Annotation of src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real, Revision 1.2
1.1 cgd 1: PLAYGIRL, Inc.
2: Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
3: Dear Sir:
4: Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
5: inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
6: a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
7: ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
8: age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
9: long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
10: ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
11: in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
12: us.
13: Sympathetically,
14: Amanda L. Smith
15:
16: p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
17: wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
18: %
19: MOUNTIES:
20: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
21: I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
22: all day.
23:
24: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
25: I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
26: On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
27: And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
28:
29: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
30: I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
31: I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
32: And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
33:
34: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
35: Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
36: I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
37: Just like my dear Pappa.
38: %
39: FROM THE DESK OF
40: Snow White
41:
42: Dear Snow White:
43:
44: Thanks for last night.
45:
46: Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
47: %
48: LEPROSY
49: Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
50: I'm not half the man I used to be.
51: Oh, how did I get leprosy?
52:
53: Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
54: Now it even hurts to take a piss.
55: Oh why did I get syphillis?
56:
57: Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
58: I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
59: -- To the tune of "Yesterday"
60: %
61: THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
62:
63: An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
64: Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
65: who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
66: In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
67: beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
68:
69: --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
70: which UFOs come.
71: --That pi equals precisely 3.000.
72: --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
73: squared the circle.
74: --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
75:
76: Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
77: including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
78: special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
79: Bull.
80: %
81: The Snack
82: Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
83:
84: What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
85:
86: Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
87: recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
88: caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
89: I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
90:
91: But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
92: And am I not the master of my own?
93:
94: Nothing to eat?
95: What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
96: just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
97: Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
98:
99: Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
100: -- L.L. Zeiger
101: %
102: ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
103: worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
104: 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
105: considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
106: showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would
107: have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
108: was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
109: as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
110: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
111: %
112: A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
113: over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
114: "No."
115: So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
116: %
117: A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
118: of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
119: drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she
120: probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
121: When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He
122: says, "Hello. Is my wife there?"
123: "Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
124: "Is she with her lover?"
125: The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
126: that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
127: The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you
128: say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check
129: to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
130: two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
131: the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
132: The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
133: silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back
134: to the phone and says "It's done."
135: The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
136: "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
137: "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
138: %
139: A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
140: This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
141: them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
142: following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
143: he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
144: the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
145: see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
146: Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
147: At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
148: he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
149: Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
150: his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
151: brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
152: down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
153: right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
154: %
155: A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
156: buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
157: the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
158: boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
159: the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
160: the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
161: they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
162: Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
163: farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
164: frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
165: in the mud.
166: Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
167: don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
168: today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
169: "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
170: "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
171: the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
172: %
173: A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
174: for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
175: all day?"
176: Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
177: "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
178: Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
179: mailman."
180: "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
181: Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
182: whorehouse."
183: The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
184: Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
185: answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
186: an explanation.
187: Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do
188: you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
189: %
190: A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
191: from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
192: "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
193: you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
194: him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
195: The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
196: are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
197: gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
198: the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
199: Pretzel hold.
200: The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
201: on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
202: scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
203: pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
204: finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
205: of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
206: "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
207: this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
208: what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
209: you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
210: %
211: A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
212: island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
213: could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
214: were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
215: the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
216: the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
217: downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
218: charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
219: men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
220: Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
221: blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
222: only blurt out, "What happened?"
223: "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
224: ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
225: grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
226: hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
227: the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
228: to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
229: %
230: A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
231: in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
232: and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a
233: conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar
234: go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by
235: seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
236: 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
237: "Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?"
238: He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
239: "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and
240: hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
241: goodbye, and runs out the front door.
242: He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
243: doorway.
244: "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
245: "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went
246: to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We
247: had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
248: "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
249: You've been bowling again!"
250: %
251: A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
252: dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
253: brother and inquires after his pet.
254: "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
255: The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
256: he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
257: of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
258: outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
259: corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
260: "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
261: "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
262: How's Mom?"
263: His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
264: outside one day..."
265: %
266: A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
267: I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
268: A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
269: be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
270: "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
271: dog's stuck in its throat."
272: %
273: A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
274: "Hi, honey, I'm home."
275: There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
276: on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
277: 8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
278: I get home."
279: Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
280: stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
281: from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
282: doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
283: girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
284: He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
285: was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
286: the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
287: complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"
288: %
289: A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing
290: out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
291: "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!"
292: The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green
293: valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad,"
294: he says.
295: Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps,
296: "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
297: %
298: A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
299: terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
300: Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
301: homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
302: got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
303: who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
304: The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
305: something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
306: "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
307: %
308: A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
309: bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
310: "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
311: About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
312: 6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
313: To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
314: are lovers."
315: Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
316: NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
317: in your family like pussy?"
318: "Yeah. Me and my sister."
319: %
320: A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
321: Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
322: down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
323: and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
324: is eight-year-old Scotch."
325: The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
326: pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
327: most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
328: had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
329: is on the house."
330: A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
331: conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
332: The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which
333: the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
334: %
335: A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
336: up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
337: little Leprechaun.
338: After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
339: struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
340: worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
341: Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is
342: pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
343: After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
344: walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
345: Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
346: after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
347: in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
348: his little dick!"
349: Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
350: "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
351: "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
352: %
353: A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
354: flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
355: large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
356: "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
357: "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
358: After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
359: asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
360: men?"
361: "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
362: hung than *anybody*."
363: "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
364: "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
365: all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
366: "Running Bear Sheldon."
367: %
368: A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
369: He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
370: gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
371: were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
372: what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
373: "Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
374: a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
375: ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
376: "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
377: clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
378: "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
379: hasn't been your day, has it?"
380: %
381: A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
382: particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
383: man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
384: fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
385: felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
386: the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
387: Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
388: quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
389: "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
390: With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
391: like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
392: %
393: A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
394: while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
395: was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
396: Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
397: The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
398: that he had ever eaten.
399: "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
400: kind of meat is it?"
401: "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
402: "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
403: "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
404: "Rabbits don't make any noise..."
405: "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
406: %
407: A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
408: asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
409: symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
410: The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
411: "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
412: The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
413: girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
414: turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
415: "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
416: kissed a man!"
417: The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
418: silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
419: staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
420: wrong out there?"
421: "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
422: like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
423: another one was going to show up."
424: %
425: A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
426: two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
427: I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
428: As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
429: he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
430: %
431: A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
432: car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
433: and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
434: Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
435: Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
436: decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
437: driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
438: "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
439: aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
440: at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
441: "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
442: like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
443: %
444: A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
445: some good news and some bad news."
446: He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
447: She replied, "You're not sterile."
448: %
449: A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
450: consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
451: sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
452: for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
453: and lustful pursuits.
454: The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
455: if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
456: then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
457: is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
458: The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
459: a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
460: affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
461: is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
462: is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
463: his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
464: %
465: A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
466: for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
467: qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
468: white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
469: The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
470: that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
471: him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
472: "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
473: your dog, here, talk!"
474: "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
475: heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
476: good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
477: "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
478: "the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
479: "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
480: heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
481: the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
482: The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
483: final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
484: "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
485: %
486: A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
487: asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
488: She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
489: work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
490: should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
491: So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
492: "You get laid today, Billy?"
493: "Yeah, Dad."
494: "How was it?"
495: "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
496: "Good Boy!".
497: A month later: "You get laid today?"
498: "No, Dad."
499: "No? How come?"
500: "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
501: %
502: A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
503: Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
504: The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
505: miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
506: Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
507: -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
508: Life in the Universe"
509: %
510: A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
511: to die, would you remarry?"
512: After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
513: this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
514: The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
515: "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
516: "Well, would you live in this house?"
517: "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
518: I've always loved it here."
519: "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
520: "No."
521: "Why not?"
522: "She's left handed."
523: %
524: A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
525: They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
526: love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
527: to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
528: She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
529: my pantyhose."
530: %
531: A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
532: whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
533: settle for a kiss."
534: The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
535: %
536: After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
537: earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
538: minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
539: "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
540: name for my baby."
541: "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
542: of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
543: "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
544: name."
545: %
546: All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
547: number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
548: was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
549: vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really
550: expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
551: Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
552: NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
553: is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
554: TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
555: We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
556: Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
557: to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
558: their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
559: running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
560: But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National
561: Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
562: drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
563: always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip
564: if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
565: -- Hunter S. Thompson
566: %
567: An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
568: officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
569: house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
570: yaki-san."
571: Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
572: Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
573: When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
574: which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
575: After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
576: a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
577: Bonsai!"
578: Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
579: new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
580: yaki-san!"
581: The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
582: "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
583: %
584: An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
585: city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
586: arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
587: the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
588: testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
589: The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
590: Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
591: served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
592: much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
593: "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
594: %
595: An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
596: porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
597: picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
598: tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
599: After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
600: beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
601: voluptuous woman.
602: After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
603: for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
604: stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
605: The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
606: "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
607: faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
608: handsome prince!"
609: And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
610: handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
611: As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
612: the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
613: fixed?"
614: %
615: An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
616: man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
1.2 ! soren 617: said the soldier.
1.1 cgd 618: "My name is Mary," said the woman.
619: "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
620: "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
621: going?"
622: "To Bethlehem."
623: "Your reason for going there?"
624: "To pay our taxes to the government."
625: "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
626: "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
627: Ricans?"
628: %
629: An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
630: remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
631: "I have a dead pussy."
632: The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
633: "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
634: %
635: And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
636: They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
637: ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
638: very selfhood revealed."
639: And Jesus replied, "What?"
640: %
641: "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
642: to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
643: posh hotel.
644: "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
645: "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
646: "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
647: a postcard?"
648: %
649: Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
650: Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
651: an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
652: rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
653: a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
654: all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
655: 15 minutes a day!
656: SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
657: sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
658: the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
659: muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
660: "Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
661: of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
662: using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
663: SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
664: immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
665: textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
666: limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
667: %
668: Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
669: his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
670: executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
671: loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
672: pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
673: was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
674: "if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
675: finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
676: lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
677: was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
678: regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
679: he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
680: following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
681: to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
682: muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
683: a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
684: %
685: Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
686: Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
687: the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
688: one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
689: have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
690: was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
691: "Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
692: Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
693: squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
694: headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
695: Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
696: Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
697: me fuck-em all."
698: Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
699: Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
700: Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
701: Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
702: Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
703: Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
704: too fast."
705: %
706: Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
707: Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
708: subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
709: sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
710: treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
711: Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
712: blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
713: Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
714: see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
715: "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
716: "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
717: %
718: Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
719: friend asked him how it went.
720: "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
721: night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
722: times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
723: last night, nothing!"
724: "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
725: "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
726: %
727: But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
728: skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
729: calf they were sucking hind teat...
730: Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
731: called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
732: the front of the bus."
733: But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
734: deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
735: yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
736: unto a snowball in Hell."
737: -- "The Begatting of a President"
738: %
739: But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
740: cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
741: to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
742: latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
743: with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
744: bunch of knuckles.
745: -- Harlan Ellison
746: %
747: "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
748: your penis?"
749: "Uh, not right now."
750: "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards."
751: -- Real Genius
752: %
753: Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
754: particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
755: a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
756: said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
757: himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
758: your ass, you ugly cunt."
759: When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
760: the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
761: you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
762: your play can go fuck yourselves."
763: At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
764: to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
765: if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
766: unhesitating retort.
767: -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
768: %
769: "Daddy?"
770: "Yes son."
771: "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
772: "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
773: something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by
774: the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
775: `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
776: -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
777: %
778: Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
779:
780: Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
781: Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
782: Sept 28 Blind Academy
783: Sept 30 World War I Veterans
784: Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
785: Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
786: Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
787: Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
788: Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
789: Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
790: %
791: "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
792: be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
793: %
794: "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
795: We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
796: "But this is different," protested her husband.
797: "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
798: Now tell me what our problem is."
799: "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
800: bastard child."
801: %
802: "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
803: married?"
804: He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
805: I've always been especially fond of married women."
806: %
807: Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
808: to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
809: quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
810: had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
811: now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
812: in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
813: the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
814: she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
815: response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
816: ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
817: and you... uh... don't have all the..."
818: "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
819: %
820: "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
821: sincerely, extremely dangerously.
822: They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
823: They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
824: intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
825: They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
826: used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
827: bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
828: They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
829: They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
830: -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
831: %
832: During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
833: blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
834: country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
835: hit my wife."
836: "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
837: at mine, over there."
838: %
839: During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
840: husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
841: she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
842: %
843: Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
844: blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
845: while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
846: to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
847: pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
848: He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
849: stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
850: But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
851: protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
852: tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
853: Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
854: tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
855: And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
856: by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
857: and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
858: %
859: Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
860: and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
861: than fried chicken, is it?"
862: Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
863: "I got to be dead honest, Roy."
864: And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
865: Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
866: ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
867: can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
868: finest I've ever had."
869: -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
870: %
871: Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets,
872: those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
873: needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport.
874: Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
875: the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
876: No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The
877: ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the
878: contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers
879: should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
880: the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
881: Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
882: The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
883: of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
884: not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
885: and not care."
886: %
887: Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
888: a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
889: baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
890: ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
891: The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
892: which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
893: you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
894: %
895: Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
896: obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
897: floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
898: girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
899: of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
900: unimpaired?"
901: The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
902: all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
903: girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
904: about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
905: as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
906: "Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
907: "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
908: fail me."
909: %
910: Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
911: "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
912: only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
913: Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if
914: only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
915: Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
916: could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
917: %
918: "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
919: said the guy aggressively.
920: "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
921: "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
922: town."
923: "Oh, no, you won't."
924: "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
925: "Oh, no, you won't."
926: "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
927: "Oh, no, you're not."
928: "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
929: "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
930: %
931: For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
932: vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
933: affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
934: few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
935: short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
936: "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
937: he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
938: and the baby would have my name!"
939: "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
940: we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
941: better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
942: %
943: Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
944: usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
945: evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
946: such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
947: One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
948: and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
949: fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
950: At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
951: in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
952: professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
953: nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
954: They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
955: remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
956: the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
957: thoughts?"
958: Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
959: %
960: Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
961: engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
962: was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
963: and sarcastic?"
964: "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
965: "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
966: %
967: "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
968: to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
969: beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
970: dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
971: apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
972: in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
973: %
974: God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
975: what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
976: wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
977: Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
978: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
979: lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
980: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
981: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
982: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
983: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
984: %
985: God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
986: differences once and for all.
987: When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
988: where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
989: %
990: Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
991: from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
992: "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
993: promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
994: nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
995: "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
996: you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
997: right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
998: the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
999: find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
1000: the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
1001: %
1002: Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
1003: No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
1004: been worse."
1005: To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
1006: situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
1007: hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
1008: "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
1009: found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
1010: the gun on himself!"
1011: "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
1012: "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
1013: have been worse?"
1014: "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
1015: dead right now."
1016: %
1017: Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
1018: proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
1019: and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself
1020: to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
1021: nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
1022: All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
1023: she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
1024: The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
1025: in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
1026: surprise," smiled the bride.
1027: Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
1028: leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
1029: "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
1030: Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
1031: %
1032: "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
1033: "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
1034: "Do it alone?"
1035: "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
1036: "How would that help?"
1037: "Used a whip."
1038: %
1039: "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
1040: "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
1041: "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
1042: "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
1043: "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
1044: "Oh, it's not dead then."
1045: "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
1046: goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
1047: on the safe side."
1048: "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
1049: to a dead cat, do you?"
1050: -- Monty Python
1051: %
1052: "Hello, Police Department."
1053: "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
1054: molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
1055: "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
1056: "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
1057: on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
1058: Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
1059: I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
1060: held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
1061: couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
1062: pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
1063: erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
1064: throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
1065: Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
1066: my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
1067: say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
1068: know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
1069: "What's the matter, mister?"
1070: "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
1071: %
1072: Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
1073: with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
1074: Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
1075: define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
1076: court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
1077: Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
1078: it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
1079: his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
1080: enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
1081: ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
1082: that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
1083: it because the court was going to take a nap.
1084: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1085: %
1086: "How'd you get that flat?"
1087: "Ran over a bottle."
1088: "Didn't you see it?"
1089: "Damn kid had it under his coat."
1090: %
1091: "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
1092: the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
1093: "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
1094: "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
1095: %
1096: "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame
1097: society. Society made me what I am today!"
1098: "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk
1099: like me."
1100: "It still... hurts... auugghh!"
1101: "You're going to be okay..."
1102: "...gurgle..."
1103: "... maybe not."
1104: -- Repo Man
1105: %
1106: "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
1107: the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
1108: "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
1109: take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
1110: camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
1111: the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
1112: the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
1113: The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
1114: like twenty more gallons of water.
1115: The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
1116: man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
1117: The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
1118: bricks."
1119: %
1120: "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
1121: "Oh, how can you tell?"
1122: "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
1123: hear the stereo."
1124: %
1125: I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
1126: "What'll you have, Bud"?
1127: I said," I don't know, surprise me".
1128: So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
1129: -- Rodney Dangerfield
1130: %
1131: "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
1132: young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
1133: I'm on my way."
1134: "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
1135: %
1136: In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
1137: mud."
1138: And there was mud.
1139: And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
1140: can see what we have done."
1141: And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
1142: man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
1143: "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
1144: "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
1145: "Certainly," said man.
1146: "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
1147: And He went away.
1148: -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
1149: %
1150: In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
1151: In the evening, floating in the soup.
1152: (chorus):
1153: Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
1154: Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
1155: You can ask them anything you want to.
1156: They won't answer; they can't talk.
1157: (chorus):
1158: I took a fish head out to see a movie,
1159: Didn't have to pay to get it in.
1160: (chorus):
1161: They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
1162: They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
1163: (chorus):
1164: Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
1165: Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
1166: (chorus):
1167: Fishy!
1168: (chorus):
1169: -- Fish Heads
1170: %
1171: In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
1172: announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
1173: today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
1174: a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
1175: in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
1176: around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
1177: those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
1178: There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
1179: citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
1180: these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
1181: than a citizen bless their country?"
1182: %
1183: It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
1184: they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
1185: One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
1186: them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
1187: Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
1188: thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
1189: Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
1190: brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
1191: %
1192: It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving
1193: in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
1194: Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They
1195: said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
1196: life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the
1197: Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the
1198: Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
1199: -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
1200: %
1201: It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
1202: American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
1203: sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
1204: ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
1205: "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
1206: country there's only one."
1207: "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
1208: that?"
1209: "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
1210: "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
1211: %
1212: "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
1213: Jewish men?"
1214: "You really want to know?"
1215: "Yeah."
1216: "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
1217: Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
1218: %
1219: Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
1220: her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
1221: the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
1222: way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
1223: begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
1224: stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
1225: "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
1226: the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
1227: mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
1228: wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
1229: "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
1230: can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
1231: "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
1232: the dining room skylight."
1233: %
1234: Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
1235: seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
1236: with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
1237: it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
1238: again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
1239: suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
1240: life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
1241: become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
1242: The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
1243: some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate.
1244: The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
1245: male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
1246: the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
1247: male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
1248: Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
1249: on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
1250: a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
1251: matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
1252: Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
1253: has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
1254: why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
1255: to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
1256: occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
1257: %
1258: Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
1259: mirror, admiring her breasts.
1260: "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
1261: "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
1262: twenty-five-year-old."
1263: "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
1264: ass?"
1265: "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
1266: %
1267: Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
1268: Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
1269: without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
1270: an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
1271: prison.
1272: They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
1273: in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
1274: them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
1275: hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
1276: to death.
1277: The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
1278: be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
1279: any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
1280: Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
1281: Murray.
1282: "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
1283: spits in the sergeants face.
1284: "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
1285: -- Arthur Naiman
1286: %
1287: "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
1288: barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
1289: "Not in California."
1290: %
1291: "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
1292: a girl should not do before twenty."
1293: "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
1294: audience, either."
1295: %
1296: Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
1297: you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
1298: oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
1299: cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment.
1300: Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
1301: the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
1302: repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
1303: in the others.
1304: While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
1305: of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
1306: it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
1307: Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
1308: therapy ask if people have had therapy.
1309: Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
1310: Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
1311: -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
1312: %
1313: Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
1314: people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
1315: times a job applicant has had the clap.
1316: Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
1317: by a professional liar?
1318: If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
1319: did the applicant go to TCU?
1320: If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
1321: have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
1322: -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
1323: %
1324: On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
1325: to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
1326: There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
1327: alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
1328: dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
1329: saying."
1330: The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
1331: the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
1332: to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
1333: singing."
1334: "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
1335: "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
1336: %
1337: Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
1338: bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
1339: court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
1340: that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
1341: pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
1342: women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
1343: played appropriate music.
1344: Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
1345: He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
1346: rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
1347: multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
1348: After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
1349: King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
1350: his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
1351: but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
1352: The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
1353: banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
1354: %
1355: One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
1356: and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
1357: turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
1358: Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
1359: one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
1360: The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
1361: way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
1362: %
1363: One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
1364: seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
1365: and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
1366: bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
1367: flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
1368: soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
1369: her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
1370: He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
1371: connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
1372: Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
1373: With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
1374: his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
1375: discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
1376: various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
1377: all of its field strength.
1378: Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her
1379: solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
1380: excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
1381: each others fuses.
1382: -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
1383: %
1384: One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
1385: visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
1386: up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
1387: say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
1388: kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
1389: The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
1390: the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
1391: he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
1392: Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
1393: "Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
1394: "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
1395: never writes..."
1396: %
1397: One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
1398: HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
1399: there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
1400: made his TOOSIE ROLL.
1401: He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
1402: which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
1403: squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
1404: MUSKETEERS."
1405: -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
1406: %
1407: One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
1408: sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
1409: of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
1410: worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
1411: "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
1412: instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
1413: the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
1414: into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
1415: "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
1416: "Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
1417: dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
1418: The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
1419: out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
1420: grandpa.", he remarks.
1421: "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma."
1422: %
1423: "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
1424: science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
1425: some concrete example."
1426: Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
1427: "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
1428: a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true."
1429: "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
1430: the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
1431: "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
1432: to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
1433: "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
1434: example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
1435: course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
1436: -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
1437: %
1438: Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
1439: state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
1440: dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
1441: and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
1442: eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
1443: shout, too):
1444: "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
1445: Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
1446: was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
1447: flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
1448: "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
1449: As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
1450: amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
1451: So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
1452: tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
1453: "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
1454: %
1455: People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
1456: motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
1457: jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
1458: bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
1459: then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
1460: a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of
1461: a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
1462: out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
1463: side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
1464: Why not? Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt
1465: blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
1466: of cholesterol ... but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has
1467: the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
1468: are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
1469: circuits.
1470: When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
1471: of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
1472: junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
1473: that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
1474: -- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
1475: %
1476: People who write position papers often find themselves in an
1477: enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
1478: position.
1479: A good position paper will have many words in it like
1480: "superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
1481: You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
1482: limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
1483: Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
1484: position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
1485: Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
1486: A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
1487: semicolon.
1488: -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
1489: %
1490: Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
1491: has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
1492: Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
1493: The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
1494: definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
1495: gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
1496: The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
1497: Santa," she begs.
1498: He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
1499: you know."
1500: She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
1501: at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
1502: "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
1503: Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
1504: warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
1505: Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
1506: gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
1507: %
1508: Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
1509: stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
1510: this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
1511: doesn't deserve to have any."
1512:
1513: James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
1514: failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
1515: remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
1516: major general."
1517:
1518: (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
1519: complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a
1520: while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
1521:
1522: Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
1523: pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
1524: sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
1525: more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
1526: on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
1527: out of the car. "Run for your life!"
1528:
1529: Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
1530: Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
1531: story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
1532: roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
1533: house."
1534: "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
1535: maybe, but not in the House."
1536:
1537: %
1538: Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
1539: still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
1540: Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
1541: exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
1542: Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
1543: Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
1544: love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
1545: prick."
1546: "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
1547: assure you, that's a wee-wee."
1548: %
1549: Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
1550: certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
1551: own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
1552: care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
1553: statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
1554: dick."
1555: While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
1556: asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
1557: "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
1558: whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
1559: Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
1560: the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
1561: Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
1562: upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
1563: wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
1564: had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
1565: and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
1566: stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
1567: you staring at, homo?"
1568: -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
1569: %
1570: "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
1571: coffee?"
1572: "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
1573: answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
1574: "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
1575: %
1576: "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
1577: sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
1578: "How do you know?" the friend asked.
1579: "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
1580: she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
1581: "So?"
1582: "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
1583: %
1584: The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
1585: say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
1586: primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
1587: and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
1588: saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
1589: you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
1590: time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
1591: Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
1592: So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
1593: publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
1594: naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
1595: naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
1596: article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
1597: Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
1598: others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
1599: Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
1600: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1601: %
1602: The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
1603: "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
1604: in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
1605: "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
1606: but not much good in a fight."
1607: %
1608: The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
1609: a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
1610: his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
1611: So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
1612: please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
1613: sees nothing but goyim..."
1614: "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
1615: you got problems. What about my son?"
1616: %
1617: The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
1618: physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
1619: "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
1620: from women."
1621: "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
1622: second best?"
1623: %
1624: The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
1625: made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
1626: footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
1627: reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
1628: madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
1629: "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
1630: every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
1631: "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
1632: the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
1633: -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
1634: %
1635: The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
1636: As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
1637: "What happened?"
1638: "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
1639: -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
1640: %
1641: The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
1642: After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
1643: branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
1644: wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
1645: The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
1646: horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
1647: Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
1648: "That's two," he said.
1649: Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
1650: crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
1651: off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
1652: shot the horse between the eyes.
1653: "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
1654: married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
1655: The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
1656: %
1657: The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
1658: dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
1659: pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
1660: replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
1661: "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
1662: "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
1663: %
1664: The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
1665: waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
1666: "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
1667: As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
1668: wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
1669: returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
1670: two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
1671: a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
1672: from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
1673: with our hands," he explained.
1674: The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
1675: have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
1676: little piece of string attached to my apron?"
1677: "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
1678: The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
1679: "Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
1680: comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
1681: piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
1682: "But how do you put it back?"
1683: "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
1684: I use the tongs."
1685: %
1686: The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
1687: the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
1688: the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to
1689: us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you."
1690: In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
1691: Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel
1692: on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished
1693: his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
1694: leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring
1695: negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
1696: farewell is consummated between the sheets.
1697: As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
1698: pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished
1699: look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
1700: we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'"
1701: She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
1702: %
1703: The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
1704: way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she
1705: jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
1706: tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
1707: jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
1708: Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
1709: candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three
1710: wildest girls I know.
1711: %
1712: The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian
1713: period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
1714: frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline,
1715: as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
1716: sport.
1717: The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
1718: castrating pigs during Sunday service.
1719: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1720: %
1721: The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
1722: Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have
1723: stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the
1724: way when they try to be serious."
1725: "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
1726: into the ether and the cocaine."
1727: "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
1728: in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just
1729: chew it up like baseball gum."
1730: I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with
1731: the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then
1732: screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
1733: across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from
1734: the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just
1735: did to us?"
1736: -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
1737: %
1738: THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
1739:
1740: 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is
1741: loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty
1742: and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and
1743: phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
1744: "Bullsheyet".
1745: 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
1746: 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
1747: 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
1748: 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
1749: 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
1750: 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
1751: 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
1752: 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
1753: 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
1754: 10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
1755: -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
1756: of a Gun".
1757: %
1758: The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
1759: wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
1760: romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
1761: So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
1762: castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
1763: factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
1764: almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
1765: After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
1766: trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
1767: ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
1768: on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
1769: "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
1770: "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
1771: people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
1772: %
1773: The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
1774: for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
1775: "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
1776: "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
1777: guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
1778: popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
1779: "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
1780: I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
1781: using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
1782: The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
1783: wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
1784: "Wousy," said the girl.
1785: %
1786: There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
1787: and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
1788: from sex for thirty days.
1789: Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
1790: the first couple if they passed the test.
1791: "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
1792: "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
1793: the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
1794: "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
1795: until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
1796: I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
1797: stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
1798: to her right there."
1799: "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
1800: the Church after something like that."
1801: "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
1802: into Safeway anymore either."
1803: %
1804: There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
1805: a bar having a few drinks together.
1806: The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
1807: drive your wife wild in bed?"
1808: "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
1809: garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over
1810: her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
1811: her wild with desire."
1812: "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love
1813: I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
1814: Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
1815: "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
1816: out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives
1817: her wild."
1818: %
1819: These two project managers were walking through a residential area
1820: one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
1821: cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
1822: nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
1823: -- I wish I could do that!"
1824: Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
1825: it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
1826: %
1827: "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
1828: parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
1829: being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
1830: The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
1831: Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
1832: whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
1833: "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
1834: about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
1835: country. We're completely computerized.
1836: "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
1837: leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
1838: real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
1839: country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
1840: look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
1841: yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
1842: I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
1843: "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
1844: He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
1845: "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
1846: we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
1847: your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
1848: -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
1849: %
1850: This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
1851: the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
1852: months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
1853: He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
1854: up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
1855: surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
1856: come on over to the clinic."
1857: "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
1858: embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
1859: "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
1860: all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
1861: on a top hat, and come on over."
1862: The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
1863: reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
1864: dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
1865: nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
1866: "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
1867: %
1868: This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
1869: with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
1870: dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
1871: "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
1872: Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
1873: the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
1874: requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
1875: "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
1876: guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
1877: being so helpless.
1878: "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
1879: *thing* 'til my nails dry!"
1880: %
1881: This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
1882: good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
1883: sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
1884: "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
1885: <sniffle>"
1886: So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
1887: He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
1888: the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
1889: away feeling wonderful.
1890: Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
1891: sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
1892: end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
1893: "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
1894: The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
1895: her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
1896: %
1897: Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
1898: The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
1899: selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
1900: asked, pointing at the first girl.
1901: "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
1902: "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
1903: girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
1904: "Your honor, I'm an actress."
1905: "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
1906: you?" he demanded.
1907: "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
1908: the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
1909: laid off."
1910: "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
1911: Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
1912: arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
1913: for a living?"
1914: "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
1915: %
1916: Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
1917: ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
1918: shum money from my wife."
1919: The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
1920: and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
1921: This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
1922: affect the husband.
1923: "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
1924: asked.
1925: "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
1926: Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
1927: Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
1928: enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
1929: "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
1930: he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
1931: "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
1932: %
1933: Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
1934: car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
1935: "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
1936: London?"
1937: The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
1938: he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
1939: The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
1940: he say, Reggie?"
1941: "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
1942: replied.
1943: After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
1944: didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
1945: The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
1946: exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
1947: just before I came back to the States!"
1948: "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
1949: "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
1950: %
1951: Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
1952: were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
1953: side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
1954: driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
1955: Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
1956: deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
1957: "Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
1958: "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
1959: to be able to settle out of court."
1960: %
1961: Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
1962: to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
1963: `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
1964: All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
1965: mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
1966: "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
1967: His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
1968: and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
1969: "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
1970: it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
1971: %
1972: Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
1973: their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
1974: has cut me down to just once a week."
1975: "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
1976: two guys she's cut off altogether.
1977: %
1978: Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
1979: the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
1980: mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
1981: noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
1982: hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
1983: the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
1984: lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
1985: come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
1986: asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
1987: the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
1988: said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
1989: this ungodly hour?"
1990: The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
1991: They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
1992: watch."
1993: He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
1994: partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
1995: three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
1996: %
1997: Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
1998: and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
1999: roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
2000: three days."
2001: Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
2002:
2003: %
2004: We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
2005: drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
2006: lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible
2007: roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
2008: swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
2009: hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was
2010: screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
2011: Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
2012: was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
2013: hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
2014: eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses. "Never mind,"
2015: I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
2016: Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
2017: bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
2018: -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
2019: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
2020: %
2021: Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
2022: great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt
2023: so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
2024: THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
2025: And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
2026: one is mightier than you."
2027: A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
2028: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
2029: The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
2030: stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
2031: The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
2032: quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
2033: THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
2034: Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
2035: him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
2036: orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
2037: The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
2038: you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
2039: %
2040: Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
2041: She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
2042: "Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
2043: say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
2044: reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
2045: justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
2046: ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
2047: That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
2048: explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
2049: suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
2050: the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
2051: Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
2052: How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
2053: %
2054: When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
2055: operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
2056: it would be before she could resume her sex life.
2057: "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
2058: "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
2059: %
2060: When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
2061: that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
2062: hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
2063: to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
2064: but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
2065: seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
2066: invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
2067: sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
2068: Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
2069: It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
2070: Rumania.
2071: -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
2072: %
2073: While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
2074: the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
2075: three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
2076: "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
2077: "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
2078: "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
2079: then. We're trying to catch her."
2080: "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
2081: carrying a bucket of sand?"
2082: "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
2083: %
2084: While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
2085: out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
2086: France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
2087: proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
2088: aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
2089: and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
2090: The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
2091: board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
2092: tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
2093: and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
2094: into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
2095: evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
2096: waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
2097: an explanation. She told him the whole story.
2098: "Hmmm," mused the captian. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
2099: admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
2100: to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
2101: %
2102: "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
2103: night?" demanded the irate mother.
2104: "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
2105: "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
2106: movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
2107: "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
2108: "We did."
2109: %
2110: With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
2111: Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
2112: buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
2113: "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
2114: "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
2115: "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
2116: and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
2117: "Okay. It's your wife."
2118: "My wife!!"
2119: "Yeah."
2120: "What about her?"
2121: Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
2122: his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
2123: %
2124: "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there
2125: be anything else?"
2126: %
2127: You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
2128: elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
2129: up in the bar last night?"
2130: "Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
2131: "Did I bring you home?"
2132: "Uh-huh."
2133: "Did we, uh, fool around?"
2134: "Uh-huh."
2135: "Lord, I must have been tight!"
2136: "Not any more."
2137: %
2138: ... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured
2139: we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
2140: inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion
2141: as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
2142: naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
2143: might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do
2144: us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their
2145: protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
2146: that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
2147: God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
2148: for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
2149: virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
2150: frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
2151: because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
2152: is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
2153: is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
2154: obscure such reality.
2155: -- Steve Allen
2156: %
2157: ... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
2158: beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
2159: quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
2160: wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
2161: the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
2162: had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
2163: concerned...
2164: I gan noo wha ma organs gan
2165: When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
2166: So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
2167: Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
2168: And iver her purse was wet.
2169: But old Sir Oswald allus stank
2170: Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
2171: And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
2172: Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
2173: What I have done without.
2174: But ere ye come to draw ma heart
2175: Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
2176: But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
2177: And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
2178: Afore I have a pee.
2179: -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
2180: %
2181: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2182:
2183: 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
2184: 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
2185: 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
2186: 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
2187: 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
2188: 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
2189: 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
2190: 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
2191: 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
2192: 10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
2193: %
2194: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2195:
2196: 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
2197: 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
2198: quarterback.
2199: 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
2200: 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
2201: 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
2202: sleep with it beer, too.
2203: 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
2204: 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
2205: 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
2206: 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
2207: 10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
2208: %
2209: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2210:
2211: 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
2212: 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
2213: quarterback.
2214: 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
2215: 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
2216: 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
2217: sleep with it, too.
2218: 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
2219: 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
2220: 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
2221: 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
2222: 10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
2223: %
2224: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2225:
2226: 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
2227: 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
2228: 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
2229: 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
2230: 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
2231: 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
2232: 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
2233: 8. A beer doesn't snore.
2234: 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
2235: 10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
2236: %
2237: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
2238:
2239: 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
2240: aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
2241: 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
2242: 3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
2243: 4. Beer tastes good.
2244: 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
2245: Hits" as much as you do.
2246: 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
2247: 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
2248: 8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
2249: 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
2250: cents less expensive.
2251: 10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
2252: like grass.
2253: %
2254: 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
2255:
2256: 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2257: 2. Beer stains wash out.
2258: 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
2259: 4. Beer never makes you wait.
2260: 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
2261: 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
2262: 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
2263: 8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
2264: 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
2265: 10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
2266: %
2267: 15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
2268:
2269: 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
2270: 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
2271: 3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
2272: 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
2273: 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
2274: 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
2275: 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
2276: 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
2277: 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
2278: 10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
2279: 11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
2280: 12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
2281: 13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
2282: 14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
2283: 15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
2284: %
2285: 18th Rule of Friendship:
2286: A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
2287: to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
2288: ever saw.
2289: -- Esquire, May 1977
2290: %
2291: 20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
2292: 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
2293: 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
2294: 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
2295: 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
2296: 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
2297: 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
2298: 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
2299: 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
2300: 9. A beer won't steal the covers.
2301: 10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
2302: 11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
2303: 12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
2304: 13. A beer tastes good.
2305: 14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
2306: 15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
2307: 16. You don't have to let a beer win.
2308: 17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
2309: 18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips".
2310: 19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
2311: 20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
2312: %
2313: 667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
2314: %
2315: 68:
2316: Do me now and I'll owe you one.
2317: %
2318: 6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
2319: %
2320: 69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
2321: %
2322: 71:
2323: 69 with two fingers up your ass.
2324: -- George Carlin
2325: %
2326: 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
2327: The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
2328: Redwood Forest.
2329:
2330: 7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
2331: The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
2332: Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
2333: %
2334: 8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
2335:
2336: 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
2337: 2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
2338: 3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
2339: 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
2340: 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
2341: "just for the articles".
2342: 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
2343: 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
2344: else's beer.
2345: 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
2346: make you ill.
2347: %
2348: A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
2349: more than a year.
2350: "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
2351: "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
2352: "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
2353: downed his drink and left disgustedly.
2354: A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
2355: He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
2356: this part of town?"
2357: "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
2358: Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
2359: thing," and turned on his heel and left.
2360: Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
2361: his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
2362: bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
2363: 'round here would know?"
2364: "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
2365: "Seven!?"
2366: "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
2367: George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
2368: %
2369: A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
2370: patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
2371: women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
2372: of the bar.
2373: The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
2374: bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him,
2375: blanched and ran out of the bar.
2376: The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
2377: all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
2378: The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
2379: you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
2380: %
2381: A bad little girl in Madrid,
2382: A most reprehensible kid,
2383: Told her Tante Louise
2384: That her cunt smelled like cheese,
2385: And the worst of it was that it did!
2386: %
2387: A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
2388: "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
2389: "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
2390: "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
2391: "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
2392: %
2393: A bather whose clothing was strewed
2394: By breezes that left her quite nude,
2395: Saw a man come along
2396: And, unless I am wrong,
2397: You expected this line to be lewd.
2398: %
2399: A bather whose clothing was strewed
2400: By breezes that left her quite nude,
2401: Saw a man come along
2402: And, unless I'm quite wrong,
2403: You expected this line to be lewd.
2404: %
2405: A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
2406: six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
2407: sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
2408: another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
2409: at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
2410: this barren bit of land.
2411: "Almost twenty years," he answered.
2412: "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
2413: "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
2414: replied.
2415: "And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
2416: "What's that?" He looked puzzled.
2417: Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
2418: beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
2419: how he had enjoyed it.
2420: "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
2421: %
2422: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
2423: I am not I, I'm a tree."
2424: But another, more sane,
2425: Shouted, "I'm a great dane "
2426: And covered his pants leg with pee.
2427: %
2428: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
2429: I am not I, I'm a tree."
2430: But another, more sane,
2431: Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
2432: And covered his pants leg with pee.
2433: %
2434: A beautiful belle of Del Norte
2435: Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
2436: Because during the day
2437: She says: "Boys, keep away!"
2438: But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
2439: %
2440: A beautiful lady named Psyche
2441: Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
2442: One thing about Ike
2443: The lady can't like
2444: Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
2445: %
2446: A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
2447: purgatory for the purse.
2448: %
2449: A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
2450: one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
2451: away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
2452: thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
2453: "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
2454: abnormalities."
2455: "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
2456: "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
2457: "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
2458: cancer."
2459: "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
2460: having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
2461: now?"
2462: "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
2463: %
2464: A beetling young woman named Pridgets
2465: Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
2466: Off the end of a wharf
2467: She once pushed a dwarf
2468: Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
2469: -- Edward Gorey
2470: %
2471: A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
2472: would send his wife a telegram saying,
2473: "Can't come home yet. Still buying."
2474: His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
2475: She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
2476: rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
2477: she wired him,
2478: "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
2479: %
2480: A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
2481: Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
2482: When she swiveled about
2483: Even strong men cried out,
2484: For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
2485: %
2486: A bisexual chap name of Lunt
2487: Taught himself an unusual stunt.
2488: He could peel back his spout
2489: Turn the skin inside out
2490: Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
2491: %
2492: A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
2493: %
2494: A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
2495: into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
2496: forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
2497: "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
2498: apologized the rabbit.
2499: "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
2500: problem!"
2501: "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
2502: you think you could help me find out?"
2503: "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the
2504: rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
2505: and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
2506: "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
2507: "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you
2508: suppose you could try and tell me?"
2509: The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold
2510: and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
2511: no balls. You must be an attorney!"
2512: %
2513: A bobby of Nottingham Junction
2514: Whose organ had long ceased to function
2515: Deceived his good wife
2516: For the rest of her life
2517: With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
2518: %
2519: A broken-down harlot named Tupps
2520: Was heard to confess in her cups:
2521: "The height of my folly
2522: Was diddling a collie-
2523: But I got a nice price for the pups."
2524: %
2525: A broken-down harlot named Tupps
2526: Was heard to confess in her cups:
2527: "The height of my folly
2528: Was fucking a collie --
2529: But I got a nice price for the pups."
2530: %
2531: A burleyque dancer, a pip
2532: Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
2533: But she read science fiction
2534: And died of constriction
2535: Attempting a Moebius strip.
2536: -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
2537: %
2538: A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
2539: Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
2540: and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
2541: a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
2542: minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
2543: masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
2544: "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
2545: %
2546: A busy young lady named Gloria
2547: Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
2548: And then by six men,
2549: Sir Gerald again,
2550: And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
2551: %
2552: A cabin boy on an old clipper
2553: Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
2554: He plugged up his ass
2555: With fragments of glass
2556: And thus circumcised his old skipper.
2557: %
2558: A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
2559: fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
2560: the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
2561: The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
2562: to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed
2563: himself in an accentuated manner.
2564: "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
2565: Catholic!"
2566: "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
2567: "spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen."
2568: %
2569: A cautious young fellow named Lodge
2570: Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
2571: When his date was strapped in,
2572: He committed a sin,
2573: Without even leaving his grodge.
2574: %
2575: A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
2576: Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
2577: With his date all strapped in
2578: He committed a sin
2579: Without even leaving the garage.
2580: -- "A Boy and His Dog"
2581: %
2582: A cautious young fellow named Tunney
2583: Had a whang that was worth any money.
2584: When eased in half-way,
2585: The girl's sigh made him say,
2586: "Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
2587: %
2588: A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
2589: by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
2590: get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
2591: worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
2592: whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
2593: laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
2594: happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
2595: laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
2596: a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
2597: house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
2598: horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
2599: bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
2600: the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
2601: said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
2602: "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
2603: "How did you make him cry tonight?"
2604: "I proved it."
2605: %
2606: A certain young man, it was noted,
2607: Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
2608: He said, "You may scoff,
2609: But I shan't take it off;
2610: Underneath I am horribly bloated."
2611: -- Edward Gorey
2612: %
2613: A certain young person of Ghent,
2614: Uncertain if lady or gent,
2615: Shows his organs at large
2616: For a small handling charge
2617: To assist him in paying the rent.
2618: %
2619: A certain young sheik of Algiers
2620: Said to his harem, "My dears,
2621: Though you may think it odd of me,
2622: I'm tired of just sodomy
2623: Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
2624: %
2625: A chap down in Oklahoma
2626: Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
2627: But the sweetness of pitch
2628: Couldn't put off the hitch
2629: Of impotence, size and aroma.
2630: %
2631: A charmer from old Amarillo,
2632: Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
2633: Decided one day
2634: That to keep men away
2635: She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
2636: %
2637: A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
2638: Had a pussy as large as a muff.
2639: It had room for both hands
2640: And some intimate glands,
2641: And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
2642: %
2643: A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
2644: %
2645: A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
2646: Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
2647: -- Thomas Ybarra
2648: %
2649: A clergical student named Simms
2650: Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
2651: A nice piece of ass
2652: Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
2653: All the others get Anglican hymns.
2654: %
2655: A clerical student named Pryne
2656: Through pain sought to reach the divine:
2657: He wore a hair shirt,
2658: Quite often ate dirt,
2659: And bathed every Friday in brine.
2660: -- Edward Gorey
2661: %
2662: A clever young man named Eugene
2663: Invented a jack-off machine.
2664: On the twenty-third stroke
2665: The fuckin' thing broke
2666: And beat both his balls to a creame.
2667: %
2668: A clever young man named Eugene
2669: Invented a jack-off machine.
2670: On the twenty-third stroke
2671: The goddam thing broke
2672: And beat both his balls to a creame.
2673: %
2674: A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
2675: most men know it's there, but few really care.
2676: %
2677: A cocksucking steno named Beeman
2678: Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
2679: "On my minuscule salary
2680: I must watch every calorie,
2681: So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
2682: %
2683: A computer called Illiac4
2684: Had a rather tough bug in its core.
2685: It chewed up its cards
2686: And spewed yards and yards
2687: Of illegible tape on the floor.
2688: %
2689: A computer, to print out a fact,
2690: Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
2691: But this output can be
2692: No more than debris,
2693: If the input was short of exact.
2694: -- Gigo
2695: %
2696: A contortionist hailing from Lynch
2697: Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
2698: A foot cost a quid --
2699: He could and he did
2700: Stretch it to three in a pinch.
2701: %
2702: A corpulent maiden named Kroll
2703: Had a notion exceedingly droll:
2704: At a masquerade ball,
2705: Dressed in nothing at all,
2706: She backed in as a Parker House roll.
2707: %
2708: A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
2709:
2710: [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
2711: %
2712: A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
2713: chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
2714: to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
2715: "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
2716: "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
2717: "No, not that."
2718: "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
2719: "No, Mom. Down underneath."
2720: His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
2721: Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
2722: a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
2723: "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
2724: "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
2725: other end."
2726: "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
2727: "No. Down there."
2728: The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
2729: penis."
2730: "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
2731: The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
2732: that woman."
2733: %
2734: A couple was fishing near Clombe
2735: When the maid began looking quite glum,
2736: And said, "Bother the fish!
2737: I'd rather coish!"
2738: Which they did -- which was why they had come.
2739: %
2740: A cowhand way out in Seattle
2741: Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
2742: He said, "No, I can't fuck
2743: A lamb or a duck,
2744: But golly! it just fits the cattle."
2745: %
2746: A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
2747: And had an affair with a Saracen.
2748: She was not oversexed,
2749: Or jealous or vexed,
2750: She just wanted to make a comparison.
2751: %
2752: A CS student named Lin
2753: Had a prick the size of a pin
2754: It was no good for girls
2755: But just great for squirrels
2756: Who squealed with delight with it in.
2757: %
2758: A cute little twerp from Samoa
2759: Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
2760: It was good for keyholes
2761: And debutantes' peeholes
2762: But not worth a damn on a whoa.
2763: %
2764: A daredevil skater named Lowe,
2765: Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
2766: But is proudest of doing,
2767: Some incredible screwing,
2768: Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
2769: %
2770: A deep-throated virgin named Netty
2771: Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
2772: She said, "It tastes nice,
2773: Much better than rice,
2774: Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
2775: %
2776: A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
2777: -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
2778: %
2779: A delighted, incredulous bride
2780: Remarked to her groom at her side :
2781: "I never could quite
2782: Believe till tonight
2783: Our anatomies would coincide."
2784: %
2785: A dentist, young doctor Malone,
2786: Got a charming girl patient alone,
2787: And, in his depravity,
2788: Filled the wrong cavity.
2789: God, how his practice has grown.
2790: %
2791: A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
2792: With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
2793: Let his third-story front,
2794: To a willing young cunt,
2795: Who supplied him a new lease on life!
2796: %
2797: A desperate spinster from Clare
2798: Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
2799: And prayed to her God
2800: For a romp on the sod--
2801: 'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
2802: %
2803: A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
2804: Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
2805: As quick as a glance
2806: He stripped off his pants,
2807: But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
2808: %
2809: A doctoral student from Buckingham
2810: Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
2811: But a dropout from paree
2812: Taught him Gamahuchee
2813: - so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
2814: %
2815: A doctoral student from Buckingham
2816: Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
2817: But a dropout from paree
2818: Taught him Gamahuchee
2819: So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
2820: %
2821: A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
2822: Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
2823: She blew her vagina
2824: To South Carolina,
2825: And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
2826:
2827: A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
2828: Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
2829: They found her vagina,
2830: In South Carolina,
2831: And part of her ass in Brazil.
2832: %
2833: A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
2834: Whose overworked sex is all callous,
2835: Wore the foreskin away
2836: On uncircumcised Ray,
2837: Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
2838: %
2839: A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
2840: Wished to foster an aura of menace;
2841: To make people afraid
2842: He wore gloves of grey suede
2843: And white footgear intended for tennis.
2844: -- Edward Gorey
2845: %
2846: A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
2847: Wished to foster an aura of menace.
2848: To make people afraid
2849: He wore gloves of grey suede
2850: And white footgear intended for tennis.
2851: -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
2852: %
2853: A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
2854: watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The
2855: guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
2856: moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
2857: hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
2858: shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
2859: they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
2860: the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they
2861: passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
2862: "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass
2863: with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she
2864: sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
2865: The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
2866: at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention,
2867: he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
2868: "What?!?!?" she screams.
2869: "Raining like hell, isn't it?"
2870: %
2871: A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
2872: %
2873: A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
2874: rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
2875: down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
2876: on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
2877: station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
2878: drowned in the lake!"
2879: "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
2880: more chain than he can swim with?"
2881: %
2882: A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
2883: A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
2884: %
2885: A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
2886: "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
2887: The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
2888: %
2889: A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
2890: coming again soon. Bend over.
2891: %
2892: A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
2893: hard it was to get any sleep.
2894: "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
2895: drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
2896: "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
2897: "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
2898: %
2899: A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
2900: That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
2901: and that's how we'll do it now.
2902: -- Dick Hamlet
2903: %
2904: A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
2905: -- Bobby Knight
2906: %
2907: A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
2908: it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
2909: %
2910: A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
2911: professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
2912: and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
2913: night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
2914: asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
2915: "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
2916: %
2917: A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
2918: the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
2919: with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
2920: speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
2921: a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
2922: "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
2923: territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
2924: At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
2925: "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
2926: fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
2927: fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
2928: At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
2929: openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
2930: to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
2931: German Air Force.
2932: He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
2933: %
2934: A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
2935: they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
2936: however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
2937: what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
2938: scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
2939: Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
2940: would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
2941: "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
2942: must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
2943: %
2944: A guest in a household quite charmless
2945: Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
2946: "If you're caught unawares
2947: At the head of the stairs,
2948: Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
2949: -- Edward Gorey
2950: %
2951: A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
2952: girl there.
2953: "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
2954: "What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
2955: He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
2956: "This frog can eat pussy."
2957: The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
2958: a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
2959: discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
2960: She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
2961: says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
2962: owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
2963: "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
2964: "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
2965: By now, the girl is laughing openly.
2966: "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
2967: only going to show you one more time."
2968: %
2969: A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
2970: into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
2971: and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so
2972: curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
2973: Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
2974: %
2975: A habit depraved and unsavory
2976: Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
2977: Midst screeches and howls
2978: He deflowered young owls
2979: Which he kept in an underground aviary
2980: %
2981: A habit obscene and bizarre,
2982: Has taken a-hold of papa.
2983: He brings home young camels
2984: And other odd mammals,
2985: And gives them a go at mama.
2986: %
2987: A habit obscene and unsavory,
2988: Holds a CS professor in slavery.
2989: With maniacal howls,
2990: He deflowers young owls,
2991: That he keeps in an underground aviary.
2992: %
2993: A hacker who screwed a mag tape
2994: Was caught and convicted of rape.
2995: To jail he did go,
2996: From which, to his woe
2997: He couldn't get out with ESC.
2998: %
2999: A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
3000: Made love to the drive of his disk.
3001: The thing circumsized him,
3002: Which rather suprised him.
3003: He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
3004: %
3005: A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
3006: %
3007: A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
3008: %
3009: A hard man is good to find.
3010: %
3011: A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
3012: the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
3013: right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with
3014: that?"
3015: When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
3016: downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
3017: all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?"
3018: Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man
3019: on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!"
3020: the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?"
3021: "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong
3022: end of the bar."
3023: %
3024: A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
3025: the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
3026: told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
3027: home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
3028: of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
3029: soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
3030: the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
3031: Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
3032: thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
3033: but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
3034: Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
3035: Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
3036: worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
3037: "Saunders, help me please!"
3038: "But what is it, Madame?"
3039: "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
3040: "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
3041: %
3042: A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
3043: she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
3044: "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
3045: The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
3046: %
3047: A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
3048: the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
3049: and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
3050: line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
3051: do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
3052: The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
3053: there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
3054: 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
3055: third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
3056: "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
3057: this here corn liquor?"
3058: "Got one right here," replied the guard.
3059: The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
3060: "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
3061: "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
3062: a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
3063: The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
3064: with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
3065: smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
3066: want killed?"
3067: %
3068: A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
3069: can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
3070: over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
3071: and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
3072: "Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
3073: %
3074: A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
3075: -- Norman Mailer
3076: %
3077: A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
3078: father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
3079: used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?"
3080: "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before
3081: your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from
3082: behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get
3083: down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop
3084: some manure from the ground and eat it!"
3085: "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
3086: And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
3087: I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
3088: it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
3089: "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why,
3090: we had *lunch* together!"
3091: %
3092: A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
3093: Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
3094: "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
3095: backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
3096: thet one wuz!"
3097: "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
3098: the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
3099: Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?"
3100: His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're
3101: probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue."
3102: "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
3103: was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
3104: Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
3105: "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
3106: Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
3107: "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
3108: not aware of!"
3109: %
3110: A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
3111: -- Thomas Hardy
3112: %
3113: A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
3114: -- Carrie Snow
3115: %
3116: A man always needs to remember one thing about
3117: a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
3118: %
3119: A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
3120: husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
3121: wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
3122:
3123: "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
3124: Naturally, the husband is surprised.
3125: "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
3126: virgin?"
3127: "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
3128: computer programmer."
3129: "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
3130: a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
3131: "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
3132: tell me how great it was going to be."
3133: %
3134: A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
3135: who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
3136: lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
3137: you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
3138: her again. Okay?"
3139: "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
3140: on the side to make it interesting?"
3141: %
3142: A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
3143: or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
3144: -- Joan Rivers
3145: %
3146: A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
3147: next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
3148: Polish."
3149: He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
3150: Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
3151: "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
3152: with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
3153: the joke.
3154: "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
3155: "Nah," says the man.
3156: "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
3157: man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
3158: "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
3159: five times."
3160: %
3161: A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up
3162: from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
3163: around his bed.
3164: "What happened?" he asks worriedly.
3165: "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
3166: and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we
3167: performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina
3168: has been crafted into place."
3169: "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to
3170: tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience
3171: another erection!"
3172: "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
3173: course, have to be someone else's."
3174: %
3175: A man is as old as the woman he feels.
3176: -- Groucho Marx
3177: %
3178: A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
3179: sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
3180: car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
3181: "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
3182: "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
3183: "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
3184: So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
3185: I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
3186: "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
3187: "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
3188: "Do it again."
3189: It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
3190: Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
3191: "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
3192: time."
3193: The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
3194: twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
3195: "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
3196: "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
3197: I want you to drive her into Salerno."
3198: %
3199: A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
3200: for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
3201: until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
3202: which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
3203: a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
3204: takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
3205: "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
3206: anything to show my gratitude."
3207: "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
3208: that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
3209: and take that damn dog for a walk!"
3210: %
3211: A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
3212: in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
3213: "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
3214: is your heart's desire?"
3215: "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis."
3216: "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
3217: As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
3218: feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
3219: By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
3220: his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
3221: grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later,
3222: he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
3223: "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
3224: is your heart's desire?"
3225: "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make
3226: my legs longer?"
3227: %
3228: A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
3229: contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
3230: "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
3231: out in public!"
3232: "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
3233: "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
3234: showing that thing to everybody."
3235: And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
3236: when he hands her $1000.
3237: "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
3238: you to?" she asks.
3239: "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
3240: the money."
3241: "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
3242: tears welling up in her eyes.
3243: "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
3244: %
3245: A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
3246: longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
3247: followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
3248: other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
3249: no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
3250: "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
3251: but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
3252: the funeral for?"
3253: "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
3254: in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
3255: attacked and killed her."
3256: "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
3257: don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
3258: "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
3259: %
3260: A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
3261: antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
3262: from around here, are you?"
3263: "No," replies the man with the antennae.
3264: "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
3265: either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
3266: "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
3267: "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
3268: there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
3269: "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
3270: "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
3271: big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
3272: Martians have that?"
3273: "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
3274: %
3275: A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
3276: bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
3277: -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
3278: %
3279: A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
3280: %
3281: A man never minds being in the doghouse
3282: as long as he can get his tail outside.
3283: %
3284: A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
3285: three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
3286: them one after another.
3287: "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
3288: "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
3289: "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
3290: "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
3291: the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
3292: %
3293: A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
3294: help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
3295: the train platform.
3296: "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
3297: "Glad to do it," said the other man.
3298: "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
3299: "It was a pleasure," said the man.
3300: "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
3301: "she was a truly great lay."
3302: The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
3303: to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
3304: to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
3305: "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
3306: Sam is a helluva nice guy."
3307: %
3308: A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
3309: some good news and some bad news."
3310: "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
3311: "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
3312: longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
3313: "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?"
3314: "Malignant."
3315: %
3316: A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
3317: water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
3318: person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
3319: First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
3320: ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
3321: be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
3322: thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
3323: shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
3324: went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
3325: and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
3326: he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
3327: and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
3328: and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
3329: was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
3330: outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
3331: at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
3332: last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
3333: or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
3334: satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
3335: for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
3336: %
3337: A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he
3338: says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
3339: me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt."
3340: "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
3341: "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
3342: and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust
3343: her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
3344: The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
3345: "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening
3346: after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man
3347: got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
3348: After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he
3349: took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went
3350: out."
3351: "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
3352: "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
3353: "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always*
3354: that doubt!"
3355: %
3356: A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
3357: find a girl willing to listen to him.
3358: %
3359: A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
3360: shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
3361: "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
3362: the glass for me?
3363: "Sure," said the bartender.
3364: "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
3365: you'll find the money for the beer."
3366: The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
3367: "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
3368: Where is the men's room?"
3369: "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
3370: two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
3371: %
3372: A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
3373: %
3374: A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
3375: %
3376: A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
3377: for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son
3378: wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
3379: old age home that money can buy.
3380: On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
3381: to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently
3382: straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
3383: finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs
3384: over and gently pushes him upright again.
3385: The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
3386: being treated.
3387: "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like
3388: it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
3389: there's just one little problem."
3390: "What's that, Dad?"
3391: "They won't let you fart."
3392: %
3393: A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
3394: %
3395: A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
3396: many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
3397: the police.
3398: -- Mr. Dooley
3399: %
3400: A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
3401: swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
3402: his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
3403: "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
3404: "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
3405: The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
3406: %
3407: A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
3408: Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
3409: anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
3410: the pressure.
3411: "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
3412: foreman. "The other men swear by it."
3413: The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
3414: his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
3415: every day!"
3416: "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
3417: other men replied.
3418: "Why not then?"
3419: "That's your day in the barrel."
3420: %
3421: A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
3422: on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
3423: over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
3424: As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
3425: from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
3426: "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
3427: you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
3428: Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
3429: "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
3430: "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
3431: "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
3432: "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
3433: Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
3434: to his death.
3435: "DUMB YANKEE."
3436: %
3437: A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
3438: by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
3439: out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
3440: that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
3441: himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
3442: the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
3443: "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
3444: onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
3445: "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
3446: gallon or two."
3447: %
3448: A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
3449: -- Phyllis Schlafly
3450: %
3451: A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
3452: out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
3453: Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few
3454: minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
3455: and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
3456: them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
3457: the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
3458: partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
3459: morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
3460: night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even
3461: bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
3462: where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
3463: deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
3464: you -- I'm Thor!".
3465: The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
3466: like grated cheeth!"
3467: %
3468: A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
3469: sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
3470: married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
3471: to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
3472: risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
3473: to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
3474: thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
3475: that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
3476: children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
3477: by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
3478: -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
3479: attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
3480: pornography.
3481: %
3482: A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
3483: sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
3484: married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
3485: to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
3486: risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
3487: to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
3488: thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
3489: that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
3490: children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
3491: by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
3492: -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
3493: attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
3494: pornography.
3495: %
3496: A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
3497: going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after
3498: two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
3499: His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
3500: nothing.
3501: On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
3502: the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
3503: This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
3504: more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
3505: misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
3506: club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife
3507: whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
3508: Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
3509: daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
3510: you?"
3511: "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
3512: %
3513: A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
3514: %
3515: A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
3516: talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
3517: was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
3518: their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
3519: the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
3520: said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
3521: %
3522: A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
3523: true to the very end of the end of a friend.
3524: %
3525: A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
3526: who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
3527: speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
3528: unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
3529: -- Thackeray
3530: %
3531: A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
3532: trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
3533: mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
3534: results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
3535: octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
3536: the next morning, he asked the octopus,
3537: "Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
3538: "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
3539: night!"
3540: %
3541: A person who has both feet planted firmly
3542: in the air can be safely called a liberal.
3543: %
3544: A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
3545: against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
3546: hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that
3547: the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
3548: of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
3549: "What happened to your car?"
3550: "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
3551: stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on
3552: the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here;
3553: right on my key!"
3554: "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come
3555: down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
3556: yourself!"
3557: "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
3558: %
3559: A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
3560: %
3561: A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
3562: %
3563: A programmer down in Moline
3564: Said, I'm the match for any machine.
3565: My secret's aversion,
3566: To loops and recursion,
3567: Just acres of in-line routine.
3568: -- W.J. Wilson
3569: %
3570: A progressive professor named Winners
3571: Held classes each evening for sinners.
3572: They were graded and spaced
3573: So the vile and debased
3574: Would not be held back by beginners.
3575: %
3576: A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
3577: over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
3578: The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
3579: Bishop."
3580: "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
3581: "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
3582: might be made an Archbishop."
3583: "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
3584: "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
3585: "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
3586: Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
3587: be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
3588: "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
3589: up from being the Pope?"
3590: "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
3591: The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
3592: %
3593: A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
3594: commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
3595: The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
3596: the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
3597: field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
3598: room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
3599: beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
3600: Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
3601: looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
3602: obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
3603: %
3604: A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
3605: and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
3606: to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
3607: could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
3608: idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
3609: and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
3610: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
3611: At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
3612: Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
3613: in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
3614: its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
3615: "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
3616: Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
3617: in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
3618: Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
3619: big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
3620: you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
3621: %
3622: A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
3623: his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
3624: sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprieter, "How much
3625: to replace this, Ian?" The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
3626: pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
3627: condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
3628: for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
3629: Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
3630: says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
3631: %
3632: A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
3633: One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
3634: He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
3635: So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
3636:
3637: Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
3638: One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
3639: "See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
3640: "I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
3641:
3642: They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
3643: They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
3644: And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
3645: Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
3646:
3647: They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
3648: "Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
3649: As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
3650: Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
3651:
3652: The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
3653: Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
3654: Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
3655: "Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
3656: -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
3657: %
3658: A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
3659: all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say,
3660: Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
3661: "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
3662: cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
3663: "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were
3664: all of 'em dead?"
3665: Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
3666: you know how them Mex'cans lie."
3667: %
3668: A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
3669: act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
3670: styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
3671: for fun at the lad's expense.
3672: "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
3673: The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
3674: her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
3675: a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
3676: tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
3677: give him the proper size.
3678: "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
3679: half interest in the store."
3680: %
3681: A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It
3682: happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
3683: greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
3684: third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
3685: The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he
3686: swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
3687: The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
3688: Runna Mickey!"
3689: The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him
3690: carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
3691: "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
3692: to walk to first base.
3693: The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"
3694: "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."
3695: And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
3696: Joe. Walka proud."
3697: %
3698: A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
3699: animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
3700: attendant.
3701: "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
3702: pricks than those raised in Africa?"
3703: The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
3704: "the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
3705: about the same."
3706: %
3707: A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
3708: the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
3709: hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
3710: The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!"
3711: "No women? What do the men do for... er..."
3712: "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the
3713: answer, right there."
3714: Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
3715: drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
3716: wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
3717: to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
3718: game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
3719: a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
3720: quiet. In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
3721: "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
3722: "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
3723: %
3724: A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
3725: %
3726: A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
3727: for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under
3728: a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
3729: with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing
3730: uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
3731: "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
3732: "Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
3733: "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
3734: "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
3735: %
3736: A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
3737: greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
3738: Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
3739: "Yes, Tony?"
3740: "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
3741: "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
3742: but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
3743: From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
3744: "Yes, Bernie?"
3745: "Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
3746: "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is
3747: your apple."
3748: When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
3749: the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
3750: that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
3751: "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
3752: but business is business."
3753: %
3754: A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
3755: %
3756: A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
3757: Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
3758: The result of this fuck
3759: Was a three titted duck,
3760: A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
3761: %
3762: A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
3763: century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
3764: rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry
3765: and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had
3766: never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
3767:
3768: Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
3769: Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what
3770: does it look like?"
3771: LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my
3772: vegetables with its tail!"
3773: Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?"
3774: LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
3775: %
3776: A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
3777: %
3778: A virgin is chaste.
3779: %
3780: A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
3781: %
3782: A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
3783: comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
3784: -- Oscar Wilde
3785: %
3786: A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
3787: -- Addison
3788: %
3789: A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
3790: *for the rest of your life*.
3791: -- Jim Samuels
3792: %
3793: A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
3794: this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
3795: unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
3796: -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
3797: masturbation is "by no means harmless"
3798: %
3799: A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
3800: %
3801: A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
3802: -- Scott
3803: %
3804: A woman forgives the audacity of which
3805: her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
3806: -- LeSage
3807: %
3808: A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
3809: dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
3810: about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
3811: "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
3812: with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
3813: much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
3814: The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
3815: side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
3816: "On my balls."
3817: %
3818: A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
3819: thankful for a good one.
3820: -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
3821: %
3822: A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
3823: the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
3824: The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
3825: people personal questions."
3826: The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
3827: The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going
3828: to tell you."
3829: Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the
3830: car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in
3831: the car and watch my purse."
3832: After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
3833: license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When
3834: her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments:
3835: "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32."
3836: "That's right! How did you know?"
3837: "And you weigh 119 pounds."
3838: "Did you look in my purse?"
3839: "And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
3840: "You *do*?"
3841: "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
3842: %
3843: A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
3844: -- Blind Lemon Pledge
3845: %
3846: A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
3847: she flies; fly from her, she follows.
3848: -- Chamfort
3849: %
3850: A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
3851: little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
3852: -- Adolf Hitler
3853: %
3854: A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
3855: It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
3856: -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
3857: %
3858: A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
3859: over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
3860: pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
3861: -- Stendhal
3862: %
3863: A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
3864: -- Herodotus
3865: %
3866: A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
3867: pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
3868: woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
3869: love, without virtue, without sex.
3870: -- Balzac
3871: %
3872: A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
3873: -- Pancho Villa
3874: %
3875: A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
3876: -- Gloria Steinem
3877: %
3878: A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
3879: Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
3880: %
3881: A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
3882: as he can.
3883: -- Moms Mabley
3884: %
3885: A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
3886: sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
3887: off his penis.
3888: The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather
3889: uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
3890: tell her why he won't make love to her.
3891: "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there."
3892: "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling,
3893: come here and look for yourself."
3894: The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
3895: "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?"
3896: "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible*
3897: condition."
3898: %
3899: A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
3900: She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
3901: three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
3902: %
3903: A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
3904: himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
3905: he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
3906: of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
3907: if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
3908: The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
3909: grant you three wishes."
3910: "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
3911: "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
3912: ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes
3913: if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken
3914: aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After
3915: the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
3916: The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
3917: Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
3918: "25."
3919: "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
3920: %
3921: A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
3922: daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
3923: a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
3924: out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
3925: who uses bad words?"
3926: "Who told you?"
3927: "A little bird," answered the mother.
3928: "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
3929: feeding the little bastards, too!"
3930: %
3931: A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
3932: as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage,
3933: like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
3934: be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a
3935: carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who
3936: worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally,
3937: the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
3938: A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
3939: received a telegram from their sister. It read:
3940:
3941: I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused
3942: when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm
3943: going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly...
3944: %
3945: A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
3946: %
3947: Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
3948: The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
3949: Her figurehead They filled his ass,
3950: A whore in bed, With broken glass,
3951: Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcized the skipper.
3952:
3953: The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
3954: And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
3955: Once round the deck, They nailed her tits,
3956: Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits,
3957: And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table.
3958:
3959: The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy,
3960: And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy,
3961: When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock,
3962: And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock,
3963: Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy!
3964: %
3965: AC/DC is a rock band.
3966: -- Bisexuality, 101
3967: %
3968: Achilles' Biological Findings:
3969: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
3970: If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
3971: (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
3972: -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
3973: %
3974: Adam's Law:
3975: (1) Women don't know what they want;
3976: they don't like what they have got.
3977: (2) Men know very well what they want;
3978: having got it, they begin to lose interest.
3979: %
3980: Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
3981: and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
3982: %
3983: Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
3984: such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
3985: %
3986: ADULTERY:
3987: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
3988: %
3989: Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
3990: -- Mary Wells, advertising executive
3991: %
3992: After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
3993: are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really
3994: starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
3995: rummaging through a dresser drawer.
3996: "What are you doing?" she asks.
3997: "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
3998: %
3999: After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
4000: bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
4001: love to men?"
4002: "That's MY business," she snapped.
4003: "Ah," he said. "A professional."
4004: %
4005: After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
4006: attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted
4007: for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
4008: and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
4009: were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
4010: a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
4011: girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
4012: "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
4013: be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
4014: "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
4015: like you doing in a hotel like this?"
4016: "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
4017: %
4018: After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
4019: %
4020: After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
4021: in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
4022: hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
4023: and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
4024: to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
4025: become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
4026: needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally,
4027: the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
4028: little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the
4029: time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And,
4030: remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
4031: wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
4032: counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
4033: "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
4034: %
4035: After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
4036: bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
4037: his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
4038: on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have
4039: you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
4040: %
4041: After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
4042: the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
4043: indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
4044: "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some
4045: progress."
4046: %
4047: After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
4048: embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
4049: "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
4050: "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
4051: "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
4052: "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
4053: drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will
4054: embarrass us.
4055: "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that
4056: nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
4057: make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"
4058: "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
4059: sister."
4060: A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said,
4061: "is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
4062: %
4063: After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
4064: to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
4065: "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
4066: to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
4067: "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
4068: find one at three in the morning?"
4069: %
4070: After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
4071: brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
4072: -- Ronnie Shakes
4073: %
4074: After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
4075: -- Joan Rivers
4076: %
4077: Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
4078: %
4079: AI hackers do it robotically.
4080: %
4081: AI hackers do it with robots.
4082: %
4083: Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
4084: -- Bobcat Goldthwait
4085: %
4086: Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
4087:
4088: Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"?
4089: A: Antler marks on their hips.
4090: %
4091: Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
4092: the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
4093: -- Raymond Chandler
4094: %
4095: Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
4096: %
4097: Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
4098: daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
4099: "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
4100: "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
4101: "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
4102: "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
4103: so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
4104: screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
4105: down."
4106: %
4107: "Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
4108: the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
4109: %
4110: alimony, n:
4111: Having an ex you can bank on.
4112: %
4113: All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
4114: a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
4115: %
4116: All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
4117: them apart.
4118: %
4119: All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
4120: %
4121: All I want is a girl made of wood,
4122: With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
4123: She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
4124: Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
4125: -- Pinocchio
4126: %
4127: All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
4128: penis or a vagina.
4129: -- Florynce Kennedy
4130:
4131: There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
4132: or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
4133: -- Gloria Steinem
4134: %
4135: All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
4136: injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
4137: -- Mark Twain
4138: %
4139: All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
4140: And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
4141: And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
4142: And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
4143: Hello, operator, give me number nine,
4144: If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
4145: Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
4146: If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
4147: Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
4148: This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
4149: She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
4150: She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
4151: He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
4152: Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
4153: -- Princess
4154: %
4155: All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons,
4156: All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings,
4157: All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom,
4158: The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings.
4159:
4160: All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet,
4161: All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid.
4162: All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin?
4163: The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did.
4164:
4165: All things scabbed and ulcerous,
4166: All pox both great and small.
4167: Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
4168: The Lord God made them all.
4169: -- Monty Python
4170: %
4171: All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
4172: crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying
4173: part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
4174: there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
4175: important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
4176: president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
4177: believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
4178: the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
4179: a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
4180: going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
4181: home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white
4182: collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
4183: -- J. Feiffer
4184: %
4185: All work and no pay makes a housewife.
4186: %
4187: Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
4188: subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
4189: to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning
4190: must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the
4191: essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
4192: sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point
4193: of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
4194: not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
4195: in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
4196: is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
4197: there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
4198: in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
4199: of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be
4200: willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
4201: in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
4202: a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
4203: protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
4204: -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
4205: %
4206: Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
4207: of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
4208: appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his
4209: proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
4210: superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely
4211: inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the
4212: responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a
4213: natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
4214: the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him
4215: on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative
4216: anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
4217: to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing
4218: up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
4219: week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
4220: your last sermon!"
4221:
4222: The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
4223: Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
4224: Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
4225: You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
4226: among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at
4227: Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
4228: and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long
4229: and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
4230: main may!'"
4231: %
4232: Always talk to your wife while you're
4233: making love... if there's a phone handy.
4234: %
4235: ambition, n:
4236: An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
4237: %
4238: America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
4239: with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
4240: anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
4241: -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign
4242: Trail"
4243: %
4244: America cannot be sold a can of beer without
4245: being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
4246: -- Julius Lester
4247: %
4248: America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
4249: -- Allen Ginsberg
4250: %
4251: American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
4252: is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently,
4253: any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
4254: in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how
4255: to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
4256: husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
4257: help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges
4258: which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
4259: men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
4260: continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred
4261: other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
4262: greatest friction.
4263: -- James Michener, "Space"
4264: %
4265: America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
4266: -- Lyndon B. Johnson
4267: %
4268: An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
4269: %
4270: An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
4271: the happiness of life.
4272: "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
4273: dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
4274: Football," the American said.
4275: "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
4276: a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
4277: romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life."
4278: "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
4279: two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping
4280: soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
4281: door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking
4282: with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret
4283: policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
4284: Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
4285: being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
4286: shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
4287: lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
4288: %
4289: An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
4290: exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
4291: only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care
4292: for a cigar?" he asked.
4293: "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and
4294: didn't like it."
4295: "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
4296: businessman asked.
4297: "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
4298: "Well, how about a game of billiards?"
4299: "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
4300: As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
4301: son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
4302: "Your son? An only child, I presume."
4303: %
4304: An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
4305: dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
4306: visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
4307: arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
4308: hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
4309: "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late.
4310: First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
4311: ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
4312: The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
4313: friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
4314: and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
4315: hero. He speaks first:
4316: "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
4317: "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
4318: capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
4319: capeau noir?"
4320: "Ma femme est morte."
4321: "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"
4322: %
4323: An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
4324: is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
4325: of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her
4326: if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
4327: got a quick bite to eat.
4328: "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little
4329: Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
4330: Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
4331: an open window and takes the seat.
4332: An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
4333: American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
4334: you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
4335: street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
4336: %
4337: An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
4338: Saw sartorial changes ahead.
4339: His mind kept on ringing
4340: With fishy girls singing;
4341: Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
4342: -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
4343: %
4344: An Army travels on her stomach.
4345: %
4346: An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
4347: logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have
4348: been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
4349: -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
4350: %
4351: An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
4352: chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
4353: Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
4354: who has seen the Managing Director face on).
4355: -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
4356: %
4357: And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God
4358: upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
4359: criminal at the bar of justice.
4360: -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
4361: %
4362: ...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
4363: the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody
4364: talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
4365: %
4366: And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
4367: he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at
4368: me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh,
4369: the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
4370: suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
4371: not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
4372: lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
4373: other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
4374: redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
4375: no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
4376: because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
4377: nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
4378: lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
4379: and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
4380: were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
4381: old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
4382: and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
4383: lewd in it at all.
4384: -- Marquis de Sade
4385: %
4386: And let me the canakin clink, clink;
4387: and let me the canakin clink.
4388: A soldier's a man;
4389: O, man's life's but a span,
4390: Why then, let a soldier drink.
4391: %
4392: And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
4393: ... a brief pause, and then Bing!
4394: %
4395: And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
4396: as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
4397: And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
4398: open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
4399: %
4400: And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
4401: And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
4402: --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
4403: %
4404: And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
4405: victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
4406: freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
4407: off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and
4408: he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
4409: his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
4410: a piece of tail.
4411: -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
4412: %
4413: And the northern lights commenced to glow.
4414: And she said, with a tear in her eye,
4415: "Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
4416: -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
4417: %
4418: And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
4419: he was melting...
4420: %
4421: "And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
4422: upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her
4423: companion.
4424: "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!"
4425: %
4426: Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
4427: photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the
4428: greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
4429: "My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to
4430: record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
4431: upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
4432: between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
4433: family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
4434: signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
4435: than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
4436: of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
4437: drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
4438: Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
4439: "young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
4440: couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
4441: a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
4442: "Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the
4443: husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
4444: being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
4445: singer."
4446: -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
4447: %
4448: Another nun joke!!!
4449: You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
4450: this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
4451: exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
4452: there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
4453: %
4454: Another stupid gay joke!!!
4455: You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
4456: daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
4457: serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
4458: in and kick your ass?"
4459: The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
4460: thurstay...."
4461: Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
4462: on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
4463: as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
4464: bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
4465: lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
4466: From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
4467: %
4468: anxiety, n:
4469: The first time you can't do it a second time.
4470:
4471: panic, n:
4472: The second time you can't do it the first time.
4473: %
4474: Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
4475: his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
4476: %
4477: Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
4478: %
4479: Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
4480: %
4481: APL hackers take all they want.
4482: %
4483: Apple owners do it with mice!
4484: %
4485: APPOINTMENT BOOK:
4486: The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
4487: invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
4488: December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
4489: it was you did during the past year.
4490: %
4491: Are there those in the land of the brave
4492: Who can tell me how I should behave
4493: When I am disgraced
4494: Because I erased
4495: A file I intended to save?
4496: %
4497: ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
4498: Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
4499: who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
4500: and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
4501: natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
4502: %
4503: Arkansas:
4504: Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
4505: %
4506: As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
4507: and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
4508: be childless.
4509:
4510: The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
4511: doubtless, a separation.
4512: -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
4513: %
4514: As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
4515: sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
4516: was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
4517: %
4518: As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
4519: %
4520: As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
4521: makes the ride fun."
4522: %
4523: As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
4524: than the average asshole on the street.
4525: -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
4526: %
4527: As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
4528: within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
4529: sex."
4530: One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
4531: know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however,
4532: have two alcoholics."
4533: %
4534: As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
4535: saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
4536: one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
4537: you're a veterinarian."
4538: %
4539: As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
4540: have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest
4541: issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
4542: simply marvelous."
4543: %
4544: As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
4545: VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
4546: offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
4547: Driver's Handbook:
4548: If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
4549: choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
4550: heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
4551: soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
4552: end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
4553: this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
4554: not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
4555: automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a
4556: feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To
4557: ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
4558: as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
4559: -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
4560: -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
4561: -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
4562: white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers,
4563: who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
4564: Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in
4565: your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
4566: you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
4567: the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
4568: %
4569: As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
4570: figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew
4571: his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
4572: oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
4573: inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You
4574: could have been killed!"
4575: The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was
4576: coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
4577: brakes."
4578: %
4579: As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
4580: %
4581: Ask your boss to reconsider --
4582: It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
4583: %
4584: Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
4585: woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
4586: she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
4587: -- David Letterman
4588: %
4589: ASS:
4590: The masculine of "lass".
4591: %
4592: Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
4593: %
4594: Assassins do it from behind.
4595: %
4596: At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
4597: it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over
4598: the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
4599: NOT my rectum!"
4600: "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
4601: Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
4602: room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
4603: "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
4604: "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
4605: off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
4606: numbers on it!"
4607: %
4608: At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
4609: The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went
4610: to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
4611:
4612: "IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
4613: theologians.
4614: "YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
4615: SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
4616: %
4617: At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
4618: decent men in public life.
4619: -- Renata Adler
4620: %
4621: Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
4622: %
4623: Australia's a lovely land
4624: It's full of bonza blokes,
4625: Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
4626: Except in Pommie jokes.
4627:
4628: Australians are lovely chaps
4629: They're God's own chosen race.
4630: If they ever see a fairy Pom
4631: They'll smash him in the face.
4632:
4633: Australians like dressing up
4634: In skirts and having fun
4635: And that's all we were doing
4636: When the Vice Squad came along.
4637: -- Monty Python
4638: %
4639: A-Z affectionately,
4640: 1 to 10 alphabetically,
4641: from here to eternity without in betweens,
4642: still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
4643: sales talk from sales assistants
4644: when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
4645: no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
4646: love's on arrival,
4647: she comes when she comes,
4648: right on the target but wide of the mark...
4649: %
4650: B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
4651: %
4652: Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
4653: -- Nicolas Chamfort
4654: %
4655: Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
4656: popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
4657: blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
4658: back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
4659: kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
4660: give you $10 for a blow job."
4661: The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
4662: killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
4663: you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
4664: Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
4665: No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
4666: %
4667: Balls Law:
4668: The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
4669: of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
4670: %
4671: BALTIMORE:
4672: Where the women wear turtleneck
4673: sweators to hide their flea collars.
4674: %
4675: Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
4676: %
4677: Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
4678: Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
4679: Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
4680: Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
4681: -- Tom Lehrer
4682: %
4683: BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
4684: %
4685: Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
4686: %
4687: Beauty, n:
4688: The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
4689: -- Ambrose Bierce
4690: %
4691: Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
4692: %
4693: Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
4694: repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
4695: more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
4696: get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
4697: bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
4698: love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
4699: too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
4700: care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
4701: aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
4702: if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
4703: unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
4704: men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
4705: made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
4706: we are part of the women's liberation movement.
4707: %
4708: Bedfellows make strange politicians.
4709: %
4710: beef stroganoff, n:
4711: A bull masturbating.
4712: %
4713: "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
4714: confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
4715: "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
4716: replied.
4717: "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
4718: %
4719: Beifeld's Principle:
4720: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
4721: young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
4722: is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
4723: better-looking and richer male friend.
4724: -- R. Beifeld
4725: %
4726: Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
4727: To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
4728: -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
4729: %
4730: Bend over and take it like a man!
4731: %
4732: Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
4733: For her life held no terrors.
4734: A virgin born, a virgin died:
4735: No hits, no runs, no errors.
4736: %
4737: Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
4738: They buried him today,
4739: He lived the life of Riley,
4740: While Riley was away.
4741: %
4742: Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut?
4743: Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
4744: Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
4745: It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
4746: %
4747: Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
4748: %
4749: BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
4750: The single girl's motto.
4751: %
4752: Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
4753: -- Mae West
4754: %
4755: Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
4756: %
4757: Bi now, gay later!
4758: %
4759: Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
4760: generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic
4761: prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
4762: and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
4763: you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail
4764: isn't sharp. In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
4765: remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
4766: with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
4767: A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but
4768: can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely
4769: erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
4770: results.
4771: -- The Joy of Sex
4772: [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
4773: %
4774: Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
4775: discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
4776: can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
4777: don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
4778: %
4779: Birth, copulation and death.
4780: That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
4781: Birth, copulation and death.
4782: -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
4783: %
4784: Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
4785: -- Woody Allen
4786: %
4787: Bitch, bitch, bitch --
4788: That's all I ever hear,
4789: Ever since the dog ate the baby,
4790: "Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
4791: %
4792: Blow it out your ass!
4793: %
4794: Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
4795: sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St.
4796: Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk
4797: driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
4798: %
4799: BOHICA:
4800: Bend over, here it comes again.
4801: %
4802: Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
4803: your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's
4804: one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
4805: but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
4806: feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
4807: something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
4808: because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
4809: mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
4810: self to try it.
4811: -- The Joy of Sex
4812: %
4813: Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
4814: Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
4815: %
4816: Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
4817: %
4818: Breakfast sometime?
4819: Sure.
4820: Shall I call you or just nudge you?
4821: %
4822: Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
4823: Held venal traffic with a gnu.
4824: Mistaking fore for aft one morn
4825: Impaled herself upon its horn.
4826:
4827: Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun
4828: our furred and feathered friends.
4829: %
4830: Brigands will demand your money or
4831: your life, but a woman will demand both.
4832: -- Samuel Butler
4833: %
4834: Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
4835: %
4836: Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
4837: [reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
4838: -- NY Times
4839: %
4840: Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
4841: week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
4842: students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
4843: with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
4844: the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
4845: to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing
4846: revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
4847: the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
4848: campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
4849: Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
4850: addition to the usual humiliation.
4851: %
4852: brunette bush, n:
4853: The dark side of the moon.
4854: %
4855: bug, n:
4856: A son of a glitch.
4857: %
4858: Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
4859: Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
4860: The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
4861: cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
4862: tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
4863: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
4864: %
4865: "But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
4866: -- Anonymous med school student.
4867: %
4868: But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
4869: Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
4870: -- S.I. Hayakawa
4871: %
4872: But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
4873: -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
4874: %
4875: Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
4876: -- Lord Beaverbrook
4877: %
4878: By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
4879: get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
4880: -- Socrates
4881: %
4882: CAD:
4883: A man who doesn't tell his wife
4884: that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
4885: %
4886: CALIFORNIA:
4887: From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
4888: Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
4889: "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
4890: -- Ed Moran, Covina, California
4891: %
4892: Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
4893: %
4894: callgirl, n:
4895: A negotiable blond.
4896: %
4897: Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
4898: -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
4899: %
4900: Camille's Axiom:
4901: If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
4902: I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
4903: %
4904: Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
4905: -- From the movie "Outrageous"
4906: %
4907: CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
4908: You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
4909: They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
4910: That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
4911: recipients are Cancer people.
4912: %
4913: Candy
4914: Is dandy
4915: But liquor
4916: Is quicker.
4917: -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
4918:
4919: Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
4920: Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
4921: and sex won't rot your teeth.
4922: %
4923: Captain Hook died of jock itch.
4924: %
4925: "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
4926: the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
4927: client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
4928: a hole in the ground."
4929: %
4930: Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when
4931: Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
4932: -- Bill Marr
4933: %
4934: Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
4935: Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll:
4936: Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black,
4937: Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight;
4938: En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end.
4939: -- Edward Gorey
4940: %
4941: Chaste makes waste.
4942: %
4943: Chastity:
4944: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
4945: -- Aldous Huxley
4946: %
4947: CHASTITY BELT:
4948: An anti-trust suit.
4949:
4950: (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
4951: %
4952: Chastity is its own punishment.
4953: %
4954: Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
4955: bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block.
4956: I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
4957: It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded,
4958: middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
4959: beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
4960: to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to
4961: a wedding?"
4962: He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
4963: yeah."
4964: He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You
4965: know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
4966: %
4967: Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
4968: Jack Frost ripping up your nose
4969: Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
4970: And folks dressed up like buffaloes
4971: Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
4972: Helps to make the season right
4973: Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
4974: Will find it hard to see tonight
4975: They know that Santa's on his way
4976: He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
4977: And every mother's child is sure to spy
4978: To see if reindeer really scream when they die
4979: And so I'm offering this simple phrase
4980: To kids from one to ninety two
4981: Although it's been said many times, many ways
4982: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
4983: %
4984: Chorus:
4985: I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
4986: I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
4987: And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
4988: I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
4989: I don't want me pecker blown away,
4990: I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
4991: And fornicate me bloody life away!!
4992:
4993: Monday I touched her on the ankle,
4994: Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
4995: And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
4996: And Thursday I saw you know what,
4997: Friday I put me 'and upon it,
4998: Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
4999: And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
5000: And now she pays me forty quid a week!
5001: Oh, blimey...
5002:
5003: [chorus]
5004: %
5005: CHRIST:
5006: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
5007: %
5008: Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
5009: committing them?
5010: -- Jules Feiffer
5011: %
5012: CHRISTIAN:
5013: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
5014: book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
5015: -- Ambrose Bierce
5016: %
5017: CHRISTIAN:
5018: One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
5019: as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
5020: %
5021: Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in
5022: a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
5023: In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
5024: %
5025: CHRISTMAS:
5026: A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
5027: salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
5028: response time of the entire year.
5029: %
5030: CHRISTMAS:
5031: A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
5032: deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our
5033: choice.
5034: %
5035: Christmas comes but once a year,
5036: A time for love and laughter;
5037: You can come much more than that,
5038: But you have to clean up after.
5039: %
5040: Cinderella 10:
5041: A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
5042: then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
5043: %
5044: Clark Kent is a transvestite.
5045: %
5046: Clarke's Third Law:
5047: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
5048: magic.
5049:
5050: G's Third Law:
5051: In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
5052: is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
5053:
5054: H's Dictum:
5055: There is no magic ...
5056: %
5057: Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
5058: and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
5059: -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
5060: %
5061: Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead.
5062: %
5063: clitoris, n:
5064: A haired trigger.
5065: %
5066: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
5067:
5068: Oh, give me a clone
5069: Of my own flesh and bone
5070: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
5071: And when she is grown,
5072: My very own clone,
5073: We'll be of the opposite sex.
5074: Chorus:
5075: Clone, clone of my own,
5076: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
5077: And when we're alone,
5078: Since her mind is my own,
5079: She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
5080: -- Randall Garrett
5081: %
5082: Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
5083: %
5084: COCAINE:
5085: The thinking man's Dristan.
5086: %
5087: Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
5088: %
5089: Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
5090: %
5091: Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years.
5092: -- Tallulah Bankhead
5093: %
5094: Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
5095: %
5096: Cocaine's a joke!
5097: (Who's got the next line?)
5098: %
5099: cock-sucker, n:
5100: Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
5101: %
5102: Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat.
5103: What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds?
5104: -- Orben's Current Comedy
5105: %
5106: Coito ergo sum
5107: %
5108: coitus interruptus, n:
5109: A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
5110: "I want to have your child."
5111: %
5112: Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as
5113: ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
5114: endure marriage. But she?
5115: -- Franz Kafka
5116: %
5117: Coitus upon a cadaver
5118: Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
5119: Her inanimate state
5120: Means a man needn't wait,
5121: And eliminates all the palaver.
5122: %
5123: COLD:
5124: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
5125: %
5126: cold, adj:
5127: When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
5128: %
5129: College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
5130: and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
5131: %
5132: Come along and sing a song and join our family.
5133: B & D
5134: S & M
5135: Post to A.S.B.!
5136: Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
5137: B & D
5138: S & M
5139: Post to A.S.B.!
5140: A.S.B.!
5141: (A.S.B.!)
5142: A.S.B.!
5143: (A.S.B.!)
5144: Come on now, let's try another tie!
5145: (Tie! Tie! Tie!)
5146: All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
5147: B & D
5148: S & M
5149: Post on A.S.B.!
5150: -- To the Mickey Mouse March
5151: %
5152: Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
5153: Catholic girls start much too late,
5154: Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
5155: I might as well be the one.
5156: Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
5157: Built you a temple and locked you away,
5158: Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
5159: The things that you might have done.
5160: So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
5161: Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
5162: That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
5163: Never lets in the sun.
5164: Darling, only the good die young!
5165: -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
5166: %
5167: Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
5168: -- Mae West
5169: %
5170: COMMENT:
5171: A superfluous element of a source program included so the
5172: programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
5173: six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according
5174: to those who think they aren't.
5175: %
5176: Communists do it without class.
5177: %
5178: Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
5179: %
5180: computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
5181: Hot Apple pie.
5182: %
5183: Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
5184:
5185: [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]
5186: %
5187: Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams.
5188: -- Robin Williams
5189: %
5190: Confucious say:
5191: man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
5192: man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
5193: man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
5194: modern house without toilet uncanny.
5195: man with athletic finger make broad jump
5196: woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
5197: they shoot.
5198: man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
5199: woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
5200: child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
5201: turn out to be shiftless bastard.
5202: a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
5203: man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
5204: %
5205: Confucious say:
5206: man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
5207: man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
5208: man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
5209: boy who play with himself pulls boner.
5210: woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
5211: man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
5212: man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
5213: man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
5214: man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
5215: get exhausted.
5216: %
5217: Confucious say:
5218: woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
5219: woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
5220: next spring.
5221: man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
5222: passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
5223: man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
5224: man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
5225: woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
5226: woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
5227: Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
5228: squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
5229: eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
5230: seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
5231: %
5232: Confucious say:
5233: woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
5234: fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
5235: woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
5236: man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
5237: man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
5238: man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
5239: man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
5240: man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
5241: man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
5242: man who streak unsuited for work.
5243: woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
5244: man who beat off in car have hot rod.
5245: %
5246: CONFUSION:
5247: One woman plus one left turn.
5248: EXCITEMENT:
5249: Two women plus one secret.
5250: BEDLAM:
5251: Three women plus one bargain.
5252: CHAOS:
5253: Four women plus one luncheon check.
5254: %
5255: confusion, n:
5256: Father's Day in San Francisco.
5257: %
5258: CONSULTANT:
5259: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
5260: %
5261: continental breakfast, n:
5262: A roll in bed with some honey.
5263: %
5264: Coors, n:
5265: Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
5266: %
5267: Copa-ulation:
5268: (to the tune of Copacabana)
5269:
5270: Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
5271: She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
5272: And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
5273: And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
5274: His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
5275: Won't you order one?
5276:
5277: At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
5278:
5279: Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
5280: But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
5281: Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
5282: She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
5283: But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
5284: But a real good time ...
5285: %
5286: Couples in motion have moments.
5287: %
5288: courage, n:
5289: Two cannibals having oral sex.
5290: %
5291: Cover your stump before you hump.
5292: Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
5293: Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
5294: Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
5295: If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
5296: -- National Condom Week
5297: %
5298: Cox's philosophy:
5299: Life's a bitch, then you die.
5300: %
5301: coyote love, n:
5302: Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
5303: the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
5304: bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
5305: on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
5306: chew off your arm at the shoulder.
5307:
5308: coyote ugly, adj:
5309: When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
5310: a one-armed man!
5311: %
5312: coyote love, n:
5313: Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
5314: the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
5315: bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
5316: on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
5317: chew off your arm at the shoulder.
5318:
5319: coyote ugly, adj:
5320: When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
5321: a one-armed man!
5322:
5323: See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
5324: as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
5325: %
5326: "Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
5327: and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
5328: because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be
5329: more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
5330: entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
5331: honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
5332: to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
5333: general understanding of science as an enterprise?
5334: -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
5335: %
5336: crew, n:
5337: Eight big men and their cute little cox.
5338: %
5339: Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
5340: I know - you don't have to say that!
5341: All you guys want of me
5342: Is a poke where I pee,
5343: And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
5344: %
5345: Crinklaw's Observation:
5346: Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
5347: marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
5348: %
5349: Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
5350: Homo qui aedificabat.
5351: Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat.
5352: Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.
5353: Sed virginem pine necebat.
5354: %
5355: Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
5356: %
5357: Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
5358: %
5359: Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
5360: "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
5361: "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
5362: captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
5363: %
5364: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
5365: Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
5366: I really must beg your pardon,
5367: But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
5368: From beating my meat, against the seat,
5369: Of a bicycle built for two.
5370: -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
5371: %
5372: Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
5373: %
5374: Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
5375: Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
5376: She went down on the gents,
5377: And pronged the girl's vents
5378: With a clitoris reaching six inches.
5379: %
5380: Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
5381: -- Raymond Chandler
5382: %
5383: Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
5384: FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
5385: %
5386: Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
5387: from Avis again.
5388: -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
5389: axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
5390: rented car.
5391:
5392: If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on
5393: me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
5394: -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
5395: arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
5396:
5397: At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
5398: stand-up guy.
5399: Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
5400: He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
5401: path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
5402: sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
5403: Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
5404: you wish to say?"
5405: "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
5406: got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
5407: you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
5408: -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
5409: %
5410: Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
5411: %
5412: Dave has an areoplane,
5413: In which he likes to frisk.
5414: Oh what a foolish boy,
5415: His silly *.
5416: %
5417: David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
5418: %
5419: De Hispanice puella verumque
5420: Simplex oris verborumque
5421: Tulit potens vagina
5422: Hominum agmina
5423: Iterum iterum iterumque.
5424: %
5425: Dear Abby:
5426: I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was
5427: a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my
5428: sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother
5429: is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
5430: Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
5431: for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very
5432: much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
5433: My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
5434:
5435: Sincerely,
5436: Undecided.
5437: %
5438: Dear Abby:
5439: I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I
5440: think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember
5441: from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do?
5442: --Confused
5443:
5444: Dear Confused:
5445: If she coughs, fuck her.
5446: %
5447: Dear Ann Landers:
5448: I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
5449: Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
5450: in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
5451: I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
5452: sells narcotics.
5453: I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
5454: she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love
5455: this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her
5456: about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
5457: -- Confused.
5458: %
5459: Dear Ann Landers:
5460: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims
5461: one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to
5462: know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.
5463: -- E.J. Mayfield
5464: %
5465: Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
5466: This visage meek and humble,
5467: And hear this confidential plea
5468: Voiced in reverent mumble:
5469: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
5470: But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
5471: -- Ansel Adams
5472: %
5473: Dear Miss Manners:
5474: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
5475:
5476: Gentle Reader:
5477: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
5478: If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
5479: discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
5480: and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
5481: along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If,
5482: however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
5483: intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
5484: pink tongue.
5485: %
5486: Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
5487: telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
5488: "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
5489: %
5490: Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
5491: housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
5492: The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
5493: were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make
5494: him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
5495: put one in whatever he's drinking."
5496: Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
5497: and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped
5498: up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
5499: dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
5500: they were aspirin.
5501: When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
5502: the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
5503: of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
5504: "What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
5505: "See that mosquito?" he replied.
5506: %
5507: Dial 911. Make a cop come.
5508: %
5509: diaphragm, n:
5510: A childproof cap.
5511: %
5512: dicker, v:
5513: What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
5514: %
5515: Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
5516: -- Ed Sanders
5517: %
5518: Did you hear about...
5519: the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
5520: %
5521: Did you hear about...
5522: the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
5523: %
5524: Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
5525: her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
5526: ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that
5527: she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next
5528: question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told
5529: him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question
5530: again.
5531: Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply
5532: asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he
5533: had found the answers to all of his questions!
5534: "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh
5535: 125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!"
5536: %
5537: Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
5538: %
5539: Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
5540: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
5541: %
5542: Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
5543: He was blown down the street by a rocket.
5544: The force of the blast
5545: Blew his balls up his ass,
5546: And his pecker was found in his pocket.
5547: %
5548: Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
5549: Found the body.
5550: %
5551: Did you know that some people your age have sex
5552: thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after?
5553: %
5554: Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
5555: %
5556: Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
5557: %
5558: Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
5559: room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild!
5560: -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
5561: %
5562: Disclaimer of the Week:
5563: Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
5564: %
5565: Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
5566: As human gods aim for their mark,
5567: Make everything from toy guns that spark
5568: To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
5569: It's easy to see without looking too far
5570: That not much is really sacred.
5571: %
5572: Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
5573: %
5574: DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!!
5575: UP PERISCOPE!!!
5576:
5577: (Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
5578: %
5579: divorce, n:
5580: A change of wife.
5581: %
5582: Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
5583: %
5584: Do married women make the best wives?
5585: %
5586: Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
5587: step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
5588: -- DeGourmont
5589: %
5590: Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
5591: For though the world stood up
5592: And stopped the bastard,
5593: The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
5594: -- Bertolt Brecht
5595: %
5596: Do something big -- fuck a giant.
5597: %
5598: "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
5599: "Who else?" answered the patient.
5600: %
5601: Do you smoke after sex?
5602: Why, do you know, I've never looked!
5603: %
5604: Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
5605: %
5606: Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very,
5607: very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
5608: -- Dick Brandon
5609: %
5610: Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him?
5611: -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
5612: %
5613: Does it rape elephants?
5614: -- Brent Byer
5615: %
5616: Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
5617: It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
5618: %
5619: Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
5620: are strange as hell.
5621: -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
5622: %
5623: Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
5624: Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
5625: Just sit in the sand
5626: And do it by hand,
5627: And buy bonds with the money you save.
5628: %
5629: Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
5630: %
5631: Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the
5632: idea that I'm knocking the American system.
5633: -- Al Capone
5634: %
5635: Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
5636: -- Woody Allen
5637: %
5638: Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
5639: -- Woody Allen
5640: %
5641: Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
5642: -- Bo Diddley
5643: %
5644: Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
5645: %
5646: Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
5647: %
5648: Dope will get you through times of no money
5649: better than money will get you through times of no dope!
5650: -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
5651: %
5652: Down by the old model T,
5653: Where she first showed it to me.
5654: It was furry and black,
5655: And she called it a crack,
5656: But it looked like a manhole to me.
5657: %
5658: Draft beer, not boys!
5659: %
5660: Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
5661: but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
5662: exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
5663: -- Grace Slick
5664: %
5665: Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
5666: %
5667: Dull women have immaculate homes.
5668: %
5669: DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
5670: Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
5671: And by planned obsolescence,
5672: So controlled detumescence,
5673: A poor man could not get a smell.
5674: %
5675: During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
5676: Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
5677: Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I
5678: read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
5679: that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
5680: said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
5681: well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
5682: the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
5683: misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
5684: say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
5685: nuts.'"
5686: -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
5687: %
5688: dyke, n:
5689: A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own
5690: tampons.
5691: %
5692: Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
5693: %
5694: Dyslexics have more fnu.
5695: %
5696: DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
5697: %
5698: Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
5699: %
5700: Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
5701: %
5702: Eat shit and die a virgin!
5703: %
5704: Economists are still trying to figure out why the
5705: girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
5706: %
5707: EE's do it without shorts.
5708: %
5709: Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
5710: -- Chinese Proverb
5711: %
5712: Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
5713: -- Jackie Mason
5714: %
5715: Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
5716: 1) Cucumbers can stay up all night,
5717: and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
5718: 2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
5719: 3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
5720: ...is married
5721: ...is on penicillin
5722: ...likes you -- but loves your brother!
5723: 4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
5724: 5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
5725: 6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
5726: 7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
5727: 8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
5728: 9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
5729: 10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
5730: 11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
5731: %
5732: embarrassment, n:
5733: Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
5734: %
5735: Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
5736: professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast
5737: as a male schlemiel.
5738: -- Ewald Nyquist
5739: %
5740: Erogenous zone, n:
5741: The skin you touch to love.
5742: %
5743: Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
5744: Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
5745: Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
5746: Ich hore Mann kommen."
5747: "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
5748: %
5749: eternity, n:
5750: The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
5751: %
5752: Ethnologists up with the Sioux
5753: Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
5754: The answer next day,
5755: Said, "Girls on the way,
5756: But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
5757: %
5758: Evangelists do it with Him watching.
5759: %
5760: Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
5761: %
5762: Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
5763: (Tell mate you have to work late.)
5764: %
5765: Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
5766: wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
5767: -- George Carlin
5768: %
5769: Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
5770: Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
5771: %
5772: Every harlot was a virgin once.
5773: -- William Blake
5774: %
5775: Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
5776: closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
5777: like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
5778: and at least a pint of ether.
5779: -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
5780: %
5781: Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
5782: closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
5783: drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
5784: -- Hunter S. Thompson
5785: %
5786: Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
5787: closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
5788: then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
5789: -- Hunter S. Thompson
5790: %
5791: Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
5792: Amen!"
5793: Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?"
5794: Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
5795: Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?"
5796: New-Bruce: "No!"
5797: Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
5798: Rule One!"
5799: Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5800: Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
5801: in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?"
5802: Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5803: Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
5804: drinking. Rule Five..."
5805: Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5806: Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..."
5807: Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
5808: Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This
5809: here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
5810: bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen!
5811: -- Monty Python
5812: %
5813: Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
5814: Except for women.
5815: %
5816: Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
5817: Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
5818: and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
5819: %
5820: Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans
5821: are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
5822: Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
5823: cats.
5824: You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
5825: They're neat.
5826: They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something
5827: about it.
5828: They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon.
5829: They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
5830: What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible.
5831: It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
5832: do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
5833: %
5834: Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
5835: -- Ellyn Mustard
5836: %
5837: exotic dancer, n:
5838: A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
5839: %
5840: Exuberant Sue from Anjou
5841: Found that fucking affected her hue.
5842: She presented to sight
5843: Nipples pink, bottom white;
5844: But her asshole was purple and blue.
5845: %
5846: falsie salesman, n:
5847: Fuller bust man.
5848: %
5849: Famous last words:
5850: 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
5851: 2: You and what army?
5852: 3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
5853: 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
5854: be a cop.
5855: 5: I don't see how they make a profit
5856: out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
5857: 6: We're just getting into semantics again.
5858: 7: Everything's under control.
5859: 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me!
5860: %
5861: Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full
5862: of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
5863: long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
5864: -- James Joyce
5865: %
5866: Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
5867: She was a virgin tried and true
5868: Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
5869: There ain't nothin' she won't do!
5870: Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
5871: Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
5872: Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
5873: That's why caviar is my dish!
5874:
5875: Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
5876: He was a man of ninety-three
5877: Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
5878: He had chased her up a tree!
5879: (chorus)
5880: %
5881: felt tip, v:
5882: Past tense for a breast examination!
5883: %
5884: Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a
5885: flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
5886: -- Rita Rudner
5887: %
5888: female, n:
5889: Life support system for a pussy.
5890: %
5891: Feminism, n:
5892: A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
5893: both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
5894: %
5895: Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
5896: %
5897: Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
5898: women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
5899: handbags are full.
5900: -- Earl Wilson
5901: %
5902: Fie for shame,
5903: you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
5904: libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
5905: %
5906: Fig Newton.
5907: %
5908: Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
5909: %
5910: Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
5911: Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
5912: -- Geoffrey Chaucer
5913: %
5914: Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.
5915:
5916: Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name?
5917: Tarzan: Tarzan first name.
5918: Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
5919: Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes.
5920: Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
5921: Tarzan: That Jane.
5922: Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
5923: Tarzan: Cunt.
5924: %
5925: First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional,
5926: Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional,
5927: Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll
5928: And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original.
5929: Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer,
5930: You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
5931: Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight,
5932: Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate!
5933: Doin' the Vatican Rag.
5934:
5935: So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen,
5936: Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman,
5937: Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria,
5938: And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya,
5939: Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
5940: -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
5941: %
5942: Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
5943: He was born in Palestine
5944: Has anybody seen my Lord?
5945:
5946: He's so cool, he's so fine
5947: Eat his bread and drink his wine
5948: Has anybody seen my Lord?
5949:
5950: He's so neat, he's so cool,
5951: Walks across my swimming pool.
5952: Has anybody...
5953: %
5954: Flappity, floppity, flip
5955: The mouse on the Mobius strip;
5956: The strip revolved,
5957: The mouse dissolved
5958: In a chronodimensional skip.
5959: %
5960: Flirt, n:
5961: A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
5962: %
5963: Floating idly one day through the air,
5964: A circus performer named Blair,
5965: Tied a sizeable rock,
5966: To the end of his cock,
5967: And shattered a balcony chair.
5968: %
5969: Floppy now, hard later.
5970: %
5971: Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself
5972: to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
5973: by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
5974: bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
5975: life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno
5976: gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
5977: and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
5978: Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
5979: a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final
5980: appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
5981: Mr. Joe Gideon!!
5982: -- All That Jazz
5983: %
5984: Fond of equestrians, Mabel
5985: Looked for true love in the stable.
5986: But she found the studs,
5987: For her were all duds,
5988: Now she's out with the leg of a table.
5989: %
5990: For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie.
5991: %
5992: For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy.
5993: %
5994: For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael.
5995: %
5996: For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
5997: Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
5998: He's endowed with a dong
5999: That is 12 inches long,
6000: So he wedges his foot in the door.
6001: %
6002: For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
6003: -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
6004:
6005: When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
6006: -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
6007: %
6008: For children, a woman.
6009: For pleasure, a boy.
6010: For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
6011: %
6012: For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
6013: exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was
6014: raised!
6015: %
6016: For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
6017: sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
6018: simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
6019: alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
6020: one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was
6021: over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
6022: sweetheart?"
6023: He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
6024: cocksucker!"
6025: %
6026: For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
6027: That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
6028: But the one remedy
6029: For contagious V.D.
6030: Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
6031: %
6032: For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
6033: That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
6034: But the one remedy
6035: For contagious V.D.
6036: Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
6037: %
6038: "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
6039: "You have told me my bosom is snowy;
6040: You have made much fine verse on
6041: Each part of my person,
6042: Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
6043: %
6044: fornication, n:
6045: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
6046: %
6047: FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
6048:
6049: Sex:
6050: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
6051: foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
6052:
6053: Maturity:
6054: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
6055: function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
6056: and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
6057: romances rarely work out.
6058:
6059: Handwriting:
6060: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
6061: chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
6062: "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
6063: "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
6064: when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
6065: %
6066: FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18
6067:
6068: Sexual frequency:
6069: The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
6070: morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to
6071: have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
6072:
6073: Shopping:
6074: It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
6075: Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
6076: will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
6077: He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
6078: color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him
6079: half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished
6080: his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to
6081: relax.
6082: %
6083: Fortune Personals:
6084: SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have
6085: own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries
6086: only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
6087: %
6088: Fortune presents:
6089: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
6090:
6091: Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor?
6092: Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me.
6093: Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor.
6094: Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some
6095: contraceptives.
6096: ^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too?
6097: %
6098: Fortune presents:
6099: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
6100: Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels.
6101: Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish
6102: Inkvizicion. Inquisition.
6103: La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two.
6104: Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
6105: ^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket,
6106: vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me?
6107: %
6108: Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
6109:
6110: Try:
6111: [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell)
6112: ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell)
6113: "How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
6114: %blow (C shell)
6115: 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell)
6116: got a light? (C shell)
6117: !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell)
6118: PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell)
6119: make love
6120: make "the perfect dry martini"
6121: man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD)
6122: i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell)
6123: %
6124: FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
6125:
6126: You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
6127: proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
6128: proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
6129: your coffee. You:
6130:
6131: (a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
6132: (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
6133: (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
6134: "In" basket.
6135: (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
6136: %
6137: FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
6138:
6139: You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
6140: tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
6141: live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
6142:
6143: (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
6144: remember your name.
6145: (b) Ask what position she played.
6146: (c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
6147: (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
6148: if he recognizes the label.
6149: %
6150: FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
6151:
6152: You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
6153: your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into
6154: the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
6155: to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
6156: in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
6157: his daughter. Your next move is to:
6158:
6159: (a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
6160: (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy.
6161: (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
6162: daughter and get her number.
6163: (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
6164: %
6165: FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7
6166: You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
6167: and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
6168: there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
6169:
6170: (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
6171: name.
6172: (b) Ask what position she played.
6173: (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if
6174: he recognizes the label.
6175: %
6176: FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
6177:
6178: You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
6179: in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
6180: egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
6181: Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
6182: bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You:
6183:
6184: (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
6185: (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
6186: (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
6187: %
6188: Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
6189: could go either way.
6190: %
6191: Fortune's Guide to Movies:
6192: G: No girl.
6193: PG: The hero gets the girl.
6194: R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
6195: X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
6196: which end it will be.
6197: XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
6198: %
6199: Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
6200:
6201: Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
6202: you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
6203: If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
6204: you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
6205: of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
6206: Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do
6207: you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
6208: rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
6209: not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
6210: Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
6211: "certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
6212: they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you
6213: don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
6214: are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
6215: scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
6216: rational discussion. (See above.)
6217: %
6218: Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
6219:
6220: The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
6221: recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
6222: 30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the
6223: final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
6224: the author of that memo:
6225: 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
6226: 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
6227: cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
6228: are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
6229: 3: something unpleasant.
6230: The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
6231: has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern
6232: electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
6233: of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
6234: the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
6235: a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
6236: %
6237: FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
6238:
6239: Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
6240: %
6241: FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
6242:
6243: Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
6244: %
6245: Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual
6246: Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
6247: shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
6248: one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
6249: us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?"
6250: "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
6251: medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally
6252: decided to have the vagina removed."
6253: The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You
6254: mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
6255: these years?"
6256: %
6257: France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
6258: the toilet paper.
6259: -- Billy Wilder
6260: %
6261: From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
6262: fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The
6263: moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
6264: whispered,
6265: "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
6266: inches?"
6267: There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
6268: "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
6269: in a row!"
6270: %
6271: Fuck art; let's dance!
6272: %
6273: Fuck off and die!
6274: %
6275: Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
6276: %
6277: Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
6278: %
6279: Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
6280: It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
6281: It makes you sick, it makes you well,
6282: It turns your spine to fucking jell,
6283: It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
6284: %
6285: fuck-me-pumps, n:
6286: Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
6287: The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with
6288: heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
6289: them properly.
6290: %
6291: fuckoff, n:
6292: The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
6293: %
6294: Gardeners do it in raised beds.
6295: %
6296: GARTER:
6297: An elastic band intended to keep a woman
6298: from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
6299: %
6300: Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
6301: Donna Rice home.
6302: %
6303: GAY:
6304: One who'd rather swish than fight.
6305: %
6306: GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
6307: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
6308: you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
6309: little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
6310: %
6311: Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
6312: -- Mae West
6313: %
6314: Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
6315: %
6316: George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
6317: find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
6318: leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
6319: bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
6320: foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
6321: another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
6322: at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
6323: %
6324: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
6325: also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
6326: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
6327: %
6328: GEORGIA:
6329: Where kinky sex means getting laid.
6330: %
6331: "Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
6332: "Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
6333: "Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!"
6334: "The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
6335:
6336: "Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
6337: you'd like to go out with me!"
6338:
6339: Oh my god you little Geek!
6340: Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
6341: I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
6342: You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue,
6343: I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
6344: I'm too hot, too hot for you.
6345: Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh!
6346: I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
6347: You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face,
6348: Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race.
6349: I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme,
6350: But you'll only see me in you dreams.
6351: "Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you.
6352: "Well, she didn't say no..."
6353: -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
6354: %
6355: GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
6356: %
6357: Get your bytes from our backend!
6358: -- Britton Lee
6359: %
6360: Getting an education at the University of California
6361: is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
6362: %
6363: Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
6364: Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
6365: But her genital area
6366: Is so vast it'll scareya,
6367: And you venture inside at your peril.
6368: %
6369: Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
6370: Lean closer.
6371: Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
6372: Smile at her *knowingly*.
6373: Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
6374: Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side.
6375: Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
6376: Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two.
6377: Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
6378: Look sincere.
6379:
6380: "Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
6381:
6382: God's gift to women strikes again.
6383: -- J. Feiffer
6384: %
6385: Gimme that old bisexuality,
6386: Gimme that old bisexuality,
6387: Gimme that old bisexuality,
6388: 'Cause it's good enough for me!
6389:
6390: It was good for David Bowie,
6391: It was good for David Bowie,
6392: It was good for David Bowie,
6393: And it's good enough for me!
6394: %
6395: Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
6396: -- Archie Goodwin
6397: %
6398: Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand!
6399: %
6400: Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
6401: that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
6402: certain curvilinear properties.
6403: -- Ashley Montagu
6404: %
6405: Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
6406: yourself!
6407: %
6408: Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is,
6409: however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen
6410: upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
6411: have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
6412: -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
6413: %
6414: Girls who throw themselves at men,
6415: are actually taking very careful aim.
6416: %
6417: Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
6418: %
6419: Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
6420: -- Mae West
6421: %
6422: Give me Librium or give me Meth.
6423: %
6424: Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
6425: %
6426: GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
6427: A girl into choral sex.
6428: %
6429: Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
6430: and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
6431: %
6432: God is a polytheist.
6433: %
6434: God is an atheist.
6435: %
6436: God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
6437: %
6438: God is not dead -- he's been busted.
6439: %
6440: God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
6441: on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
6442: divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No
6443: checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
6444: -- Lazarus Long
6445: %
6446: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
6447: %
6448: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
6449: %
6450: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
6451: %
6452: God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
6453: %
6454: God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
6455: where to go.
6456: "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
6457: "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
6458: "Well, how about Mercury?"
6459: "No, it's too hot there."
6460: "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
6461: "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
6462: there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
6463: still talking about it."
6464: %
6465: God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
6466: Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
6467: will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
6468: in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
6469: for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
6470: over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
6471: turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent
6472: bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
6473: impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
6474: for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
6475: without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
6476: dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
6477: (hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well
6478: that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
6479: expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
6480: %
6481: God's plan had a great beginning,
6482: But man spoiled his chances by sinning
6483: We trust that the story
6484: Will end in God's glory
6485: But at present the other side's winning.
6486: %
6487: God's plan made a hopeful beginning
6488: But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
6489: We trust that the story
6490: Will end in God's glory
6491: But at present, the other side's winning.
6492: %
6493: Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
6494: is fatal to a virgin.
6495: -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
6496: %
6497: Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
6498: Sold in a market down in New Orleans
6499: Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
6500: Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
6501:
6502: Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
6503: Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
6504:
6505: Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
6506: Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
6507: House boy knows that he's doing alright
6508: You should a heard him just around midnight.
6509: ...
6510: I bet your mama was tent show queen
6511: And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
6512: I'm no school boy but I know what I like
6513: You should have heard me just around midnight.
6514: -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
6515: %
6516: Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
6517: "fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
6518: It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
6519: Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
6520: unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
6521: the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this
6522: simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
6523: Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
6524: able to get loose.
6525: -- The Joy of Sex
6526: %
6527: Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
6528: %
6529: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
6530: Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently...
6531:
6532: Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
6533: isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
6534:
6535: It's swell to have a Stiffy,
6536: it's divine to have a Dick,
6537: from the tinyest little Tadger,
6538: to the world's greatest Prick.
6539:
6540: So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
6541: Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
6542:
6543: Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
6544: your Porky or your Cock,
6545: you can wrap it up in ribbons,
6546: you can stick it in your sock!
6547:
6548: But, don't take it out in public,
6549: or they will stick you in the dock,
6550: and you won't come back.
6551: -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python
6552: %
6553: good scout, n:
6554: Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
6555: %
6556: Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his
6557: window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so*
6558: good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
6559: voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and
6560: the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but
6561: great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
6562: Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
6563: bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply,
6564: "Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
6565: Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
6566: day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
6567: Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he
6568: dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window,
6569: Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
6570: you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
6571: asshole! I'm in the West now!"
6572: %
6573: Grain grows best in shit.
6574: -- U.K. LeGuin
6575: %
6576: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
6577: %
6578: Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
6579: %
6580: great lover, n:
6581: A man who can breathe through his ears.
6582: %
6583: GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917
6584:
6585: On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
6586: Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought
6587: them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
6588: I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from
6589: his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
6590: in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
6591: men stood lookout.
6592: %
6593: Gross, adj.:
6594: When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
6595: %
6596: Gross, adj.:
6597: When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
6598: slips you some tongue.
6599: %
6600: Gynecologist, n:
6601: Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
6602: %
6603: HACKER:
6604: A master byter.
6605: %
6606: Hackers do it bottom-up.
6607: %
6608: Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
6609: %
6610: Hackers do it with bugs.
6611: %
6612: Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
6613: %
6614: Hackers have kernel knowledge.
6615: %
6616: Hackers know all the right MOVs.
6617: %
6618: Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
6619: are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
6620: is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
6621: -- From alt.sex
6622: %
6623: Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema?
6624: %
6625: Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
6626: Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
6627: Babies' diapers. --
6628: Bottom wipers. --
6629: Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
6630: %
6631: Handy hint:
6632: A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
6633: when you're out of tampons.
6634: %
6635: Hang gliders come down very slowly.
6636: %
6637: Hangover, n:
6638: The burden of proof.
6639: %
6640: HAPPINESS:
6641: Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
6642: %
6643: Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
6644: mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference
6645: between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
6646: or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses
6647: his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
6648: Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
6649: -- Tom Robbins
6650: %
6651: Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
6652: 22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The
6653: determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
6654: program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
6655: lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the
6656: rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
6657: On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
6658: by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How
6659: could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
6660: "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
6661: recognize you."
6662: %
6663: Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
6664: when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
6665: boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
6666: off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
6667: that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
6668: he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
6669: a stretcher.
6670: "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
6671: Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
6672: enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
6673: "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good,
6674: feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?"
6675: Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
6676: "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either."
6677: Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!"
6678: %
6679: Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
6680: America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
6681: difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we
6682: got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
6683: by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
6684: but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our
6685: attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
6686: General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
6687: up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
6688: thought of this...
6689: %
6690: Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
6691: President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got
6692: my period."
6693: -- Steven Moore
6694: %
6695: Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or
6696: uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But
6697: if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
6698: laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God
6699: other parts of our bodies are dumber.
6700: %
6701: Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I
6702: mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
6703: water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
6704: is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
6705: don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a
6706: damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
6707: Shirley" week after week.
6708: -- Dave Barry
6709: %
6710: Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
6711: Who came to Rumania's rescue?
6712: It's a wonderful thing
6713: To be under a king--
6714: Is democracy better, I esk you?
6715: %
6716: Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
6717: Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
6718: Some people say,
6719: Love finds a way,
6720: But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
6721: %
6722: Have you heard of the lady named Cox
6723: Who had a capacious old box?
6724: When her lover was in place
6725: She said, "Please turn your face.
6726: I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
6727: %
6728: Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
6729: And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
6730: How they lift the frock
6731: And tickle the cock
6732: Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
6733: %
6734: Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
6735: Like some bright erotic star,
6736: He lights up the proceedings,
6737: And raises the temperature.
6738: -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
6739: %
6740: Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
6741: for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
6742: attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
6743: as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
6744: Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
6745: finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
6746: -- R.E. Masters
6747: %
6748: Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
6749: satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical
6750: powers.
6751: After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
6752: Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating
6753: the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will
6754: work only three times. Make use of them wisely."
6755: As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep,"
6756: he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
6757: "Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away.
6758: He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
6759: The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
6760: "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted.
6761: Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
6762: and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
6763: "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
6764: "Beep-beep!"
6765: "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
6766: "What's all this beep-beep shit?"
6767: %
6768: Having made a remark rather coarse,
6769: A young lady was seized with remorse;
6770: She fled from the room,
6771: And later, a groom
6772: Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
6773: -- Edward Gorey
6774: %
6775: He: Am I... am I your first?
6776: She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
6777: %
6778: He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
6779: She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
6780: %
6781: He: So, what do you say to little fuck?
6782: She: I say, "get lost, little fuck."
6783: %
6784: He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
6785: But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
6786: -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
6787: %
6788: He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
6789: muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
6790: But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
6791: a pocket camera?
6792: -- An Exciting Journey
6793: %
6794: He dove down overweighted with lead.
6795: Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
6796: He flapped and he flailed,
6797: Spit his hose and he wailed,
6798: Swallowed water and found himself dead.
6799: %
6800: He drank with curvy Mable,
6801: The pace was fast and furious,
6802: He slid beneath the table,
6803: Not drunk but merely curious.
6804: %
6805: He grabbed me by my slender neck,
6806: I could not call or scream.
6807: He dragged me to his tiny room,
6808: Where we could not be seen.
6809: He tore away my filmy wrap,
6810: And gazed upon my form.
6811: I so cold and frightened,
6812: While he so strong and warm.
6813: He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
6814: I gave him every drop.
6815: He drained me of my very self,
6816: I could not make him stop!
6817: And that is why you see me here,
6818: An empty, broken bottle of beer...
6819: %
6820: He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
6821: So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
6822: unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
6823: do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey
6824: hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
6825: "We've got her here, but only for the day."
6826: The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
6827: into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
6828: cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
6829: but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided
6830: that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
6831: asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
6832: "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
6833: of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching
6834: a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
6835: "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really
6836: great!"
6837: The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here
6838: a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
6839: %
6840: He hated to mend, so young Ned
6841: Called in a cute neighbor instead.
6842: Her husband said, "Vi,
6843: When you stitched up his torn fly,
6844: Did you have to bite off the thread?"
6845: %
6846: He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
6847: Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
6848: Then his gargantuan pole in
6849: Her pink, tight, and swollen
6850: Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
6851: %
6852: He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
6853: %
6854: He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
6855: %
6856: He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
6857: scared it'd get serious.
6858: %
6859: He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
6860: %
6861: He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth
6862: and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
6863: -- Fred Allen
6864: %
6865: He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
6866: Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
6867: It's the only job he's qualified for!
6868: -- Michael Cain
6869: %
6870: He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
6871: %
6872: He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
6873: pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
6874: %
6875: He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
6876: %
6877: He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
6878: sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
6879: -- Howard Kandel
6880: %
6881: Hear about...
6882: one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
6883: have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
6884: %
6885: Hear about...
6886: the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
6887: Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
6888: %
6889: Hear about...
6890: the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
6891: the bed?
6892: %
6893: Hear about...
6894: the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
6895: started chiseling on his wife?
6896: %
6897: Hear about...
6898: the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
6899: his whatchamacalit?
6900: %
6901: Hear about...
6902: the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
6903: demanded a salary on next week's advance?
6904: %
6905: Hear about...
6906: the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
6907: Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
6908: %
6909: Hear about...
6910: the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
6911: go up on him?
6912: %
6913: Hear about...
6914: the careless canary that did it for a lark?
6915: %
6916: Hear about...
6917: the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
6918: %
6919: Hear about...
6920: the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
6921: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
6922: which end it will be.
6923: %
6924: Hear about...
6925: the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
6926: a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
6927: %
6928: Hear about...
6929: the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
6930: %
6931: Hear about...
6932: the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
6933: wrong foot?
6934: %
6935: Hear about...
6936: the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia? His patients didn't
6937: get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
6938: %
6939: Hear about...
6940: the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
6941: everybody in the joint?
6942: %
6943: Hear about...
6944: the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
6945: asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
6946: %
6947: Hear about...
6948: the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
6949: next morning found she was six months pregnant?
6950: %
6951: Hear about...
6952: the farmer who couldn't keep his
6953: hands off his wife so he fired them?
6954: %
6955: Hear about...
6956: the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
6957: fired them?
6958: %
6959: Hear about...
6960: The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
6961: her between the limbs?
6962: %
6963: Hear about...
6964: the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
6965: %
6966: Hear about...
6967: the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
6968: accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.
6969: %
6970: Hear about...
6971: the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
6972: %
6973: Hear about...
6974: the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
6975: %
6976: Hear about...
6977: the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
6978: delinquency of a major?
6979: %
6980: Hear about...
6981: the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
6982: to the front?
6983: %
6984: Hear about...
6985: the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
6986: education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
6987: %
6988: Hear about...
6989: the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
6990: then his wife didn't leave town?
6991: %
6992: Hear about...
6993: the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
6994: marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
6995: %
6996: Hear about...
6997: the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
6998: sailors?
6999: %
7000: Hear about...
7001: the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
7002: so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
7003: %
7004: Hear about...
7005: the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
7006: such a sweet liquor?
7007: %
7008: Hear about...
7009: the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
7010: off?
7011: %
7012: Hear about...
7013: the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
7014: %
7015: Hear about...
7016: the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost
7017: his ball bearings.
7018: %
7019: Hear about...
7020: the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
7021: lost his ball bearings?
7022: %
7023: Hear about...
7024: the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
7025: Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
7026: %
7027: Hear about...
7028: the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
7029: he'd never be able to face his girl again?
7030: %
7031: Hear about...
7032: the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
7033: %
7034: Hear about...
7035: the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
7036: %
7037: Hear about...
7038: the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
7039: assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
7040: %
7041: Hear about...
7042: the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
7043: so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
7044: %
7045: Hear about...
7046: the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
7047: %
7048: Hear about...
7049: the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
7050: a lot more than letters behind the files?
7051: %
7052: Hear about...
7053: the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
7054: with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
7055: %
7056: Hear about...
7057: the little boy that found a fifty cent
7058: piece, so he went home for some money?
7059: %
7060: Hear about...
7061: the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
7062: for some money?
7063: %
7064: Hear about...
7065: the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on
7066: Palm Sunday, of course.
7067: %
7068: Hear about...
7069: the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
7070: York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
7071: %
7072: Hear about...
7073: the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
7074: he'd never be able to face his girl again?
7075: %
7076: Hear about...
7077: the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
7078: that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
7079: %
7080: Hear about...
7081: the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk
7082: and they eat each other.
7083: %
7084: Hear about...
7085: the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap,
7086: crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
7087: %
7088: Hear about...
7089: the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
7090: Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard.
7091: %
7092: Hear about...
7093: the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
7094: single bars -- BANG AMERICARD?
7095: %
7096: Hear about...
7097: the new rule at the girls' school?
7098: Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
7099: %
7100: Hear about...
7101: the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
7102: it makes men cocky and women lay better?
7103: %
7104: Hear about...
7105: the nurse they thought had drowned
7106: until they found her under the doc?
7107: %
7108: Hear about...
7109: the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
7110: %
7111: Hear about...
7112: the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
7113: %
7114: Hear about...
7115: the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
7116: %
7117: Hear about...
7118: the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
7119: a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
7120: %
7121: Hear about...
7122: the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
7123: without getting any mail in her box?
7124: %
7125: Hear about...
7126: the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
7127: men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
7128: %
7129: Hear about...
7130: the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
7131: someone would grab his seat?
7132: %
7133: Hear about...
7134: the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
7135: %
7136: Hear about...
7137: the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
7138: %
7139: Hear about...
7140: the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
7141: %
7142: Hear about...
7143: the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
7144: wide receiver?
7145: %
7146: Hear about...
7147: the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
7148: off the sofa?
7149: %
7150: Hear about...
7151: the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have
7152: to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
7153: %
7154: Hear about...
7155: the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
7156: feel like a new man?
7157: %
7158: Hear about...
7159: the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a
7160: new man?
7161: %
7162: Hear about...
7163: the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
7164: By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
7165: %
7166: Hear about...
7167: the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
7168: Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
7169: she's a wonderful mount?
7170: %
7171: Hear about the...
7172: guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
7173: if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
7174: %
7175: Hear that...
7176: bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
7177: Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
7178: %
7179: Hear that...
7180: the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
7181: in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
7182: in good standing?
7183: %
7184: Hear that...
7185: the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
7186: collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
7187: %
7188: Hear that...
7189: the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
7190: "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
7191: %
7192: Hear that...
7193: there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
7194: tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
7195: %
7196: Hear that...
7197: those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
7198: version -- with nuts of course?
7199: %
7200: Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
7201: Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
7202: %
7203: He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
7204: They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
7205: So he put Spanish fly
7206: In their pudding and pie
7207: And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
7208: %
7209: Heisenberg may have done it.
7210: %
7211: "Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
7212: "I won't suck his filthy old prick!
7213: It's not that I funk
7214: At a mouthful of spunk,
7215: But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
7216: %
7217: "Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..."
7218: -- Zippy the Pinhead
7219: %
7220: Hello, children!!
7221: This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
7222: Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
7223: and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
7224:
7225: One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
7226: tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
7227: grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
7228: hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
7229:
7230: Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
7231: He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
7232: pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
7233: of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
7234:
7235: Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
7236: oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
7237: glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
7238: and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
7239: the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
7240: %
7241: Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
7242: -- Bisexuality, 101
7243: %
7244: Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.)
7245: %
7246: HENPECKED HUSBAND:
7247: One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
7248: %
7249: Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
7250: Could rotate his pecker, and then
7251: He would shoot through his rear
7252: Which made him dear
7253: Of the girls, and the envy of men.
7254: %
7255: Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
7256: Had morals the city might soften.
7257: So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
7258: Are you living in sin?"
7259: Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
7260: %
7261: Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
7262: %
7263: Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
7264: Just gave birth to another Texan.
7265: %
7266: Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
7267: of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
7268: the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
7269: when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
7270: suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
7271: over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until
7272: one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
7273: an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
7274: stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
7275: illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
7276: court was going to take a nap.
7277: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
7278: %
7279: Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
7280: The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
7281: He spent his life in a futile hunt,
7282: To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
7283: And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
7284: 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
7285: %
7286: Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
7287: She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
7288: She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
7289: She has the box the cherry came in.
7290: %
7291: Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
7292: She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
7293: She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
7294: She makes things stand that have no feet.
7295: %
7296: Here's to the girl that's sweet,
7297: Here's to the girl that's true,
7298: Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
7299:
7300: In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
7301: the rest of the night?
7302: %
7303: Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
7304: she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
7305: she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
7306: can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
7307: %
7308: Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
7309: into her hands.
7310: -- Ambrose Bierce
7311: %
7312: HERMIT:
7313: A man who'd rather get off by himself.
7314: %
7315: HERPES:
7316: The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
7317: Much better.
7318: %
7319: He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
7320: -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
7321: %
7322: He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
7323: read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
7324: %
7325: He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
7326: he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
7327: %
7328: Hey baby!
7329: How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
7330: %
7331: HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
7332: A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
7333: become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just
7334: like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
7335: They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents
7336: today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the
7337: male or female edition.
7338: %
7339: HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
7340: Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right!
7341: Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
7342: for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
7343: %
7344: HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
7345: Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
7346: oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today!
7347: %
7348: Hickory Dickory Dock,
7349: Three mice ran up a clock!
7350: The clock struck one,
7351: Right in the balls!
7352:
7353: There was an old woman,
7354: Who lived in a shoe,
7355: Who had so many children,
7356: Her uterus fell right out.
7357: %
7358: Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational
7359: Yale University Extracurricular
7360: Gave up misogyny Heterosexual
7361: Opened its door. Fun is in store.
7362: %
7363: Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
7364: %
7365: His shy bride admitted to Crandall
7366: That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
7367: But a cock like his dick
7368: Gave her ten times the kick,
7369: Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
7370: %
7371: Home is where the hurt is.
7372: -- Strange de Jim
7373: %
7374: Honest, officer, had I known my health was
7375: in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
7376: %
7377: HONOR:
7378: Almost as good as in 'er.
7379: %
7380: horny, adj:
7381: When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
7382: %
7383: Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done.
7384: Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another
7385: weak sister to be shored up.
7386: -- J.R. Ewing
7387: %
7388: HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
7389: Vol. I -- Etiquette
7390:
7391: 1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
7392: scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
7393: 2. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not.
7394: 3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
7395: it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
7396: seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
7397: 4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else.
7398: 5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
7399: toy submarine.
7400: %
7401: How can you say that the world isn't
7402: Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
7403: %
7404: How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
7405: %
7406: How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
7407: government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
7408: gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle.
7409: We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
7410: %
7411: How should they answer?
7412: -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
7413: "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
7414: %
7415: How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
7416: Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
7417: %
7418: HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
7419: Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
7420: Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and
7421: be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
7422: the keys.
7423: %
7424: Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
7425: -- John Valby
7426: %
7427: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
7428: %
7429: Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
7430: bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
7431: %
7432: Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
7433: %
7434: hypocrite, n:
7435: A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
7436: %
7437: I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
7438: country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
7439: -- Steve Martin
7440: %
7441: I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
7442: You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's
7443: going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
7444: you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
7445: a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
7446: -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
7447: %
7448: I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
7449: perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
7450: too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
7451: the one immortal blemish of mankind.
7452: -- Fredrich Nietzsche
7453: %
7454: I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
7455: I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll
7456: just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
7457: about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
7458: hand on the nuclear button."
7459: -- Richard Nixon
7460: %
7461: I came; I saw; I fucked up.
7462: %
7463: I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
7464: dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
7465: and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
7466: -- Betty MacDonald
7467: %
7468: I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the
7469: afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair.
7470: -- Gore Vidal
7471: %
7472: I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
7473: -- Peter Knight
7474: %
7475: I choked Linda Lovelace.
7476: %
7477: I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
7478: but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
7479: and wallowing in its odor.
7480: -- Salvador Dali
7481: %
7482: I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
7483: here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
7484: rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
7485: 5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after
7486: absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
7487: -- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
7488: Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
7489: & left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I
7490: began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
7491: Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
7492: they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
7493: Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
7494: Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
7495: week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
7496: Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
7497: -- William Cobbett, British journalist
7498: %
7499: I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
7500: Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
7501: I replied, "Simple shagging
7502: Without any wagging
7503: Is only for screwing canoeing."
7504: %
7505: "I do love a lay every day,
7506: So whenever you're coming this way
7507: Just phone in advance
7508: And I'll jerk off my pants,
7509: And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
7510: %
7511: I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof.
7512: %
7513: I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
7514: -- Bisexuality, 101
7515:
7516: [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.]
7517: %
7518: I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
7519: -- W.C. Fields
7520: %
7521: I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let
7522: them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
7523: the plan.
7524: -- Richard Nixon
7525: %
7526: I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
7527: money and all the pussy.
7528: -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
7529: %
7530: I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
7531: -- The Undergraduate
7532: %
7533: I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
7534: I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
7535: If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
7536: Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
7537: My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
7538: Breaking My Heart
7539: Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
7540: Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
7541: When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
7542: With You Is the Pits
7543: I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
7544: -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
7545: %
7546: "I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
7547: marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
7548: %
7549: I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
7550: one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
7551: %
7552: I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
7553: It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
7554: -- P.J. O'Rourke
7555: %
7556: I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
7557: just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
7558: I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?"
7559: And she replied, "A Stetson."
7560: %
7561: "I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
7562: sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
7563: cows came home."
7564: %
7565: I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
7566: Italians -- they're so Jewish.
7567: -- Kay Ballard
7568: %
7569: I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
7570: boy, were they mad!
7571: -- Stephen Wright
7572: %
7573: I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve
7574: years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
7575: "Made in Taiwan".
7576: -- The Stunt Man
7577: %
7578: I have a funny daddy
7579: Who goes in and out with me
7580: And everything that baby does
7581: Daddy's sure to see,
7582: And everything that baby says,
7583: My daddy's sure to tell.
7584: You must have read my daddy's verse.
7585: I hope he fries in Hell.
7586: -- Ogden Nash
7587: %
7588: "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
7589: the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
7590: the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
7591: it was enough to make a blown man cry."
7592: %
7593: I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
7594: -- Will Rogers
7595: %
7596: I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us
7597: take our fill of love until the morning.
7598: -- Proverbs 7:17-18
7599: %
7600: I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
7601: but when I tried it I kept falling off.
7602: %
7603: I knew Leo G. Carrol
7604: Was over a barrel
7605: When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"]
7606: And I really got hot
7607: When I saw Jeanette Scott
7608: Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
7609:
7610: Science fiction, double feature
7611: Doctor X will build a creature.
7612: See androids fighting Brad and Janet
7613: Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
7614: Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
7615: At the late night, double feature, picture show.
7616: -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
7617: %
7618: I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
7619: Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
7620: He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
7621: Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
7622:
7623: I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
7624: Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
7625: She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
7626: Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
7627:
7628: I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
7629: Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
7630: She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
7631: Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
7632: -- Doctor Dirty
7633: %
7634: I know of a fortunate Hindu
7635: Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
7636: By the ladies he knows,
7637: Who are thrilled to the toes
7638: By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
7639: %
7640: I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
7641: Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
7642: -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
7643: %
7644: I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
7645: an Englishman in the dark.
7646: -- Duncan Spaeth
7647: %
7648: I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
7649: %
7650: I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
7651: is to bring a New Yorker home first.
7652: %
7653: I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
7654: %
7655: I met a young man in Chungking
7656: Who had a very long thing --
7657: But you'll guess my surprise
7658: When I found that its size
7659: Just measured a third-finger ring!
7660: %
7661: I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
7662: into my neighborhood after dark.
7663: -- Dick Gregory
7664: %
7665: I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought
7666: it was hell.
7667: -- Harry S. Truman
7668: %
7669: I never had Miss Defauw,
7670: But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
7671: If she'd only said "No"
7672: When I wanted her so;
7673: But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
7674: %
7675: I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
7676: %
7677: I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
7678: -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
7679: %
7680: I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
7681: -- Lyndon Johnson
7682: %
7683: I once had the wife of a Dean
7684: Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
7685: She remarked with some gaiety,
7686: "Not bad for the laiety,
7687: Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
7688: %
7689: I once met a lassie named Ruth
7690: In a long distance telephone booth.
7691: Now I know the perfection
7692: Of an ideal connection
7693: Even if somewhat uncouth.
7694: %
7695: I once was annoyed by a queer
7696: Who made his intentions quite clear.
7697: Said I, "I'm no prude,
7698: So don't think me rude,
7699: But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
7700: %
7701: I only date queers.
7702: -- Bisexuality, 101
7703:
7704: [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.]
7705: %
7706: I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless
7707: bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
7708: as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
7709: -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
7710: %
7711: I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
7712: intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
7713: -- J. Edgar Hoover
7714: %
7715: I shot a query into the net.
7716: I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten
7717: But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
7718: And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please
7719: Don't send such drivel overseas;
7720: A lawyer sent me private mail
7721: And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax:
7722: I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
7723: And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile
7724: And criticized my writing style.
7725: Each day I scan each Subject line
7726: In hopes the topic will be mine;
7727: I shot a query into the net.
7728: I haven't got an answer yet...
7729: -- Ed Nather
7730: %
7731: I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
7732: with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
7733: -- Barry Goldwater
7734:
7735: I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
7736: -- Barry Goldwater
7737: %
7738: I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
7739: -- Barry Goldwater
7740: %
7741: I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
7742: -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
7743: suggestion that all good Christians should be against
7744: Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
7745: %
7746: I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
7747: than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
7748: -- Frank Zappa
7749: %
7750: I think the Mormon prophet
7751: Was a very funny man.
7752: I wonder how his wives enjoyed
7753: His Prophet Sharing Plan.
7754: %
7755: I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
7756: -- Strange de Jim
7757: %
7758: I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we
7759: had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
7760: dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
7761: from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
7762: Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
7763: with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
7764: them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
7765: an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
7766: of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
7767: to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
7768: What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
7769: Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
7770: the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
7771: of an Untenured Professor?
7772: -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
7773: %
7774: I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
7775: -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
7776: %
7777: I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
7778: -- Dudley Moore
7779: %
7780: I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
7781: %
7782: I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
7783: I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
7784: -- Firesign Theatre
7785: %
7786: I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
7787: %
7788: I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
7789: by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
7790: about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
7791: "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my
7792: two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!"
7793: As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that
7794: dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!"
7795: As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
7796: that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they
7797: call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!"
7798: %
7799: "I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
7800: grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up
7801: and stuck it in my back."
7802: "What did you do?"
7803: "What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
7804: %
7805: I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
7806: a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one
7807: of them had V.D.
7808: -- Rodney Dangerfield
7809: %
7810: I wish I was a fascinating lady
7811: With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
7812: I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
7813: I'd live in a house with a little red light
7814: And once a month I'd take a small vacation
7815: And leave all the men to their imagination
7816: And once in a while I'd go all wild
7817: And have myself an illegitimate child
7818: I wish I were a fascinating lady
7819: Instead I'm the minister's child
7820: %
7821: I wish that my room had a floor;
7822: I don't so much care for a door,
7823: But this walking around
7824: Without touching the ground
7825: Is getting to be quite a bore!
7826: -- Gelett Burgess
7827: %
7828: I wish that my room had a floor;
7829: I don't so much care for a door,
7830: But this walking around
7831: Without touching the ground
7832: Is getting to be quite a bore!
7833: -- Gelett Burgess
7834: %
7835: I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
7836: Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
7837: I wonder can she tell
7838: That I've been raising hell;
7839: Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
7840:
7841: My wife is just as nice as can be,
7842: I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
7843: For an afternoon of joy,
7844: Is hell on the old boy,
7845: I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
7846: %
7847: I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
7848: I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
7849: She said it was crude
7850: To be wooed in the nude--
7851: I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
7852: %
7853: I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
7854: I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
7855: And in all my lewd life
7856: I've met none like your wife,
7857: So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
7858: %
7859: I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
7860: %
7861: I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
7862: having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
7863: -- R. Geis
7864: %
7865: I'd like to give the world a hug
7866: And tell it jokes and stuff
7867: And pull its pants down to its knees
7868: And chase it through the rough
7869:
7870: Then tie it up with bonds and straps
7871: And search its purse for change
7872: Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
7873: With our cousin who's deranged ...
7874: -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
7875: %
7876: I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
7877: %
7878: "I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young
7879: man as its logo."
7880: -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
7881: %
7882: I'd rather have fingers than toes,
7883: I'd rather have ears than a nose,
7884: And a happy erection
7885: Brought just to perfection
7886: Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
7887: %
7888: I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
7889: %
7890: If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
7891: does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
7892: %
7893: If continence causes neurosis
7894: And intercourse causes thrombosis
7895: I'd rather expire
7896: Fulfilling desire
7897: Than live in a state of psychosis.
7898: %
7899: If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
7900: %
7901: If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
7902: He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
7903: %
7904: If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
7905: %
7906: If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
7907: -- Malcolm Bradbury
7908: %
7909: If God had wanted people to give blow
7910: jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
7911: %
7912: If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
7913: would He have made it look like a taco?
7914: %
7915: If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
7916: %
7917: If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
7918: -- George Carlin
7919: %
7920: If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
7921: In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
7922: If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
7923: I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
7924: If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
7925: Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
7926: I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
7927: I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
7928:
7929: I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
7930: I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
7931: I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
7932: I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
7933: If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
7934: Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
7935: I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
7936: Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
7937: [Chorus]
7938: A penis to plunder, a penis to push
7939: 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
7940: A penis to love me, a penis to share,
7941: To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
7942: -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
7943: %
7944: If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
7945: -- Tommy Earl Bruner
7946: %
7947: If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
7948: -- Rodney Dangerfield
7949: %
7950: If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
7951: %
7952: If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
7953: carpenter.
7954: -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
7955: %
7956: If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
7957: to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
7958: the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty*
7959: pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
7960: lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets
7961: lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
7962: think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
7963: Net Mail ...
7964: -- Casey Leedom
7965: %
7966: If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
7967: %
7968: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
7969: %
7970: If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
7971: %
7972: If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
7973: masturbate.
7974: -- Diogenes the Cynic
7975: %
7976: If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
7977: -- Mel Brooks
7978: %
7979: If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
7980: %
7981: If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
7982: suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is
7983: only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
7984: in 1966, only two went back to women.
7985: -- Mort Sahl
7986: %
7987: If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
7988: If they can, then fuck 'em.
7989: %
7990: If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
7991: If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
7992: %
7993: If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
7994: %
7995: If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
7996: %
7997: If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
7998: %
7999: If you find for your verse there's no call,
8000: And you can't afford paper at all,
8001: For the true poet born,
8002: However forlorn,
8003: There is always the lavat'ry wall.
8004: %
8005: If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
8006: -- Lenny Bruce
8007: %
8008: If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
8009: %
8010: If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
8011: Employ first-order predicate calculus.
8012: With sufficient formality,
8013: The sheerest banality,
8014: Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
8015: %
8016: If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
8017: abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
8018: %
8019: If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
8020: town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're
8021: screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
8022: ... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
8023: night.
8024: -- Lenny Bruce
8025: %
8026: If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
8027: in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
8028: friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
8029: like one or the other of you planned.
8030: %
8031: If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
8032: when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
8033: %
8034: If you're speaking of actions immoral
8035: The how about giving the laurel
8036: To doughty Queen Esther,
8037: No three men could best her --
8038: One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
8039: %
8040: Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
8041: D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
8042: Il la mene chaque soir
8043: A son caveau noir
8044: Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
8045: -- Edward Gorey
8046: %
8047: Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
8048: Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
8049: Il dit:"quant a' moi,
8050: Je deteste tous les trois,
8051: Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
8052: %
8053: Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
8054: Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
8055: Dit-elle, "Arretez!
8056: J'entends quelqu'un venait."
8057: Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
8058: %
8059: Il y avait une madame de Lahore
8060: Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
8061: Mais la vagine tres forte,
8062: Toujours ouverte la porte,
8063: Encore, et encore, et encore.
8064: %
8065: "I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
8066: doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month.
8067: "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went
8068: out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
8069: always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat
8070: down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the
8071: side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
8072: aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll
8073: tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
8074: gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
8075: %
8076: I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
8077: -- Rodney Dangerfield
8078: %
8079: I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
8080: -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
8081: %
8082: I'm a lover not a dancer!
8083: I'm a lover not a dancer!
8084: Don't want to be on my feet,
8085: When I can be on my back,
8086: Don't want to be on the floor,
8087: When I can be in the sack!
8088: I'm a lover not a dancer!
8089: I'm a lover not a dancer!
8090: I'm just a little bit tired
8091: If you know what I mean,
8092: Don't want to be in a crowd
8093: When I can be in a dream!
8094: I'm a lover not a dancer!
8095: Baby!
8096: And, baby, let me prove it to you,
8097: Baby, let me prove it to you!
8098: -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
8099: %
8100: I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
8101: -- Martin Cruz Smith
8102: %
8103: I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
8104: -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
8105: in the shade.
8106:
8107: Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
8108: dropped.
8109: -- Franklyn Ajaye
8110: %
8111: I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
8112: it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
8113: government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
8114: -- Groucho Marx
8115: %
8116: I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's
8117: goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps
8118: -- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are
8119: goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
8120: Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are
8121: very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is
8122: very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
8123: -- Lenny Bruce
8124: %
8125: I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
8126: -- J.F. Kennedy
8127: %
8128: I'm not a pheasant plucker,
8129: I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
8130: I'm just a'plucking pheasants
8131: 'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
8132: -- The Irish Rovers
8133: %
8134: "I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway."
8135: -- NPR
8136: %
8137: I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
8138: -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
8139: %
8140: I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
8141: -- Song title by Stephen Bishop.
8142:
8143: She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
8144: -- Song title by Jerry Reed.
8145:
8146: When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
8147: -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.
8148:
8149: I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
8150: -- Unattributed song title.
8151:
8152: Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
8153: -- Unattributed song title.
8154: %
8155: I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my
8156: girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd
8157: like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
8158: -- Sam Kinison
8159: %
8160: I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
8161:
8162: Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
8163: I'm getting WARM....
8164:
8165: I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
8166: ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
8167:
8168: Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
8169: couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
8170: %
8171: Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
8172: Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
8173: David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
8174: And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
8175: There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
8176: Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
8177:
8178: John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
8179: On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
8180: Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
8181: Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
8182: Hobbes was fond of his dram,
8183: And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
8184: Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
8185: A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
8186: -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
8187: %
8188: impotent loser, n:
8189: Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
8190: %
8191: In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
8192: what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
8193: Finally they decide:
8194: "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us
8195: bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
8196: Finally a telegram comes back:
8197: "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
8198: %
8199: In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
8200: chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
8201: principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
8202: sucked into it.
8203: %
8204: In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
8205: Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
8206: His wife said, "Oh, stuff
8207: That philosophy guff
8208: Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
8209: %
8210: In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
8211: Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
8212: with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
8213: Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
8214: soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
8215: -- Firesign Theatre
8216: %
8217: In days of old, when knights were bold,
8218: And rubbers weren't invented,
8219: They tied their socks around their cocks
8220: And babies were prevented.
8221: %
8222: In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
8223: Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
8224: But this lubricant lapse
8225: Isn't noticed, perhaps
8226: Because nobody does in Duluth.
8227: %
8228: In France they piss on Main Street
8229: (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
8230: -- Joni Mitchell
8231: %
8232: In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
8233: its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold.
8234: %
8235: In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
8236: Was the first time I ever laid down,
8237: I was both proud and shy
8238: As he opened his fly
8239: And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
8240:
8241: Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
8242: As it went in I made not a sound,
8243: The more that he shoved it
8244: The more that I loved it,
8245: As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
8246: %
8247: In my sweet little night gown of blue,
8248: On the first night that I slept with you,
8249: I was both shy and scared
8250: As the bed was prepared,
8251: And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
8252:
8253: As we both watched the break of day,
8254: And in peaceful submission I lay,
8255: You said you adored it
8256: But dammit, you tore it,
8257: My sweet little night gown of blue.
8258: %
8259: In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
8260: %
8261: In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
8262: he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
8263: has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated
8264: that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
8265: ago."
8266: -- Dennis Miller, SNL News
8267: %
8268: In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form.
8269: And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto
8270: their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
8271:
8272: And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
8273: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
8274: Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
8275: "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
8276: may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
8277: spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
8278: of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
8279:
8280: And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
8281: Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
8282: very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
8283: Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
8284: growth of the Laboratories."
8285:
8286: And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
8287: %
8288: In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
8289: beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
8290: evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all
8291: evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning
8292: the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her
8293: bed watching him. Finally, she said softly,
8294: "Didn't you forget something?"
8295: "What did I forget?" asked the officer.
8296: "You forgot about the money," said the lady.
8297: "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
8298: "A Polish officer never accepts money."
8299: %
8300: In the shade of the old apple tree
8301: Where between her fat legs I could see
8302: A little brown spot
8303: With the hair in a knot,
8304: And it certainly looked good to me.
8305:
8306: I asked as I tickled her tit
8307: If she thought that my big thing would fit.
8308: She said it would do
8309: So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree
8310: In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me.
8311: In the soft dewy grass
8312: I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass
8313: As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see.
8314: Her ass it was fine
8315: But you should have seen mine
8316: In the shade of the old apple tree.
8317: %
8318: In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
8319: kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
8320: kissing him on the balls.
8321: -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
8322: %
8323: Incest, n:
8324: Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
8325: %
8326: Infatuation, n:
8327: When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
8328: When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
8329: %
8330: Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
8331: is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
8332: %
8333: ====================
8334: Inter-Dwarf Memo
8335: To: Dwarf-list
8336: From: Doc
8337: Re: S. White
8338:
8339: If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
8340: her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah,
8341: surprises.
8342: %
8343: ====================
8344: Inter-Dwarf Memo
8345: To: Dwarf-list
8346: From: Happy
8347: Re: S. White
8348:
8349: Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
8350: more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day.
8351: %
8352: Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since
8353: the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
8354: cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
8355: a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
8356: Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
8357: When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came
8358: in second," Palmer replied.
8359: "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
8360: "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did."
8361: %
8362: It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
8363: classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
8364: %
8365: It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
8366: it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
8367: into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
8368: -- Voltaire
8369: %
8370: It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
8371: %
8372: It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
8373: %
8374: It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
8375: general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
8376: %
8377: It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
8378: %
8379: It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
8380: Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
8381: half are doing it.
8382: -- Winston Churchill
8383: %
8384: It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
8385: damn thing over and over.
8386: -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
8387: %
8388: It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
8389: You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
8390: %
8391: It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
8392: to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
8393: -- Voltaire
8394: %
8395: It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
8396: could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
8397: broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
8398: -- Schopenhauer
8399: %
8400: It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
8401: war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
8402: teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse
8403: to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes
8404: mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
8405: the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
8406: means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
8407: of a diabetic ..."
8408: By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
8409: registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored
8410: fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then
8411: startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
8412: finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
8413: his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample
8414: was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
8415: all of us foolishly licked that finger.
8416: "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
8417: principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled.
8418: We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
8419: anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
8420: continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
8421: licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
8422: %
8423: It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
8424: if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
8425: Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
8426: but there's just no way for us to know it.
8427: -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
8428: %
8429: It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
8430: %
8431: It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
8432: very unfortunate place to have it.
8433: -- Malcolm Muggeridge
8434: %
8435: It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
8436: sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
8437: of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
8438: "nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In
8439: a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
8440: The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
8441: the apparent miracle.
8442: A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
8443: moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
8444: later came back.
8445: By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
8446: beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
8447: teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
8448: AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
8449: they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
8450: The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
8451: shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
8452: lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
8453: the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
8454: rocks are?"
8455: %
8456: It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot
8457: immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
8458: on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next
8459: day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
8460: %
8461: It seems that John gets this phone call:
8462: "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line
8463: is hard and cold.
8464: "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months
8465: ago.
8466: "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?"
8467: "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and
8468: we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant
8469: and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
8470: John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well,"
8471: he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
8472: %
8473: It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He
8474: was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being
8475: a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
8476: forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
8477: from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
8478: but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
8479: Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena,
8480: the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
8481: gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
8482: even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he
8483: pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
8484: he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
8485: forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the
8486: lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
8487: Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
8488: upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so
8489: the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
8490: "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
8491: %
8492: It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
8493: Especially in a paternity hearing.
8494: %
8495: It takes leather balls to play rugby.
8496: (Blood makes the grass grow!)
8497: %
8498: It takes little strain and no art
8499: To bang out an echoing fart.
8500: The reaction is hearty
8501: When you fart at a party,
8502: But the sensitive persons depart.
8503: %
8504: It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
8505: They can kiss that shit goodbye.
8506: %
8507: It was a female that drove me to drink
8508: and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
8509: -- R.E. Baber
8510: %
8511: It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
8512: They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
8513: the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting
8514: excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse
8515: off and we'll see what he does?"
8516: At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
8517: off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and
8518: jumping up and down.
8519: "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all
8520: your clothes and we'll see what he does."
8521: Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape
8522: really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
8523: in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to
8524: the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
8525: "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
8526: %
8527: It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
8528: frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
8529: bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
8530: "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
8531: answered sternly.
8532: "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
8533: The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman
8534: at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would
8535: you like?"
8536: "Vinegar and water."
8537: %
8538: It was April the 41st,
8539: Being a quadruple leap year.
8540: I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
8541: My Barracuda was in the shop,
8542: So I was in a rented stingray
8543: -- and it was over-heating.
8544: So, I pulled into a Shell station.
8545: They said I'd blown a seal.
8546: I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
8547: life out of it, okay pal?"
8548: -- Wet Dreams
8549: %
8550: It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
8551: gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
8552: line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
8553: Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
8554: they beautiful?"
8555: "Just fair," was the answer.
8556: "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
8557: asked his opinion.
8558: "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
8559: about."
8560: "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now
8561: you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
8562: "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
8563: I'm a tit mouse myself."
8564: %
8565: It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
8566: "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful
8567: dream!"
8568: Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
8569: and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
8570: Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
8571: sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
8572: wife."
8573: "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
8574: you will!"
8575: %
8576: It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
8577: their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
8578: "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been
8579: married three times."
8580: "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman,
8581: and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one
8582: of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the
8583: third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
8584: would be up in 15 minutes.
8585: %
8586: It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
8587: trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
8588: knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
8589: in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
8590: Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on
8591: the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
8592: "Tell us a story," begged Mary.
8593: "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
8594: her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?"
8595: "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
8596: "About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
8597: %
8598: It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
8599: not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or
8600: written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems
8601: a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was
8602: the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
8603: myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
8604: my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
8605: where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
8606: was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
8607: our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
8608: oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I
8609: would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
8610: her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese
8611: don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say,
8612: because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the
8613: good things in your life.
8614: -- Stephen King, "The Body"
8615: %
8616: It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
8617: was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking
8618: upperclassman, he inquired,
8619: "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
8620: "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
8621: sentences with a preposition."
8622: "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
8623: is at, asshole?"
8624: %
8625: It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
8626: huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate
8627: jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
8628: have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
8629: A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
8630: I'll be the Daddy."
8631: "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
8632: %
8633: It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know
8634: what I mean.
8635: -- David Crosby
8636: %
8637: It's a bitch being butch.
8638: %
8639: It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
8640: on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
8641: %
8642: It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
8643: I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
8644: -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
8645: of older women versus younger women
8646: %
8647: "It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
8648: in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
8649: soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
8650: %
8651: It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
8652: -- Joan Rivers
8653: %
8654: It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
8655: %
8656: It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
8657: %
8658: It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
8659: 20-year-old son comes in.
8660:
8661: "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
8662: bums. Whatta you trying to do?"
8663: "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
8664: "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you
8665: chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
8666: "Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
8667: "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka
8668: likka that?"
8669: "Papa, we're not Italian."
8670: %
8671: It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
8672: -- Sean O'Huiginn
8673: %
8674: It's not pretty being easy.
8675: %
8676: It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
8677: %
8678: It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
8679: %
8680: It's the sighs that count.
8681: %
8682: I've been feeling kind of jealous,
8683: Of all them well-hung fellas,
8684: Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one,
8685: Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun,
8686: I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock.
8687: If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon,
8688: They would turn on to my hardon --
8689: If I only had a cock.
8690: Oh, I can tell you now,
8691: The number of times I'd score,
8692: I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife,
8693: I never have before, Living a little mouse-life
8694: And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long.
8695: And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
8696: Life would be a ding-a-derry
8697: If I only had a dong!
8698: -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
8699: %
8700: I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something
8701: on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights
8702: were more than enough.
8703: %
8704: I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
8705: and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
8706: to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
8707: gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
8708: The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
8709: the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
8710: maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
8711: weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The
8712: four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
8713: in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs.
8714: Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
8715: have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
8716: Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can.
8717: Sincerely,
8718: Santa
8719: %
8720: I've finally found the perfect girl,
8721: I couldn't ask for more,
8722: She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
8723: And owns a liquor store.
8724: %
8725: I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
8726: -- Lyndon B. Johnson
8727:
8728: Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
8729: -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
8730: public toilet during a tour of the Far East
8731: %
8732: Jack an Jill went up the hill.
8733: Jill went down,
8734: Jack came.
8735: %
8736: Jack and Jill went up a hill
8737: To fetch a pail of water.
8738: Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill
8739: And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her,
8740: Then went down and told the town
8741: He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
8742: Jack to Jill thus did such ill
8743: That Jill, to pay the rotter,
8744: Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill
8745: When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter.
8746: Half the town deals Jill a frown
8747: And half greets Jack with laughter.
8748: %
8749: Jack and Jill went up the hill
8750: Each had a buck and a quarter.
8751: Jill came down with two and a half --
8752: And you thought that they went for water.
8753: %
8754: Jack and Jill
8755: Went up the hill,
8756: Each had a buck and a quarter!
8757: Jill came down,
8758: With two and a half,
8759: You think they went for water?
8760: %
8761: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
8762: Jack jumped over the candle stick,
8763: And burnt his balls.
8764: %
8765: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
8766: Jack jumped over the candle stick.
8767: But Jack wasn't so nimble,
8768: Jack wasn't so quick,
8769: So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
8770: %
8771: Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
8772: %
8773: Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
8774: %
8775: Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
8776: and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
8777: among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
8778: Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
8779: Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
8780: I'm trying to make a point, here!"
8781: %
8782: Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
8783: %
8784: Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
8785: -- Michael O'Donohugh
8786: %
8787: Jesus Never Fails
8788:
8789: (He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
8790: %
8791: Jesus Saves!
8792:
8793: (And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
8794: %
8795: Jesus Saves,
8796: Moses Invests,
8797: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
8798: %
8799: Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
8800: %
8801: Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
8802: -- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
8803: %
8804: Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
8805: on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
8806: "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
8807: women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
8808: "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
8809: "Do we have time?" Hart asked.
8810: "Do we have time?" Biden asked.
8811: "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
8812: %
8813: Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
8814: %
8815: John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
8816: his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:
8817: "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
8818: the women!"
8819: %
8820: Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
8821: Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
8822: over to the side of the road.
8823: %
8824: Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
8825: a prompt, type like hell.
8826: %
8827: Just go with the flow control, roll with the
8828: crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
8829: %
8830: Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
8831: blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
8832: like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky
8833: or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ
8834: came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
8835: nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get
8836: crucified in the morning.
8837: -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
8838: %
8839: Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
8840: are scared and the women are grateful.
8841: %
8842: kasha, n:
8843: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
8844: problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
8845: I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you
8846: much.
8847: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
8848: %
8849: Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
8850: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
8851: for the students, and parking for the faculty.
8852: %
8853: King Louis gave a lesson in class,
8854: One time while enjoying a lass.
8855: When she used the word "Damn"
8856: He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
8857: Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
8858: %
8859: Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
8860: sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As
8861: for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
8862: -- Margaret Sangor
8863: %
8864: Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots,
8865: tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high;
8866: take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits;
8867: get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry.
8868:
8869: Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs;
8870: writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top;
8871: but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes,
8872: that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop.
8873: the hip.
8874:
8875: The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip,
8876: her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish,
8877: then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will,
8878: cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish.
8879: with him.
8880: -- Kitten With A Whip
8881: %
8882: Knowledge Engineering:
8883:
8884: A combination of:
8885:
8886: Engineering, n:
8887: The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
8888: of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
8889: structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
8890:
8891: and
8892:
8893: Knowledge, n:
8894: Sexual intercourse.
8895:
8896: See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
8897: %
8898: Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
8899: fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of
8900: species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control,
8901: or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then
8902: threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
8903: in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's
8904: most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
8905: such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
8906: flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying
8907: raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
8908: hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
8909: meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz
8910: went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand
8911: into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
8912: grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event
8913: left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
8914: intention movements, that is.
8915: -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
8916: %
8917: Kotex, n:
8918: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
8919: %
8920: Kumquat, n:
8921: Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
8922: somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
8923: Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact,
8924: an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
8925: sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
8926: during orgasm.
8927:
8928: Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
8929: partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
8930: %
8931: Labia majora, n:
8932: The curly gates.
8933: %
8934: Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
8935: Pro: "Ummm, well, where?"
8936: Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
8937: Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat."
8938: %
8939: lagnaf, n:
8940: Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
8941: %
8942: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
8943: %
8944: "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,
8945: "In a long-distance telephone booth,
8946: I enjoyed the perfection
8947: Of an ideal connection --
8948: I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
8949: %
8950: Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
8951: %
8952: lawyer, n:
8953: Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
8954: closely."
8955: %
8956: Lawyers do it to everyone.
8957: %
8958: Left a good broad by the river,
8959: Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
8960: Waited for 10 hours,
8961: Went back to the river,
8962: But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
8963:
8964: chorus:
8965: Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
8966: Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
8967: Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
8968:
8969: If you're gonna run for office,
8970: And you know that it's an election year.
8971: Don't go in the river,
8972: 'Specially by way of bridges,
8973: It could put an end to your political career!
8974: (chorus)
8975: -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
8976: %
8977: "Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black
8978: people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
8979: to you?"
8980: -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
8981: Minister Botha of South Africa.
8982: %
8983: Les salons de la ville de Trieste
8984: Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
8985: Parmi les grandes chaises
8986: On cause des malaises,
8987: Des estropiements, et des pestes.
8988: -- Edward Gorey
8989: %
8990: Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
8991: %
8992: Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
8993: disqualified from entering.
8994: Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
8995: "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
8996: "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records?
8997: They *must* be wrong!"
8998: "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
8999: parakeet with black trim."
9000: "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
9001: replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
9002: %
9003: LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
9004: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
9005: reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
9006: employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are
9007: prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
9008: %
9009: Lick-a-dee-clit!
9010: %
9011: Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
9012: %
9013: Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
9014: It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
9015: %
9016: Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
9017: -- Rodney Dangerfield
9018: %
9019: Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
9020: in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
9021: %
9022: Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
9023: can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
9024: %
9025: Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread
9026: you have, the less shit you have to eat.
9027: %
9028: Life is not a cabaret.
9029: It's a fucking circus.
9030: %
9031: Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy.
9032: %
9033: Like private parts to the Gods are we,
9034: they play with us for their sport.
9035: -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
9036: %
9037: Limericks are art forms complex,
9038: Their topics run chiefly to sex.
9039: They usually have virgins,
9040: And masculine urgin's,
9041: And other erotic effects.
9042: %
9043: Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
9044: Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
9045: Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
9046: 'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
9047: -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
9048: %
9049: Lisp hackers
9050: ... do it in CARS.
9051: ... do it with tail recursion.
9052: ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
9053: ... have DEFUN while doing it.
9054: ... have to be bound to do it.
9055: ... have Moby dicks.
9056: %
9057: Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
9058: %
9059: Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
9060: %
9061: Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
9062: %
9063: LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
9064: 'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The
9065: experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
9066: cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
9067: with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
9068: By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause
9069: for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
9070: or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
9071: with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their
9072: eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
9073: to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
9074: intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
9075: -- The Joy of Sex
9076: %
9077: Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother
9078: told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra
9079: hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next
9080: morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
9081: the night before.
9082: "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
9083: "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
9084: your prayers have been answered."
9085: Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
9086: "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
9087: "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
9088: %
9089: Little Johnny with a grin,
9090: Drank up all of daddy's gin,
9091: Mother said, when he was plastered,
9092: Go to bed, you little love-child.
9093: %
9094: Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
9095: 1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
9096: "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
9097: %
9098: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
9099: Eating her curds and whey.
9100: Along came a spider,
9101: And bit her right in the snatch.
9102: %
9103: Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
9104: Eating her curds and whey.
9105: Along came a spider,
9106: Who sat down beside her,
9107: And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
9108: %
9109: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
9110: Her knickers all tattered and torn.
9111: For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
9112: But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
9113: %
9114: Little Miss Muffet,
9115: Sat on her tuffet,
9116: Smoking some THC.
9117: Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
9118: And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
9119: %
9120: Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
9121: her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
9122: "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
9123: "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
9124: "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
9125: %
9126: Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
9127: When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
9128: raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his
9129: distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
9130: stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
9131: black hat and a red neckerchief.
9132: The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
9133: He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
9134: dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
9135: had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
9136: One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
9137: horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
9138: with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
9139: this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
9140: "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
9141: house and rustled my cattle?"
9142: "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
9143: "You better cut that shit out!"
9144: %
9145: Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
9146: -- Louis B. Mayer
9147:
9148: The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
9149: was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
9150: -- Samuel Goldwyn
9151: %
9152: Love comes in spurts.
9153: %
9154: Love comes in spurts.
9155: --Devo, "Please Please"
9156: %
9157: Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
9158: -- James Thurber
9159: %
9160: Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
9161: %
9162: Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
9163: %
9164: Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
9165: twang of a bedspring.
9166: -- S.J. Perelman
9167: %
9168: Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
9169: -- Johnny Rotten
9170: %
9171: Love letters no longer they write us,
9172: To their homes they so seldom invite us.
9173: It grieves me to say,
9174: They have learned with dismay,
9175: We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
9176: %
9177: Luser, n:
9178: Someone who picks up a female
9179: hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
9180: %
9181: Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
9182: %
9183: Macho, adj:
9184: Jogging home from a vasectomy.
9185: %
9186: Male, n:
9187: Life support system for a cock.
9188: %
9189: Man in stall:
9190: Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there?
9191: Man at sink:
9192: No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in
9193: any of the other stalls either.
9194: A minute passes.
9195: Man in stall:
9196: Say, buddy?
9197: Man at sink:
9198: Yeah?
9199: Man in stall:
9200: You got change for a ten?
9201: %
9202: Man who dance in crowded ballroom
9203: dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
9204: %
9205: Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
9206: %
9207: Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
9208: Some say not even indecent.
9209: But if you lust,
9210: It's a must!
9211: %
9212: Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
9213: %
9214: Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
9215: because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
9216: satisfaction of his death.
9217: -- Brendan Francis
9218: %
9219: Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
9220: not have chosen a suit by it.
9221: -- Maurice Chevalier
9222: %
9223: Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
9224: whole girl.
9225: -- Stephen Leacock
9226: %
9227: Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
9228: a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
9229: %
9230: Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
9231: is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
9232: -- Edward Gibbon
9233: %
9234: Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
9235: But she can never catch him at it.
9236: %
9237: Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
9238: %
9239: Many nice things suck.
9240: %
9241: Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff
9242: at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
9243: -- Billy Carter
9244: %
9245: Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
9246: She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
9247: If you want to get laid,
9248: Then we'll have to tribade!"
9249: (But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
9250: %
9251: Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
9252: -- Peter De Vries
9253: %
9254: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out,
9255: you lose interest.
9256: -- Professor Irwin Corey
9257: %
9258: Mary had a little lamb,
9259: It's fleece as white as snow.
9260: It followed her to school one day,
9261: And got fucked by a big black dog.
9262: %
9263: Mary had a little lamb,
9264: She kept it in a bucket.
9265: And every time she let it out,
9266: The bulldog used to
9267: Chase it around the garden.
9268: %
9269: Mary had a little lamb,
9270: The lamb turned out to be a ram,
9271: Now Mary has a little lamb.
9272: %
9273: Mary had a little sheep,
9274: And with the sheep she went to sleep,
9275: The sheep turned out to be a ram,
9276: And Mary had a little lamb.
9277: %
9278: Mary had a little watch;
9279: She swallowed it one day.
9280: And so she took some Ex-Lax
9281: To pass the time away.
9282:
9283: But when she took the Ex-Lax
9284: The time it did not pass.
9285: So when you want to know the time,
9286: Just look up Mary's ...
9287: Uncle, he has a watch, too.
9288: %
9289: Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
9290: -- James Joyce
9291: %
9292: masturbation, n:
9293: A self-service elevator.
9294: %
9295: masturbation, n:
9296: Coming unscrewed.
9297: %
9298: Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
9299: %
9300: Mathematicians
9301: ... do it in groups.
9302: ... do it in theory.
9303: ... take it to the limit.
9304: %
9305: Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
9306: %
9307: Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
9308: described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play.
9309: -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
9310: %
9311: May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
9312: take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
9313: %
9314: May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
9315: %
9316: May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
9317: %
9318: May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
9319: %
9320: Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
9321: opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
9322: %
9323: McCoy's a seducer galore,
9324: And of virgins he has quite a score.
9325: He tells them, "My dear,
9326: You're the Final Frontier,
9327: Where man never has gone before."
9328: %
9329: McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
9330: If an item is advertised as "under $50",
9331: you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
9332: %
9333: McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
9334: the passengers who were injured.
9335: "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
9336: the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you
9337: think when you saw this happen ?"
9338: I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
9339: a railroad."
9340: %
9341: Me father makes book on the corner,
9342: Me mother makes second hand gin,
9343: Me sister makes love for a dollar,
9344: And that's how the money rolls in!
9345:
9346: Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
9347: (Rolls in!)
9348: Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
9349:
9350: Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
9351: Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
9352: Me sister performs the abortions,
9353: And that's how the money rolls in!
9354:
9355: Me uncle's a poor missionary,
9356: He saves fallen women from sin.
9357: He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
9358: And that's how the money rolls in.
9359: %
9360: Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot
9361: of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
9362: are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay
9363: for his own drinks.
9364: -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
9365: %
9366: Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
9367: %
9368: Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
9369: they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
9370: And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
9371: as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
9372: %
9373: Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
9374: Afflicted with psychotic warps.
9375: His idea of fun
9376: Is to bugger a nun,
9377: And then vomit all over the corpse.
9378: %
9379: Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
9380: ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
9381:
9382: (from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
9383:
9384: Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
9385: %
9386: Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
9387: 'em by the curb when you're done.
9388: %
9389: Men have many faults,
9390: Women only two:
9391: Everything they say,
9392: And everything they do!
9393: %
9394: Men will fuck mud.
9395: -- Lenny Bruce
9396: %
9397: menage a trois, n:
9398: Using both hands to masturbate.
9399: %
9400: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines
9401: also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female
9402: body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
9403: should not be seen by the light of day.
9404: -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
9405: %
9406: Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it
9407: has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
9408: closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
9409: the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
9410:
9411: [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
9412: world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
9413: next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
9414:
9415: ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
9416: cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
9417: billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more
9418: interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your
9419: skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
9420: who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
9421: views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so
9422: much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
9423: -- Dave Barry
9424: %
9425: Meteorologist, n:
9426: A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
9427: %
9428: Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
9429: the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets
9430: with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
9431:
9432: Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
9433: Mickey : Oh?
9434: Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
9435: Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
9436: fuckin' Goofy.
9437: %
9438: Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
9439: wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
9440: %
9441: "Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
9442: testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
9443: -- Ripping Yarns
9444: %
9445: Missed the train at the railway station
9446: Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
9447: Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
9448: She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
9449: %
9450: Missionary position:
9451: The missionary on top.
9452: %
9453: Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
9454: How does your garden grow?
9455: With silver bells and cockle shells,
9456: And one really fucked-up petunia.
9457: %
9458: Mistress, n:
9459: Something between a mister and a mattress.
9460: %
9461: mixed emotions:
9462: Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
9463: in your brand new Mercedes.
9464: %
9465: Montana:
9466: Where men are men and women are sheep.
9467: %
9468: Moody bitch in search of...
9469: kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship.
9470: %
9471: Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
9472: good-looking guy to dump on.
9473: %
9474: Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few
9475: blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
9476: tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house.
9477: His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
9478: the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
9479: her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
9480: "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
9481: for breakfast tomorrow."
9482: %
9483: Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss
9484: out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
9485: %
9486: Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
9487: %
9488: Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
9489: -- Frank Zappa
9490: %
9491: Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
9492: to be otherwise.
9493: -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
9494: %
9495: Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
9496: %
9497: Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
9498: Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
9499: it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
9500: %
9501: Moustache rides, 50 cents.
9502: %
9503: Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
9504: %
9505: Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one
9506: problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him
9507: time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him
9508: that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
9509: his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
9510: couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
9511: Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
9512: had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
9513: took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
9514: That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
9515: started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
9516: door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
9517: tonight. Now, don't you dare move."
9518: Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
9519: and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
9520: Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
9521: arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to
9522: the door.
9523: Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
9524: chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
9525: %
9526: Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
9527: Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
9528: When he's under the weather
9529: They can't get together,
9530: So others get into her box.
9531: %
9532: Murphy's Discovery:
9533: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
9534: to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
9535: everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine
9536: months later, you're in trouble!
9537: %
9538: Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism
9539: fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
9540: understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
9541: being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform,
9542: they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful
9543: things to them for their own good. This is so ME."
9544: -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
9545: "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
9546: of AIDS, book reveals"
9547: %
9548: My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
9549: dahlias.
9550: -- William Allen White
9551: %
9552: My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
9553: He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
9554: %
9555: My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him
9556: in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
9557: Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
9558: -- T. Bywater
9559: %
9560: My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
9561: family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
9562: -- Alexandre Dumas
9563: %
9564: My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
9565: %
9566: My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
9567: -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
9568: %
9569: My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
9570: and they stick.
9571: -- Johnny Bob
9572: %
9573: My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
9574: I simply can't fuck any more;
9575: I'm covered with sweat,
9576: And you haven't come yet,
9577: And my God, it's a quarter to four!
9578: -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
9579: %
9580: My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
9581: -- Rodney Dangerfield
9582: %
9583: My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
9584: -- Friday
9585: %
9586: My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife
9587: came home early from work and found us in bed together.
9588: -- Lenny Bruce
9589: %
9590: My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
9591: vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without
9592: quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
9593: paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
9594: -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
9595: Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent
9596: corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing
9597: masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
9598: that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
9599: cannonball on the stomach.
9600: %
9601: My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
9602: want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
9603: to screw again as long as I live.
9604: -- Erica Jong
9605: %
9606: My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
9607: %
9608: My travel agent's an Oxford chap
9609: Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
9610: I asked him about the Isle of Man
9611: For a journey of about six weeks.
9612: And this is what he said to me
9613: As he looked me right in the eye,
9614: "For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
9615: Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
9616:
9617: A brand-new store just opened its door
9618: At the corner of 5th and Vine
9619: And I happened to be standing right outside
9620: When they turned on their neon sign.
9621: I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
9622: And that's when I almost died,
9623: They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
9624: To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
9625: %
9626: `My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
9627: I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava.
9628: The ship was all white
9629: But it creaked in the night,
9630: And the band, they did not know la java."
9631: -- Edward Gorey
9632: %
9633: `My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
9634: I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava.
9635: The ship was all white
9636: But it creaked in the night,
9637: And the band, they did not know la java."
9638: -- Edward Gorey
9639: %
9640: My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967.
9641: She's up to three packs a day.
9642: -- Rodney Dangerfield
9643: %
9644: My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating.
9645: -- Howard Stern
9646: %
9647: Naeser's Law:
9648: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
9649: %
9650: Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire
9651: naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
9652: sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
9653: -- Lewis Carroll
9654: %
9655: Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
9656: "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
9657: %
9658: Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
9659: seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
9660: %
9661: National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
9662: %
9663: navel, n:
9664: A place to stash your gum on the way down.
9665: %
9666: Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
9667: Watch who you sleep with.
9668: %
9669: necrophelia, n:
9670: Dead boring.
9671:
9672: incest, n:
9673: Relatively boring.
9674: %
9675: necrophilia, n:
9676: Dropping in for a cold one.
9677: %
9678: Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
9679: Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
9680: %
9681: Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
9682: %
9683: Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
9684: -- Gordon Cooper
9685: %
9686: "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?"
9687: "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
9688: %
9689: Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
9690: %
9691: NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
9692: "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
9693: a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
9694: promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
9695: our "Big John" doll.)
9696: %
9697: New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
9698: %
9699: New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
9700: it's the asshole of the universe.
9701: -- Jonathan Michael Smith
9702: %
9703: New York:
9704: Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
9705: %
9706: Newlywed groom:
9707: Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer.
9708: You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
9709: and weekends. I'm sorry.
9710: Newlywed bride:
9711: I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker.
9712: Groom:
9713: Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow
9714: through...
9715: %
9716: Newsflash:
9717: Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
9718: predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
9719: of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
9720: Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
9721: expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
9722: to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
9723: than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
9724: living in Stenton, North Dakota.
9725: %
9726: Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
9727: Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
9728: -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
9729: %
9730: Nice computers don't go down.
9731: %
9732: Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
9733: %
9734: Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
9735: 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
9736: so the lid won't stay up.
9737: 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
9738: 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
9739: 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
9740: 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
9741: demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
9742: 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
9743: or speculate about your next one.
9744: 7: A taco will never make a scene because
9745: there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
9746: 8: It's easy to drop a taco.
9747: 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
9748: %
9749: Ninety percent of everything is crap.
9750: -- Theodore Sturgeon
9751: %
9752: No matter how clever the hardware boys
9753: are, the software boys piss it away.
9754: %
9755: No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
9756: -- Greg Bear
9757: %
9758: Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
9759: [Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
9760: %
9761: Not everyone has a one-track mind.
9762: -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
9763: %
9764: Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
9765: -- Woody Allen
9766: %
9767: nothing, adj:
9768: A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
9769: %
9770: Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
9771: tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
9772: Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What
9773: can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out
9774: of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become
9775: a doctor, that's why we killed him.
9776: -- Lenny Bruce
9777: %
9778: Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
9779: Who said with a wink and a smile,
9780: "Sure, please stick it in,
9781: Be it thick be it thin,
9782: But if's rough I won't do as a file."
9783: %
9784: Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
9785: bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
9786: have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
9787: of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
9788: "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
9789: "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
9790: by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements,
9791: you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
9792: promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
9793: -- D. Adams
9794: %
9795: Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
9796: Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
9797: Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
9798: What would they do if I made no landfall?"
9799: -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
9800: %
9801: Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
9802: occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her. She came up
9803: with this in response to one...
9804:
9805: Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
9806: When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
9807: bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
9808: meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more
9809: comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
9810: morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
9811:
9812: "Just think," said
9813:
9814: Nurse Jones,
9815: "... that was four
9816: hours ago and
9817: my sperm count
9818: is probably *still*
9819: higher than yours."
9820: %
9821: Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me...
9822: %
9823: Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
9824: -- Joseph Pulitzer
9825: %
9826: Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
9827: their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
9828: because it's obscene.
9829: %
9830: Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers.
9831: %
9832: Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
9833: %
9834: Oden the bardling averred
9835: His muse was the bum of a bird,
9836: And his Lesbian wife
9837: Would finger his fife
9838: While Fisherwood waited as third.
9839: %
9840: Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
9841: exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the
9842: author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
9843: "A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
9844: Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
9845: an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
9846: himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
9847:
9848: "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
9849: ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
9850: -- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
9851: spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
9852: There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
9853: sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
9854: %
9855: Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
9856: The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
9857: %
9858: Of his face she thought not very much,
9859: But then, at the very first touch,
9860: Her attitude shifted --
9861: He was terribly gifted
9862: At frigging and fucking and such.
9863: %
9864: Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
9865: %
9866: Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
9867: Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
9868: Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
9869: And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
9870: %
9871: Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
9872: That got run over with my mower.
9873: One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
9874: The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
9875: It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
9876: It landed by the kitchen door.
9877: Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
9878: that ain't gonna walk no more...
9879: -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
9880: %
9881: Oh John, let's not park here.
9882: Oh John, let's not park.
9883: Oh John, let's not.
9884: Oh John, let's.
9885: Oh John.
9886: Oh.
9887: %
9888: Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
9889: Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
9890: The poor wench doth stammer,
9891: "I need a sledgehammer
9892: To pound a man into my vent."
9893: %
9894: Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
9895: He tried to make love to a puma.
9896: Seems the puma, in play,
9897: Tore his testes away -
9898: - An example of animal huma.
9899: %
9900: Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
9901: He tried to make love to a puma.
9902: Seems the puma, in play,
9903: Tore his testes away --
9904: An example of animal huma.
9905: %
9906: Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
9907: -- Don Herold
9908: %
9909: OLD FELLA RED CLARET
9910: Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
9911:
9912: An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
9913: and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
9914: prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the
9915: slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
9916: Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
9917: buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
9918: with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
9919: gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
9920: In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
9921: who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
9922:
9923: It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
9924:
9925: Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
9926: Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
9927: %
9928: Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
9929: A merry old soul was he.
9930: He called for his pipe,
9931: And he called for his drums,
9932: And he fiddled with his call girls three.
9933: %
9934: Old King Cole
9935: Was a merry old soul,
9936: A merry old soul was he!
9937: He called for his pipe,
9938: And he called for his bowl,
9939: And he fiddled with his call girls three!
9940: %
9941: Old McDonald had a farm,
9942: E-I-E-I-O!
9943: And on this farm he had some chicks,
9944: E-I-E-I-O!
9945: With a chick-chick here,
9946: And a chick-chick there,
9947: Here a chick,
9948: There a chick,
9949: Everywhere a chick-chick,
9950: Old McDonald lost his farm
9951: 'Cause he had too many chicks!
9952: %
9953: Old McDonald had a farm,
9954: E-I-E-I-O
9955: And on this farm he had some chicks,
9956: E-I-E-I-O
9957: With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there,
9958: Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo,
9959: Old McDonald lost his farm,
9960: 'Cause he had too many chicks.
9961: %
9962: Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup.
9963: %
9964: Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
9965: She had so many children,
9966: She didn't know what to do.
9967: So she moved to Atlanta.
9968: %
9969: Old Mother Hubbard,
9970: Went to the cubbard,
9971: To get her poor doggie a bone.
9972:
9973: But when she stooped over,
9974: Old Rover, he drove her.
9975: You see, he had a bone of his own.
9976: %
9977: Olmstead's Law:
9978: After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9979: %
9980: On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
9981: Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
9982: Not russian elite-
9983: She's eager to eat
9984: Whatever or whoever lays her.
9985: %
9986: On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
9987: The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
9988: "Aha!" said the mate,
9989: "That settles the fate
9990: Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
9991: %
9992: On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
9993: herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
9994: The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
9995: went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find
9996: a man making love to the corpse.
9997: "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
9998: that woman is dead!"
9999: "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
10000: "I thought she was an American!"
10001: %
10002: On Brassieres:
10003: Russian: Uplifts the masses.
10004: Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
10005: American: Makes mountains out of molehills.
10006: %
10007: On day a Monterey daughter
10008: Did scuba down under the water.
10009: She later turned up
10010: The mom of a pup,
10011: And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
10012: %
10013: On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
10014: Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
10015: on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was
10016: apprehended.
10017: Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is."
10018: Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money."
10019: Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!"
10020: Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor."
10021: At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his
10022: bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
10023: says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
10024: chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
10025: me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
10026: Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the
10027: money is right now, he will kill you here."
10028: Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
10029: under the big tree at the pass!"
10030: Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
10031: %
10032: On the breast of a lady named Gail,
10033: Was tattooed the price of her tail.
10034: And on her behind,
10035: For the sake of the blind,
10036: Was the same information -- in Braille.
10037: %
10038: On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
10039: Was tatooed the price of her tail
10040: And on her behind,
10041: For the sake of the blind,
10042: Was the same information in Braille.
10043: %
10044: On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
10045: His girl got a yen for fellatio.
10046: As she sucked on his dingus
10047: He tried cunnilingus
10048: But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
10049: %
10050: Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
10051: eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
10052: only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
10053: better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
10054: and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
10055: The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
10056: fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
10057: wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
10058: sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
10059: my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
10060: to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
10061: you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
10062: at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
10063: gonna back to Italy.
10064: %
10065: Once a woman has given you her heart you
10066: can never get rid of the rest of her.
10067: -- Vanbrugh
10068: %
10069: Once a young gay from Khartoum,
10070: Took a lesbian up to his room.
10071: They argued all night
10072: Over who had the right
10073: To do what, and with which, and to whom.
10074: %
10075: Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell
10076: for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
10077: as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first
10078: group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
10079: group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They
10080: exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was
10081: very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
10082: had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them.
10083: Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
10084: That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group
10085: and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and
10086: all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
10087: the way I do.
10088: -- J. Feiffer
10089: %
10090: Once upon a girl there was a time...
10091: %
10092: Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
10093: two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
10094: observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came
10095: running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
10096: white cow!"
10097: The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
10098: alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
10099: going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just
10100: say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
10101: Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little
10102: while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
10103: came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
10104: The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
10105: know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
10106: Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
10107: %
10108: Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
10109: made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
10110: wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
10111: "This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
10112: and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
10113: bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
10114: his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
10115: It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
10116: began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
10117: rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
10118: however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
10119: morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
10120: the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
10121: enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
10122: shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
10123: you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
10124: toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
10125: the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
10126: %
10127: Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
10128: fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
10129: cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When
10130: she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
10131: jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
10132: down."
10133: So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
10134: you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
10135: %
10136: Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
10137: fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
10138: the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
10139: After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
10140: earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
10141: little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
10142: warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
10143: began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
10144: chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
10145: he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
10146: There are three morals to this story:
10147: 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
10148: 2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
10149: 3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
10150: %
10151: Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and
10152: somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
10153: on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious
10154: enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,
10155: "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
10156: time comes, I am going to be that one."
10157: A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
10158: knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly
10159: and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
10160: All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
10161: all his might.
10162: "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
10163: %
10164: Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
10165: and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
10166: coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
10167: The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
10168: sleeping in my bed!"
10169: And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
10170: %
10171: Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
10172: us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
10173: smaller prime numbers.
10174:
10175: 2: The Odd Prime --
10176: It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
10177: 3: The True Prime --
10178: Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
10179: 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
10180: Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in
10181: case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received
10182: the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
10183: However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
10184: 41: The Female Prime --
10185: The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
10186: prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
10187: 43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
10188:
10189: Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
10190: are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
10191: but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
10192: %
10193: Once was a hooker named Gail,
10194: Busted and sent-off to jail,
10195: She liked the jailer,
10196: He wanted to nail her,
10197: So Gail made bail with her tail.
10198: %
10199: Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
10200: the rest of life is that much easier.
10201: %
10202: Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
10203: %
10204: One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
10205: boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
10206: Finally the office boy was brought in.
10207: "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been
10208: playing around with my secretary?"
10209: "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything
10210: like that, sir."
10211: "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
10212: %
10213: One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped
10214: into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
10215: to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile,
10216: he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was,
10217: the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car
10218: and approached the farmer.
10219: "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
10220: Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
10221: in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house
10222: that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's
10223: mah wife's idea."
10224: %
10225: One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
10226: a polar bear?"
10227: "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at
10228: the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the
10229: ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're
10230: a polar bear. Why do you ask?"
10231: "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
10232: %
10233: One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
10234: anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car,
10235: he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
10236: Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
10237: threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
10238: The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
10239: Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
10240: he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating
10241: the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
10242: "Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you
10243: with my car once, remember?"
10244: "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just
10245: lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
10246: in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
10247: the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
10248: "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes
10249: to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
10250: %
10251: One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
10252: the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
10253: they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
10254: place an reported to God what he'd noticed.
10255: God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
10256: to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
10257: will create your mate."
10258: So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
10259: asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
10260: ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
10261: the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
10262: Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
10263: "God?"
10264: "Yes, Adam, what now?"
10265: "God, what's a headache?"
10266: %
10267: One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
10268: enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
10269: eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
10270: little dog.
10271: What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over,
10272: he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
10273: "Blossom," she replied.
10274: "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your
10275: parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
10276: "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
10277: under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She
10278: thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
10279: name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
10280: How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and
10281: walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he
10282: inquired.
10283: "Porky," was the child's reply.
10284: Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
10285: "Because he likes to fuck pigs."
10286: %
10287: "One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
10288: gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
10289: said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
10290: guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
10291: analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
10292: problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
10293: I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
10294: stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
10295: and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said,
10296: 'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
10297: -- Stephen Wright
10298: %
10299: One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
10300: tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer;
10301: to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
10302: of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer
10303: orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time,
10304: the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
10305: care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
10306: all your beer and spit it in my face?"
10307: "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
10308: and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most
10309: beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
10310: %
10311: One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
10312: officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
10313: thacramento ith?"
10314: The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
10315: The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more
10316: attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
10317: walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
10318: "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied,
10319: "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
10320: %
10321: One evening a guru had coitus
10322: With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
10323: When asked what position
10324: He used for coition,
10325: He answered serenely, "the loetus."
10326: %
10327: One evening a guru had coitus
10328: With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
10329: When asked what position
10330: He used for coition,
10331: He answered serenely, "the lotus."
10332: %
10333: One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need
10334: to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
10335: his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
10336: bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
10337: Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
10338: call a doctor.
10339: "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
10340: gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
10341: the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
10342: much hope."
10343: Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
10344: cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?"
10345: "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
10346: %
10347: One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
10348: One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
10349: %
10350: One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
10351: %
10352: One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
10353: and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
10354: seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
10355: another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of
10356: wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me
10357: like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
10358: %
10359: One night a girl had an affair
10360: With a fellow all covered with hair.
10361: His enormous red whang
10362: Gave her a wonderful bang --
10363: She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
10364: %
10365: One night a girl had an affair
10366: With a fellow all covered with hair.
10367: Then she picked up his hat
10368: And realized that
10369: She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
10370: %
10371: One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
10372: to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
10373: "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
10374: put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look,
10375: Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
10376: "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"
10377: -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
10378: %
10379: One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
10380: accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable
10381: testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
10382: all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
10383: enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking,
10384: "What trip?"
10385: %
10386: One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
10387: compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
10388: %
10389: One of the most expensive things in life
10390: is a girl who is free for the evening.
10391: %
10392: One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
10393: goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
10394: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
10395: %
10396: One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
10397: He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
10398: following Sunday.
10399: "9:30 okay?"
10400: "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
10401: The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
10402: left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
10403: George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
10404: late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
10405: played right-handed and beat them again.
10406: "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
10407: "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
10408: Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
10409: be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
10410: *or* right-handed."
10411: "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
10412: superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
10413: right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
10414: "What if she's lying on her back?"
10415: George said, "That's when I'm late."
10416: %
10417: One should be cherry of virgins.
10418: %
10419: One, two, three, four
10420: What are we fighting for?
10421: Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
10422: Next stop is Vietnam.
10423: Five, six, seven, eight
10424: Open up the pearly gates.
10425: Ain't no time to wonder why
10426: Whoopie! We're all going to die.
10427: -- Country Joe and the Fish
10428: %
10429: One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know
10430: his ass from a hole in the ground!
10431: %
10432: Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
10433: %
10434: Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later.
10435: %
10436: Operators mount anything!
10437: %
10438: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one,
10439: but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.
10440: -- Hal Hickman
10441: %
10442: OPTIMIST:
10443: A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
10444: %
10445: ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
10446: The word "No".
10447: %
10448: oral sex, n:
10449: The taste of things to come.
10450: %
10451: O'Riordan's Theorem:
10452: Brains x Beauty = Constant.
10453:
10454: Purmal's Corollary:
10455: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
10456: availability goes to zero.
10457: %
10458: Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
10459: cash them in.
10460: %
10461: Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
10462: Why pierce my skin, so white?
10463: You grow plump, as a leech.
10464: Stop! I beseech (in vein).
10465:
10466: I have no choice.
10467: Why waste my voice,
10468: When only a slap will do?
10469: Ouch, I am bitten!
10470: What ho, you are smitten!
10471: Yo mosquito, fuck you.
10472: -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
10473: %
10474: Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really
10475: quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
10476: %
10477: Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
10478: maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
10479: in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
10480: good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
10481: for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
10482: over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for
10483: three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in
10484: their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
10485: an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
10486: ever considering whether there were men on base.
10487: -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
10488: %
10489: Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
10490: Has invented a new kind of car.
10491: With a tank full of shit
10492: There's no stopping it --
10493: For short trips, two poots take you far.
10494: %
10495: Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
10496: possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case
10497: of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good
10498: baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for
10499: sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
10500: from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three
10501: seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their
10502: souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
10503: infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
10504: ever considering whether there were men on base.
10505: -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
10506: %
10507: Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
10508: possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
10509: case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a
10510: pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
10511: way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male
10512: comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been
10513: on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust
10514: her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between
10515: catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
10516: elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there
10517: were men on base.
10518: -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
10519: %
10520: Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
10521: In all of the directions it can whiz;
10522: As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
10523: Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
10524: So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
10525: How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
10526: And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
10527: 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
10528: -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
10529: %
10530: Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
10531: "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
10532: and I will lead you to the promised land."
10533: Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
10534: your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
10535: Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
10536: the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
10537: %
10538: Painters do it with even strokes.
10539: %
10540: Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
10541: mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
10542: %
10543: Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
10544: bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
10545: %
10546: Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
10547: %
10548: Pee-wee Recommends:
10549:
10550: When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
10551: the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
10552:
10553: + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
10554: + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
10555: + Tiger Shark, starring Raven
10556: %
10557: penis envy, n:
10558: The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
10559: %
10560: People humiliating a salami!
10561: %
10562: People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
10563: %
10564: People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
10565: -- Peter Sellers
10566: %
10567: Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
10568: on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
10569: a pedestal the better to view her legs.
10570: -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
10571: %
10572: Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
10573: Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
10574: She declined and declined
10575: Till approached from behind...
10576: When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
10577: %
10578: Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
10579: %
10580: philadelphia flying fuck, n:
10581: Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
10582: of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
10583: him orally.
10584:
10585: [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if
10586: you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
10587: Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.]
10588: %
10589: Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
10590: -- Karl Marx
10591: %
10592: Physicists do it with charm.
10593: %
10594: Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
10595: he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
10596: %
10597: pile driver, n:
10598: Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
10599: %
10600: Planned Parenthood:
10601: The emission Control Center.
10602: %
10603: Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
10604: He announced as he folded with flair,
10605: "I had four of a kind,
10606: But those aces combined,
10607: Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
10608: %
10609: PLUNDERER'S THEME
10610: (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
10611:
10612: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
10613: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
10614: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
10615: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
10616: %
10617: pocket pool, n:
10618: Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
10619: For women, it's playing the slots.
10620: %
10621: polish fly, n:
10622: You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
10623: %
10624: Politicians do it to everyone.
10625: %
10626: Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
10627:
10628: 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
10629: a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
10630: hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long
10631: practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
10632: as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her
10633: above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
10634: queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
10635: are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
10636: them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
10637: induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist
10638: is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
10639: that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has
10640: nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises.
10641: -- The Joy of Sex
10642: %
10643: Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
10644: Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
10645: At her first sight of one
10646: She started to run,
10647: And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
10648: %
10649: Posterity will ne'er survey
10650: A nobler grave than this;
10651: Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
10652: Stop, traveler, and piss.
10653: -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
10654: %
10655: Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex.
10656: Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing.
10657: Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex.
10658: %
10659: Pour guerir un acces de fievre
10660: Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
10661: Il le prit a son trou,
10662: Et fit faire un ragout
10663: Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
10664: -- Edward Gorey
10665: %
10666: Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
10667: Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and
10668: I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit
10669: it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
10670: "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me
10671: give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
10672: all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell
10673: your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
10674: bottom window."
10675: "Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
10676: "Just whistle."
10677: "Whistle?"
10678: "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear
10679: you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
10680: %
10681: Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
10682: %
10683: Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
10684: %
10685: premature ejaculation, n:
10686: A spoilspurt.
10687: %
10688: premature ejaculator, n:
10689: Troubled shooter.
10690: %
10691: Premenstrual Syndrome:
10692: Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
10693: %
10694: Prince Absalom lay with his sister
10695: And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
10696: But the kid was so tight,
10697: And it was deep night --
10698: Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
10699: %
10700: Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
10701: %
10702: Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
10703: the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
10704: in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
10705: picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
10706: -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
10707: %
10708: Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
10709: %
10710: Programmers do it bit by bit.
10711: %
10712: Programmers do it until it goes down.
10713: %
10714: Programmers get overlaid.
10715: %
10716: PROMOTION:
10717: New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
10718: %
10719: Prope mare erat tubulator
10720: Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
10721: Dessine ingressus
10722: Audivi progressus:
10723: Est mihi inquit tubulator.
10724: %
10725: Prostitution is the only business where you
10726: can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
10727: %
10728: Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
10729: Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
10730: %
10731: Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They
10732: both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
10733: make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
10734: out the door.
10735: %
10736: pubic hair, n:
10737: Organic dental floss.
10738: %
10739: Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
10740: And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
10741: And drank Manishiewitz wine.
10742: Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
10743: And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
10744: And other kosher stuff.
10745:
10746: Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
10747: Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
10748: Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
10749: That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
10750: %
10751: Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
10752: A: He's the only one with a duck.
10753:
10754: Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
10755: A: He's the only one who bets on the duck.
10756:
10757: Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
10758: A: The duck wins!
10759: %
10760: Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
10761: A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
10762: %
10763: Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
10764: A: He spent the night in a warehouse.
10765: %
10766: Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
10767: A: Real men don't care.
10768: %
10769: Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
10770: A: Give her a couple of test tickles.
10771: %
10772: Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
10773: A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
10774: %
10775: Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
10776: A: She has a mouthful of feathers.
10777: %
10778: Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
10779: A: By the stiff upper lip.
10780: %
10781: Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
10782: A: Who cares?
10783: %
10784: Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
10785: A: She answered the iron.
10786:
10787: Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
10788: A: They called back.
10789: %
10790: Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
10791: A: Cusinart.
10792:
10793: Q: How do you get them back out?
10794: A: Doritos.
10795: %
10796: Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
10797: A: Propose.
10798: %
10799: Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
10800: A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
10801:
10802: Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
10803: A: No -- so it must work pretty well!
10804:
10805: Q: How did Tarzan die?
10806: A: Picking cherries!!!
10807: %
10808: Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
10809: A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
10810: %
10811: Q: How do you know your elephant had her period?
10812: A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
10813: %
10814: Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
10815: A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
10816: %
10817: Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
10818: A: Kick it over to Van Ness.
10819: %
10820: Q: How do you play Religious Roulette?
10821: A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
10822: by lightning first.
10823: %
10824: Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in
10825: your backyard?
10826: A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
10827: %
10828: Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
10829: or an airline stewardess?
10830: A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
10831: A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
10832: and over again until we get it right."
10833: An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
10834: nose and breathe normally."
10835:
10836: ... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
10837: ... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
10838: ... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
10839: ... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
10840: %
10841: Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
10842: A: When his cock tastes like shit.
10843: %
10844: Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
10845: A: It isn't hard.
10846: %
10847: Q: How does a mink get babies?
10848: A: The same way babies get minks.
10849: %
10850: Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
10851:
10852: A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
10853: speech, but under the United States constitution they are
10854: guaranteed freedom after speech.
10855:
10856: -- being told in Poland, 1987
10857: %
10858: Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
10859: A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
10860: %
10861: Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
10862: A: Three, but they're really only one.
10863: %
10864: Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10865: A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
10866:
10867: Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
10868: A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
10869: %
10870: Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
10871: does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10872: A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
10873: advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
10874: can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
10875: credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
10876: %
10877: Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
10878: bulb, in San Fransisco?
10879: A: Both of them.
10880: %
10881: Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10882: A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
10883: without a man.
10884: %
10885: Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
10886: what would Cheetah have been?
10887: A: A fur coat.
10888: %
10889: Q: What can you use used tampons for?
10890: A: Tea bags for vampires.
10891: %
10892: Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
10893: A: Play dumb until the second coming.
10894: %
10895: Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
10896: A: Your bicycle.
10897: %
10898: Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
10899: A: They both like a tight seal.
10900: %
10901: Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons?
10902: A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases
10903: of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
10904:
10905: Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
10906: A: Sheep don't have strings.
10907: %
10908: Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
10909: A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
10910: %
10911: Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
10912: A: Trustworthy.
10913: %
10914: Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
10915: A: A transistor.
10916: %
10917: Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
10918: A: Toys for twats.
10919: %
10920: Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
10921: of garden hose?
10922: A: Darling.
10923: [Often? Ed.]
10924: %
10925: Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
10926: A: Parents.
10927: %
10928: Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
10929: A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
10930: %
10931: Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
10932: A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
10933: %
10934: Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
10935: A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
10936: %
10937: Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
10938: A: A computer that won't go down.
10939: %
10940: Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
10941: A: Your last blowjob.
10942: %
10943: Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
10944: A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
10945: %
10946: Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
10947: A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
10948: once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
10949: your eyes...
10950: %
10951: Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
10952: moth ball in the other hand?
10953: A: One hell of a big moth!
10954: %
10955: Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
10956: A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
10957: %
10958: Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
10959: A: Will the defendant please rise?
10960: %
10961: Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
10962: A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
10963: Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
10964: the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
10965: %
10966: Q: What goes
10967: Click. "Did I get it?"
10968: Click. "Did I get it?"
10969: Click. "Did I get it?"
10970: Click. "Did I get it?"
10971: A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
10972: %
10973: Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
10974: A: A frog in a blender.
10975:
10976: Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
10977: A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak.
10978: %
10979: Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
10980: A: Baby in a blender.
10981:
10982: Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
10983: A: So you can watch the expression on its little face.
10984: %
10985: Q: What is green and comes in Brownies?
10986: A: Boy Scouts.
10987: %
10988: Q: What is Smoorplay?
10989: A: What Smurfs do before they smuck!
10990: %
10991: Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
10992: A: Snowballs!
10993: %
10994: Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
10995: A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
10996: %
10997: Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
10998: A: Dating a Canadian.
10999: %
11000: Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
11001: revolving doors?
11002: A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
11003: %
11004: Q: What's black and white and red all over?
11005: A: Half a nun.
11006: %
11007: Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
11008: A: A corpse.
11009: %
11010: Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
11011: A: Chewing gum.
11012: %
11013: Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
11014: A: Bunny farts.
11015: %
11016: Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
11017: A: The guy that gave it to him.
11018: %
11019: Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
11020: A: The guy he got it from.
11021: %
11022: Q: What's red and covered with little dents?
11023: A: Snow White's cherry.
11024: %
11025: Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
11026: A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
11027:
11028: Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
11029: are removable!
11030:
11031: Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
11032: very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
11033: A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
11034:
11035: Q: What is a compact city?
11036: A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
11037: policemen!
11038: -- Peter Lax
11039: %
11040: Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
11041: pinscher humping your leg?
11042: A: You let the doberman finish.
11043: %
11044: Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
11045: A: About four drinks.
11046: %
11047: Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
11048: A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
11049: War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
11050:
11051: [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
11052: office a little late, tonight... Ed.]
11053: %
11054: Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
11055: A: About 10 pounds.
11056:
11057: Q: How do you make them the same?
11058: A: Force feed the elephant.
11059: %
11060: Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
11061: A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
11062: %
11063: Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
11064: A: The weekend never comes too soon.
11065: %
11066: Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
11067: A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
11068: %
11069: Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
11070: A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use
11071: the whole bird...
11072: %
11073: Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
11074: and Ronald Reagan?
11075: A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
11076: difference.
11077: %
11078: Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
11079: A: It stays dark all night.
11080: %
11081: Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
11082: A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
11083: like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
11084: "and some cigarettes."
11085: %
11086: Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
11087: he hits your windshield?
11088: A: His ass.
11089:
11090: Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
11091: mind when he hits your windshield?
11092: A. Oh, SHIT!!
11093: %
11094: Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
11095: A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
11096: %
11097: Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
11098: A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
11099: %
11100: Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
11101: A: To the batpoles, Robin!
11102: %
11103: Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
11104: A: Ugly sheep.
11105: %
11106: Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
11107: A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
11108: %
11109: Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
11110: A: They're just pussy substitutes!
11111: %
11112: Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
11113: A: Because she's dead.
11114: %
11115: Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
11116: A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
11117: %
11118: Q: Why did God invent booze?
11119: A: So ugly men could get laid too.
11120: %
11121: Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
11122: A: She'd never been taught to say no.
11123: %
11124: Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
11125: A: To impress Jodie Foster.
11126: %
11127: Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
11128: Jo Kopechne drowned?
11129: A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
11130: %
11131: Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts?
11132: A: Because they can.
11133: %
11134: Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
11135: A: To stamp out forest firest.
11136:
11137: Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
11138: A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
11139: %
11140: Q: Why do men die before their wives?
11141: A: They want to.
11142: %
11143: Q: Why do men marry women?
11144: A: You can't teach sheep to do housework.
11145: %
11146: Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
11147: A: Very few of them know how to dance!
11148: %
11149: Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
11150: A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
11151: -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
11152: %
11153: Q: Why do WASP's play golf ?
11154: A: So they can dress like pimps.
11155: %
11156: Q: Why do women have vaginas?
11157: A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
11158: %
11159: Q: Why do women love Pacman?
11160: A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
11161: %
11162: Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
11163: A: Because 8 inches isn't enough.
11164: %
11165: Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
11166: A: It scares the dogs!
11167:
11168: Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
11169: A: The leash goes slack.
11170: %
11171: Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
11172: A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
11173: %
11174: Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
11175:
11176: A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
11177: Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
11178: you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
11179:
11180: -- being told in Poland, 1987
11181: %
11182: Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
11183: A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
11184: gang-rejected her.
11185: %
11186: Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
11187: A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
11188: Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!"
11189: %
11190: Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
11191:
11192: A1: PMS is only a problem for some people.
11193: A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
11194: A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
11195: A4: People with PMS get sympathy.
11196: A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
11197: %
11198: Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
11199: A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
11200: %
11201: Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
11202: A: Age.
11203: %
11204: Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
11205: A: The taste.
11206: %
11207: Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
11208: A: About three inches.
11209: %
11210: Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
11211: A: He couldn't help it.
11212:
11213: Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
11214: A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
11215: %
11216: Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
11217: A: 'Cause they can!
11218:
11219: (Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
11220: %
11221: Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
11222: A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
11223:
11224: Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
11225: A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!!
11226: %
11227: QOTD:
11228: "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
11229: Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
11230: and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one
11231: who has that dream?"
11232: %
11233: QOTD:
11234: "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
11235: %
11236: QOTD:
11237: "Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
11238: -- Joan of Arc
11239: %
11240: QOTD:
11241: "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
11242: %
11243: QOTD:
11244: "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
11245: ticket."
11246: %
11247: QOTD:
11248: "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
11249: %
11250: QOTD:
11251: "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
11252: %
11253: QOTD:
11254: I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
11255: %
11256: QOTD:
11257: I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm
11258: grip. He's a lucky man.
11259: %
11260: QOTD:
11261: "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
11262: %
11263: QOTD:
11264: I own my own body, but I share.
11265: %
11266: QOTD:
11267: "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
11268: %
11269: QOTD:
11270: "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
11271: time it rained."
11272: %
11273: QOTD:
11274: "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
11275: %
11276: QOTD:
11277: I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
11278: a pair of velcro gloves.
11279: %
11280: QOTD:
11281: "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
11282: the guy who screwed her last."
11283: %
11284: QOTD:
11285: "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
11286: her shadow!"
11287: %
11288: QOTD:
11289: "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
11290: golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
11291: %
11292: QOTD:
11293: It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of
11294: cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
11295: -- Richard Sexton
11296: %
11297: QOTD:
11298: "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
11299: who gets tied up."
11300: %
11301: QOTD:
11302: "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
11303: %
11304: QOTD:
11305: Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
11306: going to put that thing *where*?"
11307: %
11308: QOTD:
11309: My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
11310: you stick those little prongs into it.
11311: -- Mark-Jason Dominus
11312: %
11313: QOTD:
11314: No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear.
11315: %
11316: QOTD:
11317: "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
11318: and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
11319: %
11320: QOTD:
11321: Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself.
11322: %
11323: QOTD:
11324: She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
11325: Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!!
11326: %
11327: QOTD:
11328: "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
11329: %
11330: QOTD:
11331: Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
11332: and the others are more than willing to watch them.
11333: %
11334: QOTD:
11335: "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
11336: all night."
11337: %
11338: QOTD:
11339: "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
11340: a few good men!"
11341: %
11342: QOTD:
11343: "The only real difference between men and women is that men are
11344: crabby all month long."
11345: %
11346: QOTD:
11347: "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes
11348: Poster Girl."
11349: %
11350: QOTD:
11351: "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat,
11352: happy women."
11353: %
11354: QOTD:
11355: "When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
11356: %
11357: QOTD:
11358: "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady
11359: over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
11360: glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
11361: %
11362: QOTD:
11363: "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
11364: Then get the fuck out."
11365: %
11366: QOTD:
11367: "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
11368: %
11369: quickie, n:
11370: A moment's piece.
11371: %
11372: quickie, n:
11373: No sooner spread than done.
11374: %
11375: QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight
11376: equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
11377: structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
11378: grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis
11379: in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
11380: symptoms of a qwert.
11381: -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
11382: %
11383: Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
11384: Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!!
11385: %
11386: randel, n:
11387: A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
11388: apology for farting at a friend.
11389: -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
11390: Preposterous Words
11391: %
11392: Raquel Welch: 36-24-36
11393: Bo Derek: 35-24-36
11394: Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36
11395: Bette Middler: 37-25-36
11396: Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37
11397: Jane Russell: 39-27-38
11398: Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37
11399: Sophia Loren: 37-25-36
11400: %
11401: Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
11402: of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
11403: %
11404: Reach out and fuck someone.
11405: %
11406: Readers Ask:
11407: Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
11408:
11409: Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
11410: usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
11411: a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
11412: possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
11413: of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
11414: driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
11415: it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
11416: puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be
11417: avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
11418: and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
11419: Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires
11420: more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
11421: through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
11422: sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
11423: holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
11424: do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
11425: urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
11426: (i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But
11427: you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
11428: %
11429: real buddy, n:
11430: Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
11431: and give you one.
11432: %
11433: real class, adj:
11434: When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
11435: %
11436: Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
11437: %
11438: Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
11439: Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
11440: Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
11441: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
11442:
11443: Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
11444: Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
11445: Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
11446: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
11447:
11448: Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
11449: Users of heroin, often called junkies
11450: Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
11451: Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
11452:
11453: On a bad trip
11454: When the cops come
11455: When I lose my head
11456: I simply take more of my favorite drugs
11457: And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
11458: -- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things"
11459: %
11460: Reformed, n:
11461: A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
11462: %
11463: rejection, n:
11464: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
11465: %
11466: Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
11467: %
11468: Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
11469: -- Frank Zappa
11470: %
11471: Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
11472: champagne is the best tenderizer.
11473: %
11474: Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
11475: sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
11476: changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
11477: out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking
11478: pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
11479: the other.
11480: -- Jules Feiffer
11481: %
11482: Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
11483: "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
11484: "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
11485: someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
11486: blow job in the world!' on the wall."
11487: "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought,
11488: we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
11489: "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
11490: phone number!"
11491: %
11492: Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
11493: Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
11494: %
11495: rodeo fuck, n:
11496: When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
11497: the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on
11498: for seven seconds...
11499: %
11500: Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
11501: %
11502: Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
11503: With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
11504: The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
11505: So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
11506: Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
11507: With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
11508: Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
11509: They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
11510: Roland the Thompson gunner...
11511: His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
11512: But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
11513: So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
11514: That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
11515: Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
11516: Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
11517: He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
11518: Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
11519: But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
11520: The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
11521: Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
11522: In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
11523: Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
11524: -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
11525: %
11526: ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
11527: MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
11528: as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
11529: %
11530: Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
11531: "And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
11532: "I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers,"
11533: replies Rosenberg.
11534: "Why the barbers?"
11535: "Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave."
11536: %
11537: Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
11538: %
11539: Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
11540: %
11541: rugby, n:
11542: A sport requiring leather balls.
11543: %
11544: Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
11545: two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool.
11546: %
11547: Runners do it alone.
11548: %
11549: Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
11550: "The men like to spread my two legs,
11551: Then slip in between,
11552: If you know what I mean,
11553: And leave me the white of their eggs."
11554: %
11555: Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
11556: "This has been a most wonderful day.
11557: Three cherry tarts,
11558: At least twenty farts,
11559: Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
11560: %
11561: Said a girl who upon her divan
11562: Was attacked by a virile young man:
11563: "Such excess of passion
11564: Is quite out of fashion"
11565: And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
11566: -- Edward Gorey
11567: %
11568: Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
11569: "What care I for this shortage of gum?
11570: My favorite chew
11571: Is a condom or two,
11572: With a goodly amount of fresh come."
11573: %
11574: Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
11575: "My favorite sport is coitus."
11576: But a fullback from State,
11577: Made her period late,
11578: And now she has athlete's fetus.
11579: %
11580: Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
11581: When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
11582: "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
11583: And tease it, and please it,
11584: For Rome wasn't built in a day."
11585: %
11586: Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
11587: Of all the girls that I've had,
11588: None gave me the thrill
11589: Of real rapture until
11590: I learned how to be a tribade."
11591: %
11592: Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
11593: To a sailor just off of a barge,
11594: "We have one girl that's dead,
11595: With a hole in her head--
11596: Of course there's a slight extra charge."
11597: %
11598: Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
11599: I'm simply too shy and afraid
11600: To take part in your pranks.
11601: But to show you my thanks,
11602: I'd just love to become your first aide.
11603: %
11604: Said a pornographistic young poet
11605: "Although I perhaps do not show it,
11606: My interest in sin
11607: Is wearing quite thin,
11608: And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
11609: %
11610: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
11611: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
11612: "Try as hard as I can,
11613: I can't find a man
11614: That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
11615: %
11616: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
11617: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
11618: "Try as hard as I can,
11619: I can't find a man
11620: That it's fun to be virtuous with."
11621: %
11622: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
11623: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
11624: "Try as hard as I can,
11625: I can't find a man
11626: That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
11627: %
11628: Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
11629: "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
11630: Uhura said, "No,
11631: At night that's not so--
11632: He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
11633: %
11634: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
11635: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
11636: Let v be virginity
11637: Approaching infinity;
11638: Let p be a constant persuasion;
11639:
11640: Let p over p be inverted
11641: With the square root of mu inserted
11642: N times into v ...
11643: The result, Q E D,
11644: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
11645: %
11646: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
11647: Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
11648: Let V be virginity
11649: Approaching infinity;
11650: Let P be a constant persuasion;
11651:
11652: "Let V over P be inverted
11653: With the square root of Mu inserted
11654: N times into V ...
11655: The result, Q.E.D.,
11656: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
11657: %
11658: Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
11659: Is leading me straight to perdition;
11660: But I haven't the strength
11661: To go to the length
11662: Of making an act of contrition."
11663: -- Edward Gorey
11664: %
11665: Said President Jobcock one day :
11666: "War's better than love, I should say.
11667: Instead of a virgin,
11668: It's murder I'm urgin'--
11669: You get lots more blood that-a-way."
11670: %
11671: Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
11672: "Only infidel dogs put it in.
11673: Back home in Arabia
11674: We nibble the labia
11675: Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
11676: %
11677: Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
11678: In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
11679: "This nautch is delicious,
11680: And without doubt nutritious.
11681: She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
11682: %
11683: Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
11684: "Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
11685: I replied with some wit,
11686: "Do you belch when you shit?"
11687: I think that was one up for me.
11688: %
11689: Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
11690: "This must be our final adieu,
11691: For the vicar is slicker,
11692: And thicker, and quicker,
11693: And two inches longer than you."
11694: %
11695: Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
11696: That he'd had all the heavenly host :
11697: The Father and Son,
11698: And then - just for fun -
11699: The hole in the Holy Ghost.
11700: %
11701: Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
11702: immensely profitable years in the construction business.
11703: "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
11704: constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
11705: am I known as Sam the Builder? No.
11706: And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
11707: dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
11708: Sam the Philanthropist? No sir!
11709: But suck one little cock..."
11710: %
11711: San Francisco:
11712: A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces
11713: there.
11714: %
11715: San Francisco is my kind of city,
11716: Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
11717: %
11718: Save a forest - eat a beaver!
11719: %
11720: Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
11721: %
11722: Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
11723: %
11724: Save the whales. Club a seal instead.
11725: %
11726: Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
11727: "I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
11728: To a muffer's delight,
11729: I'll take head on a flight,
11730: So the guy can have pie in the sky."
11731: %
11732: schnuffel, n.:
11733: A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
11734: company.
11735: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11736: %
11737: "Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
11738: her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
11739: %
11740: Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
11741: ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
11742: -- Edgar Berman
11743: %
11744: SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
11745: If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
11746: this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
11747:
11748: Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
11749: %
11750: Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
11751: the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
11752: "What are you here for?" he asks.
11753: "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
11754: and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
11755: but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
11756: "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?"
11757: "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
11758: to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
11759: "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
11760: Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
11761: "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
11762: "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
11763: "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
11764: "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so
11765: I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen
11766: wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't
11767: resist it!" admitted the dog.
11768: "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!"
11769: "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
11770: %
11771: Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
11772: were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with
11773: the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
11774: again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I
11775: know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign,
11776: so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
11777: It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
11778: plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once
11779: and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
11780: three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
11781: So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
11782: right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign."
11783: This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
11784: one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
11785: the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted
11786: the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
11787: be explained by natural causes.
11788: The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
11789: just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
11790: a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
11791: The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
11792: and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
11793: %
11794: Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously
11795: pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
11796: a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks
11797: her what that means.
11798: "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
11799: "Yeah..."
11800: "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
11801: "Yeah..."
11802: "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
11803: then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
11804: "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
11805: %
11806: Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
11807: asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
11808: imaginable. Not horny, just homesick.
11809: %
11810: Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
11811: he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments
11812: cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and
11813: more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
11814: believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
11815: Could we maybe talk?"
11816: The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up,
11817: the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man
11818: starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize,
11819: I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes
11820: there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?"
11821: Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
11822: in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
11823: much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
11824: she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again
11825: and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
11826: have to be the "back door".
11827: As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
11828: panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
11829: you on the bus yesterday.
11830: Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm
11831: actually the bus driver."
11832: %
11833: Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
11834: symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
11835: production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
11836: security while they're being screwed.
11837: %
11838: Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
11839: -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
11840: %
11841: SEMINARS:
11842: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
11843: %
11844: Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
11845: notify you if the record has pornographics material or
11846: material glorifying violence?"
11847: Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
11848: Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
11849: the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
11850: Johnny."
11851:
11852: -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
11853: lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
11854: %
11855: Send lawyers, guns, and money,
11856: The shit has hit the fan.
11857: -- Warren Zevon
11858: %
11859: Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
11860: -- Grover Cleveland, 1905
11861: %
11862: Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed
11863: in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen
11864: Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have
11865: any."
11866: %
11867: Sex and drugs and UNIX.
11868: %
11869: Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
11870: You can do each while thinking about the other.
11871: %
11872: Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
11873: -- Sophia Loren
11874: %
11875: Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
11876: %
11877: Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
11878: %
11879: Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
11880: %
11881: Sex is great,
11882: Sex is grand,
11883: Sex around here,
11884: Is mostly by hand.
11885: %
11886: Sex is just one damp thing after another.
11887: %
11888: Sex is like a bridge game --
11889: If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
11890: %
11891: Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
11892: %
11893: Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
11894: %
11895: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
11896: %
11897: Sex is the poor man's opera.
11898: -- G.B. Shaw
11899: %
11900: Sex is what women have and men want.
11901: %
11902: Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
11903: %
11904: SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
11905: details at 11!
11906: %
11907: Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
11908: temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at
11909: the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
11910: a joke about that:
11911:
11912: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
11913: service,
11914: "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
11915: The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
11916: "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
11917: The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
11918: "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
11919: The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
11920: "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
11921: %
11922: Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
11923: Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
11924: Let your pal be your guide.
11925: And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
11926: or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
11927: 'cause it digs up your hat,
11928: or has sex with your cat,
11929: sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
11930: and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
11931: Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
11932: We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
11933: %
11934: She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
11935: If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
11936: I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
11937: It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
11938: If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
11939: If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
11940: I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave
11941: It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
11942: My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
11943: Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
11944: I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
11945: -- proposed Country-Western song titles
11946: %
11947: She asked me if I loved her still.
11948: "Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way."
11949: %
11950: She begged and she pleaded for more.
11951: I said, "We've already had four,
11952: And I'm sure that you've heard,
11953: Though it's somewhat absurd,
11954: That eros spelt backwards is sore."
11955: %
11956: She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
11957: -- Dorothy Parker
11958: %
11959: She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
11960: candidates for president.
11961: -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
11962: on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
11963: %
11964: She made a thing of soft leather,
11965: And topped off the end with a feather.
11966: When she poked it inside her
11967: She took off like a glider,
11968: And gave up her lover forever.
11969: %
11970: She never liked zippers, she said,
11971: Until she opened one in bed.
11972: %
11973: She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
11974: And begged for a bang : goodness knows
11975: I am surely impure
11976: And I sizzled to scrure,
11977: But the push had gone out of my hose.
11978: %
11979: She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
11980: %
11981: She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
11982: When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
11983: Now she's lying in the grass,
11984: With the muffler up her ass,
11985: And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
11986: %
11987: She was only:
11988: a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
11989: a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
11990: a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
11991: a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
11992: a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
11993: a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
11994: a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
11995: %
11996: She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
11997: Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
11998: But she knew, just before
11999: She opened the door,
12000: This same Mr. had kr. sr.
12001: %
12002: She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
12003: Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and
12004: unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
12005: and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
12006: her on the top step.
12007: "How dare you?" she demanded.
12008: "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
12009: second time I thought we'd become good friends."
12010: %
12011: She wasn't what one could call pretty
12012: And other girls offered her pity,
12013: So nobody guessed
12014: That her Wasserman test
12015: Involved half the men in the city.
12016: %
12017: She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
12018: %
12019: She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay:
12020: 1957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put
12021: Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum
12022: Him: Wondering which word would
12023: best describe her breasts
12024: to the guys
12025:
12026: 1967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes
12027: Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
12028: will go all the way
12029:
12030: 1977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries
12031: Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg
12032: warmers and a leather
12033: face mask
12034:
12035: 1987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia
12036: Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass
12037: San Francisco that Grandma used for needle-
12038: point before she passed away
12039: -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
12040: %
12041: She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
12042: %
12043: Shit happens.
12044: %
12045: Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
12046: totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you
12047: know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
12048: says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know?
12049: He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
12050: with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home
12051: to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime!
12052: %
12053: Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
12054: %
12055: Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
12056: I'm agog with excitement today!
12057: And the reason of course,
12058: A reliable source,
12059: Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
12060: %
12061: Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
12062: together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
12063: to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
12064: isn't weightbearing. See Discipline.
12065: -- The Joy of Sex
12066: %
12067: Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
12068: "I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
12069: Plus the yen, but the men
12070: Only call now and then--
12071: Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
12072: %
12073: Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
12074: %
12075: Sixteen'll get you twenty.
12076: %
12077: Size counts.
12078: %
12079: small, adj:
12080: Is it in yet?
12081: %
12082: Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
12083: %
12084: Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted?
12085: %
12086: Snow White:
12087: "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
12088: but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
12089: %
12090: "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
12091: "Come on, take it out, and let's play."
12092: He pulled it on out,
12093: But she started to pout,
12094: His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
12095: %
12096: So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
12097: Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
12098: Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
12099: Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
12100: And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
12101: -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
12102: %
12103: So here was this fellow of Strensall
12104: Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
12105: Anemic, 'tis true,
12106: But an interesting screw,
12107: Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
12108: %
12109: So, how's your love life?
12110: Still holding your own?
12111: %
12112: So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
12113: which one would you pick?
12114: %
12115: So it's ai yi yi yi,
12116: Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
12117: So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
12118: And waltz me around by my willie!
12119:
12120: There once was a man from Nantucket!
12121: Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
12122: He said with a grin,
12123: As he wiped off his chin,
12124: If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
12125:
12126: So it's ai yi yi yi,
12127: Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
12128: So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
12129: And waltz me around by my willie!
12130:
12131: There once was a young man from Boston!
12132: Who drove around town in an Austin!
12133: There was room for his ass,
12134: And a gallon of gas,
12135: So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
12136: %
12137: So it's ai yi yi yi,
12138: Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
12139: So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
12140: And waltz me around by my willie!
12141:
12142: There once was a man from Racine!
12143: Who invented a screwing machine!
12144: Both concave and convex,
12145: It could please either sex,
12146: But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
12147:
12148: So it's ai yi yi yi,
12149: Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
12150: So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
12151: And waltz me around by my willie!
12152:
12153: One night a girl had an affair!
12154: With a fellow all covered with hair!
12155: His enormous red whang,
12156: Gave her a wonderful bang --
12157: She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
12158: %
12159: So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
12160: lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation
12161: has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week
12162: and we've got no money left for food."
12163: "Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
12164: "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
12165: You're going to have to go out and hustle."
12166: "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?"
12167: "It's the only way," he said.
12168: Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came
12169: staggering in early the next morning.
12170: "How did you do?" asked the husband.
12171: "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
12172: "Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?"
12173: "Everybody," she said.
12174: %
12175: So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our
12176: standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when
12177: I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just
12178: about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's
12179: breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate
12180: shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit
12181: than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
12182: Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
12183: -- Dave Barry
12184: %
12185: So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
12186: "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
12187: Polacks who --"
12188: "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
12189: The salesman thought for a moment.
12190: "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
12191: %
12192: So you fucked up... you trusted us!
12193: -- Animal House
12194: %
12195: So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
12196: and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
12197: %
12198: Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever.
12199: %
12200: Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
12201: Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
12202: -- Hair
12203: %
12204: Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
12205: %
12206: SOFTWARE:
12207: Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
12208: %
12209: Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
12210: and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
12211: %
12212: Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
12213: Drank up several bottles of sherry;
12214: In the Yard around three
12215: They were shrieking with glee:
12216: "Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
12217: -- Edward Gorey
12218: %
12219: Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
12220: unassisted.
12221: -- Wilson Mizner
12222: %
12223: Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
12224: fucked the buffalo.
12225: %
12226: Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
12227: %
12228: Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
12229: %
12230: Some women are like musical glasses.
12231: To keep them in tune they must be wet.
12232: -- Samuel Coleridge
12233: %
12234: Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
12235: -- Noel Coward
12236: %
12237: Something better...
12238:
12239: 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
12240: 14 (complememtary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
12241: perch on.
12242: 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
12243: 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
12244: 17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
12245: 18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
12246: leave.
12247: 19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
12248: 20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
12249: 21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
12250: 22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
12251: 23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
12252: coffee ... in Brazil.
12253: 24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth
12254: capped.
12255: 25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
12256: -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
12257: %
12258: Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have
12259: a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one."
12260: -- George Carlin
12261: %
12262: Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
12263: -- Risky Business
12264: %
12265: Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.
12266: -- Little Richard
12267: %
12268: SPINSTER:
12269: Unlusted number.
12270: %
12271: Starkle, starkle, little twink,
12272: Who the hell you are I think
12273: I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
12274: I'm just a little slort of sheep.
12275: Tee martoonis make a guy,
12276: Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
12277: So mass the pixer and kill my fup
12278: I've all day sober to sunday up.
12279: %
12280: Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
12281: %
12282: Statisticians probably do it.
12283: %
12284: Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
12285: %
12286: Stockmayer's Theorem:
12287: If it looks easy, it's tough.
12288: If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
12289: %
12290: STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
12291: Bust truster.
12292: %
12293: stress, n:
12294: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
12295: desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
12296: desperately needs it.
12297: %
12298: subpoena, n:
12299: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
12300: or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
12301: %
12302: Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
12303: %
12304: Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
12305: -- James P. Hogan
12306: %
12307: successful cunnilingus:
12308: When you wake up the next morning with a face like a
12309: frosted doughnut.
12310: %
12311: SUGAR DADDY:
12312: A man who can afford to raise cain.
12313: %
12314: Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
12315: Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
12316: %
12317: Sure banking is Biblical!
12318:
12319: How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
12320: Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
12321: little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
12322: Banks of the Jordan!
12323: %
12324: Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People
12325: know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
12326: %
12327: swallow, v:
12328: The (blew) bird of birth control.
12329: %
12330: Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
12331: %
12332: Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
12333: A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
12334: If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
12335: There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
12336: And you're fair game,
12337: You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
12338: Just relax, enjoy the ride.
12339: Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
12340: But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
12341: 'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
12342: The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
12343: (chorus)
12344: The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
12345: She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
12346: Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
12347: And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
12348: (chorus)
12349: -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
12350: %
12351: Taoism: Shit Happens.
12352: Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens".
12353: Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
12354: Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
12355: Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
12356: Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
12357: Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
12358: %
12359: TAXIDERMIST:
12360: A man who mounts animals.
12361: %
12362: Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque
12363: sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
12364: it's time to spend a night in town.
12365: %
12366: tear leather:
12367: To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
12368: his leather jerkin' off."
12369: %
12370: tearing off a quicky:
12371: Gunning the jump.
12372: %
12373: Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond!
12374: %
12375: Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
12376: %
12377: Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them
12378: in five minutes with a pistol.
12379: -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
12380: %
12381: Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've
12382: got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
12383: If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
12384: life."
12385: Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked
12386: to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
12387: "My God, what happened to you?"
12388: "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
12389: on his bloodied lips.
12390: "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But
12391: what happened? Did the customer start a fight?"
12392: "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was
12393: *pissed*."
12394: %
12395: Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
12396: Take two at the very most.
12397: Take three and you're under the table,
12398: Take four and you're under the host.
12399: %
12400: Test makers do it:
12401: A: sometimes
12402: B: always
12403: C: never
12404: D: none of the above.
12405: %
12406: TEXAN:
12407: A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
12408: %
12409: Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
12410: She obliges all who accost her.
12411: She welcomes the prick
12412: Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
12413: Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
12414: %
12415: That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
12416: %
12417: That Harvard don down at El Djim --
12418: Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
12419: With the whole harem randy,
12420: The sheik himself handy,
12421: To muss up a young camel's quim.
12422: %
12423: That naughty old Sappho of Greece
12424: Said: "What I prefer to a piece
12425: Is to have my pudenda
12426: Rubbed hard by the enda
12427: The little pink nose of my niece."
12428: %
12429: That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
12430: pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When
12431: he got back, he was a husky fucker.
12432: %
12433: The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
12434: of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
12435: began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
12436: nine. Candles out at ten."
12437: %
12438: The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
12439: Do an act in the nude on their knees.
12440: They crawl down the aisle
12441: While screwing dog-style,
12442: As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
12443: %
12444: The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
12445: home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening,
12446: when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
12447: law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly,
12448: the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my
12449: slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
12450: my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command.
12451: Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
12452: and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let
12453: me catch you wearing my things again."
12454: %
12455: The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
12456: Fell into the water baptismal;
12457: Ere they'd gathered its plight,
12458: It had sunk out of sight,
12459: For the depth of the font was abysmal.
12460: -- Edward Gorey
12461: %
12462: The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
12463: They have kept me awake for a week.
12464: Why do newlyweds
12465: Select squeaky beds
12466: To develop their fucking technique?
12467: %
12468: The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
12469: %
12470: The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
12471: Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.
12472: -- Dumas
12473: %
12474: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
12475: sex for money usually costs a lot less.
12476: -- Brendan Francis
12477: %
12478: The bishop of Alexandretta
12479: Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
12480: So he thought he'd enshrine her
12481: As the Holy Vagina
12482: In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
12483: %
12484: The blacksmith told me before he died,
12485: And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
12486: That no matter how he tried,
12487: His wife was never satisfied!
12488:
12489: And so he built a bloody great wheel,
12490: Harnessed to a cock of steel,
12491: Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
12492: And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
12493:
12494: Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
12495: In and out went the cock of steel,
12496: Till at last the maiden cried,
12497: "Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
12498:
12499: And now we come to the crucial bit --
12500: There was no way of stopping it.
12501: And she was split from hole to hole,
12502: And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
12503: %
12504: The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
12505: they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
12506: "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
12507: any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
12508: "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
12509: fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
12510: %
12511: The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
12512: -- Sidney J. Hurtubise
12513: %
12514: The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
12515: They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
12516: there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
12517: One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
12518: to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
12519: Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
12520: "You must mean _faux_pas_."
12521: "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
12522: Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
12523: phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
12524: for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
12525: roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite
12526: a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together
12527: and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
12528: table. Remember all that, Ed?"
12529: "Yeh."
12530: "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
12531: the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy
12532: bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
12533: over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
12534: 'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?"
12535: "Yeh."
12536: "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
12537: %
12538: The bustard's a remarkable fowl
12539: With surely no reason to growl
12540: He escapes what would be
12541: Illegitimacy
12542: By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
12543: %
12544: The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
12545: %
12546: The computer is the ultimate polluter:
12547: Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
12548: %
12549: The country girl who became a city madam
12550: has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
12551: %
12552: The cruelest of creatures' the crab
12553: With claws that can pinch you or stab,
12554: And then when you dine
12555: On crab and white wine
12556: It gets you as well with the tab.
12557: %
12558: The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
12559: the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
12560: %
12561: The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
12562: is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
12563: %
12564: The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
12565: %
12566: The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men
12567: went down on the Titanic.
12568: %
12569: The difference between like and love is the
12570: same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
12571: %
12572: The difference between this school and a cactus plant
12573: is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
12574: %
12575: The difference between women and girls
12576: is as much as twenty years in some states.
12577: %
12578: The Dowager Duchess of Spout
12579: Collapsed at the height of a rout;
12580: She found strength to say
12581: As they bore her away:
12582: "I should never have taken the trout."
12583: -- Edward Gorey
12584: %
12585: The early worm gets the bird.
12586: %
12587: The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
12588: text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
12589: %
12590: The Enterprise crew when off work
12591: Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
12592: Uhura the Zulu
12593: Is shcked up with Sulu,
12594: And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
12595: %
12596: The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
12597: Have chased Spock for several years.
12598: His look of disdain
12599: Has spared them great pain,
12600: For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
12601: %
12602: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
12603: out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
12604: -- New Libertarian Notes, #19
12605: %
12606: The fearless old bishop of Brest
12607: Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
12608: He fucked whores in the apse
12609: With chancres and claps,
12610: But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
12611: %
12612: The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
12613: Came to light with its face in its belly;
12614: Her second was born
12615: With a hump and a horn,
12616: And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
12617: -- Edward Gorey
12618: %
12619: The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
12620: the bedroom.
12621: -- Richard Lewis
12622: %
12623: The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
12624: black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the
12625: fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered
12626: a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
12627: and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
12628: garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
12629: "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
12630: "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
12631: top panted.
12632: "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
12633: the captain yelled.
12634: "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied.
12635: %
12636: The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
12637: -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
12638: -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
12639: -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
12640: -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
12641: -- You have drinks with William Holden.
12642: -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
12643: %
12644: The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
12645: %
12646: The genital area of Ann
12647: Will accommodate any size man,
12648: From the wee that cause titters
12649: To the mighty twat-splitters
12650: That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
12651: %
12652: The girls that go to see a man's etchings
12653: may not know art, but they know what they like.
12654: %
12655: The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured
12656: their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
12657: He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
12658: particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
12659: doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
12660: "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
12661: marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to
12662: woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?"
12663: The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said,
12664: "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
12665: phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that
12666: hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the
12667: woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
12668: in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
12669: The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
12670: he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
12671: %
12672: The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
12673: %
12674: The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
12675: -- Truman Capote
12676: %
12677: The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
12678: These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
12679: results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be
12680: kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first
12681: put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well
12682: pleases.
12683: -- Sir Josiah Stamp
12684: %
12685: The greatest lies of all time:
12686: (1) I love you.
12687: (2) This won't hurt a bit.
12688: (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
12689: (4) The check is in the mail.
12690: (5) I was just going to call you.
12691: (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
12692: (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
12693: (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
12694: (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
12695: (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
12696: %
12697: The Grecians were famed for fine art,
12698: And buildings and stonework so smart.
12699: They distinguished with poise
12700: The men from the boys,
12701: And used crowbars to keep them apart.
12702: %
12703: The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
12704:
12705: -- The morning after note reads:
12706: Whiting, Barbara:
12707: I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute
12708: I wanted to byte your ear.
12709: -- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
12710: -- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
12711: -- The last straw:
12712: Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
12713: program and shows up an hour late.
12714:
12715: You Don't...:
12716: Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
12717: You Do...:
12718: Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
12719: indicate a malfunction.
12720: %
12721: The harder they come, the more important it is to have
12722: an extra-firm mattress.
12723: %
12724: The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
12725: outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
12726: the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions
12727: occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
12728: mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
12729: -- John Hughes, National Lampoon
12730: %
12731: The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
12732: %
12733: The hope that springs eternal
12734: Springs right up your behind.
12735: -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
12736: %
12737: The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
12738: particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
12739: "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
12740: was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
12741: His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
12742: time?"
12743: %
12744: The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
12745: and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
12746: lovemaking.
12747: "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
12748: was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
12749: even if it's right inside the front door."
12750: At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
12751: husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?"
12752: the consultant asked.
12753: "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
12754: sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
12755: absolutely wild!"
12756: %
12757: The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
12758: day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment,
12759: however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his
12760: bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
12761: had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
12762: "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
12763: the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed.
12764: An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
12765: "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
12766: in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"
12767: %
12768: The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
12769: Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to
12770: pull it out at the last minute.
12771: -- Not the Nine O'Clock News
12772: %
12773: The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
12774: two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
12775: other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
12776: account of the wedding night's progress.
12777: "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
12778: entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
12779: honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
12780: And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
12781: %
12782: The King named Oedipus Rex
12783: Who started this fuss about sex
12784: Put the world to great pains
12785: By the spots and the stains
12786: Which he made on his mother's pubex.
12787: %
12788: The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
12789: To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
12790: And cried, "Oh, my dear,
12791: I am coming, I fear,
12792: But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
12793: %
12794: The kings of Peru were the Incas,
12795: Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
12796: They worshipped the sun
12797: And had lots of fun,
12798: But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
12799: %
12800: The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
12801: is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
12802: town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100
12803: gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
12804: majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
12805: soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
12806: has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
12807: anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws
12808: has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time
12809: resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
12810: want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
12811: said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
12812: wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
12813: Fact is, I rather like it."
12814: %
12815: The lights are on,
12816: but you're not home;
12817: Your will
12818: is not your own;
12819: Your heart sweats,
12820: Your teeth grind;
12821: Another kiss
12822: and you'll be mine...
12823:
12824: You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
12825: (Oh Yeah!)
12826: It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
12827: You know you're gonna have to face it,
12828: You're addicted to love!"
12829: -- Robert Palmer
12830: %
12831: The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
12832: they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
12833: That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
12834: making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
12835: a baby brother."
12836: "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
12837: puppy."
12838: %
12839: The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
12840: containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor
12841: were delivered in a welter of tears.
12842: "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't
12843: see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
12844: (blubber,blubber)!"
12845: "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
12846: "and would you care to have them mounted?"
12847: "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends."
12848: %
12849: The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
12850: Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
12851: A demon for semen,
12852: This buffersome he-man
12853: Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
12854: %
12855: The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she
12856: whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
12857: were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
12858: exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
12859: a certain awful recognition.
12860: -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
12861: %
12862: The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She
12863: is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
12864: -- Norton
12865: %
12866: The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
12867: the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
12868: -- Rabbi Meir Kahane
12869: %
12870: The mind is its own place, and in itself
12871: Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
12872: What matter where, if I be still the same,
12873: And what I should be, all but less than he
12874: Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
12875: We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
12876: Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
12877: Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
12878: To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
12879: Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
12880: -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
12881: %
12882: The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
12883: %
12884: The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
12885: %
12886: The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
12887: %
12888: The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
12889: jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
12890: %
12891: The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
12892: "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
12893: -- Larry Brown
12894: %
12895: The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
12896: that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
12897: %
12898: The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
12899: virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
12900: you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
12901: stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the
12902: man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
12903: your eyes - or just by staring into space.
12904: -- Marilyn Monroe
12905: %
12906: The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
12907: adopted children.
12908: -- Paul Ehrlich
12909: %
12910: The moving finger having writ... gestures.
12911: %
12912: The moyel who treated young Alec
12913: Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
12914: Presented the child
12915: His aim was so wild
12916: He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
12917: %
12918: The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
12919: their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
12920: "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
12921: the dinner table."
12922: Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
12923: and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
12924: hint of a smile.
12925: "Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
12926: "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you
12927: be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
12928: %
12929: The new cinematic emporium
12930: Is not just a super-sensorium,
12931: But a highly effectual
12932: Heterosexual
12933: Mutual masturbatorium.
12934: %
12935: The new local cinematorium
12936: Is not only a super sensorium,
12937: But a highly effectual
12938: Heterosexual
12939: Mutual masturbatorium.
12940: %
12941: The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
12942: hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor
12943: replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
12944: pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
12945: returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.
12946:
12947: 1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
12948: 2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
12949: 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
12950: 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
12951: 5. The recommended grace before meals is not,
12952: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
12953: 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
12954: Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
12955: 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
12956: 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
12957: to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
12958: 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
12959: 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
12960: Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
12961: Contest at St. Taffy's.
12962: %
12963: The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb
12964: to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately
12965: upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
12966: barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I
12967: want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the
12968: roost with my blessings."
12969: The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only
12970: a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again
12971: took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
12972: me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
12973: ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
12974: henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
12975: The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
12976: Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
12977: weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
12978: overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
12979: maintained a formidable lead.
12980: Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
12981: dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
12982: "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
12983: from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
12984: %
12985: The nipples of Sarah Sarong
12986: When excited are twelve inches long
12987: This embarassed her lover
12988: Who was pained to discover
12989: She expected no less of his dong
12990: %
12991: The notorious Duchess of Peels
12992: Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
12993: Said she, "Would you mind? --
12994: Shove one up my behind.
12995: I am anxious to know how it feels."
12996: %
12997: The office brown-noser named Bunky
12998: Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
12999: But when the chips were all down,
13000: His proboscis was brown,
13001: And there hung many strands which were gunky.
13002: %
13003: The old archeologist, Throstle,
13004: Discovered a marvelous fossil.
13005: He knew from its bend
13006: And the knot on the end,
13007: T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
13008: %
13009: The once was a man from Bombay
13010: Who modeled his cunts out of clay
13011: So hot was his prick
13012: That he turned them to brick
13013: And rubbed all his foreskin away.
13014: %
13015: The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
13016: that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
13017: %
13018: The only difference between your girlfriend
13019: and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
13020: %
13021: The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
13022: -- Stendhal
13023: %
13024: The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
13025: that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
13026: %
13027: The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
13028: -- Mike O'Dell
13029: %
13030: The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common
13031: lamp-post.
13032: -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
13033: %
13034: The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
13035: bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
13036: -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor
13037: %
13038: The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
13039: her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
13040: -- Oscar Wilde
13041: %
13042: The only way you'll ever hear from
13043: me is if you're living in the same hell.
13044: -- Roy Harper
13045: %
13046: The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
13047: catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down,
13048: guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
13049: The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
13050: her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
13051: hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at
13052: once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
13053: to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
13054: of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
13055: %
13056: The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
13057: %
13058: The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
13059: "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
13060: "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
13061: "What IS your name?"
13062: %
13063: The partition of Vavasour Scowles
13064: Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
13065: In a firkin; his brain
13066: Was found clogging a drain,
13067: And his toes were inside of some towels.
13068: -- Edward Gorey
13069: %
13070: The penis mightier than the sword.
13071: %
13072: the perfect worman:
13073: Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
13074: your drink.
13075:
13076: [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.]
13077: %
13078: The pleasure is momentary,
13079: The position ridiculous,
13080: The expense damnable.
13081: -- Chesterfield, on sex
13082: %
13083: The pleasure is transitory, the cost
13084: prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
13085: -- Disraeli, on sex
13086: %
13087: The plural of spouse is spice.
13088: -- R.A. Heinlein
13089: %
13090: The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
13091: who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private
13092: secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
13093: been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
13094: "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
13095: twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his
13096: private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
13097: and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the
13098: third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me
13099: into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
13100: and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
13101: I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
13102: for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
13103: dollars. That's when he jumped out the window."
13104: %
13105: The poor little doe
13106: Crawled out of the woods,
13107: Tired, bedraggled and blue.
13108: "Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
13109: I should have asked for two!"
13110: %
13111: The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops
13112: for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
13113: of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
13114: "Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
13115: "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"
13116: %
13117: The prick of the engineer, Scott,
13118: Fell off from Saturnian rot.
13119: He went to the basement
13120: And made a replacement
13121: Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
13122: %
13123: The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
13124: one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
13125: He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he
13126: noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
13127: as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
13128: "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
13129: singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
13130: Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
13131: wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
13132: The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
13133: that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
13134: When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
13135: Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
13136: you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
13137: What is a blow job?"
13138: Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
13139: %
13140: The problem with being best man at a wedding
13141: is that you never get a chance to prove it.
13142: %
13143: The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
13144: Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
13145: how is Brown going to get to Washington?
13146: %
13147: The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.
13148: -- Thomas Carlyle
13149: %
13150: The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
13151: length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
13152: %
13153: The randy old Bey of Algiers
13154: Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
13155: Tried a cunt for a change,
13156: And remarked : "It felt strange ...
13157: Just think what I've missed all these years!"
13158: %
13159: The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
13160: to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
13161: %
13162: The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
13163: %
13164: The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
13165: they can't masturbate.
13166: %
13167: The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
13168: rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
13169: %
13170: The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
13171: %
13172: The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
13173: Called a girl a most elegant creature.
13174: So she laid on her back
13175: And, exposing her crack,
13176: Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
13177: %
13178: The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
13179: Called a hen a most elegant creature.
13180: The hen, pleased with that,
13181: Laid an egg in his hat --
13182: And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
13183: -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
13184: %
13185: The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
13186: %
13187: The rich man uses vaseline,
13188: The poor man uses lard;
13189: The worker uses axle grease
13190: But gets it twice as hard.
13191: %
13192: The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was
13193: certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
13194: "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
13195: "There certainly is," she agreed.
13196: "Some really bright stars in the sky."
13197: She nodded.
13198: "Some dew on the grass."
13199: "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
13200: %
13201: The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
13202: community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
13203: %
13204: The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
13205: dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said...
13206: "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
13207: %
13208: The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
13209: -- Diana Rigg
13210: %
13211: The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
13212: He fucks her.
13213: She bites his head off.
13214: -- From a Women's Lib Poster
13215: %
13216: The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar
13217: on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
13218: survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
13219: woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
13220: her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
13221: toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really.
13222: -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
13223: %
13224: The Shah of the Empire of Persia
13225: Lay for days in a sexual merger.
13226: When the nautch asked the Shah,
13227: "Won't you ever withdraw?"
13228: He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
13229: %
13230: The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
13231: doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing
13232: the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
13233: psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
13234: felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
13235: and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he
13236: inquired.
13237: The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
13238: supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
13239: was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
13240: dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
13241: just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
13242: %
13243: The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
13244: At breakfast with horrid dismay,
13245: So he launched off the spoons
13246: The pits from his prunes
13247: At their heads as they neared the buffet.
13248: -- Edward Gorey
13249: %
13250: The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
13251: Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
13252: That when posed on her toes
13253: She elaborately shows
13254: Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
13255: %
13256: The spouse of a pretty young thing
13257: Came home from the wars in the spring.
13258: He was lame but he came
13259: With his dame like a flame --
13260: A discharge is a wondeful thing.
13261: %
13262: The star of that X-rated hit
13263: Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
13264: This serves as a palace
13265: For each turgid phallus--
13266: Some say that the plot is pure shit.
13267: %
13268: The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
13269: %
13270: The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
13271: like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
13272: -- Lord Halifax
13273: %
13274: The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
13275: And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
13276: He caught a big mouse
13277: Which he loosed in the house.
13278: (Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
13279: %
13280: The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly,
13281: And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway,
13282: To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting
13283: And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day.
13284:
13285: My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully
13286: With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread,
13287: I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window
13288: Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head.
13289: -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
13290: %
13291: "The testes are cooler outside,"
13292: Said the doc to the curious bride,
13293: "For the semen must no
13294: Get too fucking hot,
13295: And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
13296: %
13297: "The testes are cooler outside,"
13298: Said the doc to the curious bride,
13299: "For the semen must not
13300: Get too fucking hot,
13301: And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
13302: %
13303: The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
13304: %
13305: The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
13306: %
13307: The three sexual positions during preganancy.
13308:
13309: During the first four months: Missionary style
13310: During the second four months: Doggie style
13311: And during the last month: Coyote style
13312:
13313: Coyote style?
13314: You sit by the hole and howl.
13315: %
13316: The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
13317: %
13318: The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
13319: threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with
13320: farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved
13321: back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers
13322: jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
13323: blaze under control.
13324: The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
13325: gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
13326: driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
13327: "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
13328: "is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
13329: %
13330: The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
13331: %
13332: The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They
13333: were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
13334: off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
13335: Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
13336: he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
13337: flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
13338: He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late,
13339: called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
13340: %
13341: The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
13342: great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
13343: This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
13344: The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
13345: ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
13346: "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
13347: The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
13348: "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
13349: %
13350: The two things that you should never lend out are your car
13351: or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
13352: %
13353: The Unitarians are really just a bunch of athiests who really
13354: like going to church.
13355: %
13356: The Utah version of this joke goes:
13357: One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
13358: office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
13359: that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
13360: The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
13361: in the lobby!!"
13362: The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The
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