5222:        passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
                   5223:        man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
                   5224:        man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
                   5225:        woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
                   5226:        woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
                   5227:        Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
                   5228:        squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
                   5229:        eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
                   5230:        seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
                   5231: %
                   5232: Confucious say:
                   5233:        woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
                   5234:        fool man climb tree to get cherries;  wise man spread limbs.
                   5235:        woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
                   5236:        man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
                   5237:        man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
                   5238:        man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
                   5239:        man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
                   5240:        man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
                   5241:        man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
                   5242:        man who streak unsuited for work.
                   5243:        woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
                   5244:        man who beat off in car have hot rod.
                   5245: %
                   5246: CONFUSION:
                   5247:        One woman plus one left turn.
                   5248: EXCITEMENT:
                   5249:        Two women plus one secret.
                   5250: BEDLAM:
                   5251:        Three women plus one bargain.
                   5252: CHAOS:
                   5253:        Four women plus one luncheon check.
                   5254: %
                   5255: confusion, n:
                   5256:        Father's Day in San Francisco.
                   5257: %
                   5258: CONSULTANT:
                   5259:        Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
                   5260: %
                   5261: continental breakfast, n:
                   5262:        A roll in bed with some honey.
                   5263: %
                   5264: Coors, n:
                   5265:        Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
                   5266: %
                   5267: Copa-ulation:
                   5268: (to the tune of Copacabana)
                   5269:
                   5270: Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
                   5271: She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
                   5272: And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
                   5273: And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
                   5274: His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
                   5275: Won't you order one?
                   5276:
                   5277: At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
                   5278:
                   5279: Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
                   5280: But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
                   5281: Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
                   5282: She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
                   5283: But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
                   5284: But a real good time ...
                   5285: %
                   5286: Couples in motion have moments.
                   5287: %
                   5288: courage, n:
                   5289:        Two cannibals having oral sex.
                   5290: %
                   5291: Cover your stump before you hump.
                   5292: Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
                   5293: Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
                   5294: Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
                   5295: If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
                   5296:                -- National Condom Week
                   5297: %
                   5298: Cox's philosophy:
                   5299:        Life's a bitch, then you die.
                   5300: %
                   5301: coyote love, n:
                   5302:        Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
                   5303:        the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
                   5304:        bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
                   5305:        on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
                   5306:        chew off your arm at the shoulder.
                   5307:
                   5308: coyote ugly, adj:
                   5309:        When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
                   5310:        a one-armed man!
                   5311: %
                   5312: coyote love, n:
                   5313:        Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
                   5314:        the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
                   5315:        bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
                   5316:        on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
                   5317:        chew off your arm at the shoulder.
                   5318:
                   5319: coyote ugly, adj:
                   5320:        When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
                   5321:        a one-armed man!
                   5322:
                   5323: See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
                   5324: as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
                   5325: %
                   5326: "Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
                   5327: and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
                   5328: because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
                   5329: more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
                   5330: entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
                   5331: honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
                   5332: to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
                   5333: general understanding of science as an enterprise?
                   5334:                -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
                   5335: %
                   5336: crew, n:
                   5337:        Eight big men and their cute little cox.
                   5338: %
                   5339: Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
                   5340: I know - you don't have to say that!
                   5341:        All you guys want of me
                   5342:        Is a poke where I pee,
                   5343: And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
                   5344: %
                   5345: Crinklaw's Observation:
                   5346:        Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
                   5347:        marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
                   5348: %
                   5349: Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
                   5350: Homo qui aedificabat.
                   5351:        Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.
                   5352:        Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.
                   5353: Sed virginem pine necebat.
                   5354: %
                   5355: Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
                   5356: %
                   5357: Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
                   5358: %
                   5359: Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
                   5360: "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
                   5361:        "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
                   5362: captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
                   5363: %
                   5364: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
                   5365: Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
                   5366: I really must beg your pardon,
                   5367: But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
                   5368: From beating my meat, against the seat,
                   5369: Of a bicycle built for two.
                   5370:                -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
                   5371: %
                   5372: Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
                   5373: %
                   5374: Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
                   5375: Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
                   5376:        She went down on the gents,
                   5377:        And pronged the girl's vents
                   5378: With a clitoris reaching six inches.
                   5379: %
                   5380: Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
                   5381:                -- Raymond Chandler
                   5382: %
                   5383: Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
                   5384: FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
                   5385: %
                   5386: Damned if I know.  And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
                   5387: from Avis again.
                   5388:                -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
                   5389:                axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
                   5390:                rented car.
                   5391:
                   5392: If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem.  Don't lay it on
                   5393: me.  The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
                   5394:                -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
                   5395:                arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
                   5396:
                   5397:        At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
                   5398: stand-up guy.
                   5399:        Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
                   5400: He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
                   5401: path.  Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
                   5402: sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
                   5403:        Then the judge turned to Sperling.  "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
                   5404: you wish to say?"
                   5405:        "Yes, Your Honor.  If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
                   5406: got another think coming.  You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
                   5407: you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
                   5408:                -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
                   5409: %
                   5410: Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
                   5411: %
                   5412: Dave has an areoplane,
                   5413: In which he likes to frisk.
                   5414: Oh what a foolish boy,
                   5415: His silly *.
                   5416: %
                   5417: David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
                   5418: %
                   5419: De Hispanice puella verumque
                   5420: Simplex oris verborumque
                   5421:        Tulit potens vagina
                   5422:        Hominum agmina
                   5423: Iterum iterum iterumque.
                   5424: %
                   5425: Dear Abby:
                   5426:        I have two brothers.  One was sent to the electric chair when I was
                   5427: a child.  My mother died in an insane asylum.  My father is a pimp and my
                   5428: sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute.  My other brother
                   5429: is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
                   5430:        Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
                   5431: for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag.  We're very
                   5432: much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
                   5433:        My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
                   5434:
                   5435:                Sincerely,
                   5436:                Undecided.
                   5437: %
                   5438: Dear Abby:
                   5439:        I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.  I
                   5440: think she's the one for me.  There's just one problem: I can't remember
                   5441: from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD.  What should I do?
                   5442:                        --Confused
                   5443:
                   5444: Dear Confused:
                   5445:        If she coughs, fuck her.
                   5446: %
                   5447: Dear Ann Landers:
                   5448:        I have a problem.  I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
                   5449: Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
                   5450: in the electric chair for murder.  My mother died from insanity when
                   5451: I was three years old.  My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
                   5452: sells narcotics.
                   5453:        I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
                   5454: she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.  I love
                   5455: this girl and want to marry her.  My problem is this -- dare I tell her
                   5456: about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
                   5457:                -- Confused.
                   5458: %
                   5459: Dear Ann Landers:
                   5460:        My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday.  He claims
                   5461: one minister said there are 350 different sins.  My husband wants to
                   5462: know if you can get the list.  He thinks he is missing something.
                   5463:                -- E.J. Mayfield
                   5464: %
                   5465: Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
                   5466: This visage meek and humble,
                   5467: And hear this confidential plea
                   5468: Voiced in reverent mumble:
                   5469:        Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
                   5470:        But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
                   5471:                -- Ansel Adams
                   5472: %
                   5473: Dear Miss Manners:
                   5474: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
                   5475:
                   5476: Gentle Reader:
                   5477: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
                   5478: If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
                   5479: discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
                   5480: and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
                   5481: along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route.  If,
                   5482: however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
                   5483: intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
                   5484: pink tongue.
                   5485: %
                   5486: Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
                   5487: telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
                   5488:        "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
                   5489: %
                   5490: Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
                   5491: housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
                   5492: The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
                   5493: were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way.  "They'll make
                   5494: him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
                   5495: put one in whatever he's drinking."
                   5496:        Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
                   5497: and dashed off to the supermarket.  It didn't take long before the cat jumped
                   5498: up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
                   5499: dog.  And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
                   5500: they were aspirin.
                   5501:        When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
                   5502: the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
                   5503: of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
                   5504: "What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
                   5505:        "See that mosquito?" he replied.
                   5506: %
                   5507: Dial 911.  Make a cop come.
                   5508: %
                   5509: diaphragm, n:
                   5510:        A childproof cap.
                   5511: %
                   5512: dicker, v:
                   5513:        What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
                   5514: %
                   5515: Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
                   5516:                -- Ed Sanders
                   5517: %
                   5518: Did you hear about...
                   5519:        the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
                   5520: %
                   5521: Did you hear about...
                   5522:        the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
                   5523: %
                   5524: Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
                   5525: her age?  She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
                   5526: ask it again.  He then asked her her weight.  She, once again, told him that
                   5527: she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.  The next
                   5528: question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.  Once again, she told
                   5529: him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question
                   5530: again.
                   5531:        Some time later, she found him looking through her purse.  Sharply
                   5532: asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he
                   5533: had found the answers to all of his questions!
                   5534:        "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh
                   5535: 125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!"
                   5536: %
                   5537: Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
                   5538: %
                   5539: Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
                   5540: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
                   5541: %
                   5542: Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
                   5543: He was blown down the street by a rocket.
                   5544:        The force of the blast
                   5545:        Blew his balls up his ass,
                   5546: And his pecker was found in his pocket.
                   5547: %
                   5548: Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
                   5549: Found the body.
                   5550: %
                   5551: Did you know that some people your age have sex
                   5552: thirty-seven times in a week?  And die immediately after?
                   5553: %
                   5554: Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
                   5555: %
                   5556: Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
                   5557: %
                   5558: Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
                   5559: room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach.  Wild!
                   5560:                -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
                   5561: %
                   5562: Disclaimer of the Week:
                   5563:        Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
                   5564: %
                   5565: Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
                   5566: As human gods aim for their mark,
                   5567: Make everything from toy guns that spark
                   5568: To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
                   5569: It's easy to see without looking too far
                   5570: That not much is really sacred.
                   5571: %
                   5572: Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
                   5573: %
                   5574: DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!
                   5575: UP PERISCOPE!!!
                   5576:
                   5577: (Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
                   5578: %
                   5579: divorce, n:
                   5580:        A change of wife.
                   5581: %
                   5582: Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
                   5583: %
                   5584: Do married women make the best wives?
                   5585: %
                   5586: Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
                   5587: step.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
                   5588:                -- DeGourmont
                   5589: %
                   5590: Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
                   5591: For though the world stood up
                   5592: And stopped the bastard,
                   5593: The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
                   5594:                -- Bertolt Brecht
                   5595: %
                   5596: Do something big -- fuck a giant.
                   5597: %
                   5598: "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
                   5599: "Who else?" answered the patient.
                   5600: %
                   5601: Do you smoke after sex?
                   5602: Why, do you know, I've never looked!
                   5603: %
                   5604: Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
                   5605: %
                   5606: Documentation is like sex:  when it is good, it is very,
                   5607: very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
                   5608:                -- Dick Brandon
                   5609: %
                   5610: Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit?  Who needs him?
                   5611:                -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
                   5612: %
                   5613: Does it rape elephants?
                   5614:                -- Brent Byer
                   5615: %
                   5616: Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
                   5617: It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
                   5618: %
                   5619: Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
                   5620: are strange as hell.
                   5621:                -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
                   5622: %
                   5623: Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
                   5624: Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
                   5625:        Just sit in the sand
                   5626:        And do it by hand,
                   5627: And buy bonds with the money you save.
                   5628: %
                   5629: Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
                   5630: %
                   5631: Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals.  Don't get the
                   5632: idea that I'm knocking the American system.
                   5633:                -- Al Capone
                   5634: %
                   5635: Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
                   5636:                -- Woody Allen
                   5637: %
                   5638: Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
                   5639:                -- Woody Allen
                   5640: %
                   5641: Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
                   5642:                -- Bo Diddley
                   5643: %
                   5644: Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
                   5645: %
                   5646: Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
                   5647: %
                   5648: Dope will get you through times of no money
                   5649: better than money will get you through times of no dope!
                   5650:                -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
                   5651: %
                   5652: Down by the old model T,
                   5653: Where she first showed it to me.
                   5654:        It was furry and black,
                   5655:        And she called it a crack,
                   5656: But it looked like a manhole to me.
                   5657: %
                   5658: Draft beer, not boys!
                   5659: %
                   5660: Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
                   5661: but you're dressed.  It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
                   5662: exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
                   5663:                -- Grace Slick
                   5664: %
                   5665: Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
                   5666: %
                   5667: Dull women have immaculate homes.
                   5668: %
                   5669: DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
                   5670: Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
                   5671:        And by planned obsolescence,
                   5672:        So controlled detumescence,
                   5673: A poor man could not get a smell.
                   5674: %
                   5675: During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
                   5676: Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
                   5677: Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people.  "I
                   5678: read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
                   5679: that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
                   5680: said as he stood on the gallows.  It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
                   5681: well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
                   5682: the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
                   5683: misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
                   5684: say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
                   5685: nuts.'"
                   5686:                -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
                   5687: %
                   5688: dyke, n:
                   5689:        A woman who kick-starts her vibrator.  And rolls her own
                   5690:        tampons.
                   5691: %
                   5692: Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
                   5693: %
                   5694: Dyslexics have more fnu.
                   5695: %
                   5696: DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
                   5697: %
                   5698: Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
                   5699: %
                   5700: Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
                   5701: %
                   5702: Eat shit and die a virgin!
                   5703: %
                   5704: Economists are still trying to figure out why the
                   5705: girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
                   5706: %
                   5707: EE's do it without shorts.
                   5708: %
                   5709: Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
                   5710:                -- Chinese Proverb
                   5711: %
                   5712: Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
                   5713:                -- Jackie Mason
                   5714: %
                   5715: Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
                   5716:        1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night,
                   5717:                and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
                   5718:        2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
                   5719:        3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber
                   5720:                ...is married
                   5721:                ...is on penicillin
                   5722:                ...likes you -- but loves your brother!
                   5723:        4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
                   5724:        5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
                   5725:        6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
                   5726:        7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
                   5727:        8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
                   5728:        9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
                   5729:        10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
                   5730:        11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
                   5731: %
                   5732: embarrassment, n:
                   5733:        Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
                   5734: %
                   5735: Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
                   5736: professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast
                   5737: as a male schlemiel.
                   5738:                -- Ewald Nyquist
                   5739: %
                   5740: Erogenous zone, n:
                   5741:        The skin you touch to love.
                   5742: %
                   5743: Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
                   5744: Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
                   5745:        Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
                   5746:        Ich hore Mann kommen."
                   5747: "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
                   5748: %
                   5749: eternity, n:
                   5750:        The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
                   5751: %
                   5752: Ethnologists up with the Sioux
                   5753: Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
                   5754:        The answer next day,
                   5755:        Said, "Girls on the way,
                   5756: But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
                   5757: %
                   5758: Evangelists do it with Him watching.
                   5759: %
                   5760: Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
                   5761: %
                   5762: Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
                   5763: (Tell mate you have to work late.)
                   5764: %
                   5765: Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
                   5766: wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
                   5767:                -- George Carlin
                   5768: %
                   5769: Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
                   5770: Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
                   5771: %
                   5772: Every harlot was a virgin once.
                   5773:                -- William Blake
                   5774: %
                   5775: Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
                   5776: closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
                   5777: like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
                   5778: and at least a pint of ether.
                   5779:                -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
                   5780: %
                   5781: Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
                   5782: closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
                   5783: drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
                   5784:                -- Hunter S. Thompson
                   5785: %
                   5786: Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
                   5787: closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
                   5788: then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
                   5789:                -- Hunter S. Thompson
                   5790: %
                   5791: Everyone:      "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
                   5792:                Amen!"
                   5793: Bruce:         "Another two!  (Bottles opening.)  Any questions?"
                   5794: Bruce:         "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
                   5795: Bruce:         "Are you a Poofter?"
                   5796: New-Bruce:     "No!"
                   5797: Bruce:         "No.  Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
                   5798:        Rule One!"
                   5799: Everyone:      "NO POOFTERS!"
                   5800: Bruce:         "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
                   5801:        in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.  Rule Three?"
                   5802: Everyone:      "NO POOFTERS!"
                   5803: Bruce:         "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
                   5804:        drinking.  Rule Five..."
                   5805: Everyone:      "NO POOFTERS!"
                   5806: Bruce:         "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six.  Rule Seven..."
                   5807: Everyone:      "NO POOFTERS!"
                   5808: Bruce:         "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.  This
                   5809:        here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
                   5810:        bottle, you can hold it in your hand.  Amen!
                   5811:                -- Monty Python
                   5812: %
                   5813: Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
                   5814: Except for women.
                   5815: %
                   5816: Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
                   5817: Theater tonight.  Meet in the lobby at 8:30.  The films are "Blue Jennifer"
                   5818: and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
                   5819: %
                   5820: Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans
                   5821: are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
                   5822:        Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
                   5823: cats.
                   5824:        You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
                   5825:        They're neat.
                   5826:        They don't have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something
                   5827: about it.
                   5828:        They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
                   5829:        They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
                   5830:        What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible.
                   5831: It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
                   5832: do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
                   5833: %
                   5834: Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
                   5835:                -- Ellyn Mustard
                   5836: %
                   5837: exotic dancer, n:
                   5838:        A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
                   5839: %
                   5840: Exuberant Sue from Anjou
                   5841: Found that fucking affected her hue.
                   5842:        She presented to sight
                   5843:        Nipples pink, bottom white;
                   5844: But her asshole was purple and blue.
                   5845: %
                   5846: falsie salesman, n:
                   5847:        Fuller bust man.
                   5848: %
                   5849: Famous last words:
                   5850:        1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
                   5851:        2: You and what army?
                   5852:        3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
                   5853:        4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
                   5854:                be a cop.
                   5855:        5: I don't see how they make a profit
                   5856:                out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
                   5857:        6: We're just getting into semantics again.
                   5858:        7: Everything's under control.
                   5859:        8: He's an asshole!  Don't try to "shush" me!
                   5860: %
                   5861: Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside.  You had an arse full
                   5862: of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
                   5863: long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
                   5864:                -- James Joyce
                   5865: %
                   5866: Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
                   5867: She was a virgin tried and true
                   5868: Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
                   5869: There ain't nothin' she won't do!
                   5870:        Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
                   5871:        Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
                   5872:        Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
                   5873:        That's why caviar is my dish!
                   5874:
                   5875: Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
                   5876: He was a man of ninety-three
                   5877: Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
                   5878: He had chased her up a tree!
                   5879:        (chorus)
                   5880: %
                   5881: felt tip, v:
                   5882:        Past tense for a breast examination!
                   5883: %
                   5884: Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around.  Who else would take a
                   5885: flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
                   5886:                -- Rita Rudner
                   5887: %
                   5888: female, n:
                   5889:        Life support system for a pussy.
                   5890: %
                   5891: Feminism, n:
                   5892:        A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
                   5893:        both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
                   5894: %
                   5895: Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
                   5896: %
                   5897: Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
                   5898: women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
                   5899: handbags are full.
                   5900:                -- Earl Wilson
                   5901: %
                   5902: Fie for shame,
                   5903: you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
                   5904: libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
                   5905: %
                   5906: Fig Newton.
                   5907: %
                   5908: Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
                   5909: %
                   5910: Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
                   5911: Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
                   5912:                -- Geoffrey Chaucer
                   5913: %
                   5914: Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.
                   5915:
                   5916: Reporter: Tarzan?  Is that your first or last name?
                   5917: Tarzan:   Tarzan first name.
                   5918: Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
                   5919: Tarzan:   Tarzan of the Apes.
                   5920: Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
                   5921: Tarzan:   That Jane.
                   5922: Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
                   5923: Tarzan:   Cunt.
                   5924: %
                   5925: First you get down on your knees,      Get in line in that processional,
                   5926: Fiddle with your rosaries,             Step into that small confessional,
                   5927: Bow your head with great respect,      There the guy who's got religion'll
                   5928: And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!   Tell you if your sins' original.
                   5929: Do whatever steps you want if          If it is, try playin' it safer,
                   5930: You have cleared them with the Pontiff,        Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
                   5931: Ev'rybody say his own                  Two, four, six eight,
                   5932: Kyrie eleison,                         Time to transubstantiate!
                   5933: Doin' the Vatican Rag.
                   5934:
                   5935: So get down upon your knees,           Make a cross on your abdomen,
                   5936: Fiddle with your rosaries,             When in Rome do like a Roman,
                   5937: Bow your head with great respect,      Ave Maria,
                   5938: And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!   Gee, it's good to see ya,
                   5939:        Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
                   5940:                -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
                   5941: %
                   5942: Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
                   5943: He was born in Palestine
                   5944: Has anybody seen my Lord?
                   5945:
                   5946: He's so cool, he's so fine
                   5947: Eat his bread and drink his wine
                   5948: Has anybody seen my Lord?
                   5949:
                   5950: He's so neat, he's so cool,
                   5951: Walks across my swimming pool.
                   5952: Has anybody...
                   5953: %
                   5954: Flappity, floppity, flip
                   5955: The mouse on the Mobius strip;
                   5956:        The strip revolved,
                   5957:        The mouse dissolved
                   5958: In a chronodimensional skip.
                   5959: %
                   5960: Flirt, n:
                   5961:        A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
                   5962: %
                   5963: Floating idly one day through the air,
                   5964: A circus performer named Blair,
                   5965:        Tied a sizeable rock,
                   5966:        To the end of his cock,
                   5967: And shattered a balcony chair.
                   5968: %
                   5969: Floppy now, hard later.
                   5970: %
                   5971: Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest.  This cat allowed himself
                   5972: to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
                   5973: by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
                   5974: bombed.  And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
                   5975: life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit.  He became numero uno
                   5976: gameplayer.  Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
                   5977: and the reality began.  Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
                   5978: Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
                   5979: a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend.  In his final
                   5980: appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
                   5981: Mr. Joe Gideon!!
                   5982:                -- All That Jazz
                   5983: %
                   5984: Fond of equestrians, Mabel
                   5985: Looked for true love in the stable.
                   5986:        But she found the studs,
                   5987:        For her were all duds,
                   5988: Now she's out with the leg of a table.
                   5989: %
                   5990: For a gay time, call 632-9483.  Ask for Brucie.
                   5991: %
                   5992: For a good time, call 632-9484.  Ask for Cathy.
                   5993: %
                   5994: For a good time, call 632-9485.  Ask for Michael.
                   5995: %
                   5996: For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
                   5997: Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
                   5998:        He's endowed with a dong
                   5999:        That is 12 inches long,
                   6000: So he wedges his foot in the door.
                   6001: %
                   6002: For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
                   6003:                -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
                   6004:
                   6005: When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
                   6006:                -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
                   6007: %
                   6008: For children, a woman.
                   6009: For pleasure, a boy.
                   6010: For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
                   6011: %
                   6012: For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
                   6013: exquisite nightgown of imported lace.  The next week her salary was
                   6014: raised!
                   6015: %
                   6016: For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
                   6017: sex on him, but to no avail.  His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
                   6018: simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
                   6019: alone attempt it.  But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
                   6020: one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.  When it was
                   6021: over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
                   6022: sweetheart?"
                   6023:        He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
                   6024: cocksucker!"
                   6025: %
                   6026: For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
                   6027: That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
                   6028:        But the one remedy
                   6029:        For contagious V.D.
                   6030: Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
                   6031: %
                   6032: For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
                   6033: That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
                   6034:        But the one remedy
                   6035:        For contagious V.D.
                   6036: Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
                   6037: %
                   6038: "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
                   6039: "You have told me my bosom is snowy;
                   6040:        You have made much fine verse on
                   6041:        Each part of my person,
                   6042: Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
                   6043: %
                   6044: fornication, n:
                   6045:        Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
                   6046: %
                   6047: FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:       #15
                   6048:
                   6049: Sex:
                   6050:        Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
                   6051: foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
                   6052:
                   6053: Maturity:
                   6054:        Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
                   6055: function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
                   6056: and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school
                   6057: romances rarely work out.
                   6058:
                   6059: Handwriting:
                   6060:        To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
                   6061: chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
                   6062: "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their
                   6063: "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even
                   6064: when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
                   6065: %
                   6066: FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:       #18
                   6067:
                   6068: Sexual frequency:
                   6069:        The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
                   6070: morning, or maybe both if he's under 25.  The average woman would like to
                   6071: have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
                   6072:
                   6073: Shopping:
                   6074:        It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
                   6075: Men don't like to shop.  If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
                   6076: will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
                   6077: He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
                   6078: color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know.  Even then it takes him
                   6079: half an hour to get there from the entrance.  When he's finally accomplished
                   6080: his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook.  Women shop to
                   6081: relax.
                   6082: %
                   6083: Fortune Personals:
                   6084:        SWBiM, 29.  Gr/Fr/Mild English.  Have
                   6085:        own moose, hoop.  Sincere inquiries
                   6086:        only.  Discreet.  Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
                   6087: %
                   6088: Fortune presents:
                   6089:        USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
                   6090:
                   6091: Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo?  Where's the nearest massage parlor?
                   6092: Vi dolorigas min.                      You're hurting me.
                   6093: Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston.   I want to see an American doctor.
                   6094: Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some
                   6095:                                                contraceptives.
                   6096: ^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci?       Was it good for you too?
                   6097: %
                   6098: Fortune presents:
                   6099:        USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
                   6100: Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj.        My hovercraft is full of eels.
                   6101: Neniu anticipas la hispanan            No one expects the Spanish
                   6102:        Inkvizicion.                            Inquisition.
                   6103: La solvo estas kvardekdu.              The answer is forty-two.
                   6104: Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so.  So long, and thanks for all the fish.
                   6105: ^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket,
                   6106:        vi feli^cas pri vidi min?               or are you happy to see me?
                   6107: %
                   6108: Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
                   6109:
                   6110: Try:
                   6111:        [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?                  (C shell)
                   6112:        ^How did the^sex change operation go?   (C shell)
                   6113:        "How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
                   6114:        %blow                                   (C shell)
                   6115:        'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am'   (C shell)
                   6116:        got a light?                            (C shell)
                   6117:        !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell)
                   6118:        PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense   (Bourne shell)
                   6119:        make love
                   6120:        make "the perfect dry martini"
                   6121:        man -kisses dog                         (anything up to 4.3BSD)
                   6122:        i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i         (Bourne shell)
                   6123: %
                   6124: FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
                   6125:
                   6126: You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
                   6127: proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
                   6128: proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
                   6129: your coffee.  You:
                   6130:
                   6131:        (a)  Tell him you take your coffee black.
                   6132:        (b)  Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
                   6133:        (c)  Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
                   6134:                "In" basket.
                   6135:        (d)  Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
                   6136: %
                   6137: FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
                   6138:
                   6139: You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
                   6140: tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
                   6141: live there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
                   6142:
                   6143:        (a)  Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
                   6144:                remember your name.
                   6145:        (b)  Ask what position she played.
                   6146:        (c)  Ask if she is still working the streets.
                   6147:        (d)  Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
                   6148:                if he recognizes the label.
                   6149: %
                   6150: FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
                   6151:
                   6152: You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
                   6153: your best deal of the year.  During the conversation a blonde walks into
                   6154: the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
                   6155: to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
                   6156: in your hotel.  She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
                   6157: his daughter.  Your next move is to:
                   6158:
                   6159:        (a)  Ask for her hand in marriage.
                   6160:        (b)  Pass out and hope for sympathy.
                   6161:        (c)  Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
                   6162:                daughter and get her number.
                   6163:        (d)  Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
                   6164: %
                   6165: FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7
                   6166: You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
                   6167: and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
                   6168: there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
                   6169:
                   6170:        (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
                   6171:                name.
                   6172:        (b) Ask what position she played.
                   6173:        (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if
                   6174:                he recognizes the label.
                   6175: %
                   6176: FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
                   6177:
                   6178: You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
                   6179: in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
                   6180: egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
                   6181: Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
                   6182: bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.  You:
                   6183:
                   6184:        (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
                   6185:        (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
                   6186:        (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
                   6187: %
                   6188: Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
                   6189: could go either way.
                   6190: %
                   6191: Fortune's Guide to Movies:
                   6192: G:   No girl.
                   6193: PG:  The hero gets the girl.
                   6194: R:   The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
                   6195: X:   The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
                   6196:        which end it will be.
                   6197: XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
                   6198: %
                   6199: Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
                   6200:
                   6201:        Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
                   6202: you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
                   6203: If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
                   6204: you in the face.  Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
                   6205: of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
                   6206:        Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion".  What do
                   6207: you do?  Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
                   6208: rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
                   6209: not be rational.  Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
                   6210:        Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
                   6211: "certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
                   6212: they are talking about *you*.  It is also correct to assume that words you
                   6213: don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
                   6214: are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
                   6215: scathing response.  Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
                   6216: rational discussion.  (See above.)
                   6217: %
                   6218: Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
                   6219:
                   6220: The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
                   6221: recourse.  If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
                   6222: 30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the
                   6223: final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
                   6224: the author of that memo:
                   6225:        1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
                   6226:        2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
                   6227:           cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
                   6228:           are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
                   6229:        3: something unpleasant.
                   6230: The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
                   6231: has posted something you don't understand.  Given the current state of modern
                   6232: electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
                   6233: of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
                   6234: the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
                   6235: a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
                   6236: %
                   6237: FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
                   6238:
                   6239:        Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
                   6240: %
                   6241: FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
                   6242:
                   6243:        Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
                   6244: %
                   6245: Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years.  After their usual
                   6246: Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
                   6247: shower for the first time.  His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
                   6248: one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
                   6249: us in the clubhouse.  Why the sudden change?"
                   6250:        "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
                   6251: medical condition.  I had both a penis and a vagina.  Last month I finally
                   6252: decided to have the vagina removed."
                   6253:        The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust.  "You
                   6254: mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
                   6255: these years?"
                   6256: %
                   6257: France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
                   6258: the toilet paper.
                   6259:                -- Billy Wilder
                   6260: %
                   6261: From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
                   6262: fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it.  The
                   6263: moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
                   6264: whispered,
                   6265:        "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
                   6266: inches?"
                   6267: There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
                   6268:        "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
                   6269: in a row!"
                   6270: %
                   6271: Fuck art; let's dance!
                   6272: %
                   6273: Fuck off and die!
                   6274: %
                   6275: Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
                   6276: %
                   6277: Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
                   6278: %
                   6279: Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
                   6280: It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
                   6281:        It makes you sick, it makes you well,
                   6282:        It turns your spine to fucking jell,
                   6283: It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
                   6284: %
                   6285: fuck-me-pumps, n:
                   6286:        Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
                   6287: The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps.  Shoes with
                   6288: heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
                   6289: them properly.
                   6290: %
                   6291: fuckoff, n:
                   6292:        The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
                   6293: %
                   6294: Gardeners do it in raised beds.
                   6295: %
                   6296: GARTER:
                   6297:        An elastic band intended to keep a woman
                   6298:        from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
                   6299: %
                   6300: Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
                   6301: Donna Rice home.
                   6302: %
                   6303: GAY:
                   6304:        One who'd rather swish than fight.
                   6305: %
                   6306: GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
                   6307:        You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because
                   6308: you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
                   6309: little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing incest.
                   6310: %
                   6311: Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
                   6312:                -- Mae West
                   6313: %
                   6314: Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
                   6315: %
                   6316: George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
                   6317: find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him.  He
                   6318: leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
                   6319: bureau.  He then started to tiptoe out of the room.  But, as he passed the
                   6320: foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg.  Glancing down, he saw
                   6321: another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed.  She gazed up
                   6322: at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
                   6323: %
                   6324: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
                   6325: also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
                   6326: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
                   6327: %
                   6328: GEORGIA:
                   6329:        Where kinky sex means getting laid.
                   6330: %
                   6331: "Get a load of that chick!"    "Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
                   6332: "Weellll, I dunno..."          "Look.  The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
                   6333: "Hey!  You're right!"          "I'm always right!"
                   6334: "The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
                   6335:
                   6336: "Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
                   6337: you'd like to go out with me!"
                   6338:
                   6339: Oh my god you little Geek!
                   6340: Get away before I freak!               You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
                   6341: I'm a babe and you are not.            You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
                   6342: You can't handle what I've got!                Well you can beg until you're blue,
                   6343: I'm too hot, too hot for you..         But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
                   6344:                                        I'm too hot, too hot for you.
                   6345: Ha ha ha!  Don't make me laugh!
                   6346: I want a whole man, not a half.                I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
                   6347: You wet your pants, I'm so sure.               face,
                   6348: Too bad wimp-itis has no cure.         I'm god's gift to the male race.
                   6349: I'm too hot, too hot for you.          I'm the queen of babes supreme,
                   6350:                                        But you'll only see me in you dreams.
                   6351: "Well?  What'd she say??"              I'm too hot, too hot for you.
                   6352: "Well, she didn't say no..."
                   6353:                -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
                   6354: %
                   6355: GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
                   6356: %
                   6357: Get your bytes from our backend!
                   6358:                -- Britton Lee
                   6359: %
                   6360: Getting an education at the University of California
                   6361: is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
                   6362: %
                   6363: Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
                   6364: Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
                   6365:        But her genital area
                   6366:        Is so vast it'll scareya,
                   6367: And you venture inside at your peril.
                   6368: %
                   6369: Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
                   6370:        Lean closer.
                   6371: Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
                   6372:        Smile at her *knowingly*.
                   6373: Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
                   6374:        Nod sympathetically.  Show you're on *her* side.
                   6375: Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
                   6376:        Touch her hand lightly.  Nobody understands but we two.
                   6377: Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
                   6378:        Look sincere.
                   6379:
                   6380: "Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
                   6381:
                   6382:        God's gift to women strikes again.
                   6383:                -- J. Feiffer
                   6384: %
                   6385: Gimme that old bisexuality,
                   6386: Gimme that old bisexuality,
                   6387: Gimme that old bisexuality,
                   6388: 'Cause it's good enough for me!
                   6389:
                   6390: It was good for David Bowie,
                   6391: It was good for David Bowie,
                   6392: It was good for David Bowie,
                   6393: And it's good enough for me!
                   6394: %
                   6395: Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
                   6396:                -- Archie Goodwin
                   6397: %
                   6398: Girls are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand!
                   6399: %
                   6400: Girls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
                   6401: that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
                   6402: certain curvilinear properties.
                   6403:                -- Ashley Montagu
                   6404: %
                   6405: Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
                   6406: yourself!
                   6407: %
                   6408: Girls who put out are tramps.  Girls who don't are ladies.  This is,
                   6409: however, a rather archaic use of the word.  Should one of you boys happen
                   6410: upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
                   6411: have found a lady.  What you have probably found is a lesbian.
                   6412:                -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
                   6413: %
                   6414: Girls who throw themselves at men,
                   6415: are actually taking very careful aim.
                   6416: %
                   6417: Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
                   6418: %
                   6419: Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
                   6420:                -- Mae West
                   6421: %
                   6422: Give me Librium or give me Meth.
                   6423: %
                   6424: Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
                   6425: %
                   6426: GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
                   6427:        A girl into choral sex.
                   6428: %
                   6429: Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
                   6430: and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
                   6431: %
                   6432: God is a polytheist.
                   6433: %
                   6434: God is an atheist.
                   6435: %
                   6436: God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
                   6437: %
                   6438: God is not dead -- he's been busted.
                   6439: %
                   6440: God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
                   6441: on the label.  If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
                   6442: divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you.  No
                   6443: checks, please.  Cash and in small bills.
                   6444:                -- Lazarus Long
                   6445: %
                   6446: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
                   6447: %
                   6448: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
                   6449: %
                   6450: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
                   6451: %
                   6452: God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
                   6453: %
                   6454: God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
                   6455: where to go.
                   6456:        "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
                   6457:        "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
                   6458:        "Well, how about Mercury?"
                   6459:        "No, it's too hot there."
                   6460:        "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
                   6461:        "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
                   6462: there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
                   6463: still talking about it."
                   6464: %
                   6465: God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
                   6466: Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
                   6467: will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
                   6468: in the vicinity.  However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
                   6469: for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
                   6470: over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
                   6471: turkeys who buy such bumper stickers.  Of course, God understands that innocent
                   6472: bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
                   6473: impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
                   6474: for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
                   6475: without breaking eggs.  God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
                   6476: dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
                   6477: (hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with.  But God knows full well
                   6478: that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
                   6479: expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
                   6480: %
                   6481: God's plan had a great beginning,
                   6482: But man spoiled his chances by sinning
                   6483:        We trust that the story
                   6484:        Will end in God's glory
                   6485: But at present the other side's winning.
                   6486: %
                   6487: God's plan made a hopeful beginning
                   6488: But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
                   6489:        We trust that the story
                   6490:        Will end in God's glory
                   6491: But at present, the other side's winning.
                   6492: %
                   6493: Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
                   6494: is fatal to a virgin.
                   6495:                -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
                   6496: %
                   6497: Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
                   6498: Sold in a market down in New Orleans
                   6499: Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
                   6500: Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
                   6501:
                   6502: Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
                   6503: Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
                   6504:
                   6505: Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
                   6506: Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
                   6507: House boy knows that he's doing alright
                   6508: You should a heard him just around midnight.
                   6509: ...
                   6510: I bet your mama was tent show queen
                   6511: And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
                   6512: I'm no school boy but I know what I like
                   6513: You should have heard me just around midnight.
                   6514:                -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
                   6515: %
                   6516: Goldfish:  Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
                   6517: "fish fashion" (ie: no hands).  Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
                   6518: It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
                   6519: Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
                   6520: unsupervised, even briefly.  There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
                   6521: the movie "Soldier Blue".  A good many women can get an orgasm from this
                   6522: simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
                   6523: Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
                   6524: able to get loose.
                   6525:                -- The Joy of Sex
                   6526: %
                   6527: Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
                   6528: %
                   6529: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
                   6530: Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently...
                   6531:
                   6532: Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
                   6533: isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
                   6534:
                   6535: It's swell to have a Stiffy,
                   6536: it's divine to have a Dick,
                   6537: from the tinyest little Tadger,
                   6538: to the world's greatest Prick.
                   6539:
                   6540: So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
                   6541: Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
                   6542:
                   6543: Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
                   6544: your Porky or your Cock,
                   6545: you can wrap it up in ribbons,
                   6546: you can stick it in your sock!
                   6547:
                   6548: But, don't take it out in public,
                   6549: or they will stick you in the dock,
                   6550: and you won't come back.
                   6551:                 -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python
                   6552: %
                   6553: good scout, n:
                   6554:        Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
                   6555: %
                   6556: Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great.  He walked over to his
                   6557: window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up.  He felt *so*
                   6558: good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
                   6559: voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade!  Good morning to you and
                   6560: the great Soviet Socialist Republic!".  Of course, this surprised him, but
                   6561: great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
                   6562: Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
                   6563: bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!".  Again a booming reply,
                   6564: "Good morning, Comrade.  Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
                   6565: Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
                   6566: day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
                   6567:        Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet.  As he
                   6568: dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting.  Walking over to the window,
                   6569: Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
                   6570: you, Comrade Sun!".  Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
                   6571: asshole!  I'm in the West now!"
                   6572: %
                   6573: Grain grows best in shit.
                   6574:                -- U.K. LeGuin
                   6575: %
                   6576: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
                   6577: %
                   6578: Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
                   6579: %
                   6580: great lover, n:
                   6581:        A man who can breathe through his ears.
                   6582: %
                   6583: GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917
                   6584:
                   6585: On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
                   6586: Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought
                   6587: them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
                   6588: I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from
                   6589: his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
                   6590: in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
                   6591: men stood lookout.
                   6592: %
                   6593: Gross, adj.:
                   6594:        When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
                   6595: %
                   6596: Gross, adj.:
                   6597:        When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
                   6598:        slips you some tongue.
                   6599: %
                   6600: Gynecologist, n:
                   6601:        Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
                   6602: %
                   6603: HACKER:
                   6604:        A master byter.
                   6605: %
                   6606: Hackers do it bottom-up.
                   6607: %
                   6608: Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
                   6609: %
                   6610: Hackers do it with bugs.
                   6611: %
                   6612: Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
                   6613: %
                   6614: Hackers have kernel knowledge.
                   6615: %
                   6616: Hackers know all the right MOVs.
                   6617: %
                   6618: Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
                   6619: are about penis size.  And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
                   6620: is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
                   6621:                -- From alt.sex
                   6622: %
                   6623: Halt!!  Who goes there, friend or enema?
                   6624: %
                   6625: Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
                   6626: Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
                   6627:        Babies' diapers. --
                   6628:        Bottom wipers. --
                   6629: Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
                   6630: %
                   6631: Handy hint:
                   6632:        A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
                   6633:        when you're out of tampons.
                   6634: %
                   6635: Hang gliders come down very slowly.
                   6636: %
                   6637: Hangover, n:
                   6638:        The burden of proof.
                   6639: %
                   6640: HAPPINESS:
                   6641:        Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
                   6642: %
                   6643: Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
                   6644: mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal difference
                   6645: between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
                   6646: or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts.  The husbandryman uses
                   6647: his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
                   6648: Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
                   6649:                -- Tom Robbins
                   6650: %
                   6651: Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
                   6652: 22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her.  The
                   6653: determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
                   6654: program.  He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
                   6655: lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.  Within months, the
                   6656: rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
                   6657:        On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
                   6658: by lightning.  Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "How
                   6659: could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
                   6660:        "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
                   6661: recognize you."
                   6662: %
                   6663: Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
                   6664: when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
                   6665: boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
                   6666: off.  Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
                   6667: that he go straight to bed.  Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
                   6668: he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
                   6669: a stretcher.
                   6670:        "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
                   6671: Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
                   6672: enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
                   6673:        "Looks good, feels good...  No, you look like hell.  Looks good,
                   6674: feels terrible...  Nah, you feel fine, right?"
                   6675: Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
                   6676:        "Looks terrible, feels terrible...  Nope, that won't do it either."
                   6677: Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!!  You're a vagina!"
                   6678: %
                   6679: Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
                   6680: America's problems?  Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
                   6681: difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend.  If we
                   6682: got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
                   6683: by 10:00.  Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
                   6684: but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening.  Turning our
                   6685: attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
                   6686: General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
                   6687: up Sunday afternoon.  I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
                   6688: thought of this...
                   6689: %
                   6690: Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
                   6691: President?  "I can't deal with the Russians today.  Not now.  I've got
                   6692: my period."
                   6693:                -- Steven Moore
                   6694: %
                   6695: Have you ever tried to tickle yourself?  Everybody has some wacko aunt or
                   6696: uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter.  But
                   6697: if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
                   6698: laugh.  Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist.  Thank God
                   6699: other parts of our bodies are dumber.
                   6700: %
                   6701: Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs, I
                   6702: mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
                   6703: water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
                   6704: is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
                   6705: don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers.  They don't give a
                   6706: damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
                   6707: Shirley" week after week.
                   6708:                -- Dave Barry
                   6709: %
                   6710: Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
                   6711: Who came to Rumania's rescue?
                   6712:        It's a wonderful thing
                   6713:        To be under a king--
                   6714: Is democracy better, I esk you?
                   6715: %
                   6716: Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
                   6717: Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
                   6718:        Some people say,
                   6719:        Love finds a way,
                   6720: But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
                   6721: %
                   6722: Have you heard of the lady named Cox
                   6723: Who had a capacious old box?
                   6724:        When her lover was in place
                   6725:        She said, "Please turn your face.
                   6726: I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
                   6727: %
                   6728: Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
                   6729: And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
                   6730:        How they lift the frock
                   6731:        And tickle the cock
                   6732: Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
                   6733: %
                   6734: Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
                   6735: Like some bright erotic star,
                   6736: He lights up the proceedings,
                   6737: And raises the temperature.
                   6738:                -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
                   6739: %
                   6740: Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
                   6741: for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
                   6742: attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
                   6743: as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
                   6744: Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
                   6745: finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
                   6746:                -- R.E. Masters
                   6747: %
                   6748: Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
                   6749: satisfy his new 18-year-old wife.  He visited a gypsy woman with magical
                   6750: powers.
                   6751:        After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
                   6752: Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection.  Repeating
                   6753: the phrase will make it disappear.  But remember," she cautioned, "it will
                   6754: work only three times.  Make use of them wisely."
                   6755:        As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction.  "Beep-beep,"
                   6756: he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
                   6757: "Beep-beep", he repeated.  It went away.
                   6758:        He sped through traffic on his way home.  "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
                   6759: The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
                   6760:        "Beep-beep," honked a truck.  His erection wilted.
                   6761:        Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
                   6762: and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
                   6763:        "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
                   6764: "Beep-beep!"
                   6765:        "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
                   6766: "What's all this beep-beep shit?"
                   6767: %
                   6768: Having made a remark rather coarse,
                   6769: A young lady was seized with remorse;
                   6770:        She fled from the room,
                   6771:        And later, a groom
                   6772: Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
                   6773:                -- Edward Gorey
                   6774: %
                   6775: He:    Am I... am I your first?
                   6776: She:   Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
                   6777: %
                   6778: He:    "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
                   6779: She:   "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
                   6780: %
                   6781: He:    So, what do you say to little fuck?
                   6782: She:   I say, "get lost, little fuck."
                   6783: %
                   6784: He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
                   6785: But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
                   6786:                -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
                   6787: %
                   6788: He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
                   6789: muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
                   6790: But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
                   6791: a pocket camera?
                   6792:                -- An Exciting Journey
                   6793: %
                   6794: He dove down overweighted with lead.
                   6795: Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
                   6796:        He flapped and he flailed,
                   6797:        Spit his hose and he wailed,
                   6798: Swallowed water and found himself dead.
                   6799: %
                   6800: He drank with curvy Mable,
                   6801: The pace was fast and furious,
                   6802: He slid beneath the table,
                   6803: Not drunk but merely curious.
                   6804: %
                   6805: He grabbed me by my slender neck,
                   6806: I could not call or scream.
                   6807: He dragged me to his tiny room,
                   6808: Where we could not be seen.
                   6809: He tore away my filmy wrap,
                   6810: And gazed upon my form.
                   6811: I so cold and frightened,
                   6812: While he so strong and warm.
                   6813: He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
                   6814: I gave him every drop.
                   6815: He drained me of my very self,
                   6816: I could not make him stop!
                   6817: And that is why you see me here,
                   6818: An empty, broken bottle of beer...
                   6819: %
                   6820: He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
                   6821: So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
                   6822: unusual for him to try.  "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
                   6823: do have one number you might enjoy."  She went on to describe a New Jersey
                   6824: hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
                   6825:        "We've got her here, but only for the day."
                   6826:        The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
                   6827: into a room with a hen.  After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
                   6828: cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
                   6829: but a plain old chicken.  He left.  Thinking about it later, he decided
                   6830: that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
                   6831: asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
                   6832:        "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
                   6833: of men were looking through a one-way mirror.  He saw that they were watching
                   6834: a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
                   6835:        "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him.  "This is really
                   6836: great!"
                   6837:        The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
                   6838: a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
                   6839: %
                   6840: He hated to mend, so young Ned
                   6841: Called in a cute neighbor instead.
                   6842:        Her husband said, "Vi,
                   6843:        When you stitched up his torn fly,
                   6844: Did you have to bite off the thread?"
                   6845: %
                   6846: He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
                   6847: Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
                   6848:        Then his gargantuan pole in
                   6849:        Her pink, tight, and swollen
                   6850: Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
                   6851: %
                   6852: He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
                   6853: %
                   6854: He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
                   6855: %
                   6856: He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
                   6857: scared it'd get serious.
                   6858: %
                   6859: He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
                   6860: %
                   6861: He was the world's only armless sculptor.  He put the chisel in his mouth
                   6862: and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
                   6863:                -- Fred Allen
                   6864: %
                   6865: He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
                   6866: Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
                   6867: It's the only job he's qualified for!
                   6868:                -- Michael Cain
                   6869: %
                   6870: He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
                   6871: %
                   6872: He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
                   6873: pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
                   6874: %
                   6875: He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
                   6876: %
                   6877: He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
                   6878: sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
                   6879:                -- Howard Kandel
                   6880: %
                   6881: Hear about...
                   6882:        one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
                   6883:        have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
                   6884: %
                   6885: Hear about...
                   6886:        the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
                   6887:        Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
                   6888: %
                   6889: Hear about...
                   6890:        the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
                   6891:        the bed?
                   6892: %
                   6893: Hear about...
                   6894:        the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
                   6895:        started chiseling on his wife?
                   6896: %
                   6897: Hear about...
                   6898:        the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
                   6899:        his whatchamacalit?
                   6900: %
                   6901: Hear about...
                   6902:        the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
                   6903:        demanded a salary on next week's advance?
                   6904: %
                   6905: Hear about...
                   6906:        the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
                   6907:        Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
                   6908: %
                   6909: Hear about...
                   6910:        the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
                   6911:        go up on him?
                   6912: %
                   6913: Hear about...
                   6914:        the careless canary that did it for a lark?
                   6915: %
                   6916: Hear about...
                   6917:        the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
                   6918: %
                   6919: Hear about...
                   6920:        the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
                   6921:        The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
                   6922:        which end it will be.
                   6923: %
                   6924: Hear about...
                   6925:        the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
                   6926:        a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
                   6927: %
                   6928: Hear about...
                   6929:        the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
                   6930: %
                   6931: Hear about...
                   6932:        the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
                   6933:        wrong foot?
                   6934: %
                   6935: Hear about...
                   6936:        the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia?  His patients didn't
                   6937:        get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
                   6938: %
                   6939: Hear about...
                   6940:        the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
                   6941:        everybody in the joint?
                   6942: %
                   6943: Hear about...
                   6944:        the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
                   6945:        asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
                   6946: %
                   6947: Hear about...
                   6948:        the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
                   6949:        next morning found she was six months pregnant?
                   6950: %
                   6951: Hear about...
                   6952:        the farmer who couldn't keep his
                   6953:        hands off his wife so he fired them?
                   6954: %
                   6955: Hear about...
                   6956:        the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
                   6957:        fired them?
                   6958: %
                   6959: Hear about...
                   6960:        The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
                   6961:        her between the limbs?
                   6962: %
                   6963: Hear about...
                   6964:        the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
                   6965: %
                   6966: Hear about...
                   6967:        the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
                   6968:        accommodating girls?  He refers to it as his little blew book.
                   6969: %
                   6970: Hear about...
                   6971:        the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
                   6972: %
                   6973: Hear about...
                   6974:        the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
                   6975: %
                   6976: Hear about...
                   6977:        the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
                   6978:        delinquency of a major?
                   6979: %
                   6980: Hear about...
                   6981:        the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
                   6982:        to the front?
                   6983: %
                   6984: Hear about...
                   6985:        the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
                   6986:        education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
                   6987: %
                   6988: Hear about...
                   6989:        the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
                   6990:        then his wife didn't leave town?
                   6991: %
                   6992: Hear about...
                   6993:        the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
                   6994:        marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
                   6995: %
                   6996: Hear about...
                   6997:        the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
                   6998:        sailors?
                   6999: %
                   7000: Hear about...
                   7001:        the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
                   7002:        so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
                   7003: %
                   7004: Hear about...
                   7005:        the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
                   7006:        such a sweet liquor?
                   7007: %
                   7008: Hear about...
                   7009:        the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
                   7010:        off?
                   7011: %
                   7012: Hear about...
                   7013:        the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
                   7014: %
                   7015: Hear about...
                   7016:        the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy?  Just kind of lost
                   7017:        his ball bearings.
                   7018: %
                   7019: Hear about...
                   7020:        the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
                   7021:        lost his ball bearings?
                   7022: %
                   7023: Hear about...
                   7024:        the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
                   7025:        Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
                   7026: %
                   7027: Hear about...
                   7028:        the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
                   7029:        he'd never be able to face his girl again?
                   7030: %
                   7031: Hear about...
                   7032:        the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
                   7033: %
                   7034: Hear about...
                   7035:        the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
                   7036: %
                   7037: Hear about...
                   7038:        the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
                   7039:        assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
                   7040: %
                   7041: Hear about...
                   7042:        the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
                   7043:        so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
                   7044: %
                   7045: Hear about...
                   7046:        the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
                   7047: %
                   7048: Hear about...
                   7049:        the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
                   7050:        a lot more than letters behind the files?
                   7051: %
                   7052: Hear about...
                   7053:        the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
                   7054:        with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
                   7055: %
                   7056: Hear about...
                   7057:        the little boy that found a fifty cent
                   7058:        piece, so he went home for some money?
                   7059: %
                   7060: Hear about...
                   7061:        the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
                   7062:        for some money?
                   7063: %
                   7064: Hear about...
                   7065:        the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent?  Except on
                   7066:        Palm Sunday, of course.
                   7067: %
                   7068: Hear about...
                   7069:        the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
                   7070:        York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
                   7071: %
                   7072: Hear about...
                   7073:        the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
                   7074:        he'd never be able to face his girl again?
                   7075: %
                   7076: Hear about...
                   7077:        the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
                   7078:        that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
                   7079: %
                   7080: Hear about...
                   7081:        the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?  You simply add milk
                   7082:        and they eat each other.
                   7083: %
                   7084: Hear about...
                   7085:        the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers".  They don't go snap,
                   7086:        crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
                   7087: %
                   7088: Hear about...
                   7089:        the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
                   7090:        Los Angeles single bars?  It's called Bang Americard.
                   7091: %
                   7092: Hear about...
                   7093:        the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
                   7094:        single bars -- BANG AMERICARD?
                   7095: %
                   7096: Hear about...
                   7097:        the new rule at the girls' school?
                   7098:        Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
                   7099: %
                   7100: Hear about...
                   7101:        the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
                   7102:        it makes men cocky and women lay better?
                   7103: %
                   7104: Hear about...
                   7105:        the nurse they thought had drowned
                   7106:        until they found her under the doc?
                   7107: %
                   7108: Hear about...
                   7109:        the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
                   7110: %
                   7111: Hear about...
                   7112:        the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
                   7113: %
                   7114: Hear about...
                   7115:        the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
                   7116: %
                   7117: Hear about...
                   7118:        the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
                   7119:        a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
                   7120: %
                   7121: Hear about...
                   7122:        the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
                   7123:        without getting any mail in her box?
                   7124: %
                   7125: Hear about...
                   7126:        the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
                   7127:        men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
                   7128: %
                   7129: Hear about...
                   7130:        the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
                   7131:        someone would grab his seat?
                   7132: %
                   7133: Hear about...
                   7134:        the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
                   7135: %
                   7136: Hear about...
                   7137:        the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
                   7138: %
                   7139: Hear about...
                   7140:        the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
                   7141: %
                   7142: Hear about...
                   7143:        the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
                   7144:        wide receiver?
                   7145: %
                   7146: Hear about...
                   7147:        the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
                   7148:        off the sofa?
                   7149: %
                   7150: Hear about...
                   7151:        the ultimate in singles bars.  It's a place where girls have
                   7152:        to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
                   7153: %
                   7154: Hear about...
                   7155:        the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
                   7156:        feel like a new man?
                   7157: %
                   7158: Hear about...
                   7159:        the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a
                   7160:        new man?
                   7161: %
                   7162: Hear about...
                   7163:        the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
                   7164:        By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
                   7165: %
                   7166: Hear about...
                   7167:        the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
                   7168:        Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
                   7169:        she's a wonderful mount?
                   7170: %
                   7171: Hear about the...
                   7172:        guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
                   7173:        if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
                   7174: %
                   7175: Hear that...
                   7176:        bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
                   7177:        Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
                   7178: %
                   7179: Hear that...
                   7180:        the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
                   7181:        in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
                   7182:        in good standing?
                   7183: %
                   7184: Hear that...
                   7185:        the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
                   7186:        collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
                   7187: %
                   7188: Hear that...
                   7189:        the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
                   7190:        "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
                   7191: %
                   7192: Hear that...
                   7193:        there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
                   7194:        tastes?  There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
                   7195: %
                   7196: Hear that...
                   7197:        those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
                   7198:        version -- with nuts of course?
                   7199: %
                   7200: Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
                   7201: Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
                   7202: %
                   7203: He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
                   7204: They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
                   7205:        So he put Spanish fly
                   7206:        In their pudding and pie
                   7207: And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
                   7208: %
                   7209: Heisenberg may have done it.
                   7210: %
                   7211: "Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
                   7212: "I won't suck his filthy old prick!
                   7213:        It's not that I funk
                   7214:        At a mouthful of spunk,
                   7215: But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
                   7216: %
                   7217: "Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..."
                   7218:                -- Zippy the Pinhead
                   7219: %
                   7220: Hello, children!!
                   7221:        This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
                   7222:        Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
                   7223:        and we can all start.  Comfortable?  Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
                   7224:
                   7225:        One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
                   7226:        tumbledown cottage.  He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
                   7227:        grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
                   7228:        hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
                   7229:
                   7230:        Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
                   7231:        He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
                   7232:        pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
                   7233:        of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
                   7234:
                   7235:        Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
                   7236:        oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
                   7237:        glen down in Dingly Dell.  Here he sold contraceptives, ********
                   7238:        and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
                   7239:        the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
                   7240: %
                   7241: Help!  I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
                   7242:                 -- Bisexuality, 101
                   7243: %
                   7244: Help Stamp Out Rape!  (Say Yes.)
                   7245: %
                   7246: HENPECKED HUSBAND:
                   7247:        One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
                   7248: %
                   7249: Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
                   7250: Could rotate his pecker, and then
                   7251:        He would shoot through his rear
                   7252:        Which made him dear
                   7253: Of the girls, and the envy of men.
                   7254: %
                   7255: Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
                   7256: Had morals the city might soften.
                   7257:        So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
                   7258:        Are you living in sin?"
                   7259: Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
                   7260: %
                   7261: Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
                   7262: %
                   7263: Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
                   7264: Just gave birth to another Texan.
                   7265: %
                   7266: Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
                   7267: of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
                   7268: the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
                   7269: when he saw it.  So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
                   7270: suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
                   7271: over.  "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until
                   7272: one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
                   7273: an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
                   7274: stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
                   7275: illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
                   7276: court was going to take a nap.
                   7277:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
                   7278: %
                   7279: Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
                   7280: The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
                   7281: He spent his life in a futile hunt,
                   7282: To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
                   7283: And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
                   7284: 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
                   7285: %
                   7286: Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
                   7287: She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
                   7288: She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
                   7289: She has the box the cherry came in.
                   7290: %
                   7291: Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
                   7292: She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
                   7293: She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
                   7294: She makes things stand that have no feet.
                   7295: %
                   7296: Here's to the girl that's sweet,
                   7297: Here's to the girl that's true,
                   7298: Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
                   7299:
                   7300: In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
                   7301: the rest of the night?
                   7302: %
                   7303: Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
                   7304: she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
                   7305: she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
                   7306: can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
                   7307: %
                   7308: Here's to women.  Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
                   7309: into her hands.
                   7310:                -- Ambrose Bierce
                   7311: %
                   7312: HERMIT:
                   7313:        A man who'd rather get off by himself.
                   7314: %
                   7315: HERPES:
                   7316:        The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
                   7317:        Much better.
                   7318: %
                   7319: He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
                   7320:                -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
                   7321: %
                   7322: He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
                   7323: read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
                   7324: %
                   7325: He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
                   7326: he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
                   7327: %
                   7328: Hey baby!
                   7329:        How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
                   7330: %
                   7331: HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
                   7332:        A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
                   7333: become a homosexual.  Every year, millions of young men and women, just
                   7334: like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
                   7335: They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever.  Send 50 cents
                   7336: today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques".  Be sure to specify the
                   7337: male or female edition.
                   7338: %
                   7339: HEY, KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
                   7340:        Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks.  Do it right!
                   7341: Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
                   7342: for the teenager".  Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
                   7343: %
                   7344: HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
                   7345:        Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
                   7346: oral contraceptive.  See your family planning clinic today!
                   7347: %
                   7348: Hickory Dickory Dock,
                   7349: Three mice ran up a clock!
                   7350: The clock struck one,
                   7351: Right in the balls!
                   7352:
                   7353: There was an old woman,
                   7354: Who lived in a shoe,
                   7355: Who had so many children,
                   7356: Her uterus fell right out.
                   7357: %
                   7358: Higgledy Piggledy              Coeducational
                   7359: Yale University                        Extracurricular
                   7360: Gave up misogyny               Heterosexual
                   7361: Opened its door.               Fun is in store.
                   7362: %
                   7363: Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
                   7364: %
                   7365: His shy bride admitted to Crandall
                   7366: That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
                   7367:        But a cock like his dick
                   7368:        Gave her ten times the kick,
                   7369: Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
                   7370: %
                   7371: Home is where the hurt is.
                   7372:                -- Strange de Jim
                   7373: %
                   7374: Honest, officer, had I known my health was
                   7375: in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
                   7376: %
                   7377: HONOR:
                   7378:        Almost as good as in 'er.
                   7379: %
                   7380: horny, adj:
                   7381:        When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
                   7382: %
                   7383: Horsecrap, little brother.  There's always something more to be done.
                   7384: Another palm to be greased.  Another back to be scratched.  Another
                   7385: weak sister to be shored up.
                   7386:                -- J.R. Ewing
                   7387: %
                   7388: HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
                   7389:        Vol. I -- Etiquette
                   7390:
                   7391: 1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
                   7392:        scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
                   7393: 2. Washing your partner's back is sexy.  Washing your panty hose is not.
                   7394: 3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
                   7395:        it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
                   7396:        seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
                   7397: 4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing.  Don't pass anything else.
                   7398: 5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
                   7399:        toy submarine.
                   7400: %
                   7401: How can you say that the world isn't
                   7402: Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
                   7403: %
                   7404: How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
                   7405: %
                   7406: How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
                   7407: government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
                   7408: gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.
                   7409: We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
                   7410: %
                   7411: How should they answer?
                   7412:                -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
                   7413:                "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
                   7414: %
                   7415: How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
                   7416: Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
                   7417: %
                   7418: HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
                   7419:        Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
                   7420:        Fantastik or the like.  Use Windex on the glass however, and
                   7421:        be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
                   7422:        the keys.
                   7423: %
                   7424: Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
                   7425:                -- John Valby
                   7426: %
                   7427: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
                   7428: %
                   7429: Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
                   7430: bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
                   7431: %
                   7432: Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
                   7433: %
                   7434: hypocrite, n:
                   7435:        A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
                   7436: %
                   7437: I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
                   7438: country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
                   7439:                -- Steve Martin
                   7440: %
                   7441: I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
                   7442: You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system."  But what's
                   7443: going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
                   7444: you're not insured.  What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
                   7445: a Saturday Night?  Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
                   7446:                -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
                   7447: %
                   7448: I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
                   7449: perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
                   7450: too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
                   7451: the one immortal blemish of mankind.
                   7452:                -- Fredrich Nietzsche
                   7453: %
                   7454: I call it the "Madman Theory".  I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
                   7455: I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war.  We'll
                   7456: just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
                   7457: about Communism.  We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
                   7458: hand on the nuclear button."
                   7459:                -- Richard Nixon
                   7460: %
                   7461: I came; I saw; I fucked up.
                   7462: %
                   7463: I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
                   7464: dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
                   7465: and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
                   7466:                -- Betty MacDonald
                   7467: %
                   7468: I can understand companionship.  I can understand bought sex in the
                   7469: afternoon.  I cannot understand the love affair.
                   7470:                -- Gore Vidal
                   7471: %
                   7472: I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
                   7473:                -- Peter Knight
                   7474: %
                   7475: I choked Linda Lovelace.
                   7476: %
                   7477: I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
                   7478: but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
                   7479: and wallowing in its odor.
                   7480:                -- Salvador Dali
                   7481: %
                   7482: I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
                   7483: here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
                   7484: rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
                   7485: 5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country!  I came back to England (after
                   7486: absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
                   7487: -- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
                   7488: Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
                   7489: & left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing!  Being now Lord of the Manor, I
                   7490: began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
                   7491: Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
                   7492: they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
                   7493: Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
                   7494: Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
                   7495: week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
                   7496: Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
                   7497:                -- William Cobbett, British journalist
                   7498: %
                   7499: I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
                   7500: Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
                   7501:        I replied, "Simple shagging
                   7502:        Without any wagging
                   7503: Is only for screwing canoeing."
                   7504: %
                   7505: "I do love a lay every day,
                   7506: So whenever you're coming this way
                   7507:        Just phone in advance
                   7508:        And I'll jerk off my pants,
                   7509: And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
                   7510: %
                   7511: I don't care who you are, Fatso.  Get those reindeer off my roof.
                   7512: %
                   7513: I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
                   7514:                 -- Bisexuality, 101
                   7515:
                   7516:         [An equal opportunity lover?  Ed.]
                   7517: %
                   7518: I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
                   7519:                -- W.C. Fields
                   7520: %
                   7521: I don't give a shit what happens.  I want you all to stonewall it.  Let
                   7522: them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
                   7523: the plan.
                   7524:                -- Richard Nixon
                   7525: %
                   7526: I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
                   7527: money and all the pussy.
                   7528:                -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
                   7529: %
                   7530: I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
                   7531:                -- The Undergraduate
                   7532: %
                   7533: I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
                   7534: I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
                   7535: If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
                   7536: Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
                   7537: My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
                   7538:        Breaking My Heart
                   7539: Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
                   7540: Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
                   7541: When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
                   7542:        With You Is the Pits
                   7543: I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
                   7544:                -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
                   7545: %
                   7546: "I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
                   7547: marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
                   7548: %
                   7549: I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
                   7550: one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
                   7551: %
                   7552: I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
                   7553: It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
                   7554:                -- P.J. O'Rourke
                   7555: %
                   7556: I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
                   7557:        just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
                   7558: I said, "7 and 7/8?!  What did you measure 'em with?"
                   7559: And she replied, "A Stetson."
                   7560: %
                   7561: "I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
                   7562: sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
                   7563: cows came home."
                   7564: %
                   7565: I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
                   7566: Italians -- they're so Jewish.
                   7567:                -- Kay Ballard
                   7568: %
                   7569: I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
                   7570: boy, were they mad!
                   7571:                -- Stephen Wright
                   7572: %
                   7573: I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Florida for her.  She was twelve
                   7574: years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
                   7575: "Made in Taiwan".
                   7576:                -- The Stunt Man
                   7577: %
                   7578: I have a funny daddy
                   7579: Who goes in and out with me
                   7580: And everything that baby does
                   7581: Daddy's sure to see,
                   7582: And everything that baby says,
                   7583: My daddy's sure to tell.
                   7584: You must have read my daddy's verse.
                   7585: I hope he fries in Hell.
                   7586:                -- Ogden Nash
                   7587: %
                   7588: "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
                   7589: the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
                   7590: the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
                   7591: it was enough to make a blown man cry."
                   7592: %
                   7593: I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
                   7594:                -- Will Rogers
                   7595: %
                   7596: I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come, let us
                   7597: take our fill of love until the morning.
                   7598:                -- Proverbs 7:17-18
                   7599: %
                   7600: I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
                   7601: but when I tried it I kept falling off.
                   7602: %
                   7603: I knew Leo G. Carrol
                   7604: Was over a barrel
                   7605: When Tarantula took to the hills.      ["Lick it!"]
                   7606: And I really got hot
                   7607: When I saw Jeanette Scott
                   7608: Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
                   7609:
                   7610: Science fiction, double feature
                   7611: Doctor X will build a creature.
                   7612: See androids fighting Brad and Janet
                   7613: Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
                   7614: Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
                   7615: At the late night, double feature, picture show.
                   7616:                -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
                   7617: %
                   7618: I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
                   7619: Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
                   7620: He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
                   7621: Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
                   7622:
                   7623: I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
                   7624: Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
                   7625: She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
                   7626: Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
                   7627:
                   7628: I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
                   7629: Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
                   7630: She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
                   7631: Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
                   7632:                -- Doctor Dirty
                   7633: %
                   7634: I know of a fortunate Hindu
                   7635: Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
                   7636:        By the ladies he knows,
                   7637:        Who are thrilled to the toes
                   7638: By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
                   7639: %
                   7640: I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
                   7641: Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
                   7642:                -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
                   7643: %
                   7644: I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
                   7645: an Englishman in the dark.
                   7646:                -- Duncan Spaeth
                   7647: %
                   7648: I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
                   7649: %
                   7650: I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
                   7651: is to bring a New Yorker home first.
                   7652: %
                   7653: I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
                   7654: %
                   7655: I met a young man in Chungking
                   7656: Who had a very long thing --
                   7657:        But you'll guess my surprise
                   7658:        When I found that its size
                   7659: Just measured a third-finger ring!
                   7660: %
                   7661: I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
                   7662: into my neighborhood after dark.
                   7663:                -- Dick Gregory
                   7664: %
                   7665: I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought
                   7666: it was hell.
                   7667:                -- Harry S. Truman
                   7668: %
                   7669: I never had Miss Defauw,
                   7670: But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
                   7671:        If she'd only said "No"
                   7672:        When I wanted her so;
                   7673: But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
                   7674: %
                   7675: I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
                   7676: %
                   7677: I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
                   7678:                -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
                   7679: %
                   7680: I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
                   7681:                -- Lyndon Johnson
                   7682: %
                   7683: I once had the wife of a Dean
                   7684: Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
                   7685:        She remarked with some gaiety,
                   7686:        "Not bad for the laiety,
                   7687: Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
                   7688: %
                   7689: I once met a lassie named Ruth
                   7690: In a long distance telephone booth.
                   7691:        Now I know the perfection
                   7692:        Of an ideal connection
                   7693: Even if somewhat uncouth.
                   7694: %
                   7695: I once was annoyed by a queer
                   7696: Who made his intentions quite clear.
                   7697:        Said I, "I'm no prude,
                   7698:        So don't think me rude,
                   7699: But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
                   7700: %
                   7701: I only date queers.
                   7702:                 -- Bisexuality, 101
                   7703:
                   7704:         [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is!  Ed.]
                   7705: %
                   7706: I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms.  What a giftless
                   7707: bastard!  It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
                   7708: as a genius.  Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
                   7709:                -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
                   7710: %
                   7711: I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
                   7712: intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
                   7713:                -- J. Edgar Hoover
                   7714: %
                   7715: I shot a query into the net.
                   7716: I haven't got an answer yet,           A posted message called me rotten
                   7717: But seven people gave me hell          For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
                   7718: And said I ought to learn to spell;    An angry message asked me, Please
                   7719:                                        Don't send such drivel overseas;
                   7720: A lawyer sent me private mail
                   7721: And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --  One netter thought it was a hoax:
                   7722: I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem           "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
                   7723: And failed to add the T and M;         Another called my grammar vile
                   7724:                                        And criticized my writing style.
                   7725: Each day I scan each Subject line
                   7726: In hopes the topic will be mine;
                   7727: I shot a query into the net.
                   7728: I haven't got an answer yet...
                   7729:                -- Ed Nather
                   7730: %
                   7731: I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
                   7732: with his secretary.  If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
                   7733:                -- Barry Goldwater
                   7734:
                   7735: I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
                   7736:                -- Barry Goldwater
                   7737: %
                   7738: I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
                   7739:                -- Barry Goldwater
                   7740: %
                   7741: I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
                   7742:                -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
                   7743:                   suggestion that all good Christians should be against
                   7744:                   Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
                   7745: %
                   7746: I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
                   7747: than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
                   7748:                -- Frank Zappa
                   7749: %
                   7750: I think the Mormon prophet
                   7751: Was a very funny man.
                   7752: I wonder how his wives enjoyed
                   7753: His Prophet Sharing Plan.
                   7754: %
                   7755: I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
                   7756:                -- Strange de Jim
                   7757: %
                   7758: I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces.  What a lot we
                   7759: had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
                   7760: dung of long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
                   7761: from the past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle
                   7762: Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
                   7763: with the faeces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for
                   7764: them:  the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
                   7765: an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
                   7766: of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for the material so near
                   7767: to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
                   7768: What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
                   7769: Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
                   7770: the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
                   7771: of an Untenured Professor?
                   7772:                -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
                   7773: %
                   7774: I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
                   7775:                -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
                   7776: %
                   7777: I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
                   7778:                -- Dudley Moore
                   7779: %
                   7780: I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
                   7781: %
                   7782: I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
                   7783: I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
                   7784:                -- Firesign Theatre
                   7785: %
                   7786: I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
                   7787: %
                   7788: I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
                   7789: by a Greek cab-driver.  He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
                   7790: about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
                   7791:        "See the entrance to that church over there?  I built that with my
                   7792: two sons.  But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'?  Do they hell!"
                   7793:        As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam?  Four of us built that
                   7794: dam by ourselves!  But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?'  Hell, no!"
                   7795:        As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
                   7796: that house?  I built that for my wife with my own two hands!  But do they
                   7797: call me `Dimitri the home builder'?  No!  But just one little sheep!"
                   7798: %
                   7799: "I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
                   7800: grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up
                   7801: and stuck it in my back."
                   7802:        "What did you do?"
                   7803:        "What *could* I do?  I married his daughter."
                   7804: %
                   7805: I went to a wild party last night.  I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
                   7806: a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around six girls and one
                   7807: of them had V.D.
                   7808:                -- Rodney Dangerfield
                   7809: %
                   7810: I wish I was a fascinating lady
                   7811: With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
                   7812: I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
                   7813: I'd live in a house with a little red light
                   7814: And once a month I'd take a small vacation
                   7815: And leave all the men to their imagination
                   7816: And once in a while I'd go all wild
                   7817: And have myself an illegitimate child
                   7818: I wish I were a fascinating lady
                   7819: Instead I'm the minister's child
                   7820: %
                   7821: I wish that my room had a floor;
                   7822: I don't so much care for a door,
                   7823:        But this walking around
                   7824:        Without touching the ground
                   7825: Is getting to be quite a bore!
                   7826:                -- Gelett Burgess
                   7827: %
                   7828: I wish that my room had a floor;
                   7829: I don't so much care for a door,
                   7830:        But this walking around
                   7831:        Without touching the ground
                   7832: Is getting to be quite a bore!
                   7833:                -- Gelett Burgess
                   7834: %
                   7835: I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
                   7836: Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
                   7837:        I wonder can she tell
                   7838:        That I've been raising hell;
                   7839: Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
                   7840:
                   7841: My wife is just as nice as can be,
                   7842: I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
                   7843:        For an afternoon of joy,
                   7844:        Is hell on the old boy,
                   7845: I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
                   7846: %
                   7847: I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
                   7848: I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
                   7849:        She said it was crude
                   7850:        To be wooed in the nude--
                   7851: I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
                   7852: %
                   7853: I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
                   7854: I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
                   7855:        And in all my lewd life
                   7856:        I've met none like your wife,
                   7857: So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
                   7858: %
                   7859: I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
                   7860: %
                   7861: I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
                   7862: having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
                   7863:                -- R. Geis
                   7864: %
                   7865: I'd like to give the world a hug
                   7866: And tell it jokes and stuff
                   7867: And pull its pants down to its knees
                   7868: And chase it through the rough
                   7869:
                   7870: Then tie it up with bonds and straps
                   7871: And search its purse for change
                   7872: Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
                   7873: With our cousin who's deranged ...
                   7874:                -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
                   7875: %
                   7876: I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
                   7877: %
                   7878: "I'd like to start a new religion.  One that doesn't use a dead young
                   7879: man as its logo."
                   7880:                -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
                   7881: %
                   7882: I'd rather have fingers than toes,
                   7883: I'd rather have ears than a nose,
                   7884:        And a happy erection
                   7885:        Brought just to perfection
                   7886: Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
                   7887: %
                   7888: I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
                   7889: %
                   7890: If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
                   7891: does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
                   7892: %
                   7893: If continence causes neurosis
                   7894: And intercourse causes thrombosis
                   7895:        I'd rather expire
                   7896:        Fulfilling desire
                   7897: Than live in a state of psychosis.
                   7898: %
                   7899: If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
                   7900: %
                   7901: If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
                   7902: He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
                   7903: %
                   7904: If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
                   7905: %
                   7906: If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
                   7907:                -- Malcolm Bradbury
                   7908: %
                   7909: If God had wanted people to give blow
                   7910: jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
                   7911: %
                   7912: If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
                   7913: would He have made it look like a taco?
                   7914: %
                   7915: If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
                   7916: %
                   7917: If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
                   7918:                -- George Carlin
                   7919: %
                   7920: If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
                   7921: In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
                   7922: If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
                   7923: I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
                   7924: If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
                   7925: Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
                   7926: I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
                   7927: I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
                   7928:
                   7929: I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
                   7930: I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
                   7931: I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
                   7932: I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
                   7933: If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
                   7934: Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
                   7935: I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
                   7936: Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
                   7937: [Chorus]
                   7938:        A penis to plunder, a penis to push
                   7939:        'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
                   7940:        A penis to love me, a penis to share,
                   7941:        To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
                   7942:                -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
                   7943: %
                   7944: If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
                   7945:                -- Tommy Earl Bruner
                   7946: %
                   7947: If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
                   7948:                -- Rodney Dangerfield
                   7949: %
                   7950: If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
                   7951: %
                   7952: If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
                   7953: carpenter.
                   7954:                -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
                   7955: %
                   7956: If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
                   7957: to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
                   7958: the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty*
                   7959: pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
                   7960: lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets
                   7961: lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
                   7962: think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
                   7963: Net Mail ...
                   7964:                -- Casey Leedom
                   7965: %
                   7966: If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
                   7967: %
                   7968: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
                   7969: %
                   7970: If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
                   7971: %
                   7972: If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
                   7973: masturbate.
                   7974:                -- Diogenes the Cynic
                   7975: %
                   7976: If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
                   7977:                -- Mel Brooks
                   7978: %
                   7979: If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
                   7980: %
                   7981: If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
                   7982: suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is
                   7983: only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
                   7984: in 1966, only two went back to women.
                   7985:                -- Mort Sahl
                   7986: %
                   7987: If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
                   7988: If they can, then fuck 'em.
                   7989: %
                   7990: If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
                   7991: If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
                   7992: %
                   7993: If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
                   7994: %
                   7995: If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
                   7996: %
                   7997: If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
                   7998: %
                   7999: If you find for your verse there's no call,
                   8000: And you can't afford paper at all,
                   8001:        For the true poet born,
                   8002:        However forlorn,
                   8003: There is always the lavat'ry wall.
                   8004: %
                   8005: If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
                   8006:                -- Lenny Bruce
                   8007: %
                   8008: If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
                   8009: %
                   8010: If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
                   8011: Employ first-order predicate calculus.
                   8012:        With sufficient formality,
                   8013:        The sheerest banality,
                   8014: Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
                   8015: %
                   8016: If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
                   8017: abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
                   8018: %
                   8019: If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
                   8020: town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning.  Because you're
                   8021: screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
                   8022: ... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
                   8023: night.
                   8024:                -- Lenny Bruce
                   8025: %
                   8026: If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
                   8027: in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
                   8028: friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
                   8029: like one or the other of you planned.
                   8030: %
                   8031: If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
                   8032: when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
                   8033: %
                   8034: If you're speaking of actions immoral
                   8035: The how about giving the laurel
                   8036:        To doughty Queen Esther,
                   8037:        No three men could best her --
                   8038: One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
                   8039: %
                   8040: Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
                   8041: D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
                   8042:        Il la mene chaque soir
                   8043:        A son caveau noir
                   8044: Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
                   8045:                -- Edward Gorey
                   8046: %
                   8047: Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
                   8048: Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
                   8049:        Il dit:"quant a' moi,
                   8050:        Je deteste tous les trois,
                   8051: Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
                   8052: %
                   8053: Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
                   8054: Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
                   8055:        Dit-elle, "Arretez!
                   8056:        J'entends quelqu'un venait."
                   8057: Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
                   8058: %
                   8059: Il y avait une madame de Lahore
                   8060: Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
                   8061:        Mais la vagine tres forte,
                   8062:        Toujours ouverte la porte,
                   8063: Encore, et encore, et encore.
                   8064: %
                   8065: "I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
                   8066: doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
                   8067:        "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
                   8068: out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
                   8069: always does.  So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters.  When I sat
                   8070: down again, she kicked me like she always does.  So I tied her leg to the
                   8071: side of the stall.  When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
                   8072: aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall.  And I'll
                   8073: tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
                   8074: gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
                   8075: %
                   8076: I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
                   8077:                -- Rodney Dangerfield
                   8078: %
                   8079: I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
                   8080:                -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
                   8081: %
                   8082: I'm a lover not a dancer!
                   8083: I'm a lover not a dancer!
                   8084: Don't want to be on my feet,
                   8085: When I can be on my back,
                   8086: Don't want to be on the floor,
                   8087: When I can be in the sack!
                   8088: I'm a lover not a dancer!
                   8089: I'm a lover not a dancer!
                   8090: I'm just a little bit tired
                   8091: If you know what I mean,
                   8092: Don't want to be in a crowd
                   8093: When I can be in a dream!
                   8094: I'm a lover not a dancer!
                   8095: Baby!
                   8096: And, baby, let me prove it to you,
                   8097: Baby, let me prove it to you!
                   8098:                -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
                   8099: %
                   8100: I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
                   8101:                -- Martin Cruz Smith
                   8102: %
                   8103: I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
                   8104:                -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
                   8105:                   in the shade.
                   8106:
                   8107: Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
                   8108: dropped.
                   8109:                -- Franklyn Ajaye
                   8110: %
                   8111: I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
                   8112: it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
                   8113: government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
                   8114:                -- Groucho Marx
                   8115: %
                   8116: I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.  Eddie Cantor's
                   8117: goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is Jewish.  Marine Corps
                   8118: -- heavy goyish, dangerous.  Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are
                   8119: goyish.  Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
                   8120: Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are
                   8121: very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is goyish.  Lime soda is
                   8122: very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
                   8123:                -- Lenny Bruce
                   8124: %
                   8125: I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
                   8126:                -- J.F. Kennedy
                   8127: %
                   8128: I'm not a pheasant plucker,
                   8129: I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
                   8130: I'm just a'plucking pheasants
                   8131: 'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
                   8132:                -- The Irish Rovers
                   8133: %
                   8134: "I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway."
                   8135:                -- NPR
                   8136: %
                   8137: I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
                   8138:                -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
                   8139: %
                   8140: I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
                   8141:                -- Song title by Stephen Bishop.
                   8142:
                   8143: She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
                   8144:                -- Song title by Jerry Reed.
                   8145:
                   8146: When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
                   8147:                -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.
                   8148:
                   8149: I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
                   8150:                -- Unattributed song title.
                   8151:
                   8152: Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
                   8153:                -- Unattributed song title.
                   8154: %
                   8155: I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail.  I tried to change my
                   8156: girlfriend's name.  Yeah, I went down to the hall of records.  I said, "I'd
                   8157: like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
                   8158:                -- Sam Kinison
                   8159: %
                   8160: I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
                   8161:
                   8162: Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
                   8163:        I'm getting WARM....
                   8164:
                   8165: I am getting there, oh yes,.  Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
                   8166:        ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
                   8167:
                   8168: Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
                   8169: couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
                   8170: %
                   8171: Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
                   8172: Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
                   8173: David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
                   8174: And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
                   8175: There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
                   8176: Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
                   8177:
                   8178: John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
                   8179: On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
                   8180: Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
                   8181: Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
                   8182: Hobbes was fond of his dram,
                   8183: And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
                   8184: Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
                   8185: A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
                   8186:                -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
                   8187: %
                   8188: impotent loser, n:
                   8189:        Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
                   8190: %
                   8191: In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
                   8192: what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
                   8193: Finally they decide:
                   8194:        "Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us
                   8195: bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
                   8196: Finally a telegram comes back:
                   8197:        "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
                   8198: %
                   8199: In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
                   8200: chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
                   8201: principal factor.  The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
                   8202: sucked into it.
                   8203: %
                   8204: In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
                   8205: Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
                   8206:        His wife said, "Oh, stuff
                   8207:        That philosophy guff
                   8208: Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
                   8209: %
                   8210: In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
                   8211: Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
                   8212: with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
                   8213: Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
                   8214: soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
                   8215:                -- Firesign Theatre
                   8216: %
                   8217: In days of old, when knights were bold,
                   8218:        And rubbers weren't invented,
                   8219: They tied their socks around their cocks
                   8220:        And babies were prevented.
                   8221: %
                   8222: In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
                   8223: Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
                   8224:        But this lubricant lapse
                   8225:        Isn't noticed, perhaps
                   8226: Because nobody does in Duluth.
                   8227: %
                   8228: In France they piss on Main Street
                   8229: (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
                   8230:                -- Joni Mitchell
                   8231: %
                   8232: In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
                   8233: its magazine, for married men.  Every month it has the same centerfold.
                   8234: %
                   8235: In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
                   8236: Was the first time I ever laid down,
                   8237:        I was both proud and shy
                   8238:        As he opened his fly
                   8239: And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
                   8240:
                   8241: Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
                   8242: As it went in I made not a sound,
                   8243:        The more that he shoved it
                   8244:        The more that I loved it,
                   8245: As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
                   8246: %
                   8247: In my sweet little night gown of blue,
                   8248: On the first night that I slept with you,
                   8249:        I was both shy and scared
                   8250:        As the bed was prepared,
                   8251: And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
                   8252:
                   8253: As we both watched the break of day,
                   8254: And in peaceful submission I lay,
                   8255:        You said you adored it
                   8256:        But dammit, you tore it,
                   8257: My sweet little night gown of blue.
                   8258: %
                   8259: In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
                   8260: %
                   8261: In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
                   8262: he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
                   8263: has not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off the record, God has stated
                   8264: that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
                   8265: ago."
                   8266:                -- Dennis Miller, SNL News
                   8267: %
                   8268: In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was without form.
                   8269: And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So they spake unto
                   8270: their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
                   8271:
                   8272: And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
                   8273: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
                   8274: Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
                   8275: "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
                   8276: may abide before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
                   8277: spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
                   8278: of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
                   8279:
                   8280: And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
                   8281: Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
                   8282: very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
                   8283: Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
                   8284: growth of the Laboratories."
                   8285:
                   8286: And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
                   8287: %
                   8288: In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
                   8289: beauty and delicacy.  A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
                   8290: evening, who took him to her apartment.  They made delicious love all
                   8291: evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms.  In the morning
                   8292: the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror.  The lady lay in her
                   8293: bed watching him.  Finally, she said softly,
                   8294:        "Didn't you forget something?"
                   8295:        "What did I forget?" asked the officer.
                   8296:        "You forgot about the money," said the lady.
                   8297:        "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
                   8298: "A Polish officer never accepts money."
                   8299: %
                   8300: In the shade of the old apple tree
                   8301: Where between her fat legs I could see
                   8302:        A little brown spot
                   8303:        With the hair in a knot,
                   8304: And it certainly looked good to me.
                   8305:
                   8306: I asked as I tickled her tit
                   8307: If she thought that my big thing would fit.
                   8308:        She said it would do
                   8309:        So we had a good screw          In the shade of the old apple tree
                   8310: In the shade of the old apple tree.    I got all that was coming to me.
                   8311:                                                In the soft dewy grass
                   8312: I could hear the dull buzz of the bee          I had a fine piece of ass
                   8313: As he sunk his grub hooks into me.     From a maiden that was fine to see.
                   8314:        Her ass it was fine
                   8315:        But you should have seen mine
                   8316: In the shade of the old apple tree.
                   8317: %
                   8318: In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
                   8319: kissing on every pitch.  He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
                   8320: kissing him on the balls.
                   8321:                -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
                   8322: %
                   8323: Incest, n:
                   8324:        Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
                   8325: %
                   8326: Infatuation, n:
                   8327:        When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
                   8328:        When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
                   8329: %
                   8330: Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
                   8331: is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
                   8332: %
                   8333: ====================
                   8334: Inter-Dwarf Memo
                   8335: To: Dwarf-list
                   8336: From: Doc
                   8337: Re: S. White
                   8338:
                   8339:        If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
                   8340: her.   I'll give her apples, nice big apples.  With surprises inside. Yeah,
                   8341: surprises.
                   8342: %
                   8343: ====================
                   8344: Inter-Dwarf Memo
                   8345: To: Dwarf-list
                   8346: From: Happy
                   8347: Re: S. White
                   8348:
                   8349:        Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
                   8350: more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off.  Have a nice day.
                   8351: %
                   8352: Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf.  Since
                   8353: the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
                   8354: cardinals to ask their advice.  "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
                   8355: a cardinal and let him play in your place.  Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
                   8356:        Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
                   8357: When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done.  "I came
                   8358: in second," Palmer replied.
                   8359:        "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
                   8360:        "No, Your Holiness.  Rabbi Nicklaus did."
                   8361: %
                   8362: It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
                   8363: classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
                   8364: %
                   8365: It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
                   8366: it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
                   8367: into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
                   8368:                -- Voltaire
                   8369: %
                   8370: It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
                   8371: %
                   8372: It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
                   8373: %
                   8374: It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
                   8375: general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
                   8376: %
                   8377: It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
                   8378: %
                   8379: It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
                   8380: Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
                   8381: half are doing it.
                   8382:                -- Winston Churchill
                   8383: %
                   8384: It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
                   8385: damn thing over and over.
                   8386:                -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
                   8387: %
                   8388: It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
                   8389: You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
                   8390: %
                   8391: It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
                   8392: to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
                   8393:                -- Voltaire
                   8394: %
                   8395: It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
                   8396: could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
                   8397: broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
                   8398:                -- Schopenhauer
                   8399: %
                   8400: It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
                   8401: war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
                   8402: teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."  He asked a nurse
                   8403: to fetch him a sample of urine.  He then talked at length about Diabetes
                   8404: mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
                   8405: the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
                   8406: means sweet as honey.  Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
                   8407: of a diabetic ..."
                   8408:        By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
                   8409: registrar promptly held up like a trophy.  We stared at that straw-colored
                   8410: fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.  The registrar then
                   8411: startled us.  He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
                   8412: finger with the tip of his tongue.  As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
                   8413: his lips rapidly.  Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar?  The sample
                   8414: was passed on to us for an opinion.  We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
                   8415: all of us foolishly licked that finger.
                   8416:        "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
                   8417: principle of diagnosis.  I mean the power of observation."  We were baffled.
                   8418: We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
                   8419: anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
                   8420: continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
                   8421: licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
                   8422: %
                   8423: It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
                   8424: if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
                   8425: Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
                   8426: but there's just no way for us to know it.
                   8427:                -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
                   8428: %
                   8429: It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
                   8430: %
                   8431: It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
                   8432: very unfortunate place to have it.
                   8433:                -- Malcolm Muggeridge
                   8434: %
                   8435: It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
                   8436: sunny afternoon.  All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
                   8437: of the lake.  After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
                   8438: "nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore.  In
                   8439: a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
                   8440:        The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
                   8441: the apparent miracle.
                   8442:        A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
                   8443: moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
                   8444: later came back.
                   8445:        By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
                   8446: beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
                   8447: teachings.  But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
                   8448: AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
                   8449: they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
                   8450:        The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
                   8451: shore.  He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
                   8452: lake.  While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
                   8453: the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
                   8454: rocks are?"
                   8455: %
                   8456: It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar.  The Scot
                   8457: immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
                   8458: on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best.  The next
                   8459: day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
                   8460: %
                   8461: It seems that John gets this phone call:
                   8462:        "Hello," he answers.  The voice on the other end of the line
                   8463: is hard and cold.
                   8464:        "This is Susan," he hears.  "We met at a party a few months
                   8465: ago.
                   8466:        "Of course, Susan!", John replies.  "How are you?"
                   8467:        "Not very well.  Remember how after the party you took me home and
                   8468: we parked?  And you told me that I was a 'good sport'?  Well, I'm pregnant
                   8469: and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
                   8470:        John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts.  "Well,"
                   8471: he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
                   8472: %
                   8473: It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions.  He
                   8474: was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released.  Being
                   8475: a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
                   8476: forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
                   8477: from eating him for its breakfast.  Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
                   8478: but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
                   8479: Christian took off too.  There they were, running around and around the arena,
                   8480: the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
                   8481: gasps for breath.  The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
                   8482: even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet.  So he
                   8483: pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
                   8484: he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
                   8485: forsaking all temptation and possessions.  Suddenly he no longer felt the
                   8486: lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
                   8487: Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
                   8488: upward, paws held together.  The lion appeared to be muttering something so
                   8489: the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
                   8490:        "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
                   8491: %
                   8492: It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
                   8493: Especially in a paternity hearing.
                   8494: %
                   8495: It takes leather balls to play rugby.
                   8496:        (Blood makes the grass grow!)
                   8497: %
                   8498: It takes little strain and no art
                   8499: To bang out an echoing fart.
                   8500:        The reaction is hearty
                   8501:        When you fart at a party,
                   8502: But the sensitive persons depart.
                   8503: %
                   8504: It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
                   8505: They can kiss that shit goodbye.
                   8506: %
                   8507: It was a female that drove me to drink
                   8508: and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
                   8509:                -- R.E. Baber
                   8510: %
                   8511: It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
                   8512: They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
                   8513: the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.  "That gorilla is getting
                   8514: excited just looking at your tits," he said.  "Why don't you take your blouse
                   8515: off and we'll see what he does?"
                   8516:        At first she refused.  But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
                   8517: off her blouse and bra.  The gorilla went nuts.  He started grunting and
                   8518: jumping up and down.
                   8519:        "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.  Take off all
                   8520: your clothes and we'll see what he does."
                   8521:        Again she said no and again he persuaded her.  This time the ape
                   8522: really went bananas!  He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
                   8523: in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.  The husband went over to
                   8524: the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
                   8525:        "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
                   8526: %
                   8527: It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
                   8528: frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
                   8529: bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
                   8530:        "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
                   8531: answered sternly.
                   8532:        "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
                   8533:        The bartender approached the female in question.  "The, uh, gentleman
                   8534: at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss.  What would
                   8535: you like?"
                   8536:        "Vinegar and water."
                   8537: %
                   8538: It was April the 41st,
                   8539: Being a quadruple leap year.
                   8540: I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
                   8541: My Barracuda was in the shop,
                   8542: So I was in a rented stingray
                   8543:        -- and it was over-heating.
                   8544: So, I pulled into a Shell station.
                   8545: They said I'd blown a seal.
                   8546: I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
                   8547:        life out of it, okay pal?"
                   8548:                -- Wet Dreams
                   8549: %
                   8550: It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
                   8551: gathered for the ball.  A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
                   8552: line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
                   8553: Turning to  another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
                   8554: they beautiful?"
                   8555:        "Just fair," was the answer.
                   8556:        "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
                   8557: asked his opinion.
                   8558:        "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
                   8559: about."
                   8560:        "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.  "Now
                   8561: you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
                   8562:        "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
                   8563: I'm a tit mouse myself."
                   8564: %
                   8565: It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
                   8566: "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.  It's all like a wonderful
                   8567: dream!"
                   8568:        Her husband didn't answer.  A few moments passed.  She sighed again
                   8569: and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
                   8570:        Still no response from her spouse.  Another pause and another
                   8571: sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
                   8572: wife."
                   8573:        "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
                   8574: you will!"
                   8575: %
                   8576: It was his third marriage and her fourth.  He was quite surprised when on
                   8577: their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
                   8578:        "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin?  You've been
                   8579: married three times."
                   8580:        "Yes, but they all worked for DEC.  The first was a salesman,
                   8581: and all he ever did was promise how good it would be.  The second was one
                   8582: of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself.  And the
                   8583: third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
                   8584: would be up in 15 minutes.
                   8585: %
                   8586: It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
                   8587: trappings.  The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
                   8588: knitting needles.  The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
                   8589: in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
                   8590: Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker.  Jane climbed up on
                   8591: the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
                   8592:        "Tell us a story," begged Mary.
                   8593:        "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
                   8594: her arms around the children.  "What story should I tell you?"
                   8595:        "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
                   8596: "About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
                   8597: %
                   8598: It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
                   8599: not doing it.  That was one thing I kept to myself.  I've never spoken or
                   8600: written of it until just now, today.  And I have to tell you that it seems
                   8601: a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential.  But for me it was
                   8602: the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
                   8603: myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
                   8604: my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
                   8605: where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
                   8606: was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
                   8607: our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
                   8608: oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died.  I
                   8609: would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
                   8610: her ears, the white flash of her tail.  But eight hundred million Red Chinese
                   8611: don't give a shit, right?  The most important things are the hardest to say,
                   8612: because words diminish them.  It's hard to make strangers care about the
                   8613: good things in your life.
                   8614:                -- Stephen King, "The Body"
                   8615: %
                   8616: It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
                   8617: was learning his way around the campus.  Stopping a distinguished looking
                   8618: upperclassman, he inquired,
                   8619:        "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
                   8620:        "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
                   8621: sentences with a preposition."
                   8622:        "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
                   8623: is at, asshole?"
                   8624: %
                   8625: It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
                   8626: huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous.  At lights-out, the inmate
                   8627: jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
                   8628: have sex!  You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
                   8629:        A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
                   8630: I'll be the Daddy."
                   8631:        "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
                   8632: %
                   8633: It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean.  It's not listening, you know
                   8634: what I mean.
                   8635:                -- David Crosby
                   8636: %
                   8637: It's a bitch being butch.
                   8638: %
                   8639: It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
                   8640: on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
                   8641: %
                   8642: It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
                   8643: I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
                   8644:                -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
                   8645:                   of older women versus younger women
                   8646: %
                   8647: "It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
                   8648: in the wee, small hours.  "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
                   8649: soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
                   8650: %
                   8651: It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
                   8652:                -- Joan Rivers
                   8653: %
                   8654: It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
                   8655: %
                   8656: It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
                   8657: %
                   8658: It's midnight.  The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
                   8659: 20-year-old son comes in.
                   8660:
                   8661:        "Whatta you mean?  You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
                   8662: bums.  Whatta you trying to do?"
                   8663:        "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
                   8664:        "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that?  You no work, you
                   8665: chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
                   8666:        "Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
                   8667:        "Don'ta talka like that?  Whatta you mean?  Why shouldn't I talka
                   8668: likka that?"
                   8669:        "Papa, we're not Italian."
                   8670: %
                   8671: It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
                   8672:                -- Sean O'Huiginn
                   8673: %
                   8674: It's not pretty being easy.
                   8675: %
                   8676: It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
                   8677: %
                   8678: It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
                   8679: %
                   8680: It's the sighs that count.
                   8681: %
                   8682: I've been feeling kind of jealous,
                   8683: Of all them well-hung fellas,
                   8684: Like Michael, Rod, and Mick.           It would have to be a big one,
                   8685: Tell me, Doctor can you mend me?       A giant, horny love gun,
                   8686: I've a case of penis envy --           To let me be a jock.
                   8687: If I only had a dick.                  Girls would never beg my pardon,
                   8688:                                        They would turn on to my hardon --
                   8689:                                        If I only had a cock.
                   8690: Oh, I can tell you now,
                   8691: The number of times I'd score,
                   8692: I could fuck girls like                        I would not be just a housewife,
                   8693:        I never have before,            Living a little mouse-life
                   8694: And then I'd cum (wee!)                        In days that drag out long.
                   8695: And fuck some more!                    I would dance and I'd be merry
                   8696:                                        Life would be a ding-a-derry
                   8697:                                        If I only had a dong!
                   8698:                -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
                   8699: %
                   8700: I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something
                   8701: on rather than being totally nude.  Myself, I've always felt that the lights
                   8702: were more than enough.
                   8703: %
                   8704: I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
                   8705: and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
                   8706: to leave under your tree on Christmas.  I was going to bring you all the
                   8707: gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
                   8708: The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
                   8709: the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
                   8710: maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
                   8711: weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying.  The
                   8712: four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
                   8713: in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit.  On top of all this, Mrs.
                   8714: Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
                   8715: have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
                   8716: Christmas for the fifth of February.  I'll do what I can.
                   8717:                Sincerely,
                   8718:                Santa
                   8719: %
                   8720: I've finally found the perfect girl,
                   8721: I couldn't ask for more,
                   8722: She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
                   8723: And owns a liquor store.
                   8724: %
                   8725: I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
                   8726:                -- Lyndon B. Johnson
                   8727:
                   8728: Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
                   8729:                -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
                   8730:                public toilet during a tour of the Far East
                   8731: %
                   8732: Jack an Jill went up the hill.
                   8733: Jill went down,
                   8734: Jack came.
                   8735: %
                   8736: Jack and Jill went up a hill
                   8737: To fetch a pail of water.
                   8738: Jack fell down and broke his crown     Jack on Jill produced a thrill
                   8739: And Jill came tumbling after.          When on the ground he got her,
                   8740:                                        Then went down and told the town
                   8741:                                        He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
                   8742: Jack to Jill thus did such ill
                   8743: That Jill, to pay the rotter,
                   8744: Told the town Jack's crown broke down  Jack and Jill have split the bill
                   8745: When he set out to shaft her.          Since Jack led Jill to totter.
                   8746:                                        Half the town deals Jill a frown
                   8747:                                        And half greets Jack with laughter.
                   8748: %
                   8749: Jack and Jill went up the hill
                   8750: Each had a buck and a quarter.
                   8751: Jill came down with two and a half --
                   8752: And you thought that they went for water.
                   8753: %
                   8754: Jack and Jill
                   8755: Went up the hill,
                   8756: Each had a buck and a quarter!
                   8757: Jill came down,
                   8758: With two and a half,
                   8759: You think they went for water?
                   8760: %
                   8761: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
                   8762: Jack jumped over the candle stick,
                   8763: And burnt his balls.
                   8764: %
                   8765: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
                   8766: Jack jumped over the candle stick.
                   8767: But Jack wasn't so nimble,
                   8768: Jack wasn't so quick,
                   8769: So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
                   8770: %
                   8771: Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
                   8772: %
                   8773: Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
                   8774: %
                   8775: Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
                   8776: and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
                   8777: among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
                   8778:        Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
                   8779: Jesus upside the head.  He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
                   8780: I'm trying to make a point, here!"
                   8781: %
                   8782: Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
                   8783: %
                   8784: Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
                   8785:                -- Michael O'Donohugh
                   8786: %
                   8787: Jesus Never Fails
                   8788:
                   8789: (He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
                   8790: %
                   8791: Jesus Saves!
                   8792:
                   8793: (And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
                   8794: %
                   8795: Jesus Saves,
                   8796: Moses Invests,
                   8797: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
                   8798: %
                   8799: Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
                   8800: %
                   8801: Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
                   8802:                -- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
                   8803: %
                   8804: Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
                   8805: on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
                   8806:        "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
                   8807: women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
                   8808:        "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
                   8809:        "Do we have time?" Hart asked.
                   8810:        "Do we have time?" Biden asked.
                   8811:        "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
                   8812: %
                   8813: Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
                   8814: %
                   8815: John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
                   8816: his lips to foreign soil on his arrival.  This sparked some wit to remark:
                   8817:        "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
                   8818: the women!"
                   8819: %
                   8820: Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
                   8821:        Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
                   8822:        over to the side of the road.
                   8823: %
                   8824: Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
                   8825: a prompt, type like hell.
                   8826: %
                   8827: Just go with the flow control, roll with the
                   8828: crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
                   8829: %
                   8830: Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
                   8831: blue denim.  If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
                   8832: like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim.  I don't enjoy the sky
                   8833: or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character.  If Jesus Christ
                   8834: came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
                   8835: nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim.  Then we'd get
                   8836: crucified in the morning.
                   8837:                -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
                   8838: %
                   8839: Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
                   8840: are scared and the women are grateful.
                   8841: %
                   8842: kasha, n:
                   8843:        Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only one
                   8844:        problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
                   8845:        I know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't help you
                   8846:        much.
                   8847:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
                   8848: %
                   8849: Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
                   8850:        Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
                   8851:        for the students, and parking for the faculty.
                   8852: %
                   8853: King Louis gave a lesson in class,
                   8854: One time while enjoying a lass.
                   8855:        When she used the word "Damn"
                   8856:        He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
                   8857: Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
                   8858: %
                   8859: Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
                   8860: sincere.  I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere.  As
                   8861: for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
                   8862:                -- Margaret Sangor
                   8863: %
                   8864: Kitten with a whip,    Teddy bear in chains,   Puss in leather boots,
                   8865: tail, swish swish,     spread on a bed;        rising thigh high;
                   8866: take what you will,    fantasy games,          black rubber suits;
                   8867: get what you wish.     deep in your head.      making him cry.
                   8868:
                   8869: Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot,    Teddy bear sighs;
                   8870: writhe from the pain;  from the power trip;    kitty's on top;
                   8871: but teddy bear knows,  ready or not,           there's fire in her eyes,
                   8872: that he wants it again.        next swing's from       and the cat won't stop.
                   8873:                                the hip.
                   8874:
                   8875: The world explodes,    Teddy's still tied;     Kitten with a whip,
                   8876: her claws dig in;      lying all alone;        tail, swish swish,
                   8877: then kitty cat goes,   even if he tried,       take what you will,
                   8878: cause she's through    he couldn't go home.    get what you wish.
                   8879:        with him.
                   8880:                -- Kitten With A Whip
                   8881: %
                   8882: Knowledge Engineering:
                   8883:
                   8884: A combination of:
                   8885:
                   8886: Engineering, n:
                   8887:        The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
                   8888: of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
                   8889: structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
                   8890:
                   8891: and
                   8892:
                   8893: Knowledge, n:
                   8894:        Sexual intercourse.
                   8895:
                   8896: See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
                   8897: %
                   8898: Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
                   8899: fruitful confusion.  Lorenz lived among his research subjects:  dozens of
                   8900: species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes.  He did not quantify, control,
                   8901: or consciously experiment.  He got to know each creature individually, then
                   8902: threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
                   8903: in the chaos that followed.  For example, his interest in one of ethology's
                   8904: most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
                   8905: such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
                   8906: flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment.  He had trained a free-flying
                   8907: raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
                   8908: hours one day.  He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
                   8909: meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill.  By and by, Lorenz
                   8910: went to relieve himself near a hedge.  When the raven saw him put his hand
                   8911: into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
                   8912: grasping the new mouthful in its bill.  Lorenz howled in pain.  But the event
                   8913: left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
                   8914: intention movements, that is.
                   8915:                -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
                   8916: %
                   8917: Kotex, n:
                   8918:        Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
                   8919: %
                   8920: Kumquat, n:
                   8921:        Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
                   8922:        somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
                   8923:        Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse.  In fact,
                   8924:        an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
                   8925:        sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
                   8926:        during orgasm.
                   8927:
                   8928:        Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
                   8929:        partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
                   8930: %
                   8931: Labia majora, n:
                   8932:        The curly gates.
                   8933: %
                   8934: Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
                   8935: Pro:   "Ummm, well, where?"
                   8936: Lady:  "Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
                   8937: Pro:   "That's going to real tough to treat."
                   8938: %
                   8939: lagnaf, n:
                   8940:        Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
                   8941: %
                   8942: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
                   8943: %
                   8944: "Last night,"  said a lassie named Ruth,
                   8945: "In a long-distance telephone booth,
                   8946:        I enjoyed the perfection
                   8947:        Of an ideal connection --
                   8948: I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
                   8949: %
                   8950: Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
                   8951: %
                   8952: lawyer, n:
                   8953:        Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
                   8954:        closely."
                   8955: %
                   8956: Lawyers do it to everyone.
                   8957: %
                   8958: Left a good broad by the river,
                   8959: Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
                   8960: Waited for 10 hours,
                   8961: Went back to the river,
                   8962: But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
                   8963:
                   8964: chorus:
                   8965:        Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
                   8966:        Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
                   8967:        Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
                   8968:
                   8969: If you're gonna run for office,
                   8970: And you know that it's an election year.
                   8971: Don't go in the river,
                   8972: 'Specially by way of bridges,
                   8973: It could put an end to your political career!
                   8974: (chorus)
                   8975:                -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
                   8976: %
                   8977: "Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky...  In yer country, ya got 14 million black
                   8978: people, and 3 million white people.  Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
                   8979: to you?"
                   8980:                -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
                   8981:                   Minister Botha of South Africa.
                   8982: %
                   8983: Les salons de la ville de Trieste
                   8984: Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
                   8985:        Parmi les grandes chaises
                   8986:        On cause des malaises,
                   8987: Des estropiements, et des pestes.
                   8988:                -- Edward Gorey
                   8989: %
                   8990: Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
                   8991: %
                   8992: Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
                   8993: disqualified from entering.
                   8994:        Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
                   8995:        "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
                   8996:        "I never did that," Liberace replied.  "Can't you check your records?
                   8997: They *must* be wrong!"
                   8998:        "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
                   8999: parakeet with black trim."
                   9000:        "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
                   9001: replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
                   9002: %
                   9003: LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
                   9004:        You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
                   9005: reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for
                   9006: employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are
                   9007: prostitutes.  All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
                   9008: %
                   9009: Lick-a-dee-clit!
                   9010: %
                   9011: Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
                   9012: %
                   9013: Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
                   9014: It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
                   9015: %
                   9016: Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
                   9017:                -- Rodney Dangerfield
                   9018: %
                   9019: Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
                   9020: in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
                   9021: %
                   9022: Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
                   9023: can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
                   9024: %
                   9025: Life is like a shit sandwich.  The more bread
                   9026: you have, the less shit you have to eat.
                   9027: %
                   9028: Life is not a cabaret.
                   9029: It's a fucking circus.
                   9030: %
                   9031: Life isn't a bitch.  Life is a virgin.  A bitch is easy.
                   9032: %
                   9033: Like private parts to the Gods are we,
                   9034: they play with us for their sport.
                   9035:                -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
                   9036: %
                   9037: Limericks are art forms complex,
                   9038: Their topics run chiefly to sex.
                   9039:        They usually have virgins,
                   9040:        And masculine urgin's,
                   9041: And other erotic effects.
                   9042: %
                   9043: Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
                   9044: Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
                   9045: Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
                   9046: 'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
                   9047:                -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
                   9048: %
                   9049: Lisp hackers
                   9050:        ... do it in CARS.
                   9051:        ... do it with tail recursion.
                   9052:        ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
                   9053:        ... have DEFUN while doing it.
                   9054:        ... have to be bound to do it.
                   9055:        ... have Moby dicks.
                   9056: %
                   9057: Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
                   9058: %
                   9059: Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
                   9060: %
                   9061: Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
                   9062: %
                   9063: LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
                   9064: 'little death' of French poetry.  Men occasionally do the same.  The
                   9065: experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
                   9066: cold.  A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
                   9067: with.  On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
                   9068: By then he had called the police and an ambulance.  So there is no cause
                   9069: for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
                   9070: or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
                   9071: with complete orgasm in some people.  By contrast others simply shut their
                   9072: eyes, but enjoy it no less.  Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
                   9073: to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
                   9074: intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
                   9075:                -- The Joy of Sex
                   9076: %
                   9077: Little Herbie had been blind since birth.  One day at bedtime, his mother
                   9078: told him that the next day was a very special one.  If he prayed extra
                   9079: hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.  The next
                   9080: morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
                   9081: the night before.
                   9082:        "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
                   9083:        "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
                   9084: your prayers have been answered."
                   9085: Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
                   9086:        "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
                   9087:        "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
                   9088: %
                   9089: Little Johnny with a grin,
                   9090: Drank up all of daddy's gin,
                   9091: Mother said, when he was plastered,
                   9092: Go to bed, you little love-child.
                   9093: %
                   9094: Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
                   9095: 1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
                   9096:        "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
                   9097: %
                   9098: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
                   9099: Eating her curds and whey.
                   9100: Along came a spider,
                   9101: And bit her right in the snatch.
                   9102: %
                   9103: Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
                   9104: Eating her curds and whey.
                   9105: Along came a spider,
                   9106: Who sat down beside her,
                   9107: And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
                   9108: %
                   9109: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
                   9110: Her knickers all tattered and torn.
                   9111: For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
                   9112: But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
                   9113: %
                   9114: Little Miss Muffet,
                   9115: Sat on her tuffet,
                   9116: Smoking some THC.
                   9117: Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
                   9118: And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
                   9119: %
                   9120: Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
                   9121: her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
                   9122:        "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
                   9123:        "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
                   9124: "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
                   9125: %
                   9126: Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
                   9127: When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
                   9128: raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled.  When he told his
                   9129: distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
                   9130: stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
                   9131: black hat and a red neckerchief.
                   9132:        The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
                   9133: He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
                   9134: dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
                   9135: had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
                   9136:        One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
                   9137: horse, and entered the saloon.  At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
                   9138: with a black hat and a red neckerchief!  Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
                   9139: this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
                   9140:        "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
                   9141: house and rustled my cattle?"
                   9142:        "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
                   9143:        "You better cut that shit out!"
                   9144: %
                   9145: Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
                   9146:                -- Louis B. Mayer
                   9147:
                   9148: The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
                   9149: was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
                   9150:                -- Samuel Goldwyn
                   9151: %
                   9152: Love comes in spurts.
                   9153: %
                   9154: Love comes in spurts.
                   9155:        --Devo, "Please Please"
                   9156: %
                   9157: Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
                   9158:                -- James Thurber
                   9159: %
                   9160: Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
                   9161: %
                   9162: Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
                   9163: %
                   9164: Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
                   9165: twang of a bedspring.
                   9166:                -- S.J. Perelman
                   9167: %
                   9168: Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
                   9169:                -- Johnny Rotten
                   9170: %
                   9171: Love letters no longer they write us,
                   9172: To their homes they so seldom invite us.
                   9173:        It grieves me to say,
                   9174:        They have learned with dismay,
                   9175: We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
                   9176: %
                   9177: Luser, n:
                   9178:        Someone who picks up a female
                   9179:        hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
                   9180: %
                   9181: Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
                   9182: %
                   9183: Macho, adj:
                   9184:        Jogging home from a vasectomy.
                   9185: %
                   9186: Male, n:
                   9187:        Life support system for a cock.
                   9188: %
                   9189: Man in stall:
                   9190:        Hey, buddy?  Is there any toilet paper out there?
                   9191: Man at sink:
                   9192:        No, I don't see any.  Just a second...  Nope, none in
                   9193:        any of the other stalls either.
                   9194: A minute passes.
                   9195: Man in stall:
                   9196:        Say, buddy?
                   9197: Man at sink:
                   9198:        Yeah?
                   9199: Man in stall:
                   9200:        You got change for a ten?
                   9201: %
                   9202: Man who dance in crowded ballroom
                   9203: dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
                   9204: %
                   9205: Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
                   9206: %
                   9207: Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
                   9208: Some say not even indecent.
                   9209: But if you lust,
                   9210: It's a must!
                   9211: %
                   9212: Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
                   9213: %
                   9214: Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
                   9215: because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
                   9216: satisfaction of his death.
                   9217:                -- Brendan Francis
                   9218: %
                   9219: Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
                   9220: not have chosen a suit by it.
                   9221:                -- Maurice Chevalier
                   9222: %
                   9223: Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
                   9224: whole girl.
                   9225:                -- Stephen Leacock
                   9226: %
                   9227: Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
                   9228: a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
                   9229: %
                   9230: Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
                   9231: is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
                   9232:                -- Edward Gibbon
                   9233: %
                   9234: Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
                   9235: But she can never catch him at it.
                   9236: %
                   9237: Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
                   9238: %
                   9239: Many nice things suck.
                   9240: %
                   9241: Marijuana is like Coors beer.  If you could buy the damn stuff
                   9242: at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
                   9243:                -- Billy Carter
                   9244: %
                   9245: Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
                   9246: She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
                   9247:        If you want to get laid,
                   9248:        Then we'll have to tribade!"
                   9249: (But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
                   9250: %
                   9251: Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
                   9252:                -- Peter De Vries
                   9253: %
                   9254: Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out,
                   9255: you lose interest.
                   9256:                -- Professor Irwin Corey
                   9257: %
                   9258: Mary had a little lamb,
                   9259: It's fleece as white as snow.
                   9260: It followed her to school one day,
                   9261: And got fucked by a big black dog.
                   9262: %
                   9263: Mary had a little lamb,
                   9264: She kept it in a bucket.
                   9265: And every time she let it out,
                   9266: The bulldog used to
                   9267: Chase it around the garden.
                   9268: %
                   9269: Mary had a little lamb,
                   9270: The lamb turned out to be a ram,
                   9271: Now Mary has a little lamb.
                   9272: %
                   9273: Mary had a little sheep,
                   9274: And with the sheep she went to sleep,
                   9275: The sheep turned out to be a ram,
                   9276: And Mary had a little lamb.
                   9277: %
                   9278: Mary had a little watch;
                   9279: She swallowed it one day.
                   9280: And so she took some Ex-Lax
                   9281: To pass the time away.
                   9282:
                   9283: But when she took the Ex-Lax
                   9284: The time it did not pass.
                   9285: So when you want to know the time,
                   9286: Just look up Mary's ...
                   9287:                Uncle, he has a watch, too.
                   9288: %
                   9289: Masturbation!  The amazing availability of it!
                   9290:                -- James Joyce
                   9291: %
                   9292: masturbation, n:
                   9293:        A self-service elevator.
                   9294: %
                   9295: masturbation, n:
                   9296:        Coming unscrewed.
                   9297: %
                   9298: Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
                   9299: %
                   9300: Mathematicians
                   9301:        ... do it in groups.
                   9302:        ... do it in theory.
                   9303:        ... take it to the limit.
                   9304: %
                   9305: Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
                   9306: %
                   9307: Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
                   9308: described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
                   9309:                -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
                   9310: %
                   9311: May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
                   9312: take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
                   9313: %
                   9314: May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
                   9315: %
                   9316: May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
                   9317: %
                   9318: May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
                   9319: %
                   9320: Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
                   9321: opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
                   9322: %
                   9323: McCoy's a seducer galore,
                   9324: And of virgins he has quite a score.
                   9325:        He tells them, "My dear,
                   9326:        You're the Final Frontier,
                   9327: Where man never has gone before."
                   9328: %
                   9329: McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
                   9330:        If an item is advertised as "under $50",
                   9331:        you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
                   9332: %
                   9333: McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
                   9334: the passengers who were injured.
                   9335:        "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
                   9336: the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour.  What did you
                   9337: think when you saw this happen ?"
                   9338:        I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
                   9339: a railroad."
                   9340: %
                   9341: Me father makes book on the corner,
                   9342: Me mother makes second hand gin,
                   9343: Me sister makes love for a dollar,
                   9344: And that's how the money rolls in!
                   9345:
                   9346:        Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
                   9347:                (Rolls in!)
                   9348:        Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
                   9349:
                   9350: Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
                   9351: Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
                   9352: Me sister performs the abortions,
                   9353: And that's how the money rolls in!
                   9354:
                   9355: Me uncle's a poor missionary,
                   9356: He saves fallen women from sin.
                   9357: He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
                   9358: And that's how the money rolls in.
                   9359: %
                   9360: Me, I love the rich.  *Somebody* has to love them.  Sure, a lot
                   9361: of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
                   9362: are assholes too.  And an asshole with money can at least pay
                   9363: for his own drinks.
                   9364:                -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
                   9365: %
                   9366: Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
                   9367: %
                   9368: Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
                   9369: they jus' kept on a-comin'.  Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
                   9370: And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
                   9371: as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
                   9372: %
                   9373: Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
                   9374: Afflicted with psychotic warps.
                   9375:        His idea of fun
                   9376:        Is to bugger a nun,
                   9377: And then vomit all over the corpse.
                   9378: %
                   9379: Megaton Man:   "LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
                   9380:                ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
                   9381:
                   9382: (from below):  "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
                   9383:
                   9384: Megaton Man:   "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
                   9385: %
                   9386: Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
                   9387: 'em by the curb when you're done.
                   9388: %
                   9389: Men have many faults,
                   9390:        Women only two:
                   9391: Everything they say,
                   9392:        And everything they do!
                   9393: %
                   9394: Men will fuck mud.
                   9395:                -- Lenny Bruce
                   9396: %
                   9397: menage a trois, n:
                   9398:        Using both hands to masturbate.
                   9399: %
                   9400: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.  Women's magazines
                   9401: also often feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because the female
                   9402: body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
                   9403: should not be seen by the light of day.
                   9404:                -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
                   9405: %
                   9406: Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and it
                   9407: has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
                   9408: closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
                   9409: the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
                   9410:
                   9411:        [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
                   9412:         world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
                   9413:         next few square feet of the woman's skin.  Thank you.]
                   9414:
                   9415: ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
                   9416: cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
                   9417: billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even more
                   9418: interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a fact.  Your
                   9419: skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
                   9420: who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
                   9421: views, are constantly being shoved  out the  window head first, without  so
                   9422: much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
                   9423:                -- Dave Barry
                   9424: %
                   9425: Meteorologist, n:
                   9426:        A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
                   9427: %
                   9428: Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
                   9429: the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse.  A few days later Mickey meets
                   9430: with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
                   9431:
                   9432: Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
                   9433: Mickey  : Oh?
                   9434: Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
                   9435: Mickey  : Idiot!  I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
                   9436:                fuckin' Goofy.
                   9437: %
                   9438: Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
                   9439: wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
                   9440: %
                   9441: "Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
                   9442: testicles for a bet...  God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
                   9443:                -- Ripping Yarns
                   9444: %
                   9445: Missed the train at the railway station
                   9446: Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
                   9447: Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
                   9448: She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
                   9449: %
                   9450: Missionary position:
                   9451:        The missionary on top.
                   9452: %
                   9453: Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
                   9454: How does your garden grow?
                   9455: With silver bells and cockle shells,
                   9456: And one really fucked-up petunia.
                   9457: %
                   9458: Mistress, n:
                   9459:        Something between a mister and a mattress.
                   9460: %
                   9461: mixed emotions:
                   9462:        Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
                   9463:        in your brand new Mercedes.
                   9464: %
                   9465: Montana:
                   9466:        Where men are men and women are sheep.
                   9467: %
                   9468: Moody bitch in search of...
                   9469:        kind, considerate, loving man.  Objective, love-hate relationship.
                   9470: %
                   9471: Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
                   9472: good-looking guy to dump on.
                   9473: %
                   9474: Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago.  He was only a few
                   9475: blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
                   9476: tickets on his bureau top.  He returned and quietly entered the house.
                   9477: His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
                   9478: the breakfast dishes.  She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
                   9479: her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
                   9480:        "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
                   9481: for breakfast tomorrow."
                   9482: %
                   9483: Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss
                   9484: out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
                   9485: %
                   9486: Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
                   9487: %
                   9488: Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
                   9489:                -- Frank Zappa
                   9490: %
                   9491: Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
                   9492: to be otherwise.
                   9493:                -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
                   9494: %
                   9495: Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
                   9496: %
                   9497: Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
                   9498:        Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
                   9499:        it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
                   9500: %
                   9501: Moustache rides, 50 cents.
                   9502: %
                   9503: Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
                   9504: %
                   9505: Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.  He had just one
                   9506: problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens.  Mrs. Johnson scolded him
                   9507: time and time again, but he would just laugh at her.  Finally, she told him
                   9508: that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
                   9509: his head.  Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
                   9510: couldn't resist going next door.  Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
                   9511:        Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
                   9512: had been fucking his chickens again.  Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
                   9513: took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
                   9514:        That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house.  Before it
                   9515: started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
                   9516: door.  "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
                   9517: tonight.  Now, don't you dare move."
                   9518:        Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
                   9519: and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
                   9520: Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
                   9521: arrived, he would say hello to them.  Just then, two bald-headed men came to
                   9522: the door.
                   9523:        Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
                   9524: chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
                   9525: %
                   9526: Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
                   9527: Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
                   9528:        When he's under the weather
                   9529:        They can't get together,
                   9530: So others get into her box.
                   9531: %
                   9532: Murphy's Discovery:
                   9533:        Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
                   9534:        to women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
                   9535:        everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine
                   9536:        months later, you're in trouble!
                   9537: %
                   9538: Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism
                   9539: fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
                   9540: understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
                   9541: being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out:  I'm in uniform,
                   9542: they're not.  I'm standing up, they're lying down.  I'm doing painful
                   9543: things to them for their own good.   This is so ME."
                   9544:                -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
                   9545:                   "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
                   9546:                    of AIDS, book reveals"
                   9547: %
                   9548: My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
                   9549: dahlias.
                   9550:                -- William Allen White
                   9551: %
                   9552: My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
                   9553: He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
                   9554: %
                   9555: My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus.  They put him
                   9556: in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
                   9557: Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
                   9558:                -- T. Bywater
                   9559: %
                   9560: My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
                   9561: family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
                   9562:                -- Alexandre Dumas
                   9563: %
                   9564: My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
                   9565: %
                   9566: My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
                   9567:                -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
                   9568: %
                   9569: My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
                   9570: and they stick.
                   9571:                -- Johnny Bob
                   9572: %
                   9573: My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
                   9574: I simply can't fuck any more;
                   9575:        I'm covered with sweat,
                   9576:        And you haven't come yet,
                   9577: And my God, it's a quarter to four!
                   9578:                -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
                   9579: %
                   9580: My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
                   9581:                -- Rodney Dangerfield
                   9582: %
                   9583: My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
                   9584:                -- Friday
                   9585: %
                   9586: My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.  One day my wife
                   9587: came home early from work and found us in bed together.
                   9588:                -- Lenny Bruce
                   9589: %
                   9590: My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
                   9591: vice, or self-abuse, among the young.  Why hesitate to say firmly and without
                   9592: quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
                   9593: paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
                   9594:                -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
                   9595:                   Publishing Company, 1895.  Dr. Kellogg helped invent
                   9596:                   corn flakes and peanut butter.  In addition to denouncing
                   9597:                   masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
                   9598:                   that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
                   9599:                   cannonball on the stomach.
                   9600: %
                   9601: My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
                   9602: want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
                   9603: to screw again as long as I live.
                   9604:                -- Erica Jong
                   9605: %
                   9606: My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
                   9607: %
                   9608: My travel agent's an Oxford chap
                   9609: Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
                   9610: I asked him about the Isle of Man
                   9611: For a journey of about six weeks.
                   9612: And this is what he said to me
                   9613: As he looked me right in the eye,
                   9614: "For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
                   9615: Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
                   9616:
                   9617: A brand-new store just opened its door
                   9618: At the corner of 5th and Vine
                   9619: And I happened to be standing right outside
                   9620: When they turned on their neon sign.
                   9621: I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
                   9622: And that's when I almost died,
                   9623: They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
                   9624: To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
                   9625: %
                   9626: `My trip? It was vile.  Balaclava
                   9627: I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
                   9628:        The ship was all white
                   9629:        But it creaked in the night,
                   9630: And the band, they did not know la java."
                   9631:                -- Edward Gorey
                   9632: %
                   9633: `My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
                   9634: I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
                   9635:        The ship was all white
                   9636:        But it creaked in the night,
                   9637: And the band, they did not know la java."
                   9638:                -- Edward Gorey
                   9639: %
                   9640: My wife and I only smoke after sex.  I've had the same pack since 1967.
                   9641: She's up to three packs a day.
                   9642:                -- Rodney Dangerfield
                   9643: %
                   9644: My wife has breast cancer.  She told me to start dating.
                   9645:                -- Howard Stern
                   9646: %
                   9647: Naeser's Law:
                   9648:        You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
                   9649: %
                   9650: Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely.  I confess I do not admire
                   9651: naked boys.  They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
                   9652: sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
                   9653:                -- Lewis Carroll
                   9654: %
                   9655: Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
                   9656:        "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
                   9657: %
                   9658: Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
                   9659: seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
                   9660: %
                   9661: National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
                   9662: %
                   9663: navel, n:
                   9664:        A place to stash your gum on the way down.
                   9665: %
                   9666: Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
                   9667: Watch who you sleep with.
                   9668: %
                   9669: necrophelia, n:
                   9670:        Dead boring.
                   9671:
                   9672: incest, n:
                   9673:        Relatively boring.
                   9674: %
                   9675: necrophilia, n:
                   9676:        Dropping in for a cold one.
                   9677: %
                   9678: Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
                   9679: Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
                   9680: %
                   9681: Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
                   9682: %
                   9683: Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
                   9684:                -- Gordon Cooper
                   9685: %
                   9686: "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!  Why do you think I CAME here?"
                   9687: "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
                   9688: %
                   9689: Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
                   9690: %
                   9691: NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
                   9692:        "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
                   9693: a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
                   9694: promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
                   9695: our "Big John" doll.)
                   9696: %
                   9697: New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
                   9698: %
                   9699: New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
                   9700: it's the asshole of the universe.
                   9701:                -- Jonathan Michael Smith
                   9702: %
                   9703: New York:
                   9704:        Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
                   9705: %
                   9706: Newlywed groom:
                   9707:        Honey, I have something to confess to you.  I'm a golfer.
                   9708:        You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
                   9709:        and weekends.  I'm sorry.
                   9710: Newlywed bride:
                   9711:        I have something even worse to confess, dear.  I'm a hooker.
                   9712: Groom:
                   9713:        Oh, honey, that's no problem!  Just keep your head low and follow
                   9714:        through...
                   9715: %
                   9716: Newsflash:
                   9717:        Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
                   9718: predicted.  All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
                   9719: of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
                   9720:        Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
                   9721: expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
                   9722: to be.  The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
                   9723: than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
                   9724: living in Stenton, North Dakota.
                   9725: %
                   9726: Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
                   9727: Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
                   9728:                -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
                   9729: %
                   9730: Nice computers don't go down.
                   9731: %
                   9732: Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
                   9733: %
                   9734: Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
                   9735:        1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
                   9736:                so the lid won't stay up.
                   9737:        2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
                   9738:        3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
                   9739:        4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
                   9740:        5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
                   9741:                demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
                   9742:        6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
                   9743:                or speculate about your next one.
                   9744:        7: A taco will never make a scene because
                   9745:                there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
                   9746:        8: It's easy to drop a taco.
                   9747:        9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
                   9748: %
                   9749: Ninety percent of everything is crap.
                   9750:                -- Theodore Sturgeon
                   9751: %
                   9752: No matter how clever the hardware boys
                   9753: are, the software boys piss it away.
                   9754: %
                   9755: No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
                   9756:                -- Greg Bear
                   9757: %
                   9758: Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
                   9759:        [Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
                   9760: %
                   9761: Not everyone has a one-track mind.
                   9762:                -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
                   9763: %
                   9764: Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
                   9765:                -- Woody Allen
                   9766: %
                   9767: nothing, adj:
                   9768:        A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
                   9769: %
                   9770: Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
                   9771: tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
                   9772: Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?"  What
                   9773: can I say?  It was an accident.  It was one of those parties that got out
                   9774: of hand, you know...  We killed him because he didn't want to become
                   9775: a doctor, that's why we killed him.
                   9776:                -- Lenny Bruce
                   9777: %
                   9778: Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
                   9779: Who said with a wink and a smile,
                   9780:        "Sure, please stick it in,
                   9781:        Be it thick be it thin,
                   9782: But if's rough I won't do as a file."
                   9783: %
                   9784: Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
                   9785: bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
                   9786: have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
                   9787: of God.  The argument follows:  "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
                   9788: "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."  "But," says Man,
                   9789: "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it?  It could not have evolved
                   9790: by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements,
                   9791: you don't.  QED."  "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
                   9792: promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
                   9793:                -- D. Adams
                   9794: %
                   9795: Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
                   9796: Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
                   9797: Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
                   9798: What would they do if I made no landfall?"
                   9799:                -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
                   9800: %
                   9801: Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
                   9802: occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her.  She came up
                   9803: with this in response to one...
                   9804:
                   9805:        Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
                   9806:        When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
                   9807:        bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
                   9808:        meet either of my standards.  But if it makes you feel more
                   9809:        comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
                   9810:        morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
                   9811:
                   9812:        "Just think," said
                   9813:
                   9814:        Nurse Jones,
                   9815:         "... that was four
                   9816:           hours ago and
                   9817:            my sperm count
                   9818:             is probably *still*
                   9819:              higher than yours."
                   9820: %
                   9821: Nybble me...  Byte me...  Unsigned long int me...
                   9822: %
                   9823: Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
                   9824:                -- Joseph Pulitzer
                   9825: %
                   9826: Obscene?  Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
                   9827: their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
                   9828: because it's obscene.
                   9829: %
                   9830: Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers.
                   9831: %
                   9832: Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
                   9833: %
                   9834: Oden the bardling averred
                   9835: His muse was the bum of a bird,
                   9836:        And his Lesbian wife
                   9837:        Would finger his fife
                   9838: While Fisherwood waited as third.
                   9839: %
                   9840: Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
                   9841: exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London.  Ms. London is the
                   9842: author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
                   9843: "A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
                   9844: Heiress".  Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
                   9845: an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
                   9846: himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
                   9847:
                   9848:        "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
                   9849: ship.  No one, that is, but the pirates.  Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
                   9850: -- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
                   9851: spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
                   9852: There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
                   9853: sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
                   9854: %
                   9855: Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
                   9856: The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
                   9857: %
                   9858: Of his face she thought not very much,
                   9859: But then, at the very first touch,
                   9860:        Her attitude shifted --
                   9861:        He was terribly gifted
                   9862: At frigging and fucking and such.
                   9863: %
                   9864: Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
                   9865: %
                   9866: Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
                   9867: Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
                   9868: Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
                   9869: And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
                   9870: %
                   9871: Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
                   9872: That got run over with my mower.
                   9873: One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
                   9874: The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
                   9875: It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
                   9876: It landed by the kitchen door.
                   9877: Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
                   9878: that ain't gonna walk no more...
                   9879:                -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
                   9880: %
                   9881: Oh John, let's not park here.
                   9882: Oh John, let's not park.
                   9883: Oh John, let's not.
                   9884: Oh John, let's.
                   9885: Oh John.
                   9886: Oh.
                   9887: %
                   9888: Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
                   9889: Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
                   9890:        The poor wench doth stammer,
                   9891:        "I need a sledgehammer
                   9892: To pound a man into my vent."
                   9893: %
                   9894: Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
                   9895: He tried to make love to a puma.
                   9896:        Seems the puma, in play,
                   9897:        Tore his testes away -
                   9898: - An example of animal huma.
                   9899: %
                   9900: Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
                   9901: He tried to make love to a puma.
                   9902:        Seems the puma, in play,
                   9903:        Tore his testes away --
                   9904: An example of animal huma.
                   9905: %
                   9906: Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
                   9907:                -- Don Herold
                   9908: %
                   9909: OLD FELLA RED CLARET
                   9910:        Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
                   9911:
                   9912: An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
                   9913: and ill-cared for animals.  It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
                   9914: prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins.  Connoisseurs will savour the
                   9915: slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
                   9916: Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
                   9917: buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
                   9918: with perished jock straps.  The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
                   9919: gives it a very Definite Nose.  With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
                   9920: In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
                   9921: who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
                   9922:
                   9923: It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
                   9924:
                   9925: Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
                   9926:         Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
                   9927: %
                   9928: Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
                   9929: A merry old soul was he.
                   9930: He called for his pipe,
                   9931: And he called for his drums,
                   9932: And he fiddled with his call girls three.
                   9933: %
                   9934: Old King Cole
                   9935: Was a merry old soul,
                   9936: A merry old soul was he!
                   9937: He called for his pipe,
                   9938: And he called for his bowl,
                   9939: And he fiddled with his call girls three!
                   9940: %
                   9941: Old McDonald had a farm,
                   9942: E-I-E-I-O!
                   9943: And on this farm he had some chicks,
                   9944: E-I-E-I-O!
                   9945: With a chick-chick here,
                   9946: And a chick-chick there,
                   9947: Here a chick,
                   9948: There a chick,
                   9949: Everywhere a chick-chick,
                   9950: Old McDonald lost his farm
                   9951: 'Cause he had too many chicks!
                   9952: %
                   9953: Old McDonald had a farm,
                   9954: E-I-E-I-O
                   9955: And on this farm he had some chicks,
                   9956: E-I-E-I-O
                   9957: With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there,
                   9958: Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo,
                   9959: Old McDonald lost his farm,
                   9960: 'Cause he had too many chicks.
                   9961: %
                   9962: Old mercenaries never die.  They go to hell and regroup.
                   9963: %
                   9964: Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
                   9965: She had so many children,
                   9966: She didn't know what to do.
                   9967: So she moved to Atlanta.
                   9968: %
                   9969: Old Mother Hubbard,
                   9970: Went to the cubbard,
                   9971: To get her poor doggie a bone.
                   9972:
                   9973: But when she stooped over,
                   9974: Old Rover, he drove her.
                   9975: You see, he had a bone of his own.
                   9976: %
                   9977: Olmstead's Law:
                   9978:        After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
                   9979: %
                   9980: On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
                   9981: Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
                   9982:        Not russian elite-
                   9983:        She's eager to eat
                   9984: Whatever or whoever lays her.
                   9985: %
                   9986: On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
                   9987: The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
                   9988:        "Aha!" said the mate,
                   9989:        "That settles the fate
                   9990: Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
                   9991: %
                   9992: On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
                   9993: herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
                   9994: The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
                   9995: went to notify the authorities.  Upon his return, he was horrified to find
                   9996: a man making love to the corpse.
                   9997:        "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
                   9998: that woman is dead!"
                   9999:        "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
                   10000: "I thought she was an American!"
                   10001: %
                   10002: On Brassieres:
                   10003:        Russian:        Uplifts the masses.
                   10004:        Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
                   10005:        American:       Makes mountains out of molehills.
                   10006: %
                   10007: On day a Monterey daughter
                   10008: Did scuba down under the water.
                   10009:        She later turned up
                   10010:        The mom of a pup,
                   10011: And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
                   10012: %
                   10013: On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
                   10014: Texas.  After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
                   10015: on a merry chase through the desert.  On the sixth day of the chase he was
                   10016: apprehended.
                   10017:        Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is."
                   10018:        Interpreter-to-bandit:  "He wants to know where you hid the money."
                   10019:        Bandit-to-interpreter:  "I'll never tell, never!"
                   10020:        Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor."
                   10021: At this point, the sheriff loses his cool.  His town has been shot up, his
                   10022: bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
                   10023: says he'll never tell.  So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
                   10024: chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
                   10025: me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
                   10026:        Interpreter-to-bandit:  "He says if you don't tell him where the
                   10027:                money is right now, he will kill you here."
                   10028:        Bandit-to-interpreter:  "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
                   10029:                under the big tree at the pass!"
                   10030:        Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
                   10031: %
                   10032: On the breast of a lady named Gail,
                   10033: Was tattooed the price of her tail.
                   10034:        And on her behind,
                   10035:        For the sake of the blind,
                   10036: Was the same information -- in Braille.
                   10037: %
                   10038: On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
                   10039: Was tatooed the price of her tail
                   10040:        And on her behind,
                   10041:        For the sake of the blind,
                   10042: Was the same information in Braille.
                   10043: %
                   10044: On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
                   10045: His girl got a yen for fellatio.
                   10046:        As she sucked on his dingus
                   10047:        He tried cunnilingus
                   10048: But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
                   10049: %
                   10050: Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to
                   10051: eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast.  She bringa me
                   10052: only one piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate.  She says you
                   10053: better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch.  I don't even know the lady
                   10054: and she call me sonna bitch.  Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
                   10055: The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock.  I tell her I wanna
                   10056: fock.  She tells me everone wanna fock.  I tell her "you no understand", I
                   10057: wanna fock on the table.  She say you better not fock on the table, you
                   10058: sonna bitch.  So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
                   10059: my bed.  I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit.  He tella me to go
                   10060: to the toilet.  I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed.  He say
                   10061: you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch.  I go to check out and the man
                   10062: at the desk say "peace to you".  I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch.  I
                   10063: gonna back to Italy.
                   10064: %
                   10065: Once a woman has given you her heart you
                   10066: can never get rid of the rest of her.
                   10067:                -- Vanbrugh
                   10068: %
                   10069: Once a young gay from Khartoum,
                   10070: Took a lesbian up to his room.
                   10071:        They argued all night
                   10072:        Over who had the right
                   10073: To do what, and with which, and to whom.
                   10074: %
                   10075: Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD.  I fought like hell
                   10076: for them.  But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
                   10077: as shallow and degenerate.  They had a better word.  So I quit the first
                   10078: group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
                   10079: group.  I fought like hell for them.  But another group came around.  They
                   10080: exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic.  Their word was
                   10081: very much better.  So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
                   10082: had made.  And I joined up with this new group.  I fought like hell for them.
                   10083: Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
                   10084: That I should go off as an individual and grow!  So I quit the last group
                   10085: and lost all the friends I had made.  And now I sit home alone all day and
                   10086: all I do is grow.  It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
                   10087: the way I do.
                   10088:                -- J. Feiffer
                   10089: %
                   10090: Once upon a girl there was a time...
                   10091: %
                   10092: Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
                   10093: two cows.  He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
                   10094: observe and report any success.  A short time later, little Johnny came
                   10095: running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
                   10096: white cow!"
                   10097:        The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
                   10098: alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
                   10099: going to be visiting soon.  So next time, please use another word; just
                   10100: say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
                   10101:        Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress.  A little
                   10102: while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
                   10103: came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
                   10104:        The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
                   10105: know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
                   10106:        Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
                   10107: %
                   10108: Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
                   10109: made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company.  The farmer
                   10110: wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
                   10111: "This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best.  He's virile and energetic
                   10112: and will take care of all your chickens!"  The farmer, delighted at this,
                   10113: bought the rooster and returned to his farm.  He set the rooster loose among
                   10114: his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
                   10115: It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
                   10116: began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm.  "If you keep up this
                   10117: rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!"  The rooster,
                   10118: however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed.  The next
                   10119: morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
                   10120: the sky circling over something.  He headed out behind the barn, and sure
                   10121: enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed.  The farmer
                   10122: shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it!  I told
                   10123: you so!  I knew you'd screw yourself to death!"  The rooster turned his head
                   10124: toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked.  "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
                   10125: the birds above.  "I think they're coming down."
                   10126: %
                   10127: Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood.  One
                   10128: fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
                   10129: cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest.  When
                   10130: she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
                   10131: jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
                   10132: down."
                   10133:        So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
                   10134: you're not!  You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
                   10135: %
                   10136: Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
                   10137: fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
                   10138: the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
                   10139: After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
                   10140: earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
                   10141: little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
                   10142: warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
                   10143: began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
                   10144: chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
                   10145: he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
                   10146: There are three morals to this story:
                   10147: 1)     Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
                   10148: 2)     Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
                   10149: 3)     If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
                   10150: %
                   10151: Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley.  He'd do pushups and
                   10152: somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
                   10153: on their fat asses not doing a thing.  One day, one of them became curious
                   10154: enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day.  Stanley said,
                   10155:        "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
                   10156: time comes, I am going to be that one."
                   10157: A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
                   10158: knew that it was getting to be their time to go.  They were released abruptly
                   10159: and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
                   10160: All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
                   10161: all his might.
                   10162:        "Go back! Go back!" he screamed.  "It's a blow job!"
                   10163: %
                   10164: Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
                   10165: and a little, tiny coed.  One night they came home from a dance, and the big
                   10166: coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
                   10167:        The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
                   10168: sleeping in my bed!"
                   10169:        And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
                   10170: %
                   10171: Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
                   10172: us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
                   10173: smaller prime numbers.
                   10174:
                   10175: 2:  The Odd Prime --
                   10176:        It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
                   10177: 3:  The True Prime --
                   10178:        Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
                   10179: 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
                   10180:        Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime in
                   10181:        case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91 received
                   10182:        the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
                   10183:        However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
                   10184: 41: The Female Prime --
                   10185:        The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
                   10186:        prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
                   10187: 43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
                   10188:
                   10189: Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
                   10190: are derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
                   10191: but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
                   10192: %
                   10193: Once was a hooker named Gail,
                   10194: Busted and sent-off to jail,
                   10195:        She liked the jailer,
                   10196:        He wanted to nail her,
                   10197: So Gail made bail with her tail.
                   10198: %
                   10199: Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
                   10200: the rest of life is that much easier.
                   10201: %
                   10202: Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
                   10203: %
                   10204: One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
                   10205: boss's office.  Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
                   10206: Finally the office boy was brought in.
                   10207:        "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed.  "Have you been
                   10208: playing around with my secretary?"
                   10209:        "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered.  "I-I'd never do anything
                   10210: like that, sir."
                   10211:        "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
                   10212: %
                   10213: One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.  He hopped
                   10214: into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
                   10215: to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country.  After awhile,
                   10216: he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields.  The funny thing was,
                   10217: the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.  The man got out of his car
                   10218: and approached the farmer.
                   10219:        "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
                   10220:        Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
                   10221: in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt.  Got back to th' house
                   10222: that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board.  This here's
                   10223: mah wife's idea."
                   10224: %
                   10225: One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
                   10226: a polar bear?"
                   10227:        "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies.  "You live at
                   10228: the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish.  You play on the
                   10229: ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals.  Of *course* you're
                   10230: a polar bear.  Why do you ask?"
                   10231:        "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
                   10232: %
                   10233: One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
                   10234: anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road.  Stopping the car,
                   10235: he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
                   10236: Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
                   10237: threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
                   10238: The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
                   10239:        Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
                   10240: he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road.  Investigating
                   10241: the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
                   10242: "Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse.  "I saved you
                   10243: with my car once, remember?"
                   10244:        "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion.  "I'll just
                   10245: lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
                   10246: in a jiffy."  Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
                   10247: the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
                   10248:        "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly.  "It just goes
                   10249: to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
                   10250: %
                   10251: One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
                   10252: the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female.  He also noted that
                   10253: they seemed to enjoy being together a lot.  So, he went to his special
                   10254: place an reported to God what he'd noticed.
                   10255:        God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
                   10256: to provide you with a mate.  Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
                   10257: will create your mate."
                   10258:        So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
                   10259: asleep.  Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
                   10260: ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him.  Remembering
                   10261: the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
                   10262: Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
                   10263:        "God?"
                   10264:        "Yes, Adam, what now?"
                   10265:        "God, what's a headache?"
                   10266: %
                   10267: One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
                   10268: enchanting scene.  A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
                   10269: eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
                   10270: little dog.
                   10271:        What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself.  Walking over,
                   10272: he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
                   10273:        "Blossom," she replied.
                   10274:        "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley.  "And how did your
                   10275: parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
                   10276:        "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
                   10277: under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach.  She
                   10278: thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
                   10279: name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
                   10280:        How charming, thought the priest.  He started to say good-bye and
                   10281: walk away, then turned back.  "And the name of your little dog?" he
                   10282: inquired.
                   10283:        "Porky," was the child's reply.
                   10284:        Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
                   10285:        "Because he likes to fuck pigs."
                   10286: %
                   10287: "One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
                   10288: gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
                   10289: said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
                   10290: guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
                   10291: analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
                   10292: problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
                   10293: I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
                   10294: stranger on a bus.'  So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
                   10295: and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.'  I said,
                   10296: 'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
                   10297:                -- Stephen Wright
                   10298: %
                   10299: One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
                   10300: tall on his shoulder and orders a beer.  The bartender serves the man a beer;
                   10301: to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
                   10302: of the brew and spits it in his face.  After a few minutes the customer
                   10303: orders another beer and the exact same thing happens.  Well, by this time,
                   10304: the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
                   10305: care of the dwarf.  So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
                   10306: all your beer and spit it in my face?"
                   10307:        "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
                   10308: and he granted me three wishes.  I asked for a million dollars, the most
                   10309: beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
                   10310: %
                   10311: One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
                   10312: officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
                   10313: thacramento ith?"
                   10314:        The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
                   10315:        The large man then asked again, but still no reply.  After a few more
                   10316: attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
                   10317: walked away.  An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
                   10318: "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?"  The police officer replied,
                   10319:        "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
                   10320: %
                   10321: One evening a guru had coitus
                   10322: With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
                   10323:        When asked what position
                   10324:        He used for coition,
                   10325: He answered serenely, "the loetus."
                   10326: %
                   10327: One evening a guru had coitus
                   10328: With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
                   10329:        When asked what position
                   10330:        He used for coition,
                   10331: He answered serenely, "the lotus."
                   10332: %
                   10333: One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting.  Feeling a sudden need
                   10334: to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
                   10335: his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
                   10336: bit him on his penis.  Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
                   10337: Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
                   10338: call a doctor.
                   10339:        "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
                   10340: gravely.  "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
                   10341: the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
                   10342: much hope."
                   10343:        Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
                   10344: cried out, "Fred, what'd he say?  What did the doctor say?"
                   10345:        "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
                   10346: %
                   10347: One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
                   10348: One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
                   10349: %
                   10350: One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
                   10351: %
                   10352: One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
                   10353: and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
                   10354: seen.  As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
                   10355: another woman even less appealing than the first.  Seeing his look of
                   10356: wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped,  "Don't look at me
                   10357: like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
                   10358: %
                   10359: One night a girl had an affair
                   10360: With a fellow all covered with hair.
                   10361:        His enormous red whang
                   10362:        Gave her a wonderful bang --
                   10363: She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
                   10364: %
                   10365: One night a girl had an affair
                   10366: With a fellow all covered with hair.
                   10367:        Then she picked up his hat
                   10368:        And realized that
                   10369: She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
                   10370: %
                   10371: One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
                   10372: to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
                   10373:        "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
                   10374: put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back.  "Look,
                   10375: Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
                   10376:        "Mama asked, 'What's the matter?  You don't like the other one?'"
                   10377:                -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
                   10378: %
                   10379: One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
                   10380: accompanying their husbands on business trips.  Anticipating some valuable
                   10381: testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
                   10382: all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
                   10383: enjoyed their trip.  Responses are still pouring in asking,
                   10384:        "What trip?"
                   10385: %
                   10386: One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
                   10387: compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
                   10388: %
                   10389: One of the most expensive things in life
                   10390: is a girl who is free for the evening.
                   10391: %
                   10392: One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
                   10393: goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
                   10394:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
                   10395: %
                   10396: One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
                   10397: He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
                   10398: following Sunday.
                   10399:        "9:30 okay?"
                   10400:        "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
                   10401: The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
                   10402: left-handed and beat them.  They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
                   10403: George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
                   10404: late.  The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
                   10405: played right-handed and beat them again.
                   10406:        "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
                   10407:        "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
                   10408:        Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
                   10409: be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
                   10410: *or* right-handed."
                   10411:        "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
                   10412: superstitious.  If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
                   10413: right handed.  If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
                   10414:        "What if she's lying on her back?"
                   10415:        George said, "That's when I'm late."
                   10416: %
                   10417: One should be cherry of virgins.
                   10418: %
                   10419: One, two, three, four
                   10420: What are we fighting for?
                   10421: Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
                   10422: Next stop is Vietnam.
                   10423: Five, six, seven, eight
                   10424: Open up the pearly gates.
                   10425: Ain't no time to wonder why
                   10426: Whoopie!  We're all going to die.
                   10427:                -- Country Joe and the Fish
                   10428: %
                   10429: One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know
                   10430: his ass from a hole in the ground!
                   10431: %
                   10432: Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
                   10433: %
                   10434: Ooops.  Gotta run.  My dog wants sex.  Later.
                   10435: %
                   10436: Operators mount anything!
                   10437: %
                   10438: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one,
                   10439: but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.
                   10440:                -- Hal Hickman
                   10441: %
                   10442: OPTIMIST:
                   10443:        A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
                   10444: %
                   10445: ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
                   10446:        The word "No".
                   10447: %
                   10448: oral sex, n:
                   10449:        The taste of things to come.
                   10450: %
                   10451: O'Riordan's Theorem:
                   10452:        Brains x Beauty = Constant.
                   10453:
                   10454: Purmal's Corollary:
                   10455:        As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
                   10456:        availability goes to zero.
                   10457: %
                   10458: Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
                   10459: cash them in.
                   10460: %
                   10461: Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
                   10462: Why pierce my skin, so white?
                   10463: You grow plump, as a leech.
                   10464: Stop!  I beseech (in vein).
                   10465:
                   10466: I have no choice.
                   10467: Why waste my voice,
                   10468: When only a slap will do?
                   10469: Ouch, I am bitten!
                   10470: What ho, you are smitten!
                   10471: Yo mosquito, fuck you.
                   10472:                -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
                   10473: %
                   10474: Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?"  Well, it's really
                   10475: quite simple.  They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
                   10476: %
                   10477: Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
                   10478: maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
                   10479: in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
                   10480: good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
                   10481: for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
                   10482: over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for
                   10483: three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in
                   10484: their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
                   10485: an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
                   10486: ever considering whether there were men on base.
                   10487:                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
                   10488: %
                   10489: Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
                   10490: Has invented a new kind of car.
                   10491:        With a tank full of shit
                   10492:        There's no stopping it --
                   10493: For short trips, two poots take you far.
                   10494: %
                   10495: Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
                   10496: possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case
                   10497: of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good
                   10498: baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for
                   10499: sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
                   10500: from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for three
                   10501: seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their
                   10502: souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
                   10503: infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
                   10504: ever considering whether there were men on base.
                   10505:                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
                   10506: %
                   10507: Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
                   10508: possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
                   10509: case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a
                   10510: pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
                   10511: way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male
                   10512: comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been
                   10513: on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust
                   10514: her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between
                   10515: catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
                   10516: elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there
                   10517: were men on base.
                   10518:                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
                   10519: %
                   10520: Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
                   10521: In all of the directions it can whiz;
                   10522: As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
                   10523: Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
                   10524: So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
                   10525: How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
                   10526: And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
                   10527: 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
                   10528:                -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
                   10529: %
                   10530: Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
                   10531:        "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
                   10532: and I will lead you to the promised land."
                   10533:        Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
                   10534: your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
                   10535:        Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
                   10536: the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
                   10537: %
                   10538: Painters do it with even strokes.
                   10539: %
                   10540: Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
                   10541: mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
                   10542: %
                   10543: Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
                   10544: bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
                   10545: %
                   10546: Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
                   10547: %
                   10548: Pee-wee Recommends:
                   10549:
                   10550: When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
                   10551: the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
                   10552:
                   10553:        + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
                   10554:        + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
                   10555:        + Tiger Shark, starring Raven
                   10556: %
                   10557: penis envy, n:
                   10558:        The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
                   10559: %
                   10560: People humiliating a salami!
                   10561: %
                   10562: People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
                   10563: %
                   10564: People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
                   10565:                -- Peter Sellers
                   10566: %
                   10567: Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
                   10568: on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
                   10569: a pedestal the better to view her legs.
                   10570:                -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
                   10571: %
                   10572: Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
                   10573: Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
                   10574:        She declined and declined
                   10575:        Till approached from behind...
                   10576: When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
                   10577: %
                   10578: Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
                   10579: %
                   10580: philadelphia flying fuck, n:
                   10581:        Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
                   10582:        of the rocking chair.  She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
                   10583:        him orally.
                   10584:
                   10585:        [Note: Personally, we've never tried this.  If you have, or if
                   10586:        you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
                   10587:        Rockville IL.  Thank you.  Ed.]
                   10588: %
                   10589: Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
                   10590:                -- Karl Marx
                   10591: %
                   10592: Physicists do it with charm.
                   10593: %
                   10594: Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
                   10595: he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
                   10596: %
                   10597: pile driver, n:
                   10598:        Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
                   10599: %
                   10600: Planned Parenthood:
                   10601:        The emission Control Center.
                   10602: %
                   10603: Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
                   10604: He announced as he folded with flair,
                   10605:        "I had four of a kind,
                   10606:        But those aces combined,
                   10607: Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
                   10608: %
                   10609: PLUNDERER'S THEME
                   10610:        (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
                   10611:
                   10612: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
                   10613: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
                   10614: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
                   10615: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
                   10616: %
                   10617: pocket pool, n:
                   10618:        Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
                   10619:        For women, it's playing the slots.
                   10620: %
                   10621: polish fly, n:
                   10622:        You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
                   10623: %
                   10624: Politicians do it to everyone.
                   10625: %
                   10626: Pompoir:  The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
                   10627:
                   10628: 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
                   10629: a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
                   10630: hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow.  This can be learned only by long
                   10631: practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
                   10632: as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing...  Her husband will then value her
                   10633: above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
                   10634: queen in the Three Worlds...  Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
                   10635: are abnormally developed.  In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
                   10636: them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
                   10637: induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person.  Such an artist
                   10638: is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
                   10639: that slave dealers pay large sums for her'  Thus Richard Burton.  It has
                   10640: nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice.  See exercises.
                   10641:                -- The Joy of Sex
                   10642: %
                   10643: Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
                   10644: Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
                   10645:        At her first sight of one
                   10646:        She started to run,
                   10647: And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
                   10648: %
                   10649: Posterity will ne'er survey
                   10650: A nobler grave than this;
                   10651: Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
                   10652: Stop, traveler, and piss.
                   10653:                -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
                   10654: %
                   10655: Postulate #1:  Nothing is better than sex.
                   10656: Postulate #2:  Masturbation is better than nothing.
                   10657: Conclusion:    Masturbation is better than sex.
                   10658: %
                   10659: Pour guerir un acces de fievre
                   10660: Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
                   10661:        Il le prit a son trou,
                   10662:        Et fit faire un ragout
                   10663: Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
                   10664:                -- Edward Gorey
                   10665: %
                   10666: Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
                   10667: Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home.  "My wife and
                   10668: I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart.  "I hate to admit
                   10669: it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
                   10670:        "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it.  Let me
                   10671: give you some advice.  At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
                   10672: all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room.  Next, tell
                   10673: your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
                   10674: bottom window."
                   10675:        "Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
                   10676:        "Just whistle."
                   10677:        "Whistle?"
                   10678:        "That's right.  I'll be waiting outside the window.  When I hear
                   10679: you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
                   10680: %
                   10681: Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
                   10682: %
                   10683: Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
                   10684: %
                   10685: premature ejaculation, n:
                   10686:        A spoilspurt.
                   10687: %
                   10688: premature ejaculator, n:
                   10689:        Troubled shooter.
                   10690: %
                   10691: Premenstrual Syndrome:
                   10692:        Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
                   10693: %
                   10694: Prince Absalom lay with his sister
                   10695: And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
                   10696:        But the kid was so tight,
                   10697:        And it was deep night --
                   10698: Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
                   10699: %
                   10700: Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
                   10701: %
                   10702: Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
                   10703: the bathroom.  "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
                   10704: in...  He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
                   10705: picture of this.'  I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
                   10706:                -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
                   10707: %
                   10708: Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
                   10709: %
                   10710: Programmers do it bit by bit.
                   10711: %
                   10712: Programmers do it until it goes down.
                   10713: %
                   10714: Programmers get overlaid.
                   10715: %
                   10716: PROMOTION:
                   10717:        New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
                   10718: %
                   10719: Prope mare erat tubulator
                   10720: Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
                   10721:        Dessine ingressus
                   10722:        Audivi progressus:
                   10723: Est mihi inquit tubulator.
                   10724: %
                   10725: Prostitution is the only business where you
                   10726: can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
                   10727: %
                   10728: Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
                   10729: Check three friends.  If they're okay, you're it.
                   10730: %
                   10731: Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest.  They
                   10732: both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
                   10733: make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
                   10734: out the door.
                   10735: %
                   10736: pubic hair, n:
                   10737:        Organic dental floss.
                   10738: %
                   10739: Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
                   10740: And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
                   10741: And drank Manishiewitz wine.
                   10742: Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
                   10743: And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
                   10744: And other kosher stuff.
                   10745:
                   10746: Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
                   10747: Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
                   10748: Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
                   10749: That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
                   10750: %
                   10751: Q:     Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
                   10752: A:     He's the only one with a duck.
                   10753:
                   10754: Q:     Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
                   10755: A:     He's the only one who bets on the duck.
                   10756:
                   10757: Q:     And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
                   10758: A:     The duck wins!
                   10759: %
                   10760: Q:     Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
                   10761: A:     No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
                   10762: %
                   10763: Q:     Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
                   10764: A:     He spent the night in a warehouse.
                   10765: %
                   10766: Q:     How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
                   10767: A:     Real men don't care.
                   10768: %
                   10769: Q:     How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
                   10770: A:     Give her a couple of test tickles.
                   10771: %
                   10772: Q:     How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
                   10773: A:     She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
                   10774: %
                   10775: Q:     How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
                   10776: A:     She has a mouthful of feathers.
                   10777: %
                   10778: Q:     How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
                   10779: A:     By the stiff upper lip.
                   10780: %
                   10781: Q:     How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
                   10782: A:     Who cares?
                   10783: %
                   10784: Q:     How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
                   10785: A:     She answered the iron.
                   10786:
                   10787: Q:     How did she burn the other side of her face?
                   10788: A:     They called back.
                   10789: %
                   10790: Q:     How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
                   10791: A:     Cusinart.
                   10792:
                   10793: Q:     How do you get them back out?
                   10794: A:     Doritos.
                   10795: %
                   10796: Q:     How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
                   10797: A:     Propose.
                   10798: %
                   10799: Q:     How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
                   10800: A:     Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
                   10801:
                   10802: Q:     Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
                   10803: A:     No -- so it must work pretty well!
                   10804:
                   10805: Q:     How did Tarzan die?
                   10806: A:     Picking cherries!!!
                   10807: %
                   10808: Q:     How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
                   10809: A:     Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
                   10810: %
                   10811: Q:     How do you know your elephant had her period?
                   10812: A:     There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
                   10813: %
                   10814: Q:     How do you make a dead baby float?
                   10815: A:     With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
                   10816: %
                   10817: Q:     How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
                   10818: A:     Kick it over to Van Ness.
                   10819: %
                   10820: Q:     How do you play Religious Roulette?
                   10821: A:     You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
                   10822:        by lightning first.
                   10823: %
                   10824: Q:     How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in
                   10825:        your backyard?
                   10826: A:     Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
                   10827: %
                   10828: Q:     How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
                   10829:        or an airline stewardess?
                   10830: A:     A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
                   10831:        A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
                   10832:        and over again until we get it right."
                   10833:        An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
                   10834:        nose and breathe normally."
                   10835:
                   10836: ... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
                   10837: ... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
                   10838: ... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
                   10839: ... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
                   10840: %
                   10841: Q:     How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
                   10842: A:     When his cock tastes like shit.
                   10843: %
                   10844: Q:     How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
                   10845: A:     It isn't hard.
                   10846: %
                   10847: Q:     How does a mink get babies?
                   10848: A:     The same way babies get minks.
                   10849: %
                   10850: Q:     How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
                   10851:
                   10852: A:     Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
                   10853:        speech, but under the United States constitution they are
                   10854:        guaranteed freedom after speech.
                   10855:
                   10856:                -- being told in Poland, 1987
                   10857: %
                   10858: Q:     How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
                   10859: A:     Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
                   10860: %
                   10861: Q:     How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
                   10862: A:     Three, but they're really only one.
                   10863: %
                   10864: Q:     How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
                   10865: A:     NONE!  AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
                   10866:
                   10867: Q:     How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
                   10868: A:     It's "Women"...  AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
                   10869: %
                   10870: Q:     How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
                   10871:        does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
                   10872: A:     "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
                   10873:        advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
                   10874:        can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
                   10875:        credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
                   10876: %
                   10877: Q:     How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
                   10878:        bulb, in San Fransisco?
                   10879: A:     Both of them.
                   10880: %
                   10881: Q:     How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
                   10882: A:     Ten.  One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
                   10883:        without a man.
                   10884: %
                   10885: Q:     If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
                   10886:        what would Cheetah have been?
                   10887: A:     A fur coat.
                   10888: %
                   10889: Q:     What can you use used tampons for?
                   10890: A:     Tea bags for vampires.
                   10891: %
                   10892: Q:     What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
                   10893: A:     Play dumb until the second coming.
                   10894: %
                   10895: Q:     What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
                   10896: A:     Your bicycle.
                   10897: %
                   10898: Q:     What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
                   10899: A:     They both like a tight seal.
                   10900: %
                   10901: Q:     What do elephants use instead of tampons?
                   10902: A:     Sheep.  Well, they used to, anyway.  There have been so many cases
                   10903:        of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
                   10904:
                   10905: Q:     Why do elephants have trunks?
                   10906: A:     Sheep don't have strings.
                   10907: %
                   10908: Q:     What do two WASPs say after making love?
                   10909: A:     Thank you very much.  It'll never happen again.
                   10910: %
                   10911: Q:     What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
                   10912: A:     Trustworthy.
                   10913: %
                   10914: Q:     What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
                   10915: A:     A transistor.
                   10916: %
                   10917: Q:     What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
                   10918: A:     Toys for twats.
                   10919: %
                   10920: Q:     What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
                   10921:        of garden hose?
                   10922: A:     Darling.
                   10923:                [Often?  Ed.]
                   10924: %
                   10925: Q:     What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
                   10926: A:     Parents.
                   10927: %
                   10928: Q:     What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
                   10929: A:     Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
                   10930: %
                   10931: Q:     What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
                   10932: A:     Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
                   10933: %
                   10934: Q:     What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
                   10935: A:     A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
                   10936: %
                   10937: Q:     What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
                   10938: A:     A computer that won't go down.
                   10939: %
                   10940: Q:     What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
                   10941: A:     Your last blowjob.
                   10942: %
                   10943: Q:     What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
                   10944: A:     A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
                   10945: %
                   10946: Q:     What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
                   10947: A:     Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
                   10948:        once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
                   10949:        your eyes...
                   10950: %
                   10951: Q:     What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
                   10952:        moth ball in the other hand?
                   10953: A:     One hell of a big moth!
                   10954: %
                   10955: Q:     What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
                   10956: A:     Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
                   10957: %
                   10958: Q:     What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
                   10959: A:     Will the defendant please rise?
                   10960: %
                   10961: Q:     What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
                   10962: A:     It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
                   10963:        Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
                   10964:        the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
                   10965: %
                   10966: Q:     What goes
                   10967:                Click.  "Did I get it?"
                   10968:                Click.  "Did I get it?"
                   10969:                Click.  "Did I get it?"
                   10970:                Click.  "Did I get it?"
                   10971: A:     Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
                   10972: %
                   10973: Q:     What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
                   10974: A:     A frog in a blender.
                   10975:
                   10976: Q:     What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
                   10977: A:     Frognogg.  If you drink it, you croak.
                   10978: %
                   10979: Q:     What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
                   10980: A:     Baby in a blender.
                   10981:
                   10982: Q:     Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
                   10983: A:     So you can watch the expression on its little face.
                   10984: %
                   10985: Q:     What is green and comes in Brownies?
                   10986: A:     Boy Scouts.
                   10987: %
                   10988: Q:     What is Smoorplay?
                   10989: A:     What Smurfs do before they smuck!
                   10990: %
                   10991: Q:     What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
                   10992: A:     Snowballs!
                   10993: %
                   10994: Q:     What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
                   10995: A:     Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
                   10996: %
                   10997: Q:     What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
                   10998: A:     Dating a Canadian.
                   10999: %
                   11000: Q:     What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
                   11001:        revolving doors?
                   11002: A:     A nun with a javelin through her head.
                   11003: %
                   11004: Q:     What's black and white and red all over?
                   11005: A:     Half a nun.
                   11006: %
                   11007: Q:     What's buried in Grant's tomb?
                   11008: A:     A corpse.
                   11009: %
                   11010: Q:     What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
                   11011: A:     Chewing gum.
                   11012: %
                   11013: Q:     What's invisible and smells like carrots?
                   11014: A:     Bunny farts.
                   11015: %
                   11016: Q:     What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
                   11017: A:     The guy that gave it to him.
                   11018: %
                   11019: Q:     What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
                   11020: A:     The guy he got it from.
                   11021: %
                   11022: Q:     What's red and covered with little dents?
                   11023: A:     Snow White's cherry.
                   11024: %
                   11025: Q:     What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
                   11026: A:     Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
                   11027:
                   11028: Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
                   11029:        are removable!
                   11030:
                   11031: Q:     An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
                   11032:        very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
                   11033: A:     Yes, up to isomorphism!
                   11034:
                   11035: Q:     What is a compact city?
                   11036: A:     It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
                   11037:        policemen!
                   11038:                -- Peter Lax
                   11039: %
                   11040: Q:     What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
                   11041:        pinscher humping your leg?
                   11042: A:     You let the doberman finish.
                   11043: %
                   11044: Q:     What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
                   11045: A:     About four drinks.
                   11046: %
                   11047: Q:     What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
                   11048: A:     Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
                   11049:        War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
                   11050:
                   11051:        [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
                   11052:        office a little late, tonight...  Ed.]
                   11053: %
                   11054: Q:     What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
                   11055: A:     About 10 pounds.
                   11056:
                   11057: Q:     How do you make them the same?
                   11058: A:     Force feed the elephant.
                   11059: %
                   11060: Q:     What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
                   11061: A:     A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
                   11062: %
                   11063: Q:     What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
                   11064: A:     The weekend never comes too soon.
                   11065: %
                   11066: Q:     What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
                   11067: A:     Not everyone's been in a fast car.
                   11068: %
                   11069: Q:     What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
                   11070: A:     Erotic is when you use a feather.  Kinky is when you use
                   11071:        the whole bird...
                   11072: %
                   11073: Q:     What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
                   11074:        and Ronald Reagan?
                   11075: A:     One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
                   11076:        difference.
                   11077: %
                   11078: Q:     What's the difference between hard and dark?
                   11079: A:     It stays dark all night.
                   11080: %
                   11081: Q:     What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
                   11082: A:     In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
                   11083:        like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
                   11084:        "and some cigarettes."
                   11085: %
                   11086: Q:     What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
                   11087:        he hits your windshield?
                   11088: A:     His ass.
                   11089:
                   11090: Q.     What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
                   11091:        mind when he hits your windshield?
                   11092: A.     Oh, SHIT!!
                   11093: %
                   11094: Q:     What's white and crawls up your leg?
                   11095: A:     Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
                   11096: %
                   11097: Q:     What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
                   11098: A:     Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
                   11099: %
                   11100: Q:     Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
                   11101: A:     To the batpoles, Robin!
                   11102: %
                   11103: Q:     Where does virgin wool come from?
                   11104: A:     Ugly sheep.
                   11105: %
                   11106: Q:     Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
                   11107: A:     So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
                   11108: %
                   11109: Q:     Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
                   11110: A:     They're just pussy substitutes!
                   11111: %
                   11112: Q:     Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
                   11113: A:     Because she's dead.
                   11114: %
                   11115: Q:     Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
                   11116: A:     He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
                   11117: %
                   11118: Q:     Why did God invent booze?
                   11119: A:     So ugly men could get laid too.
                   11120: %
                   11121: Q:     Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
                   11122: A:     She'd never been taught to say no.
                   11123: %
                   11124: Q:     Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
                   11125: A:     To impress Jodie Foster.
                   11126: %
                   11127: Q:     Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
                   11128:                Jo Kopechne drowned?
                   11129: A:     Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
                   11130: %
                   11131: Q:     Why do dogs lick their private parts?
                   11132: A:     Because they can.
                   11133: %
                   11134: Q:     Why do ducks have webbed feet?
                   11135: A:     To stamp out forest firest.
                   11136:
                   11137: Q:     Why do elephants have big flat feet?
                   11138: A:     To stamp out flaming ducks.
                   11139: %
                   11140: Q:     Why do men die before their wives?
                   11141: A:     They want to.
                   11142: %
                   11143: Q:     Why do men marry women?
                   11144: A:     You can't teach sheep to do housework.
                   11145: %
                   11146: Q:     Why do mice have such small balls?
                   11147: A:     Very few of them know how to dance!
                   11148: %
                   11149: Q:     Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
                   11150: A:     Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
                   11151:                -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
                   11152: %
                   11153: Q:     Why do WASP's play golf ?
                   11154: A:     So they can dress like pimps.
                   11155: %
                   11156: Q:     Why do women have vaginas?
                   11157: A:     So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
                   11158: %
                   11159: Q:     Why do women love Pacman?
                   11160: A:     Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
                   11161: %
                   11162: Q:     Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
                   11163: A:     Because 8 inches isn't enough.
                   11164: %
                   11165: Q:     Why don't blind people skydive?
                   11166: A:     It scares the dogs!
                   11167:
                   11168: Q:     How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
                   11169: A:     The leash goes slack.
                   11170: %
                   11171: Q:     Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
                   11172: A:     Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
                   11173: %
                   11174: Q:     Why is Poland just like the United States?
                   11175:
                   11176: A:     In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
                   11177:        Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
                   11178:        you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
                   11179:
                   11180:                -- being told in Poland, 1987
                   11181: %
                   11182: Q:     Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
                   11183: A:     Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
                   11184:        gang-rejected her.
                   11185: %
                   11186: Q:     Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
                   11187: A:     For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
                   11188:        Tell a lie!  Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!"
                   11189: %
                   11190: Q:      What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
                   11191:
                   11192: A1:     PMS is only a problem for some people.
                   11193: A2:     PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
                   11194: A3:     The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
                   11195: A4:     People with PMS get sympathy.
                   11196: A5:     People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
                   11197: %
                   11198: Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
                   11199: A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
                   11200: %
                   11201: Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
                   11202: A: Age.
                   11203: %
                   11204: Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
                   11205: A: The taste.
                   11206: %
                   11207: Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
                   11208: A: About three inches.
                   11209: %
                   11210: Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
                   11211: A: He couldn't help it.
                   11212:
                   11213: Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
                   11214: A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
                   11215: %
                   11216: Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
                   11217: A: 'Cause they can!
                   11218:
                   11219: (Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
                   11220: %
                   11221: Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
                   11222: A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
                   11223:
                   11224: Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
                   11225: A: BOING!!  BOING!!  BOING!!
                   11226: %
                   11227: QOTD:
                   11228:        "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
                   11229:        Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
                   11230:        and throwing little pickles at you?  ...  Why am I the only one
                   11231:        who has that dream?"
                   11232: %
                   11233: QOTD:
                   11234:        "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
                   11235: %
                   11236: QOTD:
                   11237:        "Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
                   11238:                -- Joan of Arc
                   11239: %
                   11240: QOTD:
                   11241:        "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
                   11242: %
                   11243: QOTD:
                   11244:        "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
                   11245:        ticket."
                   11246: %
                   11247: QOTD:
                   11248:        "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
                   11249: %
                   11250: QOTD:
                   11251:        "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
                   11252: %
                   11253: QOTD:
                   11254:        I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
                   11255: %
                   11256: QOTD:
                   11257:        I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday.  She had a firm
                   11258:        grip.  He's a lucky man.
                   11259: %
                   11260: QOTD:
                   11261:        "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
                   11262: %
                   11263: QOTD:
                   11264:        I own my own body, but I share.
                   11265: %
                   11266: QOTD:
                   11267:        "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
                   11268: %
                   11269: QOTD:
                   11270:        "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
                   11271:        time it rained."
                   11272: %
                   11273: QOTD:
                   11274:        "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
                   11275: %
                   11276: QOTD:
                   11277:        I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
                   11278:        a pair of velcro gloves.
                   11279: %
                   11280: QOTD:
                   11281:        "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
                   11282:        the guy who screwed her last."
                   11283: %
                   11284: QOTD:
                   11285:        "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
                   11286:        her shadow!"
                   11287: %
                   11288: QOTD:
                   11289:        "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
                   11290:        golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
                   11291: %
                   11292: QOTD:
                   11293:        It *was* wonderfully polite of me.  Usually I call the kind of
                   11294:        cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
                   11295:                -- Richard Sexton
                   11296: %
                   11297: QOTD:
                   11298:        "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
                   11299:        who gets tied up."
                   11300: %
                   11301: QOTD:
                   11302:        "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
                   11303: %
                   11304: QOTD:
                   11305:        Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
                   11306:        going to put that thing *where*?"
                   11307: %
                   11308: QOTD:
                   11309:        My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
                   11310:        you stick those little prongs into it.
                   11311:                -- Mark-Jason Dominus
                   11312: %
                   11313: QOTD:
                   11314:        No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear.
                   11315: %
                   11316: QOTD:
                   11317:        "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
                   11318:        and lesbian has lavender skin.  On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
                   11319: %
                   11320: QOTD:
                   11321:        Sex is like everything else.  To get it done right, do it yourself.
                   11322: %
                   11323: QOTD:
                   11324:        She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
                   11325:        Ouch!  Ow!  My paw!  Ouch!!
                   11326: %
                   11327: QOTD:
                   11328:        "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
                   11329: %
                   11330: QOTD:
                   11331:        Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
                   11332:        and the others are more than willing to watch them.
                   11333: %
                   11334: QOTD:
                   11335:        "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
                   11336:        all night."
                   11337: %
                   11338: QOTD:
                   11339:        "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
                   11340:        a few good men!"
                   11341: %
                   11342: QOTD:
                   11343:        "The only real difference between men and women is that men are
                   11344:        crabby all month long."
                   11345: %
                   11346: QOTD:
                   11347:        "Well, let's say she's friendly.  Last year she was the Herpes
                   11348:        Poster Girl."
                   11349: %
                   11350: QOTD:
                   11351:        "What would the world be like without men?  A lot of fat,
                   11352:        happy women."
                   11353: %
                   11354: QOTD:
                   11355:        "When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
                   11356: %
                   11357: QOTD:
                   11358:        "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer!  Take a look at that purty young lady
                   11359:        over thar!  Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
                   11360:        glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
                   11361: %
                   11362: QOTD:
                   11363:        "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
                   11364:        Then get the fuck out."
                   11365: %
                   11366: QOTD:
                   11367:        "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
                   11368: %
                   11369: quickie, n:
                   11370:        A moment's piece.
                   11371: %
                   11372: quickie, n:
                   11373:        No sooner spread than done.
                   11374: %
                   11375: QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]   1. a unit of weight
                   11376: equal to 13 poiuyt  avoirdupois  (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
                   11377: structural engineering  2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
                   11378: grown sligo can carry.  3. [Anat.] a painful  irritation  of  the dermis
                   11379: in the region of the anus  4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
                   11380: symptoms of a qwert.
                   11381:                -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
                   11382: %
                   11383: Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
                   11384: Lisa:  Ralph... get off my back!!
                   11385: %
                   11386: randel, n:
                   11387:        A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
                   11388:        apology for farting at a friend.
                   11389:                -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
                   11390:                   Preposterous Words
                   11391: %
                   11392: Raquel Welch:          36-24-36
                   11393: Bo Derek:              35-24-36
                   11394: Ann-Margaret:          37-25-36
                   11395: Bette Middler:         37-25-36
                   11396: Marilyn Monroe:                37-24-37
                   11397: Jane Russell:          39-27-38
                   11398: Jayne Mansfield:       40-23-37
                   11399: Sophia Loren:          37-25-36
                   11400: %
                   11401: Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
                   11402: of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
                   11403: %
                   11404: Reach out and fuck someone.
                   11405: %
                   11406: Readers Ask:
                   11407:        Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
                   11408:
                   11409: Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
                   11410: usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible.  If
                   11411: a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
                   11412: possible to handle the situation with common household items.  However, much
                   11413: of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying.  First,
                   11414: driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
                   11415: it.  Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
                   11416: puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock?  Stake driving should be
                   11417: avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
                   11418: and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
                   11419: Handguns are also a definite no-no.  Common sense indicates that it requires
                   11420: more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
                   11421: through its body.  One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
                   11422: sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
                   11423: holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
                   11424: do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
                   11425: urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
                   11426: (i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut).  Sure, it's a lot of work.  But
                   11427: you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
                   11428: %
                   11429: real buddy, n:
                   11430:        Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
                   11431:        and give you one.
                   11432: %
                   11433: real class, adj:
                   11434:        When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
                   11435: %
                   11436: Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
                   11437: %
                   11438: Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
                   11439: Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
                   11440: Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
                   11441: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
                   11442:
                   11443: Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
                   11444: Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
                   11445: Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
                   11446: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
                   11447:
                   11448: Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
                   11449: Users of heroin, often called junkies
                   11450: Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
                   11451: Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
                   11452:
                   11453:        On a bad trip
                   11454:        When the cops come
                   11455:        When I lose my head
                   11456:        I simply take more of my favorite drugs
                   11457:        And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
                   11458:                -- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things"
                   11459: %
                   11460: Reformed, n:
                   11461:        A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
                   11462: %
                   11463: rejection, n:
                   11464:        When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
                   11465: %
                   11466: Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
                   11467: %
                   11468: Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
                   11469:                -- Frank Zappa
                   11470: %
                   11471: Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
                   11472: champagne is the best tenderizer.
                   11473: %
                   11474: Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
                   11475: sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
                   11476: changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
                   11477: out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up liking
                   11478: pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
                   11479: the other.
                   11480:                -- Jules Feiffer
                   11481: %
                   11482: Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
                   11483:        "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
                   11484:        "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
                   11485: someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
                   11486: blow job in the world!' on the wall."
                   11487:        "Ahh, hell," said the bartender.  "Don't give it a second thought,
                   11488: we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
                   11489:        "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
                   11490: phone number!"
                   11491: %
                   11492: Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
                   11493: Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
                   11494: %
                   11495: rodeo fuck, n:
                   11496:        When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
                   11497:        the worst piece of ass I've ever had!".  And then try to stay on
                   11498:        for seven seconds...
                   11499: %
                   11500: Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
                   11501: %
                   11502: Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
                   11503: With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
                   11504: The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
                   11505: So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
                   11506: Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
                   11507: With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
                   11508: Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
                   11509: They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
                   11510:        Roland the Thompson gunner...
                   11511: His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
                   11512: But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
                   11513: So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
                   11514: That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
                   11515:        Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
                   11516: Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
                   11517: He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
                   11518: Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
                   11519: But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
                   11520: The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
                   11521: Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
                   11522: In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
                   11523: Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
                   11524:                -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
                   11525: %
                   11526: ROMEO:         Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
                   11527: MERCUTIO:      No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
                   11528:                        as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
                   11529: %
                   11530: Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
                   11531: "And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
                   11532: "I am told a pogrom is being prepared.  Against the Jews and the barbers,"
                   11533:        replies Rosenberg.
                   11534: "Why the barbers?"
                   11535: "Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."
                   11536: %
                   11537: Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
                   11538: %
                   11539: Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
                   11540: %
                   11541: rugby, n:
                   11542:        A sport requiring leather balls.
                   11543: %
                   11544: Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
                   11545: two new uses for sheep.  Meat and wool.
                   11546: %
                   11547: Runners do it alone.
                   11548: %
                   11549: Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
                   11550: "The men like to spread my two legs,
                   11551:        Then slip in between,
                   11552:        If you know what I mean,
                   11553: And leave me the white of their eggs."
                   11554: %
                   11555: Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
                   11556: "This has been a most wonderful day.
                   11557:        Three cherry tarts,
                   11558:        At least twenty farts,
                   11559: Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
                   11560: %
                   11561: Said a girl who upon her divan
                   11562: Was attacked by a virile young man:
                   11563:        "Such excess of passion
                   11564:        Is quite out of fashion"
                   11565: And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
                   11566:                -- Edward Gorey
                   11567: %
                   11568: Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
                   11569: "What care I for this shortage of gum?
                   11570:        My favorite chew
                   11571:        Is a condom or two,
                   11572: With a goodly amount of fresh come."
                   11573: %
                   11574: Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
                   11575: "My favorite sport is coitus."
                   11576:        But a fullback from State,
                   11577:        Made her period late,
                   11578: And now she has athlete's fetus.
                   11579: %
                   11580: Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
                   11581: When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
                   11582:        "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
                   11583:        And tease it, and please it,
                   11584: For Rome wasn't built in a day."
                   11585: %
                   11586: Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
                   11587: Of all the girls that I've had,
                   11588:        None gave me the thrill
                   11589:        Of real rapture until
                   11590: I learned how to be a tribade."
                   11591: %
                   11592: Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
                   11593: To a sailor just off of a barge,
                   11594:        "We have one girl that's dead,
                   11595:        With a hole in her head--
                   11596: Of course there's a slight extra charge."
                   11597: %
                   11598: Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
                   11599: I'm simply too shy and afraid
                   11600:        To take part in your pranks.
                   11601:        But to show you my thanks,
                   11602: I'd just love to become your first aide.
                   11603: %
                   11604: Said a pornographistic young poet
                   11605: "Although I perhaps do not show it,
                   11606:        My interest in sin
                   11607:        Is wearing quite thin,
                   11608: And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
                   11609: %
                   11610: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
                   11611: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
                   11612:        "Try as hard as I can,
                   11613:         I can't find a man
                   11614: That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
                   11615: %
                   11616: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
                   11617: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
                   11618:        "Try as hard as I can,
                   11619:        I can't find a man
                   11620: That it's fun to be virtuous with."
                   11621: %
                   11622: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
                   11623: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
                   11624:        "Try as hard as I can,
                   11625:         I can't find a man
                   11626: That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
                   11627: %
                   11628: Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
                   11629: "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
                   11630:        Uhura said, "No,
                   11631:        At night that's not so--
                   11632: He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
                   11633: %
                   11634: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
                   11635: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
                   11636:        Let  v  be virginity
                   11637:        Approaching infinity;
                   11638: Let  p  be a constant persuasion;
                   11639:
                   11640: Let  p  over  p  be inverted
                   11641: With the square root of mu inserted
                   11642:        N  times into  v  ...
                   11643:        The result, Q E D,
                   11644: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
                   11645: %
                   11646: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
                   11647: Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
                   11648:        Let V be virginity
                   11649:        Approaching infinity;
                   11650: Let P be a constant persuasion;
                   11651:
                   11652: "Let V over P be inverted
                   11653: With the square root of Mu inserted
                   11654:        N times into V ...
                   11655:        The result, Q.E.D.,
                   11656: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
                   11657: %
                   11658: Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
                   11659: Is leading me straight to perdition;
                   11660:        But I haven't the strength
                   11661:        To go to the length
                   11662: Of making an act of contrition."
                   11663:                -- Edward Gorey
                   11664: %
                   11665: Said President Jobcock one day :
                   11666: "War's better than love, I should say.
                   11667:        Instead of a virgin,
                   11668:        It's murder I'm urgin'--
                   11669: You get lots more blood that-a-way."
                   11670: %
                   11671: Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
                   11672: "Only infidel dogs put it in.
                   11673:        Back home in Arabia
                   11674:        We nibble the labia
                   11675: Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
                   11676: %
                   11677: Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
                   11678: In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
                   11679:        "This nautch is delicious,
                   11680:         And without doubt nutritious.
                   11681: She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
                   11682: %
                   11683: Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
                   11684: "Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
                   11685:        I replied with some wit,
                   11686:        "Do you belch when you shit?"
                   11687: I think that was one up for me.
                   11688: %
                   11689: Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
                   11690: "This must be our final adieu,
                   11691:        For the vicar is slicker,
                   11692:        And thicker, and quicker,
                   11693: And two inches longer than you."
                   11694: %
                   11695: Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
                   11696: That he'd had all the heavenly host :
                   11697:        The Father and Son,
                   11698:        And then - just for fun -
                   11699: The hole in the Holy Ghost.
                   11700: %
                   11701: Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
                   11702: immensely profitable years in the construction business.
                   11703:        "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
                   11704: constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
                   11705: am I known as Sam the Builder?  No.
                   11706:        And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
                   11707: dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
                   11708: Sam the Philanthropist?  No sir!
                   11709:        But suck one little cock..."
                   11710: %
                   11711: San Francisco:
                   11712:        A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces
                   11713:        there.
                   11714: %
                   11715: San Francisco is my kind of city,
                   11716: Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
                   11717: %
                   11718: Save a forest - eat a beaver!
                   11719: %
                   11720: Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
                   11721: %
                   11722: Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
                   11723: %
                   11724: Save the whales.  Club a seal instead.
                   11725: %
                   11726: Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
                   11727: "I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
                   11728:        To a muffer's delight,
                   11729:        I'll take head on a flight,
                   11730: So the guy can have pie in the sky."
                   11731: %
                   11732: schnuffel, n.:
                   11733:        A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
                   11734:        company.
                   11735:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
                   11736: %
                   11737: "Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
                   11738: her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
                   11739: %
                   11740: Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
                   11741: ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
                   11742:                -- Edgar Berman
                   11743: %
                   11744: SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
                   11745: If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
                   11746: this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
                   11747:
                   11748: Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
                   11749: %
                   11750: Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
                   11751: the other suspiciously.  One of them turns to the other.
                   11752:        "What are you here for?" he asks.
                   11753:        "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
                   11754: and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
                   11755: but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
                   11756:        "Yeah, I now what you mean.  So, what are you here for?"
                   11757:        "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
                   11758: to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
                   11759:        "Oh.  Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
                   11760:        Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
                   11761:        "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
                   11762:        "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
                   11763:        "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
                   11764:        "OK.  Well, it's like this.  The bitch next door was in heat, and so
                   11765: I was feeling, you know, a bit randy.  Then Mistress came into the kitchen
                   11766: wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over.  I just couldn't
                   11767: resist it!" admitted the dog.
                   11768:        "Oh!  So you're here for the operation too!"
                   11769:        "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
                   11770: %
                   11771: Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
                   11772: were always in accord against the fourth.  One day, the odd rabbi out, with
                   11773: the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
                   11774: again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.  "Oh, God!" he cried.  "I
                   11775: know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!  Please show me a sign,
                   11776: so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
                   11777:        It was a beautiful, sunny day.  As soon as the rabbi finished his
                   11778: plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.  It rumbled once
                   11779: and dissolved.  "A sign from God!  See, I'm right, I knew it!"  But the other
                   11780: three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
                   11781:        So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
                   11782: right and they are wrong.  So please, God, a bigger sign."
                   11783:        This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
                   11784: one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
                   11785: the rabbis.  The cloud dispersed at once.  "I told you I was right!" insisted
                   11786: the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
                   11787: be explained by natural causes.
                   11788:        The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
                   11789: just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
                   11790: a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
                   11791:        The sky returns to normal.  The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
                   11792: and snarls, "Well?"  "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
                   11793: %
                   11794: Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar.  After assiduously
                   11795: pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
                   11796: a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian.  Confused, he asks
                   11797: her what that means.
                   11798:        "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
                   11799:        "Yeah..."
                   11800:        "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
                   11801:        "Yeah..."
                   11802:        "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
                   11803: then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
                   11804:        "Right!  Right!" interrupts the guy.  "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
                   11805: %
                   11806: Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
                   11807: asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
                   11808: imaginable.  Not horny, just homesick.
                   11809: %
                   11810: Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
                   11811: he just spots a glimmer of her face.  Gorgeous!  She moves, and her vestments
                   11812: cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body.  The guy gets more and
                   11813: more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
                   11814: believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
                   11815: Could we maybe talk?"
                   11816:        The nun almost runs off the bus.  As the young man's stop comes up,
                   11817: the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun.  The man
                   11818: starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him.  "No, don't apologize,
                   11819: I was checking her out myself.  Listen, you see where she got on?  She goes
                   11820: there every day, to a little park.  Why don't you meet here there?"
                   11821:        Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
                   11822: in a secluded grove of trees.  He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
                   11823: much more willing to talk.  After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
                   11824: she'd be willing to make love with him.  She blushes, smiles, blushes again
                   11825: and says "yes".  But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
                   11826: have to be the "back door".
                   11827:        As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
                   11828: panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
                   11829: you on the bus yesterday.
                   11830:        Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay.  I'm not really a nun.  I'm
                   11831: actually the bus driver."
                   11832: %
                   11833: Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
                   11834: symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
                   11835: production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
                   11836: security while they're being screwed.
                   11837: %
                   11838: Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
                   11839:                -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
                   11840: %
                   11841: SEMINARS:
                   11842:        From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
                   11843: %
                   11844: Sen. Danforth:  "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
                   11845:                notify you if the record has pornographics material or
                   11846:                material glorifying violence?"
                   11847: Tipper Gore:    "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
                   11848: Frank Zappa:    "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
                   11849:                the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
                   11850:                Johnny."
                   11851:
                   11852:                -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
                   11853:                   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
                   11854: %
                   11855: Send lawyers, guns, and money,
                   11856: The shit has hit the fan.
                   11857:                -- Warren Zevon
                   11858: %
                   11859: Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
                   11860:                -- Grover Cleveland, 1905
                   11861: %
                   11862: Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed
                   11863: in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If this is the way Queen
                   11864: Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have
                   11865: any."
                   11866: %
                   11867: Sex and drugs and UNIX.
                   11868: %
                   11869: Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
                   11870: You can do each while thinking about the other.
                   11871: %
                   11872: Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
                   11873:                -- Sophia Loren
                   11874: %
                   11875: Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
                   11876: %
                   11877: Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
                   11878: %
                   11879: Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
                   11880: %
                   11881: Sex is great,
                   11882: Sex is grand,
                   11883: Sex around here,
                   11884: Is mostly by hand.
                   11885: %
                   11886: Sex is just one damp thing after another.
                   11887: %
                   11888: Sex is like a bridge game --
                   11889: If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
                   11890: %
                   11891: Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
                   11892: %
                   11893: Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
                   11894: %
                   11895: Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
                   11896: %
                   11897: Sex is the poor man's opera.
                   11898:                -- G.B. Shaw
                   11899: %
                   11900: Sex is what women have and men want.
                   11901: %
                   11902: Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
                   11903: %
                   11904: SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
                   11905:        details at 11!
                   11906: %
                   11907: Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
                   11908: temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.  A shamus is at
                   11909: the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
                   11910: a joke about that:
                   11911:
                   11912: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
                   11913: service,
                   11914:        "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
                   11915: The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
                   11916:        "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
                   11917: The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
                   11918:        "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
                   11919: The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
                   11920:        "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
                   11921: %
                   11922: Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
                   11923: Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
                   11924: Let your pal be your guide.
                   11925: And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
                   11926:        or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
                   11927:        'cause it digs up your hat,
                   11928:        or has sex with your cat,
                   11929:        sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
                   11930:        and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
                   11931: Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
                   11932: We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
                   11933: %
                   11934: She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
                   11935: If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
                   11936: I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
                   11937: It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
                   11938: If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
                   11939: If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
                   11940: I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave
                   11941: It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
                   11942: My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
                   11943: Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
                   11944: I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
                   11945:                -- proposed Country-Western song titles
                   11946: %
                   11947: She asked me if I loved her still.
                   11948: "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had you any other way."
                   11949: %
                   11950: She begged and she pleaded for more.
                   11951: I said, "We've already had four,
                   11952:        And I'm sure that you've heard,
                   11953:        Though it's somewhat absurd,
                   11954: That eros spelt backwards is sore."
                   11955: %
                   11956: She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
                   11957:                -- Dorothy Parker
                   11958: %
                   11959: She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
                   11960: candidates for president.
                   11961:                -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
                   11962:                   on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
                   11963: %
                   11964: She made a thing of soft leather,
                   11965: And topped off the end with a feather.
                   11966:        When she poked it inside her
                   11967:        She took off like a glider,
                   11968: And gave up her lover forever.
                   11969: %
                   11970: She never liked zippers, she said,
                   11971: Until she opened one in bed.
                   11972: %
                   11973: She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
                   11974: And begged for a bang : goodness knows
                   11975:        I am surely impure
                   11976:        And I sizzled to scrure,
                   11977: But the push had gone out of my hose.
                   11978: %
                   11979: She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
                   11980: %
                   11981: She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
                   11982: When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
                   11983:        Now she's lying in the grass,
                   11984:        With the muffler up her ass,
                   11985: And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
                   11986: %
                   11987: She was only:
                   11988:        a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
                   11989:        a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
                   11990:        a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
                   11991:        a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
                   11992:        a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
                   11993:        a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
                   11994:        a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
                   11995: %
                   11996: She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
                   11997: Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
                   11998:        But she knew, just before
                   11999:        She opened the door,
                   12000: This same Mr. had kr. sr.
                   12001: %
                   12002: She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
                   12003: Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.  She reached back and
                   12004: unzipped her zipper.  It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
                   12005: and unzipped it again.  Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
                   12006: her on the top step.
                   12007:        "How dare you?" she demanded.
                   12008:        "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
                   12009: second time I thought we'd become good friends."
                   12010: %
                   12011: She wasn't what one could call pretty
                   12012: And other girls offered her pity,
                   12013:        So nobody guessed
                   12014:        That her Wasserman test
                   12015: Involved half the men in the city.
                   12016: %
                   12017: She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
                   12018: %
                   12019: She's looking for:     He's looking for:       Foreplay:
                   12020: 1957                   Someone who'll go       Her: Finding a place to put
                   12021: Mr. Nice Guy           all the way                  her gum
                   12022:                                                Him: Wondering which word would
                   12023:                                                     best describe her breasts
                   12024:                                                     to the guys
                   12025:
                   12026: 1967                   Someone who's got       The first ten minutes
                   12027: Mr. Natural            rolling papers and      of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
                   12028:                        will go all the way
                   12029:
                   12030: 1977                   Someone who'll go       Testing the batteries
                   12031: Mr. Goodbar            all the way in leg
                   12032:                        warmers and a leather
                   12033:                        face mask
                   12034:
                   12035: 1987                   Someone who's never     Examination of the genitalia
                   12036: Mr. Clean              gone all the way in     under the magnifying glass
                   12037:                        San Francisco           that Grandma used for needle-
                   12038:                                                point before she passed away
                   12039:                -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
                   12040: %
                   12041: She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
                   12042: %
                   12043: Shit happens.
                   12044: %
                   12045: Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
                   12046: totally awwwsome Apple.  Fer suuure.  I mean Apples are nice you
                   12047: know?  But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
                   12048: says that VAX's are cooler!  I mean I don't really know, you know?
                   12049: He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
                   12050: with memory-to-the-max!  Right, yeah.  And he wants to take me home
                   12051: to show it to me.  Oh My God!  I'm suuure.  Gag me with a Prime!
                   12052: %
                   12053: Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
                   12054: %
                   12055: Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
                   12056: I'm agog with excitement today!
                   12057:        And the reason of course,
                   12058:        A reliable source,
                   12059: Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
                   12060: %
                   12061: Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
                   12062: together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
                   12063: to attach a partner's hands.  Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
                   12064: isn't weightbearing.  See Discipline.
                   12065:                -- The Joy of Sex
                   12066: %
                   12067: Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
                   12068: "I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
                   12069:        Plus the yen, but the men
                   12070:        Only call now and then--
                   12071: Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
                   12072: %
                   12073: Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
                   12074: %
                   12075: Sixteen'll get you twenty.
                   12076: %
                   12077: Size counts.
                   12078: %
                   12079: small, adj:
                   12080:        Is it in yet?
                   12081: %
                   12082: Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
                   12083: %
                   12084: Sniff sniff...  Hey!  Who farted?
                   12085: %
                   12086: Snow White:
                   12087:        "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
                   12088:        but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
                   12089: %
                   12090: "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
                   12091: "Come on, take it out, and let's play."
                   12092:        He pulled it on out,
                   12093:        But she started to pout,
                   12094: His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
                   12095: %
                   12096: So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
                   12097: Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
                   12098: Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
                   12099: Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
                   12100: And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
                   12101:                -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
                   12102: %
                   12103: So here was this fellow of Strensall
                   12104: Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
                   12105:        Anemic, 'tis true,
                   12106:        But an interesting screw,
                   12107: Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
                   12108: %
                   12109: So, how's your love life?
                   12110: Still holding your own?
                   12111: %
                   12112: So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
                   12113: which one would you pick?
                   12114: %
                   12115: So it's ai yi yi yi,
                   12116: Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
                   12117: So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
                   12118: And waltz me around by my willie!
                   12119:
                   12120:        There once was a man from Nantucket!
                   12121:        Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
                   12122:                He said with a grin,
                   12123:                As he wiped off his chin,
                   12124:        If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
                   12125:
                   12126: So it's ai yi yi yi,
                   12127: Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
                   12128: So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
                   12129: And waltz me around by my willie!
                   12130:
                   12131:        There once was a young man from Boston!
                   12132:        Who drove around town in an Austin!
                   12133:                There was room for his ass,
                   12134:                And a gallon of gas,
                   12135:        So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
                   12136: %
                   12137: So it's ai yi yi yi,
                   12138: Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
                   12139: So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
                   12140: And waltz me around by my willie!
                   12141:
                   12142:        There once was a man from Racine!
                   12143:        Who invented a screwing machine!
                   12144:                Both concave and convex,
                   12145:                It could please either sex,
                   12146:        But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
                   12147:
                   12148: So it's ai yi yi yi,
                   12149: Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
                   12150: So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
                   12151: And waltz me around by my willie!
                   12152:
                   12153:        One night a girl had an affair!
                   12154:        With a fellow all covered with hair!
                   12155:                His enormous red whang,
                   12156:                Gave her a wonderful bang --
                   12157:        She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
                   12158: %
                   12159: So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
                   12160: lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape.  Inflation
                   12161: has eaten up our Social Security check.  The next one isn't due for a week
                   12162: and we've got no money left for food."
                   12163:        "Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
                   12164:        "Yes," he said.  "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
                   12165: You're going to have to go out and hustle."
                   12166:        "Me?" she asked.  "At the age of sixty-five?"
                   12167:        "It's the only way," he said.
                   12168: Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night.  She came
                   12169: staggering in early the next morning.
                   12170:        "How did you do?" asked the husband.
                   12171:        "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
                   12172:        "Four dollars and ten cents," he said .  "Who gave you the ten cents?"
                   12173:        "Everybody," she said.
                   12174: %
                   12175: So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our
                   12176: standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the 1950s, when
                   12177: I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just
                   12178: about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's
                   12179: breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate
                   12180: shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit
                   12181: than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
                   12182: Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
                   12183:                -- Dave Barry
                   12184: %
                   12185: So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
                   12186:        "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
                   12187: Polacks who --"
                   12188:        "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
                   12189: The salesman thought for a moment.
                   12190:        "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
                   12191: %
                   12192: So you fucked up... you trusted us!
                   12193:                -- Animal House
                   12194: %
                   12195: So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
                   12196: and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
                   12197: %
                   12198: Social interaction can be fatal.  Come to Irvine and live forever.
                   12199: %
                   12200: Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
                   12201: Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
                   12202:                -- Hair
                   12203: %
                   12204: Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
                   12205: %
                   12206: SOFTWARE:
                   12207:        Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
                   12208: %
                   12209: Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
                   12210: and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
                   12211: %
                   12212: Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
                   12213: Drank up several bottles of sherry;
                   12214:        In the Yard around three
                   12215:        They were shrieking with glee:
                   12216: "Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
                   12217:                -- Edward Gorey
                   12218: %
                   12219: Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
                   12220: unassisted.
                   12221:                -- Wilson Mizner
                   12222: %
                   12223: Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
                   12224: fucked the buffalo.
                   12225: %
                   12226: Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
                   12227: %
                   12228: Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
                   12229: %
                   12230: Some women are like musical glasses.
                   12231: To keep them in tune they must be wet.
                   12232:                -- Samuel Coleridge
                   12233: %
                   12234: Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
                   12235:                -- Noel Coward
                   12236: %
                   12237: Something better...
                   12238:
                   12239: 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God?
                   12240: 14 (complememtary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
                   12241:        perch on.
                   12242: 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
                   12243: 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
                   12244: 17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
                   12245: 18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
                   12246:        leave.
                   12247: 19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
                   12248: 20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
                   12249: 21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
                   12250: 22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
                   12251: 23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
                   12252:        coffee ... in Brazil.
                   12253: 24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original.  Most people just have their teeth
                   12254:        capped.
                   12255: 25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
                   12256:                -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
                   12257: %
                   12258: Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one."  I say, "I already have
                   12259: a good one.  Now I'm looking for a longer one."
                   12260:                -- George Carlin
                   12261: %
                   12262: Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
                   12263:                -- Risky Business
                   12264: %
                   12265: Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey.  That's just holy water.
                   12266:                -- Little Richard
                   12267: %
                   12268: SPINSTER:
                   12269:        Unlusted number.
                   12270: %
                   12271: Starkle, starkle, little twink,
                   12272: Who the hell you are I think
                   12273: I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
                   12274: I'm just a little slort of sheep.
                   12275: Tee martoonis make a guy,
                   12276: Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
                   12277: So mass the pixer and kill my fup
                   12278: I've all day sober to sunday up.
                   12279: %
                   12280: Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
                   12281: %
                   12282: Statisticians probably do it.
                   12283: %
                   12284: Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
                   12285: %
                   12286: Stockmayer's Theorem:
                   12287:        If it looks easy, it's tough.
                   12288:        If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
                   12289: %
                   12290: STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
                   12291:        Bust truster.
                   12292: %
                   12293: stress, n:
                   12294:        The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
                   12295:        desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
                   12296:        desperately needs it.
                   12297: %
                   12298: subpoena, n:
                   12299:        From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
                   12300:        or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
                   12301: %
                   12302: Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
                   12303: %
                   12304: Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
                   12305:                -- James P. Hogan
                   12306: %
                   12307: successful cunnilingus:
                   12308:        When you wake up the next morning with a face like a
                   12309:        frosted doughnut.
                   12310: %
                   12311: SUGAR DADDY:
                   12312:        A man who can afford to raise cain.
                   12313: %
                   12314: Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
                   12315: Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
                   12316: %
                   12317: Sure banking is Biblical!
                   12318:
                   12319: How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
                   12320: Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
                   12321: little prophet?  And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
                   12322: Banks of the Jordan!
                   12323: %
                   12324: Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life.  People
                   12325: know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
                   12326: %
                   12327: swallow, v:
                   12328:        The (blew) bird of birth control.
                   12329: %
                   12330: Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
                   12331: %
                   12332: Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
                   12333: A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
                   12334: If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
                   12335: There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
                   12336:        And you're fair game,
                   12337:        You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
                   12338:        Just relax, enjoy the ride.
                   12339: Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
                   12340: But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
                   12341: 'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
                   12342: The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
                   12343:        (chorus)
                   12344: The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
                   12345: She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
                   12346: Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
                   12347: And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
                   12348:        (chorus)
                   12349:                -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
                   12350: %
                   12351: Taoism: Shit Happens.
                   12352: Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens".
                   12353: Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
                   12354: Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
                   12355: Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
                   12356: Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
                   12357: Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
                   12358: %
                   12359: TAXIDERMIST:
                   12360:        A man who mounts animals.
                   12361: %
                   12362: Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep.  And, like the old Basque
                   12363: sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
                   12364: it's time to spend a night in town.
                   12365: %
                   12366: tear leather:
                   12367:        To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
                   12368:        his leather jerkin' off."
                   12369: %
                   12370: tearing off a quicky:
                   12371:        Gunning the jump.
                   12372: %
                   12373: Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond!
                   12374: %
                   12375: Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
                   12376: %
                   12377: Television is a whore.  Any man who wants her full favors can have them
                   12378: in five minutes with a pistol.
                   12379:                -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
                   12380: %
                   12381: Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant.  "I've
                   12382: got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
                   12383: If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
                   12384: life."
                   12385:        Then the store owner left for lunch.  When he returned, he was shocked
                   12386: to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
                   12387:        "My God, what happened to you?"
                   12388:        "I sold the suit!  I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
                   12389: on his bloodied lips.
                   12390:        "Congratulations," the haberdasher said.  "You've got the job.  But
                   12391: what happened?  Did the customer start a fight?"
                   12392:        "Oh, no," the new salesman replied.  "But his Seeing Eye dog was
                   12393: *pissed*."
                   12394: %
                   12395: Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
                   12396: Take two at the very most.
                   12397: Take three and you're under the table,
                   12398: Take four and you're under the host.
                   12399: %
                   12400: Test makers do it:
                   12401:        A: sometimes
                   12402:        B: always
                   12403:        C: never
                   12404:        D: none of the above.
                   12405: %
                   12406: TEXAN:
                   12407:        A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
                   12408: %
                   12409: Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
                   12410: She obliges all who accost her.
                   12411:        She welcomes the prick
                   12412:        Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
                   12413: Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
                   12414: %
                   12415: That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
                   12416: %
                   12417: That Harvard don down at El Djim --
                   12418: Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
                   12419:        With the whole harem randy,
                   12420:        The sheik himself handy,
                   12421: To muss up a young camel's quim.
                   12422: %
                   12423: That naughty old Sappho of Greece
                   12424: Said: "What I prefer to a piece
                   12425:        Is to have my pudenda
                   12426:        Rubbed hard by the enda
                   12427: The little pink nose of my niece."
                   12428: %
                   12429: That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
                   12430: pipeline.  Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt.  When
                   12431: he got back, he was a husky fucker.
                   12432: %
                   12433: The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
                   12434: of her particular order.  The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
                   12435: began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
                   12436: nine.  Candles out at ten."
                   12437: %
                   12438: The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
                   12439: Do an act in the nude on their knees.
                   12440:        They crawl down the aisle
                   12441:        While screwing dog-style,
                   12442: As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
                   12443: %
                   12444: The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
                   12445: home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks.  One evening,
                   12446: when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
                   12447: law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress."  Shyly,
                   12448: the brother-in-law did as she requested.  "Now," she continued, "take off my
                   12449: slip."  He again complied.  "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
                   12450: my panties and bra."  Once more James obeyed her command.
                   12451:        Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
                   12452: and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James.  Don't ever let
                   12453: me catch you wearing my things again."
                   12454: %
                   12455: The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
                   12456: Fell into the water baptismal;
                   12457:        Ere they'd gathered its plight,
                   12458:        It had sunk out of sight,
                   12459: For the depth of the font was abysmal.
                   12460:                -- Edward Gorey
                   12461: %
                   12462: The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
                   12463: They have kept me awake for a week.
                   12464:        Why do newlyweds
                   12465:        Select squeaky beds
                   12466: To develop their fucking technique?
                   12467: %
                   12468: The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
                   12469: %
                   12470: The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
                   12471: Evidently He made her on Saturday night.  She reveals his fatigue.
                   12472:                -- Dumas
                   12473: %
                   12474: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
                   12475: sex for money usually costs a lot less.
                   12476:                -- Brendan Francis
                   12477: %
                   12478: The bishop of Alexandretta
                   12479: Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
                   12480:        So he thought he'd enshrine her
                   12481:        As the Holy Vagina
                   12482: In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
                   12483: %
                   12484: The blacksmith told me before he died,
                   12485: And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
                   12486: That no matter how he tried,
                   12487: His wife was never satisfied!
                   12488:
                   12489: And so he built a bloody great wheel,
                   12490: Harnessed to a cock of steel,
                   12491: Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
                   12492: And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
                   12493:
                   12494: Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
                   12495: In and out went the cock of steel,
                   12496: Till at last the maiden cried,
                   12497: "Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
                   12498:
                   12499: And now we come to the crucial bit --
                   12500: There was no way of stopping it.
                   12501: And she was split from hole to hole,
                   12502: And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
                   12503: %
                   12504: The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
                   12505: they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
                   12506:        "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
                   12507: any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
                   12508:        "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
                   12509: fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
                   12510: %
                   12511: The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
                   12512:                -- Sidney J. Hurtubise
                   12513: %
                   12514: The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
                   12515: They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
                   12516: there.  Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
                   12517:        One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
                   12518: to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
                   12519:        Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
                   12520: "You must mean _faux_pas_."
                   12521:        "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
                   12522:        Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
                   12523: phrase -- it means a social blunder.  Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
                   12524: for dinner?  Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
                   12525: roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn.  It was bleeding quite
                   12526: a bit so Mother brought him in the house.  They went into the bathroom together
                   12527: and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
                   12528: table.  Remember all that, Ed?"
                   12529:        "Yeh."
                   12530:        "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
                   12531: the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?'  The gravy
                   12532: bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
                   12533: over everyone.  And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
                   12534: 'Sheee-itt!'  You remember that?"
                   12535:        "Yeh."
                   12536:        "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
                   12537: %
                   12538: The bustard's a remarkable fowl
                   12539: With surely no reason to growl
                   12540:        He escapes what would be
                   12541:        Illegitimacy
                   12542: By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
                   12543: %
                   12544: The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
                   12545: %
                   12546: The computer is the ultimate polluter:
                   12547: Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
                   12548: %
                   12549: The country girl who became a city madam
                   12550: has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
                   12551: %
                   12552: The cruelest of creatures' the crab
                   12553: With claws that can pinch you or stab,
                   12554:        And then when you dine
                   12555:        On crab and white wine
                   12556: It gets you as well with the tab.
                   12557: %
                   12558: The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
                   12559: the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
                   12560: %
                   12561: The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
                   12562: is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
                   12563: %
                   12564: The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
                   12565: %
                   12566: The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men
                   12567: went down on the Titanic.
                   12568: %
                   12569: The difference between like and love is the
                   12570: same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
                   12571: %
                   12572: The difference between this school and a cactus plant
                   12573: is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
                   12574: %
                   12575: The difference between women and girls
                   12576: is as much as twenty years in some states.
                   12577: %
                   12578: The Dowager Duchess of Spout
                   12579: Collapsed at the height of a rout;
                   12580:        She found strength to say
                   12581:        As they bore her away:
                   12582: "I should never have taken the trout."
                   12583:                -- Edward Gorey
                   12584: %
                   12585: The early worm gets the bird.
                   12586: %
                   12587: The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
                   12588: text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
                   12589: %
                   12590: The Enterprise crew when off work
                   12591: Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
                   12592:        Uhura the Zulu
                   12593:        Is shcked up with Sulu,
                   12594: And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
                   12595: %
                   12596: The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
                   12597: Have chased Spock for several years.
                   12598:        His look of disdain
                   12599:        Has spared them great pain,
                   12600: For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
                   12601: %
                   12602: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
                   12603: out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
                   12604:                -- New Libertarian Notes, #19
                   12605: %
                   12606: The fearless old bishop of Brest
                   12607: Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
                   12608:        He fucked whores in the apse
                   12609:        With chancres and claps,
                   12610: But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
                   12611: %
                   12612: The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
                   12613: Came to light with its face in its belly;
                   12614:        Her second was born
                   12615:        With a hump and a horn,
                   12616: And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
                   12617:                -- Edward Gorey
                   12618: %
                   12619: The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
                   12620: the bedroom.
                   12621:                -- Richard Lewis
                   12622: %
                   12623: The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
                   12624: black smoke over the street.  At last the blaze was under control and the
                   12625: fire chief began accounting for his men.  Two were missing, so he ordered
                   12626: a search.  Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
                   12627: and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
                   12628: garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
                   12629:        "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
                   12630:        "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
                   12631: top panted.
                   12632:        "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
                   12633: the captain yelled.
                   12634:        "I know.  That's what started this," the fireman replied.
                   12635: %
                   12636: The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
                   12637:        -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
                   12638:        -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
                   12639:        -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
                   12640:        -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
                   12641:        -- You have drinks with William Holden.
                   12642:        -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
                   12643: %
                   12644: The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
                   12645: %
                   12646: The genital area of Ann
                   12647: Will accommodate any size man,
                   12648:        From the wee that cause titters
                   12649:        To the mighty twat-splitters
                   12650: That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
                   12651: %
                   12652: The girls that go to see a man's etchings
                   12653: may not know art, but they know what they like.
                   12654: %
                   12655: The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives.  He had cured
                   12656: their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
                   12657: He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
                   12658: particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
                   12659: doctor's hut.  "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
                   12660: "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
                   12661: marriage and we believe what you say.  This morning white child born to
                   12662: woman in village.  You only white man in jungle.  What I tell my people?"
                   12663:        The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window.  "My son," he said,
                   12664: "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
                   12665: phenomenon known as an albino.  But look at the flock of sheep upon that
                   12666: hill.  Every one is snow white except one.  The white baby born to the
                   12667: woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
                   12668: in the white flock.  It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
                   12669:        The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
                   12670: he said.  "You no tell -- I no tell."
                   12671: %
                   12672: The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
                   12673: %
                   12674: The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
                   12675:                -- Truman Capote
                   12676: %
                   12677: The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
                   12678: These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
                   12679: results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays.  What must be
                   12680: kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first
                   12681: put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well
                   12682: pleases.
                   12683:                -- Sir Josiah Stamp
                   12684: %
                   12685: The greatest lies of all time:
                   12686:         (1) I love you.
                   12687:         (2) This won't hurt a bit.
                   12688:         (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
                   12689:         (4) The check is in the mail.
                   12690:         (5) I was just going to call you.
                   12691:         (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
                   12692:         (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
                   12693:         (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
                   12694:         (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
                   12695:        (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
                   12696: %
                   12697: The Grecians were famed for fine art,
                   12698: And buildings and stonework so smart.
                   12699:        They distinguished with poise
                   12700:        The men from the boys,
                   12701: And used crowbars to keep them apart.
                   12702: %
                   12703: The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
                   12704:
                   12705: -- The morning after note reads:
                   12706:        Whiting, Barbara:
                   12707:        I enjoyed last night.  We really interfaced.  You looked so cute
                   12708:        I wanted to byte your ear.
                   12709: -- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
                   12710: -- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
                   12711: -- The last straw:
                   12712:        Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
                   12713:        program and shows up an hour late.
                   12714:
                   12715:        You Don't...:
                   12716:                Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
                   12717:        You Do...:
                   12718:                Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
                   12719:                indicate a malfunction.
                   12720: %
                   12721: The harder they come, the more important it is to have
                   12722: an extra-firm mattress.
                   12723: %
                   12724: The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
                   12725: outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
                   12726: the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys.  Unless these contractions
                   12727: occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
                   12728: mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
                   12729:                -- John Hughes, National Lampoon
                   12730: %
                   12731: The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
                   12732: %
                   12733: The hope that springs eternal
                   12734: Springs right up your behind.
                   12735:                -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
                   12736: %
                   12737: The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
                   12738: particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
                   12739:        "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
                   12740: was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
                   12741:        His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
                   12742: time?"
                   12743: %
                   12744: The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
                   12745: and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
                   12746: lovemaking.
                   12747:        "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
                   12748: was advised.  "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
                   12749: even if it's right inside the front door."
                   12750:        At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
                   12751: husband had followed his instructions.  "And how did she react this time?"
                   12752: the consultant asked.
                   12753:        "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
                   12754: sort of indifferent.  But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
                   12755: absolutely wild!"
                   12756: %
                   12757: The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
                   12758: day early and would be home on Thursday.  When he walked into his apartment,
                   12759: however, he found his wife in bed with another man.  Furious,he picked up his
                   12760: bag and stormed out.  He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
                   12761: had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
                   12762:        "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
                   12763: the older woman pleaded.  Reluctantly, he agreed.
                   12764:        An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
                   12765: "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
                   12766: in her voice.  "She didn't receive your telegram!"
                   12767: %
                   12768: The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
                   12769: Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to
                   12770: pull it out at the last minute.
                   12771:                -- Not the Nine O'Clock News
                   12772: %
                   12773: The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
                   12774: two great kingdoms.  Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
                   12775: other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
                   12776: account of the wedding night's progress.
                   12777:        "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
                   12778: entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
                   12779: honor.'  Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
                   12780: And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
                   12781: %
                   12782: The King named Oedipus Rex
                   12783: Who started this fuss about sex
                   12784:        Put the world to great pains
                   12785:        By the spots and the stains
                   12786: Which he made on his mother's pubex.
                   12787: %
                   12788: The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
                   12789: To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
                   12790:        And cried, "Oh, my dear,
                   12791:        I am coming, I fear,
                   12792: But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
                   12793: %
                   12794: The kings of Peru were the Incas,
                   12795: Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
                   12796:        They worshipped the sun
                   12797:        And had lots of fun,
                   12798: But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
                   12799: %
                   12800: The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
                   12801: is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
                   12802: town in which virtually everyone is gay.  In 1976, a group of about 100
                   12803: gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
                   12804: majority on the town council.  Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
                   12805: soon followed.  "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
                   12806: has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
                   12807: anti-straight laws are equally valid."  Rigorous enforcement of those laws
                   12808: has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay.  Said one long-time
                   12809: resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
                   12810: want to give up sex either.  Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
                   12811: said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
                   12812: wife.  Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
                   12813: Fact is, I rather like it."
                   12814: %
                   12815: The lights are on,
                   12816: but you're not home;
                   12817: Your will
                   12818: is not your own;
                   12819: Your heart sweats,
                   12820: Your teeth grind;
                   12821: Another kiss
                   12822: and you'll be mine...
                   12823:
                   12824: You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
                   12825: (Oh Yeah!)
                   12826: It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
                   12827: You know you're gonna have to face it,
                   12828: You're addicted to love!"
                   12829:                -- Robert Palmer
                   12830: %
                   12831: The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
                   12832: they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
                   12833:        That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
                   12834: making love.  Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
                   12835: a baby brother."
                   12836:        "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
                   12837: puppy."
                   12838: %
                   12839: The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
                   12840: containing two recently deceased monkeys.  Her instructions to the proprietor
                   12841: were delivered in a welter of tears.
                   12842:        "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)...  Don't
                   12843: see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
                   12844: (blubber,blubber)!"
                   12845:        "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
                   12846: "and would you care to have them mounted?"
                   12847:        "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands.  They were just close friends."
                   12848: %
                   12849: The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
                   12850: Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
                   12851:        A demon for semen,
                   12852:        This buffersome he-man
                   12853: Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
                   12854: %
                   12855: The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate.  Then she
                   12856: whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
                   12857: were thinking of."  Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
                   12858: exchange are obscure.  But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
                   12859: a certain awful recognition.
                   12860:                -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
                   12861: %
                   12862: The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary.  She
                   12863: is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
                   12864:                -- Norton
                   12865: %
                   12866: The Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
                   12867: the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
                   12868:                -- Rabbi Meir Kahane
                   12869: %
                   12870: The mind is its own place, and in itself
                   12871: Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
                   12872: What matter where, if I be still the same,
                   12873: And what I should be, all but less than he
                   12874: Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
                   12875: We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
                   12876: Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
                   12877: Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
                   12878: To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
                   12879: Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
                   12880:                -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
                   12881: %
                   12882: The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
                   12883: %
                   12884: The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
                   12885: %
                   12886: The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
                   12887: %
                   12888: The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
                   12889: jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
                   12890: %
                   12891: The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
                   12892: "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
                   12893:                -- Larry Brown
                   12894: %
                   12895: The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
                   12896: that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
                   12897: %
                   12898: The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
                   12899: virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
                   12900: you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
                   12901: stimulate in order to make sex interesting.  The real lover is the
                   12902: man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
                   12903: your eyes - or just by staring into space.
                   12904:                -- Marilyn Monroe
                   12905: %
                   12906: The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
                   12907: adopted children.
                   12908:                -- Paul Ehrlich
                   12909: %
                   12910: The moving finger having writ... gestures.
                   12911: %
                   12912: The moyel who treated young Alec
                   12913: Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
                   12914:        Presented the child
                   12915:        His aim was so wild
                   12916: He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
                   12917: %
                   12918: The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
                   12919: their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
                   12920:        "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
                   12921: the dinner table."
                   12922:        Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
                   12923: and climbed quietly between the sheets.  "Is that better?" he asked, with a
                   12924: hint of a smile.
                   12925:        "Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
                   12926:        "Very good, darling," the husband whispered.  "Now would you
                   12927: be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
                   12928: %
                   12929: The new cinematic emporium
                   12930: Is not just a super-sensorium,
                   12931:        But a highly effectual
                   12932:        Heterosexual
                   12933: Mutual masturbatorium.
                   12934: %
                   12935: The new local cinematorium
                   12936: Is not only a super sensorium,
                   12937:        But a highly effectual
                   12938:        Heterosexual
                   12939: Mutual masturbatorium.
                   12940: %
                   12941: The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
                   12942: hardly speak.  He asked his Monsignor how he could relax.  The Monsignor
                   12943: replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
                   12944: pitcher.  The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
                   12945: returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.
                   12946:
                   12947:        1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
                   12948:        2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
                   12949:        3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
                   12950:        4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
                   12951:        5. The recommended grace before meals is not,
                   12952:                "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
                   12953:        6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
                   12954:                Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
                   12955:        7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
                   12956:        8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
                   12957:                to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
                   12958:        9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
                   12959:        10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
                   12960:                Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
                   12961:                Contest at St. Taffy's.
                   12962: %
                   12963: The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard.  From resplendent comb
                   12964: to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood.  Almost immediately
                   12965: upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
                   12966: barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime.  All I
                   12967: want now is peace and solitude.  So you take over right now as ruler of the
                   12968: roost with my blessings."
                   12969:        The newcomer did just that.  He went about his squirely duties as only
                   12970: a young rooster could.  After several days, however, the elder rooster again
                   12971: took the young champion behind the barn.  "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
                   12972: me for giving up my position so readily.  So why don't we have a race, say,
                   12973: ten laps around the farmhouse?  The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
                   12974: henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
                   12975:        The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
                   12976: Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead.  His counterpart,
                   12977: weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
                   12978: overtake him.  As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
                   12979: maintained a formidable lead.
                   12980:        Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out.  The young rooster fell in the
                   12981: dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
                   12982:        "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer.  "That's the last rooster we buy
                   12983: from Ferguson.  Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
                   12984: %
                   12985: The nipples of Sarah Sarong
                   12986: When excited are twelve inches long
                   12987:        This embarassed her lover
                   12988:        Who was pained to discover
                   12989: She expected no less of his dong
                   12990: %
                   12991: The notorious Duchess of Peels
                   12992: Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
                   12993:        Said she, "Would you mind? --
                   12994:        Shove one up my behind.
                   12995: I am anxious to know how it feels."
                   12996: %
                   12997: The office brown-noser named Bunky
                   12998: Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
                   12999:        But when the chips were all down,
                   13000:        His proboscis was brown,
                   13001: And there hung many strands which were gunky.
                   13002: %
                   13003: The old archeologist, Throstle,
                   13004: Discovered a marvelous fossil.
                   13005:        He knew from its bend
                   13006:        And the knot on the end,
                   13007: T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
                   13008: %
                   13009: The once was a man from Bombay
                   13010: Who modeled his cunts out of clay
                   13011:        So hot was his prick
                   13012:        That he turned them to brick
                   13013: And rubbed all his foreskin away.
                   13014: %
                   13015: The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
                   13016: that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
                   13017: %
                   13018: The only difference between your girlfriend
                   13019: and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
                   13020: %
                   13021: The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
                   13022:                -- Stendhal
                   13023: %
                   13024: The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
                   13025: that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
                   13026: %
                   13027: The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
                   13028:                -- Mike O'Dell
                   13029: %
                   13030: The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common
                   13031: lamp-post.
                   13032:                -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
                   13033: %
                   13034: The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
                   13035: bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
                   13036:                -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor
                   13037: %
                   13038: The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
                   13039: her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
                   13040:                -- Oscar Wilde
                   13041: %
                   13042: The only way you'll ever hear from
                   13043: me is if you're living in the same hell.
                   13044:                -- Roy Harper
                   13045: %
                   13046: The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
                   13047: catch to the diskette reader.  Uncontrollably, she reached down,
                   13048: guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
                   13049: The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
                   13050: her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
                   13051: hand instinctively taking an option zero.  And then it all came at
                   13052: once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
                   13053: to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
                   13054: of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
                   13055: %
                   13056: The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
                   13057: %
                   13058: The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
                   13059:        "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.  "Who is this fellow?"
                   13060:        "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
                   13061: "What IS your name?"
                   13062: %
                   13063: The partition of Vavasour Scowles
                   13064: Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
                   13065:        In a firkin; his brain
                   13066:        Was found clogging a drain,
                   13067: And his toes were inside of some towels.
                   13068:                -- Edward Gorey
                   13069: %
                   13070: The penis mightier than the sword.
                   13071: %
                   13072: the perfect worman:
                   13073:        Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
                   13074:        your drink.
                   13075:
                   13076:        [Pistol-grip ears?  Ed.]
                   13077: %
                   13078: The pleasure is momentary,
                   13079: The position ridiculous,
                   13080: The expense damnable.
                   13081:                -- Chesterfield, on sex
                   13082: %
                   13083: The pleasure is transitory, the cost
                   13084: prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
                   13085:                -- Disraeli, on sex
                   13086: %
                   13087: The plural of spouse is spice.
                   13088:                -- R.A. Heinlein
                   13089: %
                   13090: The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
                   13091: who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office.  His voluptuous private
                   13092: secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
                   13093: been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
                   13094:        "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
                   13095: twenty-dollar raise.  At the end of the second week he called me into his
                   13096: private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
                   13097: and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.'  At the end of the
                   13098: third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole.  Then, this afternoon, he called me
                   13099: into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
                   13100: and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
                   13101: I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
                   13102: for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
                   13103: dollars.  That's when he jumped out the window."
                   13104: %
                   13105: The poor little doe
                   13106: Crawled out of the woods,
                   13107: Tired, bedraggled and blue.
                   13108: "Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
                   13109: I should have asked for two!"
                   13110: %
                   13111: The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon.  He stops
                   13112: for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
                   13113: of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
                   13114:        "Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
                   13115:        "Say, thanks," says the Pope.  "You got an eraser?"
                   13116: %
                   13117: The prick of the engineer, Scott,
                   13118: Fell off from Saturnian rot.
                   13119:        He went to the basement
                   13120:        And made a replacement
                   13121: Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
                   13122: %
                   13123: The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
                   13124: one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
                   13125: He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael.  The next week he
                   13126: noticed the same thing.  So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
                   13127: as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
                   13128:        "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
                   13129: singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
                   13130:        Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
                   13131: wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
                   13132:        The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
                   13133: that anymore.  I'll be watching you from now on."
                   13134:        When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
                   13135: Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent.  He said, "Mother,
                   13136: you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
                   13137: What is a blow job?"
                   13138:        Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
                   13139: %
                   13140: The problem with being best man at a wedding
                   13141: is that you never get a chance to prove it.
                   13142: %
                   13143: The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
                   13144: Senator.  After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
                   13145: how is Brown going to get to Washington?
                   13146: %
                   13147: The public is an old woman.  Let her maunder and mumble.
                   13148:                -- Thomas Carlyle
                   13149: %
                   13150: The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
                   13151: length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
                   13152: %
                   13153: The randy old Bey of Algiers
                   13154: Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
                   13155:        Tried a cunt for a change,
                   13156:        And remarked : "It felt strange ...
                   13157: Just think what I've missed all these years!"
                   13158: %
                   13159: The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
                   13160: to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
                   13161: %
                   13162: The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
                   13163: %
                   13164: The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
                   13165: they can't masturbate.
                   13166: %
                   13167: The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
                   13168: rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
                   13169: %
                   13170: The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
                   13171: %
                   13172: The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
                   13173: Called a girl a most elegant creature.
                   13174:        So she laid on her back
                   13175:        And, exposing her crack,
                   13176: Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
                   13177: %
                   13178: The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
                   13179: Called a hen a most elegant creature.
                   13180:        The hen, pleased with that,
                   13181:        Laid an egg in his hat --
                   13182: And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
                   13183:                -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
                   13184: %
                   13185: The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
                   13186: %
                   13187: The rich man uses vaseline,
                   13188:        The poor man uses lard;
                   13189: The worker uses axle grease
                   13190:        But gets it twice as hard.
                   13191: %
                   13192: The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date.  He was
                   13193: certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
                   13194:        "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
                   13195:        "There certainly is," she agreed.
                   13196:        "Some really bright stars in the sky."
                   13197:        She nodded.
                   13198:        "Some dew on the grass."
                   13199:        "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
                   13200: %
                   13201: The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
                   13202: community.  The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
                   13203: %
                   13204: The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
                   13205: dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said...
                   13206:        "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
                   13207: %
                   13208: The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
                   13209:                -- Diana Rigg
                   13210: %
                   13211: The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
                   13212: He fucks her.
                   13213: She bites his head off.
                   13214:                -- From a Women's Lib Poster
                   13215: %
                   13216: The sex was nice, but confusing.  The whole situation kept going di-polar
                   13217: on Sta-Hi.  One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
                   13218: survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
                   13219: woman to be husbanded.  But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
                   13220: her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
                   13221: toilet.  Just like with any other woman for him, really.
                   13222:                -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
                   13223: %
                   13224: The Shah of the Empire of Persia
                   13225: Lay for days in a sexual merger.
                   13226:        When the nautch asked the Shah,
                   13227:        "Won't you ever withdraw?"
                   13228: He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
                   13229: %
                   13230: The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
                   13231: doctor that his marriage was still in name only.  The doctor, after hearing
                   13232: the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
                   13233: psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
                   13234: felt in the mood.  A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
                   13235: and noticed a new spring in his step.  "My advice worked, I take it?" he
                   13236: inquired.
                   13237:        The young man grinned.  "Perfectly.  The other night, we were having
                   13238: supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she!  Our hands touched... It
                   13239: was as if an electric current ran through us.  I leaped to my feet, swept the
                   13240: dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage!  There's
                   13241: just one problem, however.  We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
                   13242: %
                   13243: The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
                   13244: At breakfast with horrid dismay,
                   13245:        So he launched off the spoons
                   13246:        The pits from his prunes
                   13247: At their heads as they neared the buffet.
                   13248:                -- Edward Gorey
                   13249: %
                   13250: The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
                   13251: Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
                   13252:        That when posed on her toes
                   13253:        She elaborately shows
                   13254: Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
                   13255: %
                   13256: The spouse of a pretty young thing
                   13257: Came home from the wars in the spring.
                   13258:        He was lame but he came
                   13259:        With his dame like a flame --
                   13260: A discharge is a wondeful thing.
                   13261: %
                   13262: The star of that X-rated hit
                   13263: Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
                   13264:        This serves as a palace
                   13265:        For each turgid phallus--
                   13266: Some say that the plot is pure shit.
                   13267: %
                   13268: The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
                   13269: %
                   13270: The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
                   13271: like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
                   13272:                -- Lord Halifax
                   13273: %
                   13274: The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
                   13275: And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
                   13276:        He caught a big mouse
                   13277:        Which he loosed in the house.
                   13278: (Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
                   13279: %
                   13280: The sun was shining brightly           The breeze was blowing briskly,
                   13281: And I could hardly wait,               It made the flowers sway,
                   13282: To ponder at my window                 The garden was enchanting
                   13283: And gaze at my estate.                 On this inspiring day.
                   13284:
                   13285: My eyes fell on a little bird,         I smiled at him cheerfully
                   13286: With a beautiful yellow bill,          And gave him a crust of bread,
                   13287: I beckoned him to come and light       And then I closed the window
                   13288: Upon my window sill.                   And smashed his fucking head.
                   13289:                -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
                   13290: %
                   13291: "The testes are cooler outside,"
                   13292: Said the doc to the curious bride,
                   13293:        "For the semen must no
                   13294:        Get too fucking hot,
                   13295: And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
                   13296: %
                   13297: "The testes are cooler outside,"
                   13298: Said the doc to the curious bride,
                   13299:        "For the semen must not
                   13300:        Get too fucking hot,
                   13301: And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
                   13302: %
                   13303: The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
                   13304: %
                   13305: The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
                   13306: %
                   13307: The three sexual positions during preganancy.
                   13308:
                   13309: During the first four months:  Missionary style
                   13310: During the second four months: Doggie style
                   13311: And during the last month:     Coyote style
                   13312:
                   13313: Coyote style?
                   13314:        You sit by the hole and howl.
                   13315: %
                   13316: The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
                   13317: %
                   13318: The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
                   13319: threatened to spread to adjoining homes.  Just then, a truck filled with
                   13320: farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire.  The crowd moved
                   13321: back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames.  The workers
                   13322: jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
                   13323: blaze under control.
                   13324:        The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
                   13325: gave each a plaque and $1000.  After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
                   13326: driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
                   13327:        "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
                   13328: "is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
                   13329: %
                   13330: The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
                   13331: %
                   13332: The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel.  They
                   13333: were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
                   13334: off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
                   13335: Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
                   13336: he said his prayers.  As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
                   13337: flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
                   13338: He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway.  "It's too late,
                   13339: called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
                   13340: %
                   13341: The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
                   13342: great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
                   13343: This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
                   13344: The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
                   13345: ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
                   13346:        "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
                   13347: The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
                   13348:        "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
                   13349: %
                   13350: The two things that you should never lend out are your car
                   13351: or your woman.  Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
                   13352: %
                   13353: The Unitarians are really just a bunch of athiests who really
                   13354: like going to church.
                   13355: %
                   13356: The Utah version of this joke goes:
                   13357:        One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
                   13358: office one day.  The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
                   13359: that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
                   13360:        The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
                   13361: in the lobby!!"
                   13362:        The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come!  The